Focus on the Family

Q: I'll admit that I often butt heads with my teenage son. He claims that I don't "respect" him as I should, but I honestly don't think I've ever done anything to demean him as a person. What does it mean for a parent to "respect" a child?

Jim: My wife and I raised two sons, so I understand; they're great guys, but we all had our moments! Teens often make the mistake of equating respect with permission -- as in: "If you respect me, you'll let me." But respect and permission are two very different things. You're the parent, so as long as he lives under your roof, your child needs to respect your authority and abide by your rules.

I would define respect as the act of giving a person the particular attention or special regard he deserves. It's showing that you consider him worthy of esteem -- even when he's not reflecting it back to you. That's hard, I know. Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Listen completely before drawing conclusions or making decisions. Take whatever time this requires. And remember: "Listening" doesn't mean "agreeing."

Trust is earned. Give your son as much freedom as he has shown he can handle. No more, no less. This can be a tough balancing act.

Be consistent in your words, decisions and choices. It's hard to respect anyone who is inconsistent or hypocritical.

Establish rules that are fair, reasonable and truthful. Resist the temptation to make rules for your own convenience or to satisfy a need for control.

When he's right and you're wrong, admit it. Honesty is the foundation of mutual respect.

Never belittle or intentionally embarrass him -- publicly or privately. No name-calling, even if you're angry. Careless words hurt.

Distinguish between character and behavior. Pointing out wrong actions is one thing, but avoid attacking your child's character in the process.

Doing these things consistently will show your respect even though you won't always give in to his requests. And you'll be modeling how he should extend respect to you (and others) even when you don't see eye to eye.

Q: I'm a single woman and I'm tired of wasting time dating guys who aren't interested in commitment. How can I change the pattern?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: This is a common challenge for singles. Most of the time, the issue is a lack of clear boundaries between friendship and romance. It leaves you hanging on too long to a relationship that's going nowhere.

"Going on a date" is about friendship -- enjoying someone's company with the understanding there's nothing exclusive (or even necessarily romantic) between you. It's an evening out to dinner, a cup of coffee or a movie because you're friends.

"Exclusive dating" is quite different. It's committing to one person and proactively moving your relationship toward the possibility of marriage. There's intentionality about determining whether this is the person you want to be married to. If they aren't, you have to be willing to make that decision and move on.

The trouble comes when someone treats friendship as an exclusive relationship or vice versa. Sooner or later, one person gets romantically hooked and spends months or years hanging on to the relationship, hoping the other person will want to marry.

So my advice: Keep the boundaries between friendship and exclusive dating crystal clear. You need that kind of focus to keep you from getting stuck in a relationship that's going nowhere.

By the way, Focus on the Family has a great outreach geared for young adults called "Boundless" that addresses single life from a faith-based perspective; see Boundless.org.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We recently moved, and we're afraid our son is being bullied at his new school. Do you have any advice?

Jim: Unfortunately, bullying isn't limited just to the schoolyard anymore. "Thanks" to technology (especially "social" media), it can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime. The only remedy is to expose it for what it is.

First, if you sense there's a problem, don't wait for your son to talk about it. Ask: "Is someone picking on you at school?" Bullies often threaten to harm a child if he tells. Strong lines of communication will assure your son that he's not alone. And watch for nonverbal signs of bullying (wanting to stay home, consistently "losing" snack/lunch money, etc.).

Second, take it seriously. It could take every ounce of courage your child has to admit he's being harassed. Younger kids might not have the vocabulary to fully explain what's happening to them. So don't minimize or dismiss the severity of their situation.

Third, encourage your child to stick close to friends whenever possible. The presence of even one buddy might deter a bully. Peer support doesn't replace adult intervention, but it can provide an emotional safety net and help restore lost hope.

Finally, discreetly take action. Your child may fear that things will just get worse if you make a fuss. But talk to teachers, school administrators, parents and family friends -- anyone you can to ensure your son has the resources needed to feel safe. You might even consider pulling him from school for a few days until the problem is handled.

I'd also strongly recommend visiting with a counselor so your child can work through any lingering feelings of fear. Our staff counselors would be happy to help you get started and offer referrals to a local therapist. Call 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com for more information.

