Focus on the Family

Q: My wife and I are expecting our first child. I'm excited but terrified. My relationship with my father was awful and I'm afraid I'll be a lousy dad just like he was.

Jim: I get it. I used to worry that I'd be a bad father because my own dad -- an abusive alcoholic -- was such a poor role model. He walked out on our family when I was just five. While he floated in and out of my life for years, he was never a positive influence and didn't model what good fathering looked like. He usually just broke his promises and disappointed me again and again.

Most of us do lean toward parenting the way we were parented. But we CAN break the chains of dysfunction. Learning to be a good dad hasn't always been easy for me, but I wasn't "destined" to follow in my father's footsteps as a parent to my two boys. And you're not locked in to repeating how your dad failed, either.

The most important lesson I've learned is that being a good man and a loving father isn't about "fate." It's all about choices. That's the theme of a book I wrote titled "The Good Dad."

Sure, I still parent out of the void my father left behind. But I do my best to turn those negatives into positives. I make it a priority to connect with my sons in areas where my own father failed miserably. I show my kids unconditional love and demonstrate to them that I'll never leave them no matter what happens.

It sounds like you also want to be a different father than you had growing up -- and you can. New choices aren't always easy, but they are definitely possible. Your kids are counting on you.

For encouragement, tips and resources to be a good Dad, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My teenagers (a son and daughter) both struggle with unwanted sexual thoughts. How do I help them?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is an important question. Is it really about overcoming and avoiding sexual thoughts? Or is it about helping your teen become a healthy adult -- including their sexuality?

As kids enter adolescence, it's common for them to experience an ongoing wrestling match with their sexual thoughts. Your child's new curiosity about topics like dating and sex is a normal and important part of their development, so the goal would not be to eliminate their sexual thoughts. The goal is for them to develop a healthy, loving and self-controlled sexual thought life.

Prioritize ongoing and open conversations. There's a good chance your kids will try to understand and manage their sexual thoughts on their own by searching online or asking their friends. Here are some potential things to intentionally talk about:

-- The purpose of sexuality as a life-giving component within a committed marriage relationship.

-- Any triggers they may be aware of when it comes to their unwanted sexual thoughts.

-- The different worldviews on sexuality and your family's beliefs and values.

Also, establish goals. Most kids tend to do better in school, sports, relationships and activities when they pursue realistic goals. Overcoming unwanted habitual sexual thoughts is no different. As a parent, what is your goal for your child's overall sexual health and wholeness?

Are your kids only learning about how to be consumers? Or are they learning how to be contributors within a trusting, committed and loving relationship? Your teens need to work through their worldview on sexuality. You get to walk alongside them as they learn to love others well, including through their thoughts.

To learn more about building healthy sexual wholeness in your family, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: Can you help me with an awkward situation involving an extended family member? Recently this person harshly disagreed with something I posted on social media, and I confess I didn't respond well. The (unfortunately) public dispute has escalated into critical private messages and even some caustic texts. What do I do now?

Jim: Digital connections among extended family can be great in the right circumstances. When a relationship is healthy, they're an excellent way to stay in touch.

But we've all seen (or experienced) situations when things go off the rails. Author and counselor Dr. John Townsend warns that if you're engaged in conflict with someone, addressing problems through electronic means is the WORST thing you can do. That's because confrontational comments almost always seem worse when you read them. No matter how carefully we word our thoughts, it's far too easy for the reader to feel judged or attacked. In fact, Dr. Townsend recommends that people never use digital channels to confront anyone because the potential for misunderstanding is so great.

Instead, talk face-to-face if at all possible -- or by phone if necessary. Admittedly, addressing disagreements in person can be very uncomfortable. But it's still the best way to ensure that the subtleties of communication carry through and help make reconciliation possible, rather than derail it.

Prioritize affirming the relationship even if you need to "agree to disagree" about some things. I love some great advice about interacting with others that dates back 2000 years: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

The first step in reaching a resolution will likely be to humbly admit any fault you yourself might have had in escalating the situation. If our staff counselors can be of assistance, feel free to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I'm really looking forward to getting married in a couple of months. But my fiance and I both grew up in broken homes and we're scared about whether we can make things last long-term. Do you have any advice?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: A widely respected marriage therapist, Dr. John Gottman, estimates he can predict with 90% accuracy whether or not a newly married couple will go the distance. He doesn't have a crystal ball -- rather, he has conducted extensive research on how couples communicate.

