Focus on the Family

Q: Every year at this time, I think about the 9/11 attacks. None of my three kids were born yet then, so they've never known a world without that history. My son has been reading about 9/11 and various natural disasters. Yesterday he asked me how people respond to these tragedies. What's your take?

Jim: One of the biggest challenges any of us face might be to live every moment focused on what truly matters. For example, whenever a natural disaster occurs, I'm struck by interviews with those who survive. Almost without exception, these individuals stand in the rubble of their lives and wisely share the same perspective about what's really important. They may have lost everything from a material standpoint, but they express deep gratitude that their loved ones are safe.

That reaction makes sense -- after all, tragedy has a unique way of bringing clarity into our lives. But I'm concerned that it sometimes takes a crisis for us to see clearly. We get distracted, and family priorities soon begin to erode. For example, studies have shown that on average, fathers spend less than 60 seconds in daily conversation with each of their children!

Our society bombards us with a skewed idea of what's valuable, and we buy into that hype far too easily. Parents work longer and harder in a never-ending quest for newer cars, bigger houses and the latest tech. Eventually, the stuff of life overshadows what really matters, while connection with our family dwindles away.

When disaster rocks the very foundation of our lives, we need something even deeper to comfort us. There are only two things in life that we can count on for that -- the love and support of family and friends, and, most importantly, the bedrock of faith. Nothing besides love and an eternal perspective can reach into our suffering in those moments and bring us true comfort.

Q: My girlfriend and I are both divorced. We want to be together long-term but dread the thought of going through divorce again if things go sour. It seems safer to just live together. What do you think?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I'm always saddened to hear people claim that the way to avoid the pain of divorce is to skip marriage entirely. The argument goes: "We don't need a wedding ring or a piece of paper to prove we're in love." I'm sorry to be blunt, but that's backward thinking.

Since living together outside of marriage is nothing new, there's plenty of research available to help determine if skipping the wedding really helps couples stay together. As a Christian, I think there are solid moral arguments against cohabitating. But even for those who don't believe that, the overwhelming weight of research evidence shows that the odds are against couples who don't make a formal commitment to one another. Studies also indicate that cohabitating undermines the chances of future marital success.

Feelings of love aren't what make a marriage endure -- it's commitment. Every relationship will encounter struggles; there will likely even be times when the two of you don't like each other very much. But one study showed that married couples are 10 times more likely to stay together through difficult stretches than those who cohabit.

On average, married couples are also happier. That's because a thriving commitment helps both husband and wife feel safe with each other, which enables them to build deeper love and intimacy. As the song says: "Put a ring on it."

So, if you really want to avoid the pain of divorce, the answer isn't to skip marriage altogether. It's to commit to marriage wholeheartedly. For tips and tools to do that, see ReadyToWed.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My elderly father is struggling on his own, so we're arranging to have him come and live with us. We're even open to remodeling our house if necessary. Can you offer any suggestions to make our home as safe and comfortable as possible for him?

Jim: I'll share what Focus on the Family's advisory Physicians Resource Council has recommended for such situations. Considering the effects of decreased mobility, diminished eyesight or oncoming deafness, even the most comfortable house can become hazardous for an elderly person. This is especially true if the lighting is inadequate, there are many stairs (or staircases that are hard to climb) or the faucets and doorknobs are difficult to use. So even simple changes and minor remodeling can make a big difference in the comfort, convenience and safety of your home from your dad's perspective. Here are some ideas to consider:

Replace steps with ramps. Install ramps over doorsills -- or remove the sills altogether -- for walker or wheelchair accessibility.

Install handrails on both sides of stairs or hallways.

Elevate toilet seats using inserts specially designed for this purpose. Install sturdy grab bars in the bathroom next to the toilet, shower stall and bathtub.

Remove area rugs and runners that slide and create tripping hazards.

Ensure that all electrical cords are out of the flow of traffic. Also, don't run these cords under furniture or carpeting -- that's a fire hazard.

Install nightlights in bedrooms, hallways and bathrooms. Keep charged flashlights beside your dad's bed, near his favorite chair and in other convenient places. Consider buying lamps that turn on and off with a simple touch.

