Focus on the Family

Q: Can you help me with an awkward situation involving an extended family member? Recently this person harshly disagreed with something I posted on social media, and I confess I didn't respond well. The (unfortunately) public dispute has escalated into critical private messages and even some caustic texts. What do I do now?

Jim: Digital connections among extended family can be great in the right circumstances. When a relationship is healthy, they're an excellent way to stay in touch.

But we've all seen (or experienced) situations when things go off the rails. Author and counselor Dr. John Townsend warns that if you're engaged in conflict with someone, addressing problems through electronic means is the WORST thing you can do. That's because confrontational comments almost always seem worse when you read them. No matter how carefully we word our thoughts, it's far too easy for the reader to feel judged or attacked. In fact, Dr. Townsend recommends that people never use digital channels to confront anyone because the potential for misunderstanding is so great.

Instead, talk face-to-face if at all possible -- or by phone if necessary. Admittedly, addressing disagreements in person can be very uncomfortable. But it's still the best way to ensure that the subtleties of communication carry through and help make reconciliation possible, rather than derail it.

Prioritize affirming the relationship even if you need to "agree to disagree" about some things. I love some great advice about interacting with others that dates back 2000 years: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

The first step in reaching a resolution will likely be to humbly admit any fault you yourself might have had in escalating the situation. If our staff counselors can be of assistance, feel free to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I'm really looking forward to getting married in a couple of months. But my fiance and I both grew up in broken homes and we're scared about whether we can make things last long-term. Do you have any advice?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: A widely respected marriage therapist, Dr. John Gottman, estimates he can predict with 90% accuracy whether or not a newly married couple will go the distance. He doesn't have a crystal ball -- rather, he has conducted extensive research on how couples communicate.

I agree with Dr. Gottman that divorces don't occur over individual conflicts like in-laws or money. The issue is how couples handle those disagreements. Gottman identifies four key behaviors that increase the chances that a couple will divorce: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and acting with contempt toward one another.

Perhaps you read that list and think: "Houston, we have a problem." The good news is that even if you're struggling, your marriage isn't automatically doomed to fail. Real success is a lifelong process -- and it is absolutely possible when you're both committed to doing the work to improve your relationship.

Any couple, no matter their life stage, can learn how to communicate better to solve difficult problems. You may have to practice working together as a team or honing new relationship skills. But those are factors within your control. And that means that almost any couple is just a few communication skills away from creating a healthy and successful marriage.

We have a broad range of resources available to help at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage, including an entire section for marriage prep. In your case, I'd humbly suggest a book I wrote with my wife, Erin, titled "Ready to Wed." You might also check out a book I wrote with Dr. Bob Paul titled "9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage (And the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free)."

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I've heard that your organization highlights the need for foster families, especially those willing to adopt. We're curious to learn more.

Jim: This issue hits home for me because I spent time in the foster system as a child. And my wife, Jean, and I have fostered several children. With planning -- and lots of prayer -- fostering can be a beautiful thing.

There are nearly 400,000 kids in foster care in the United States, and over 25% of them (more than 100,000) are eligible for adoption. The need for adoptive families is huge. But it's obviously a big step to take with a number of important things to consider.

Dr. Debi Grebenik is a licensed social worker and the executive director of a foster care and adoption agency. She emphasizes that the adoption journey is similar to a marriage -- it begins with a commitment for life. Adopting calls for love and understanding, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. That's because there WILL be unforeseen detours, mountaintop experiences, and valleys along the way. Adoptive parents who begin the process faithfully and fearlessly are more likely to see it through.

Furthermore, adoptive parents must be prepared to love their child unconditionally. Most kids have deep emotional wounds after spending years in foster care. Many of them can display defiance, aggression, manipulation, depression and other challenging behaviors.

BUT -- an adoptive parent's unconditional love might well be the only lifeline these children have as they emerge from an unstable environment. And they can truly thrive as they learn what it means to be part of a permanent, solid family for the first time in their lives. For those families willing to step forward, the blessings and rewards far outweigh the challenges.

