Focus on the Family

Q: With three young children in the house, I'm trying to create order by setting rules. But every time I turn around, it seems like I need to set a new rule. How many should I have?

Jim: There's much to be said for setting guidelines and boundaries; that helps everyone in the family. But it's also easy to overdo it.

I heard about one mom who finally decided to write her rules down. It took her days to remember them all, and she ended up with six full pages. She had close to a hundred rules, and several even had subpoints. She thought creating guidelines for almost every area of life would make it easier for her children to behave. Instead, she was making it harder.

Having too many rules sets children up for failure. When there are so many plates to keep spinning, they'll constantly feel defeated. Sooner or later, frustration will set in, and your children's behavior will get worse, not better.

Here's a tip for measuring if you have too many rules: If you can't keep track of all of the household standards, your children don't stand a chance of remembering them, either.

How many rules should you have? There's not a magic number, but it's best to limit yourself to only what your children can remember and handle at their age. Less is more for parents, too. It helps you focus on what truly matters to your child's well-being.

To some extent, many rules can simply be situational interpretations of the "Golden Rule," which can be paraphrased as: Treat other people the way you want to be treated yourself. Making that your overall household standard allows for adaptation to each individual scenario as it arises.

However many rules you end up with, just remember that too many can be counterproductive. But a reasonable number can guide your child toward personal growth and greater maturity.

Q: I've been married for eight years. My wife and I are trying to get back into the habit of regular "just us" dates. But we enjoy spending time with friends, too. How do we balance it all?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Married couples need to spend a lot of one-on-one time together. But you also need to surround yourselves with other couples who can positively influence your relationship and help strengthen it.

Your marriage is not an island. You need to interact with other couples -- to invest in their lives and for them to invest in yours. This is especially important because so many people live far away from members of their extended family and can't benefit from their influence. If you don't have family support, the influence of good friends is invaluable.

That's why it's so helpful to double date with other couples. There's no hard-and-fast rule for how often, but making one out of every four dates a double date is a pretty reasonable goal. If you date your spouse once a week (which I think is the optimum), that's one double date a month. But if you and your spouse only go out once a month, you'll still squeeze in three double dates a year. That may not sound like much, but don't underestimate the impact it can make.

Relationships with other couples can help keep your marriage healthy, but they'll be especially invaluable if your marriage hits a rough spot. During troubled times, couples tend to isolate. Friendships will give your marriage a strong shoulder to lean on and help you get through the painful times you're facing.

As individuals and as couples, we need the support and influence of others. For more ideas to help your marriage thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: My wife and I have been married for a few years, and our relationship is already starting to seem a little stale. Is that normal? It bothers both of us, but we’re not sure what to do about it.

Jim: I understand. When Jean and I first started dating, I lived in San Diego, and she lived in Orange County. Without giving it a second thought, I’d often drive 90 miles to bring her dinner while she was at work. During our courting days, I was willing to inconvenience myself to show my interest. But fast forward to the early years of our marriage, and something had changed: I couldn’t be bothered to run an errand for her down the street, and I was easily distracted by work.

We all do that, don’t we? Once we’re married, we stop pursuing our spouse like we did when we were dating. It’s human nature. But it’s also a reason why many couples fall “out of love” -- they stop listening to each other and serving one another.

It’s as if we think saying “I love you” one time should last forever. The truth is that love has a shelf life. It has to be renewed every single day -- not once a month or once a year. We can’t bank on that big vacation we took last year or that romantic gesture we made last month. We need to actively show our love to each other every day.

So if your marriage isn’t what it used to be, fall back in love by treating your spouse with the same kind of dedication as you did when you were first dating. Give them your attention, listen to them, and make them a priority in your life once again. Restore the passion you once had when your relationship was new, and your feelings of love will grow.

