Focus on the Family

Q: I've known since I was a small child that I was adopted. Now, as an adult, I'm generally happy with my life. But I can't get away from nagging thoughts and doubts about my birth mother. I don't know anything about her. Why did she give me up? Didn't she care enough about me to raise me herself? For that matter, why would ANY mom put her child up for adoption? I guess I could use some advice on how to process these feelings.

Jim: You're not alone -- almost every adopted child goes through the same experience of struggling with these kinds of questions. There might have been any number of reasons why your birth mother chose adoption.

It's important to remember that under certain circumstances it can be very difficult -- even virtually impossible -- for a woman to bring up a child. Perhaps your birth father had left your mother alone or maybe was no longer alive. It could be that due to her age and/or life situation, your birth mom may not have been in a position to provide for you. These questions might remain mysteries if there's little or no way to find out anything about her background or circumstances.

But even without knowing the facts, there is one thing that I -- and you -- can be absolutely confident in saying. Your birth mother must have loved you very much -- enough to give you life and make sure you could be raised in a loving home where you would be well cared for. She made a courageous decision. Maybe someday you'll find the answers to your questions. But for now, hang on to that.

If you'd like to discuss your feelings at greater length, our staff counselors would be happy to help. I invite you to call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can I help my kids learn to think more critically about the values in the entertainment they consume?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: As parents, we work hard to help our families avoid entertainment with obvious content problems: harsh profanity; explicit sexual imagery; graphic violence or substance abuse. But how do we help our children think critically and strengthen their ability to identify ideas or values that don't line up with our family's convictions?

For starters, as our kids move into the teen years, our parental roles gradually shift. We move from being hard-and-fast gatekeepers to granting them a growing amount of independence. Simultaneously, we cultivate an ongoing conversation about their choices. Some basic questions will help get that conversation started: "What do you like about --? What ideas do you identify with? What emotions does this entertainment stir up in you?"

Next, let's talk about worldview. A worldview is a way of looking at the world and making sense of it. We all have one -- as does every piece of entertainment. A worldview answers basic questions about the world around us: "What is right? What is good? What deserves praise? What deserves criticism?"

We can ask basic worldview questions about ANY kind of entertainment. And as our kids mature, we can add more sophisticated questions that prompt them to think more deeply about their entertainment choices. "How is that similar to what our family believes? How is it different? What do you think would happen if someone imitated that behavior? Do you think the consequences would be different? Do you think these characters are making decisions based on emotion or on rational thinking?"

As we embrace this dialogue-oriented approach to entertainment and culture, we model critical thinking. It teaches our kids that we need to engage in the culture thoughtfully and intentionally -- not just as uncritical, passive consumers.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'll admit that I often butt heads with my teenage son. He claims that I don't "respect" him as I should, but I honestly don't think I've ever done anything to demean him as a person. What does it mean for a parent to "respect" a child?

Jim: My wife and I raised two sons, so I understand; they're great guys, but we all had our moments! Teens often make the mistake of equating respect with permission -- as in: "If you respect me, you'll let me." But respect and permission are two very different things. You're the parent, so as long as he lives under your roof, your child needs to respect your authority and abide by your rules.

I would define respect as the act of giving a person the particular attention or special regard he deserves. It's showing that you consider him worthy of esteem -- even when he's not reflecting it back to you. That's hard, I know. Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Listen completely before drawing conclusions or making decisions. Take whatever time this requires. And remember: "Listening" doesn't mean "agreeing."

Trust is earned. Give your son as much freedom as he has shown he can handle. No more, no less. This can be a tough balancing act.

Be consistent in your words, decisions and choices. It's hard to respect anyone who is inconsistent or hypocritical.

Establish rules that are fair, reasonable and truthful. Resist the temptation to make rules for your own convenience or to satisfy a need for control.

When he's right and you're wrong, admit it. Honesty is the foundation of mutual respect.

Never belittle or intentionally embarrass him -- publicly or privately. No name-calling, even if you're angry. Careless words hurt.

Distinguish between character and behavior. Pointing out wrong actions is one thing, but avoid attacking your child's character in the process.