I agree with Dr. Gottman that divorces don't occur over individual conflicts like in-laws or money. The issue is how couples handle those disagreements. Gottman identifies four key behaviors that increase the chances that a couple will divorce: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and acting with contempt toward one another.

Perhaps you read that list and think: "Houston, we have a problem." The good news is that even if you're struggling, your marriage isn't automatically doomed to fail. Real success is a lifelong process -- and it is absolutely possible when you're both committed to doing the work to improve your relationship.

Any couple, no matter their life stage, can learn how to communicate better to solve difficult problems. You may have to practice working together as a team or honing new relationship skills. But those are factors within your control. And that means that almost any couple is just a few communication skills away from creating a healthy and successful marriage.

We have a broad range of resources available to help at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage, including an entire section for marriage prep. In your case, I'd humbly suggest a book I wrote with my wife, Erin, titled "Ready to Wed." You might also check out a book I wrote with Dr. Bob Paul titled "9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage (And the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free)."

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I've heard that your organization highlights the need for foster families, especially those willing to adopt. We're curious to learn more.

Jim: This issue hits home for me because I spent time in the foster system as a child. And my wife, Jean, and I have fostered several children. With planning -- and lots of prayer -- fostering can be a beautiful thing.

There are nearly 400,000 kids in foster care in the United States, and over 25% of them (more than 100,000) are eligible for adoption. The need for adoptive families is huge. But it's obviously a big step to take with a number of important things to consider.

Dr. Debi Grebenik is a licensed social worker and the executive director of a foster care and adoption agency. She emphasizes that the adoption journey is similar to a marriage -- it begins with a commitment for life. Adopting calls for love and understanding, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. That's because there WILL be unforeseen detours, mountaintop experiences, and valleys along the way. Adoptive parents who begin the process faithfully and fearlessly are more likely to see it through.

Furthermore, adoptive parents must be prepared to love their child unconditionally. Most kids have deep emotional wounds after spending years in foster care. Many of them can display defiance, aggression, manipulation, depression and other challenging behaviors.

BUT -- an adoptive parent's unconditional love might well be the only lifeline these children have as they emerge from an unstable environment. And they can truly thrive as they learn what it means to be part of a permanent, solid family for the first time in their lives. For those families willing to step forward, the blessings and rewards far outweigh the challenges.

To learn more about adoption, go to WaitNoMore.org or FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I struggle with anxiety. How do I keep it from affecting my parenting and interactions with my family?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Anxiety is not easy to manage. It tends to spill into your day. I love this question because you're recognizing the negative impact anxiety inside you can have on others around you.

Stress -- which is a given as a parent -- can produce an even more anxious response to a life that already feels somewhat out of control. Anxiety can create a rigid and inflexible mindset that usually predicts the worst to avoid loss, pain or embarrassment.

Here are a few tips for developing a more flexible mindset:

-- Seek perspective from people who are less anxious than you. You want to help your mind consider other potential storylines.

-- Consider how growth and resilience could be built through failure, pain, imperfection and a freedom to explore and trust.

-- Explore your childrens' perspective. Avoid immediately saying "no" or becoming impatient while you're stressed. Ask the questions "What's it like to be with me?" and "What is my child's experience?"

-- Let go of some things. Perhaps you're trying to control almost everything -- that can feel absolutely overwhelming! Figure out what you need to control and what you need to loosen up to maintain your sanity. It's helpful to do this with a professional counselor or trusted friend.

Parenting is messy. Anxiety plus parenting can be even messier. But trying to be the perfect parent isn't the solution. Building a home founded on grace and gratitude can help transform the culture in your family. Remember, your kids aren't looking for you to be perfect. They want you to be present, interested in them, and effectively guiding them with grace and understanding.

For more information about how to help your family handle mental health issues, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.