Focus on the Family

Q: We've taught our children that physical violence is never acceptable. Unfortunately, our son has been getting picked on, and even physically threatened, at school this year. Should children be taught to defend themselves when attacked or should they just "turn the other cheek"?

Jim: I agree wholeheartedly that fighting should be discouraged. But as you've stated, children -- actually, people of all ages -- can be unbelievably cruel to one another. Bullying is a serious problem that requires a serious response.

Maybe we should first look at the idea of "turning the other cheek." As I see it, this teaching has a very narrow application. It's mainly concerned with the issue of personal revenge or retaliation, not self-defense. Its message is intended to encourage us to (1) let go of the desire to "get back" at those who have wronged us and (2) be willing to suffer personal injustices in the interest of a higher purpose. But loving one's neighbor sometimes requires a willingness to actively defend others who are being abused and mistreated. That may require appropriately controlled force. Complete non-resistance, then, is not what is being called for in response to physical violence.

So, I don't believe your son should be expected to be anyone's personal punching bag. Instead, he should be equipped with a plan of action and trained to respond, not simply react. It's good that you're teaching your children to cooperate with others as much as possible. But in cases where their physical safety is at risk, they should be prepared to walk away if possible, but defend themselves appropriately if necessary.

Our staff counselors would be pleased to discuss practical strategies for confronting and dealing with this problem. Don't hesitate to call 855-771-HELP (4357) for a free consultation.

Q: I've come to recognize that I have damaged my marriage by being overly critical of my husband for years. How can I/we turn this situation around and move forward in our relationship?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: An anger cycle often gets set in motion when a perceived need isn't met. In this case, your husband probably feels disrespected and strongly reacts to your hurtful comments; your likely response is to become even more critical, and around it goes. Once established, this cyclical bitterness builds on itself and just gets worse.

But here's the good news: It only takes one person to slow the cycle. And real intimacy CAN be reestablished if both parties are willing to take responsibility for their own feelings and behavior. As the offender, you're in the best position to make the first move toward resolution.

You can initiate a positive dialogue by citing specifics. For example, you can say, "I realize I hurt you when I said --." Once you've taken that step, be as honest as you can about the negative emotions that are continuing to keep you and your husband apart. You might tell him, "When we hardly speak for days, I feel lonely and unloved." It's OK if his first response isn't everything you might hope; that's simply an indication of where he's at emotionally. You can move forward by asking him what he heard you say. Then clarify what you meant and invite him to express his own feelings in greater depth.

Counseling is a vitally important resource in your efforts to get to the heart of the problem. A professional therapist will be able to help you identify destructive relational patterns and avoid them in the future. Our counseling department (number above) can give you a list of referrals to therapists in your area. Or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals. I wish you all the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I recently heard a news report about human trafficking and sexual slavery right here in my own city. I was horrified. But I don't know what I, just a normal person, can do to help. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: Unfortunately, most of us go about our daily business blissfully ignorant of the suffering and tragedy that could be taking place under our very noses. But here's the point -- "just normal people" can do a LOT to help.

Start by being observant. If you see someone you suspect might be a victim of trafficking, watch for evidence that he or she is being controlled. Signs include inability to relocate or leave a job, fear or depression, lack of proper identification or marks of physical abuse. If you have an opportunity to speak with such an individual in a non-threatening situation, ask questions like, "Do you want to be doing this work?" or "Are you being paid?" or "Can you leave if you choose?" and "Where do you live and what are your working conditions like?" Should you come across evidence of trafficking in your neighborhood, contact the National Human Trafficking Hotline (888-373-7888, HumanTraffickingHotline.org).

Closer to home, the best way to fight trafficking is to build strong relationships with your children. Home needs to be the place where kids receive affirmation and build a positive self-image. Build a bond of mutual trust to protect them against negative outside influences. Acknowledge that there are dangerous people in society, but then make it very clear to your kids that they can always come to you with their needs and concerns. Children who have that kind of support at home generally don't look for it somewhere else (which is how many trafficking victims become ensnared).

