Focus on the Family

Q: I get so discouraged with constant streams of "news" highlighting how people fight about politics, moral beliefs, race, religion, etc. Honestly, I despair that there can ever be peace in our society. What are your thoughts?

Jim: No doubt about it, our culture is deeply divided on many fronts. But I think much of the conflict is driven by an idea that's fundamentally untrue: the perception that disagreeing with someone means you disrespect them as a person -- or even hate them. That shouldn't be the case.

Sure, beliefs can be polarizing. But differing perspectives don't automatically lead us to jettison our sense of dignity for one another. We can still passionately articulate what we believe, but do it with civility and respect.

The key is grasping and applying a fundamental principle that universally applies to everyone: a person's value is ingrained in qualities beyond what we see at first glance. That's why my Christian faith emphasizes the profound worth of every human being. People don't deserve dignity because they're the right height, shape, color, political persuasion, or any other label. All human beings have immeasurable value because we each bear the image of our Creator.

I firmly believe that conversations about societal issues must start -- and continue -- in that context. And it works. I'm privileged to count people as friends who actively fight for ideas that directly oppose my own deeply held values. We disagree over most social and political issues. But we've still been able to develop genuine friendships based on mutual respect, despite radically differing opinions. None of us believe our opposing views have to turn into animosity or hatred toward one another. That civility allows us to find common ground.

So, I believe the "secret ingredient" is pretty straightforward: respecting our neighbors as we want them to respect us. That perspective builds bridges, not walls.

Q: What can I do to stop my young child's temper tantrums?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Tantrums can be exhausting, but very informative. It is not uncommon for young kids to struggle with managing their overwhelming feelings of anger, frustration and disappointment. But there is always something behind the thoughts and emotions.

Here are a few steps you can take to support your child's emotional control.

1. What's the Root?

At younger ages, it's important to help your child give names to their emotions that kick self-control out of their brain. The roots of their behavior likely involve several feelings they don't know how to verbalize or describe. You can use an Emotions Chart or Feelings Wheel to give names to your child's feelings and more clearly communicate what they're experiencing.

2. Redirect their Thought Bubbles.

You can try to give the child a random fact to get their thinking brain reengaged (e.g., did you know a male hippo weighs more than 3,000 pounds or sharks have about 3,000 teeth?). The child's emotional brain takes over when they are entering a tantrum and it gets locked in -- basically stuck. Dislodge it with an unrelated fact to help the child start thinking again. Some kids also benefit from a timeout, closing their eyes, or doing a relaxing activity like coloring or something active.

3. Provide Redo Opportunities

Your child's brain is still developing as they learn. Give them opportunities to communicate and pursue what they want differently. Teach them healthy and more effective ways to ask for something or to express the emotions they feel. The earlier they know how to handle a disappointment, hunger, or just "no," the better they will function down the road.

For more information about how to resolve temper tantrums, utilize emotions charts, and handle other parenting issues, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: My husband and I did our best to raise our son into a mature adult. But now that he's finished college and out on his own, he's making very poor choices. We're discouraged, and struggle wondering where we went wrong. Do you have any insights?

Jim: Watching an adult child lose their way is extremely difficult. In one sense, you'll always be the parent and he will always be the child you raised. But at the same time, as our kids enter adulthood, the relationship has to transition to a balance between independent people who make their own decisions.

Where do you start? I'd suggest the first step is to avoid submerging yourself in guilt. Did you make mistakes? Sure you did -- every parent does. But your son is old enough to make his own choices and to accept responsibility for them. So give yourself a break.

Second, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that the burden of getting life back on track needs to be your son's, not yours. You can encourage him to make better choices, but again -- it's his life now. So point him in the right direction if you can and give him advice if he asks for it. But let him be his own person.

Now comes the hard part: You have to let your son suffer the consequences of his choices. If you rescue him from his problems, he might never see a reason to make the necessary changes. So don't be too quick to save him from self-inflicted pain.