Replace heavy dishes and glasses with lightweight, nonbreakable dishware.

Examine stairways to make sure they're well lighted and equipped with nonslip strips.

Eliminate low furniture that might present a tripping hazard, such as coffee tables.

If you live in a multistory house, you might want to think about rearranging the living environment to allow your father to live on the ground floor. This works best if there's a full bathroom on this level, but there are special chair-lift systems for stairways that can help your dad move from one floor to the other. Some insurance policies cover the cost for these devices. Meanwhile, I'd strongly encourage a physical therapy evaluation to assess your father's mobility and determine the potential need for assistive devices such as canes or walkers. If he does require such tools, keep an extra walker and/or cane on each floor of the house so he can easily access them.

In addition to making physical changes to your home, the whole family can promote safety -- for example, just quickly cleaning up spills on the floor. Make a point of providing physical assistance when he needs to rise from a reclining to a sitting or standing position. Bottom line: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure when it comes to protecting your father from dangerous falls and injuries.

Finally, take advantage of the resources available from several helpful sources:

National Association of Area Agencies on Aging (www.n4a.org): Encourages members to help older persons and persons with disabilities live with dignity and choices in their homes and communities for as long as possible.

Caregiver Action Network (caregiveraction.org): This organization educates, supports, empowers and speaks up for the more than 65 million Americans who care for loved ones with a chronic illness or disability or the frailties of old age.

Aging Life Care Association (www.aginglifecare.org): An organization of practitioners whose goal is the advancement of expert assistance to the elderly and their families.

I hope these thoughts are helpful. I wish you and your father all the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I have been talking about the importance of helping each of our four children feel more connected and secure. I guess that really means strengthening our family as a whole. So -- what's your single best "pro tip"?

Jim: You've probably heard the old schoolyard rhyme: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage." If you think about it, this simple bit of poetry actually contains a blueprint for happy, successful family living.

I'd submit that marriage is the ideal foundation of the family -- it's how our Creator designed things to be. That's why a husband and wife's priority should be the health of their relationship. In fact, family psychologist John Rosemond says that couples should spend 80% of their time strengthening their marriage, over and above the demands of their schedules or the needs of their children. If 80% sounds extreme to you, remember this: your kids are only as safe and nurtured as your marriage. They'll be most content when their parents' relationship is solid.

I can personally attest to the opposite from my own childhood in a broken home before becoming an orphan. Believe me, just knowing that Mom and Dad are solidly together makes a world of difference.

Beyond that, each parent should make the effort to regularly "date" each child, one on one. It doesn't have to be extravagant -- maybe just an ice cream cone and engaged dialogue. But make sure to listen to them. When your kids know that you value them as unique individuals, they'll feel more secure in their place in the household.

So, it's marriage first, then kids -- in that order. That's the way it's designed, and that's the way it works best. For more tips and resources to build a thriving family, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My husband and I are having some real problems in our marriage. We desperately want to fix things, but we're completely overwhelmed trying to figure out how.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: A marriage crisis can overwhelm everything else in life. You and your spouse probably have a long list of complaints about one another -- that's typical. But I'm hopeful because you both obviously want to try to resolve them. I'd humbly suggest that you don't worry just yet about the "how"; start with the "why."

The "how" details are important, of course, because we do need practical solutions to our problems. But the mechanics of fixing a relationship won't usually breathe life back into your marriage. You have to give special attention to the "why." Think about why you fell in love in the first place -- and most importantly, talk about it. What were the dreams you once held for your relationship together? What do you hope your marriage could look like if it were healthy and whole?

Answering the "why" questions are what revive connection between a husband and wife. They also motivate couples to invest the tough work necessary to heal a struggling relationship. As the saying goes, "Where there's a will, there's a way."

Once you have that foundation reestablished, then work on the "how." We have plenty of tips and resources available at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage. Our staff counselors are available to help by calling 800-232-6459. And for couples on the brink of divorce, we offer Hope Restored Marriage Intensives, which have a fantastic success rate in healing fractured relationships (see HopeRestored.com).

I'm confident that reclaiming the why can make a huge difference in your marriage. I wish you the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.