Q: My wife and I are always arguing. You name it: chores, money, sex, kids, work -- everything. Neither of us want to argue, and we're not sure how we got here -- but we can't seem to help ourselves. What's going on?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Maybe you've heard the phrase: "The issue isn't the issue." What that means in this context is that regardless of what you and your spouse are arguing about, the conflict is likely rooted in one of five underlying issues:

Power and control. This struggle typically reveals itself in arguments over plans, preferences or (often) finances. Conflict is inevitable when both spouses are vying for control in some area or when one is trying to prevent the other from taking control.

Lack of respect. This happens when there's a disregard for key differences in personality, individuality or gender -- or when the feelings, rights or decisions of one spouse are ignored. Attempts to manipulate fall into this category.

Distance. When spouses are unavailable physically or emotionally, disharmony is likely. Sometimes one spouse will put up emotional walls for perceived self-protection. That can create feelings of rejection and abandonment for their mate.

Distrust. Conflict thrives here. If a relationship doesn't feel safe, suspicion and distrust can flare up and spouses may no longer feel comfortable expressing their feelings or needs.

Unmet Needs. An unmet need may revolve around attention, communication, time, money, empathy or love. It can occur intentionally or inadvertently. When needs are minimized or overlooked in a marriage, resentment and hurt often lead to conflict.

So the question is: What underlying issues are at the heart of your conflicts? If you can begin to identify and discuss these things together, you'll stand a much better chance of resolving them when they arise in your marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Every year at this time, I think about the 9/11 attacks. None of my three kids were born yet then, so they've never known a world without that history. My son has been reading about 9/11 and various natural disasters. Yesterday he asked me how people respond to these tragedies. What's your take?

Jim: One of the biggest challenges any of us face might be to live every moment focused on what truly matters. For example, whenever a natural disaster occurs, I'm struck by interviews with those who survive. Almost without exception, these individuals stand in the rubble of their lives and wisely share the same perspective about what's really important. They may have lost everything from a material standpoint, but they express deep gratitude that their loved ones are safe.

That reaction makes sense -- after all, tragedy has a unique way of bringing clarity into our lives. But I'm concerned that it sometimes takes a crisis for us to see clearly. We get distracted, and family priorities soon begin to erode. For example, studies have shown that on average, fathers spend less than 60 seconds in daily conversation with each of their children!

Our society bombards us with a skewed idea of what's valuable, and we buy into that hype far too easily. Parents work longer and harder in a never-ending quest for newer cars, bigger houses and the latest tech. Eventually, the stuff of life overshadows what really matters, while connection with our family dwindles away.

When disaster rocks the very foundation of our lives, we need something even deeper to comfort us. There are only two things in life that we can count on for that -- the love and support of family and friends, and, most importantly, the bedrock of faith. Nothing besides love and an eternal perspective can reach into our suffering in those moments and bring us true comfort.

Q: My girlfriend and I are both divorced. We want to be together long-term but dread the thought of going through divorce again if things go sour. It seems safer to just live together. What do you think?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I'm always saddened to hear people claim that the way to avoid the pain of divorce is to skip marriage entirely. The argument goes: "We don't need a wedding ring or a piece of paper to prove we're in love." I'm sorry to be blunt, but that's backward thinking.

Since living together outside of marriage is nothing new, there's plenty of research available to help determine if skipping the wedding really helps couples stay together. As a Christian, I think there are solid moral arguments against cohabitating. But even for those who don't believe that, the overwhelming weight of research evidence shows that the odds are against couples who don't make a formal commitment to one another. Studies also indicate that cohabitating undermines the chances of future marital success.

Feelings of love aren't what make a marriage endure -- it's commitment. Every relationship will encounter struggles; there will likely even be times when the two of you don't like each other very much. But one study showed that married couples are 10 times more likely to stay together through difficult stretches than those who cohabit.

On average, married couples are also happier. That's because a thriving commitment helps both husband and wife feel safe with each other, which enables them to build deeper love and intimacy. As the song says: "Put a ring on it."

So, if you really want to avoid the pain of divorce, the answer isn't to skip marriage altogether. It's to commit to marriage wholeheartedly. For tips and tools to do that, see ReadyToWed.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.