Our staff counselors would be happy to discuss this issue at greater length; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I've been hearing about the permissive parenting style lately. How do I know if I'm a permissive parent, and do you have any thoughts about it?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: You may have heard or read that permissive parenting styles can be helpful for your child's development. However, most research indicates that permissive parenting results in a higher likelihood of difficulty as your child ages.

Generally, permissive parenting involves high levels of sensitivity to a child's concerns, combined with very few boundaries. Throughout more than two decades as a family therapist, I've observed four types of permissive parents:

Fearful: Parents afraid of upsetting their children with boundaries or rules.

Insecure: Parents who do not want to lose their child's love, so they sacrifice accountability and healthy discipline.

Distracted: Parents who are constantly busy, where they cannot provide healthy guidance, limits and consistency.

Misinformed: Parents who have read or heard that letting your kids "just figure it out" is the best way to go.

It's true that happiness can come from healthy relationships and developing good decision-making. But how can kids learn what is healthy without boundaries or learning the difference between right and wrong?

My personal and professional experience and research consistently illustrate that while permissive parenting might be sometimes useful in moderation, it is best applied following an authoritative parenting style.

In other words, if you consistently apply an authoritative parenting style early in a child's life, there is a higher likelihood of being able to successfully shift to a more permissive parenting style later in your child's development -- after trust and healthy decision-making have been established.

To learn more about parenting styles, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com. You can also explore the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, based off the research on authoritative parenting styles and secure attachment.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've known since I was a small child that I was adopted. Now, as an adult, I'm generally happy with my life. But I can't get away from nagging thoughts and doubts about my birth mother. I don't know anything about her. Why did she give me up? Didn't she care enough about me to raise me herself? For that matter, why would ANY mom put her child up for adoption? I guess I could use some advice on how to process these feelings.

Jim: You're not alone -- almost every adopted child goes through the same experience of struggling with these kinds of questions. There might have been any number of reasons why your birth mother chose adoption.

It's important to remember that under certain circumstances it can be very difficult -- even virtually impossible -- for a woman to bring up a child. Perhaps your birth father had left your mother alone or maybe was no longer alive. It could be that due to her age and/or life situation, your birth mom may not have been in a position to provide for you. These questions might remain mysteries if there's little or no way to find out anything about her background or circumstances.

But even without knowing the facts, there is one thing that I -- and you -- can be absolutely confident in saying. Your birth mother must have loved you very much -- enough to give you life and make sure you could be raised in a loving home where you would be well cared for. She made a courageous decision. Maybe someday you'll find the answers to your questions. But for now, hang on to that.

If you'd like to discuss your feelings at greater length, our staff counselors would be happy to help. I invite you to call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can I help my kids learn to think more critically about the values in the entertainment they consume?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: As parents, we work hard to help our families avoid entertainment with obvious content problems: harsh profanity; explicit sexual imagery; graphic violence or substance abuse. But how do we help our children think critically and strengthen their ability to identify ideas or values that don't line up with our family's convictions?

For starters, as our kids move into the teen years, our parental roles gradually shift. We move from being hard-and-fast gatekeepers to granting them a growing amount of independence. Simultaneously, we cultivate an ongoing conversation about their choices. Some basic questions will help get that conversation started: "What do you like about --? What ideas do you identify with? What emotions does this entertainment stir up in you?"

Next, let's talk about worldview. A worldview is a way of looking at the world and making sense of it. We all have one -- as does every piece of entertainment. A worldview answers basic questions about the world around us: "What is right? What is good? What deserves praise? What deserves criticism?"

We can ask basic worldview questions about ANY kind of entertainment. And as our kids mature, we can add more sophisticated questions that prompt them to think more deeply about their entertainment choices. "How is that similar to what our family believes? How is it different? What do you think would happen if someone imitated that behavior? Do you think the consequences would be different? Do you think these characters are making decisions based on emotion or on rational thinking?"

As we embrace this dialogue-oriented approach to entertainment and culture, we model critical thinking. It teaches our kids that we need to engage in the culture thoughtfully and intentionally -- not just as uncritical, passive consumers.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.