To help your marriage thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I’m ashamed to admit that I lose my temper with my young kids occasionally. It’s usually not that extreme, and we all seem to get over it fairly quickly. But I’m wondering: is this a problem?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: I’m sure you love your children. And if you’re like most parents, those outbursts may not be directly related to your kids themselves. We all tend to let stress and anger build up, and then something minor -- like a spilled glass of milk -- sets us off.

Sometimes we may feel like our children think the world revolves around them. Believe it or not, they actually do think that. But it’s not because of a lack of discipline; it’s a product of their development. A young child’s brain is not capable of understanding experiences outside of its own perspective. And that’s exactly why anger toward kids can be so damaging.

When a parent screams, children are not able to rationally process the situation and think, “My parent may be angry, but this isn’t my fault.” Instead, children will immediately feel they’re to blame. And if the home environment consistently reinforces that message, the child’s sense of worth will deteriorate.

A child who grows up in a loving environment will know they’re valuable and loved, even though they make mistakes. Children living under a cloud of anger and harshness, on the other hand, eventually see themselves as a mistake -- that they’re unlovable and without value.

Almost every parent loses their temper at some point, of course. Fortunately, children rebound from occasional outbursts. But frequent anger is damaging.

If you’re struggling with anger, I encourage you to get help. You can start by speaking with one of our counselors by calling us at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: Do kids really change your life -- and your marriage -- as much as people claim they do? My spouse and I have been thinking about starting a family, but we're nervous about "taking the plunge."

Jim: The short answer is yes. Children will change your life. In the beginning it will be mostly interrupted schedules and loss of sleep. Later on, you'll encounter potty training, discipline and the first day of school. Before you know it, you'll be saving for college and giving up a new car for braces.

The more important question, though, is the one you didn't ask: Are the changes worth it? Here again I have to say yes! Kids will cause big changes. But they also add a new dimension of joy and fulfillment you can't find anywhere else. So, if you're assuming that parenthood is so unpleasant that you should abandon those plans, I'd encourage you to think again. Children are more than just a responsibility and a blessing. They're also an opportunity to learn, grow and experience adventures you haven't yet dreamed about.

There are some things you can do to cushion yourselves from the shock. Start by being prepared to adjust your assumptions. You need to be open to letting go of your desire to be in control. There are many unforeseen challenges of parenthood, and you'll have to give up some of your usual activities in order to provide the structure your children need.

You'll also need to be ready and willing to make sacrifices. The truth is you'll lose some of your freedoms if you choose to be parents. If you and your spouse can't picture making sacrifices, this may not be the right time to have kids. That can lead to resenting your child because of the things you gave up for their sake. If you're thinking of taking the parental plunge, move forward with your eyes wide open -- remembering that most parents find the joys well worth the sacrifices.

While you're adjusting, remember to give your marriage the attention it needs and deserves. When kids come along, you'll have to work harder at keeping your relationship strong and healthy. When you are intentional about connecting, you'll grow as a couple. You'll still need outlets such as dating and spending time with friends, but they'll look different than in the past. If finances are tight, try window-shopping, hiking or coffee at the kitchen table. The important thing is that you're together -- and that you don't spend the whole time talking about the baby.

Be prepared to lose sleep. During your child's infancy, you may have to get up several times a night. During this stage, both of you are likely to be sleep-deprived, so be ready to see each other at your worst. When the two of you are required to fill the roles of full-time parents and spouses, your flaws will probably surface more often. So keep your eyes open, and decide now to make your spouse's needs more important than your own.

Take heart: If you're courageous enough to tackle the challenge of raising kids, things will get easier eventually. The demands of parenting change throughout a child's lifespan. As they get older, sleeping through the night may become more common, but there will still be new challenges. Parenting will never be stress-free, but there's a deep satisfaction that comes from watching your children grow and change, and developing an adult friendship with them.

Obviously, we can't touch on every aspect of this question in a brief response of this nature. If you'd like some extra guidance from our counselors, I invite you to call them at 1-855-771-HELP (4357), or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.