In situations like this it can be very helpful to discuss your specific concerns with a qualified professional therapist. If you'd like some extra guidance from our staff counselors, I invite you to call 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My husband and I recently moved to a new city. As we make new friends, we wonder how much of our personal story to share. We experienced significant marital issues and eventually divorced, but later reconciled and have remarried. Our old friends knew everything; is there any reason to open up with new acquaintances?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I can understand the reluctance. Nobody likes a scar, which is why most people keep them hidden if they can. But with the right mindset, a scar can actually be a symbol of healing and strength for others.

Let me give you an example. During the Vietnam War, Dave Roever was confident that he would return from his tour without a scratch. But during a firefight, a phosphorous grenade exploded in Dave's hand, horribly burning most of his face and body. His scars were so extensive he'd never be able to hide them.

So, Dave chose to use his wounds to bring healing to others. As a well-known and popular speaker he has encouraged thousands of people to reveal their emotional scars. As he says, "Scars are evidence of pain, but they're also evidence you survived."

That same truth holds for the scars your marriage has suffered as well. Obviously, I don't know what tore your home apart. Whatever the cause, the result is usually the same. People hide their scars to avoid feelings of shame or humiliation.

But a scar can become a symbol of hope to others facing similar problems. Remember, a scar indicates healing has taken place. It means there was an open wound -- but you fought through and mended what was broken in your relationship. I applaud you for that. And others need to hear about it.

So, when it comes to your marriage, don't hide your scars. Let the world around you see them as a source of strength and hope.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I are expecting our first child. I'm excited but terrified. My relationship with my father was awful and I'm afraid I'll be a lousy dad just like he was.

Jim: I get it. I used to worry that I'd be a bad father because my own dad -- an abusive alcoholic -- was such a poor role model. He walked out on our family when I was just five. While he floated in and out of my life for years, he was never a positive influence and didn't model what good fathering looked like. He usually just broke his promises and disappointed me again and again.

Most of us do lean toward parenting the way we were parented. But we CAN break the chains of dysfunction. Learning to be a good dad hasn't always been easy for me, but I wasn't "destined" to follow in my father's footsteps as a parent to my two boys. And you're not locked in to repeating how your dad failed, either.

The most important lesson I've learned is that being a good man and a loving father isn't about "fate." It's all about choices. That's the theme of a book I wrote titled "The Good Dad."

Sure, I still parent out of the void my father left behind. But I do my best to turn those negatives into positives. I make it a priority to connect with my sons in areas where my own father failed miserably. I show my kids unconditional love and demonstrate to them that I'll never leave them no matter what happens.

It sounds like you also want to be a different father than you had growing up -- and you can. New choices aren't always easy, but they are definitely possible. Your kids are counting on you.

For encouragement, tips and resources to be a good Dad, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My teenagers (a son and daughter) both struggle with unwanted sexual thoughts. How do I help them?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is an important question. Is it really about overcoming and avoiding sexual thoughts? Or is it about helping your teen become a healthy adult -- including their sexuality?

As kids enter adolescence, it's common for them to experience an ongoing wrestling match with their sexual thoughts. Your child's new curiosity about topics like dating and sex is a normal and important part of their development, so the goal would not be to eliminate their sexual thoughts. The goal is for them to develop a healthy, loving and self-controlled sexual thought life.

Prioritize ongoing and open conversations. There's a good chance your kids will try to understand and manage their sexual thoughts on their own by searching online or asking their friends. Here are some potential things to intentionally talk about:

-- The purpose of sexuality as a life-giving component within a committed marriage relationship.

-- Any triggers they may be aware of when it comes to their unwanted sexual thoughts.

-- The different worldviews on sexuality and your family's beliefs and values.

Also, establish goals. Most kids tend to do better in school, sports, relationships and activities when they pursue realistic goals. Overcoming unwanted habitual sexual thoughts is no different. As a parent, what is your goal for your child's overall sexual health and wholeness?

Are your kids only learning about how to be consumers? Or are they learning how to be contributors within a trusting, committed and loving relationship? Your teens need to work through their worldview on sexuality. You get to walk alongside them as they learn to love others well, including through their thoughts.

To learn more about building healthy sexual wholeness in your family, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.