Doing these things consistently will show your respect even though you won't always give in to his requests. And you'll be modeling how he should extend respect to you (and others) even when you don't see eye to eye.

Q: I'm a single woman and I'm tired of wasting time dating guys who aren't interested in commitment. How can I change the pattern?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: This is a common challenge for singles. Most of the time, the issue is a lack of clear boundaries between friendship and romance. It leaves you hanging on too long to a relationship that's going nowhere.

"Going on a date" is about friendship -- enjoying someone's company with the understanding there's nothing exclusive (or even necessarily romantic) between you. It's an evening out to dinner, a cup of coffee or a movie because you're friends.

"Exclusive dating" is quite different. It's committing to one person and proactively moving your relationship toward the possibility of marriage. There's intentionality about determining whether this is the person you want to be married to. If they aren't, you have to be willing to make that decision and move on.

The trouble comes when someone treats friendship as an exclusive relationship or vice versa. Sooner or later, one person gets romantically hooked and spends months or years hanging on to the relationship, hoping the other person will want to marry.

So my advice: Keep the boundaries between friendship and exclusive dating crystal clear. You need that kind of focus to keep you from getting stuck in a relationship that's going nowhere.

By the way, Focus on the Family has a great outreach geared for young adults called "Boundless" that addresses single life from a faith-based perspective; see Boundless.org.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We recently moved, and we're afraid our son is being bullied at his new school. Do you have any advice?

Jim: Unfortunately, bullying isn't limited just to the schoolyard anymore. "Thanks" to technology (especially "social" media), it can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime. The only remedy is to expose it for what it is.

First, if you sense there's a problem, don't wait for your son to talk about it. Ask: "Is someone picking on you at school?" Bullies often threaten to harm a child if he tells. Strong lines of communication will assure your son that he's not alone. And watch for nonverbal signs of bullying (wanting to stay home, consistently "losing" snack/lunch money, etc.).

Second, take it seriously. It could take every ounce of courage your child has to admit he's being harassed. Younger kids might not have the vocabulary to fully explain what's happening to them. So don't minimize or dismiss the severity of their situation.

Third, encourage your child to stick close to friends whenever possible. The presence of even one buddy might deter a bully. Peer support doesn't replace adult intervention, but it can provide an emotional safety net and help restore lost hope.

Finally, discreetly take action. Your child may fear that things will just get worse if you make a fuss. But talk to teachers, school administrators, parents and family friends -- anyone you can to ensure your son has the resources needed to feel safe. You might even consider pulling him from school for a few days until the problem is handled.

I'd also strongly recommend visiting with a counselor so your child can work through any lingering feelings of fear. Our staff counselors would be happy to help you get started and offer referrals to a local therapist. Call 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com for more information.

Q: My wife and I are always arguing. You name it: chores, money, sex, kids, work -- everything. Neither of us want to argue, and we're not sure how we got here -- but we can't seem to help ourselves. What's going on?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Maybe you've heard the phrase: "The issue isn't the issue." What that means in this context is that regardless of what you and your spouse are arguing about, the conflict is likely rooted in one of five underlying issues:

Power and control. This struggle typically reveals itself in arguments over plans, preferences or (often) finances. Conflict is inevitable when both spouses are vying for control in some area or when one is trying to prevent the other from taking control.

Lack of respect. This happens when there's a disregard for key differences in personality, individuality or gender -- or when the feelings, rights or decisions of one spouse are ignored. Attempts to manipulate fall into this category.

Distance. When spouses are unavailable physically or emotionally, disharmony is likely. Sometimes one spouse will put up emotional walls for perceived self-protection. That can create feelings of rejection and abandonment for their mate.

Distrust. Conflict thrives here. If a relationship doesn't feel safe, suspicion and distrust can flare up and spouses may no longer feel comfortable expressing their feelings or needs.

Unmet Needs. An unmet need may revolve around attention, communication, time, money, empathy or love. It can occur intentionally or inadvertently. When needs are minimized or overlooked in a marriage, resentment and hurt often lead to conflict.

So the question is: What underlying issues are at the heart of your conflicts? If you can begin to identify and discuss these things together, you'll stand a much better chance of resolving them when they arise in your marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.