To learn more about adoption, go to WaitNoMore.org or FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I struggle with anxiety. How do I keep it from affecting my parenting and interactions with my family?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Anxiety is not easy to manage. It tends to spill into your day. I love this question because you're recognizing the negative impact anxiety inside you can have on others around you.

Stress -- which is a given as a parent -- can produce an even more anxious response to a life that already feels somewhat out of control. Anxiety can create a rigid and inflexible mindset that usually predicts the worst to avoid loss, pain or embarrassment.

Here are a few tips for developing a more flexible mindset:

-- Seek perspective from people who are less anxious than you. You want to help your mind consider other potential storylines.

-- Consider how growth and resilience could be built through failure, pain, imperfection and a freedom to explore and trust.

-- Explore your childrens' perspective. Avoid immediately saying "no" or becoming impatient while you're stressed. Ask the questions "What's it like to be with me?" and "What is my child's experience?"

-- Let go of some things. Perhaps you're trying to control almost everything -- that can feel absolutely overwhelming! Figure out what you need to control and what you need to loosen up to maintain your sanity. It's helpful to do this with a professional counselor or trusted friend.

Parenting is messy. Anxiety plus parenting can be even messier. But trying to be the perfect parent isn't the solution. Building a home founded on grace and gratitude can help transform the culture in your family. Remember, your kids aren't looking for you to be perfect. They want you to be present, interested in them, and effectively guiding them with grace and understanding.

For more information about how to help your family handle mental health issues, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: This summer I want to prioritize spending more time together as a family. But with two working adults and three teens in the house, everybody seems to be on their own schedule. Do you have a suggestion for even just one thing we can do to stay close?

Jim: A counter-question comes immediately to mind: How often does your family have dinner together? I know it's challenging -- it always was in our house when my sons still lived at home -- but it's one of the best time investments you can make.

The statistics speak for themselves. The largest federally funded study of American teenagers found a strong link between regular family meals and positive behaviors like academic success, psychological health, and reduced rates of substance abuse and suicide. The University of Michigan found that mealtime is the single greatest predictor of better achievement -- more than studying, sports or other school activities. A Columbia University study found that teens who eat with their families at least five times a week are more likely to get better grades and less likely to get into substance abuse. And research conducted in Minnesota found that adolescent girls who ate with their families at least five times a week had greatly reduced risk for anorexia and bulimia.

I could quote studies all day, but I think we all know that it's just common sense. There's great benefit in sharing mealtimes together as a family whenever possible. And don't just sit at the same table. Make a point to put the digital devices aside and engage in the almost-lost art of interactive conversation. Involve everyone in meal prep and cleanup. Laugh and pray together. You'll be glad you did.

Q: I've been dating a guy for a while and we're seriously talking marriage. He has a few habits that mildly irritate me, but that's just normal, right? I think there's a lot of potential, especially since I'm sure marriage will change both of us.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I give you credit for thinking about this now. One of the most common mistakes among engaged couples is marrying the person they hope their spouse will become instead of who they already are.

In the dating phase, we tend to overlook each other's bad habits. Maybe one spends too much money or is chronically late, while the other has a short temper or smokes. Whatever the issue, guys and gals are often so caught up in the euphoria of dating they make a common mistake: They ignore how they feel about their beloved's behavior. In almost every case, they think, "Once we get married, he or she will change all of that."

That's a dangerous game to play. It's very common for conflict between a new husband and wife to kick in over behaviors that were present all throughout the dating season.

So, before you get married, decide whether or not you can be content with your potential husband, even if he never changes a thing. After all, there are no guarantees your future spouse will change in the ways you hope he will. That goes both ways, from his side as well.

Naturally, the healthiest marriages are those where both husband and wife work to improve as individuals and to grow together. But that doesn't always happen as smoothly as we think it will. So before your wedding day, make sure you're marrying your spouse for who they are, not who you hope they'll become.

We have a wealth of tools and resources designed to help you prepare well for marriage and build a strong, vibrant relationship. Visit us at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.