Focus on the Family

Q: My wife and I have two school-age sons. I'm looking forward to teaching them about the various sports and hobbies I enjoy; I think that will keep us close as they grow up. Do you have any advice?

Jim: It's natural for parents to want our children to follow in our footsteps. But I'd caution you against taking that idea too far.

Some years back, a study conducted in Canada suggested that parents who want their children to discover a particular passion -- say, for music or sports -- actually need to consider a hands-off approach. For example, say you're a fan of golf. There's nothing wrong with encouraging your son to take up the sport, just don't push him into it. Your motivation may well be the joy of the game. But he might be doing it only out of a sense of obligation or the fear of disappointing you.

The Canadian study also revealed another danger with forcing your children to pursue only the hobbies that you think they should. Some kids with high-pressure parents will embrace the hobbies mom and dad select for them, but they'll become obsessed ... that hobby will often consume them. The child's entire identity can become wrapped up in being a clarinet player or a quarterback. But when they play a wrong note or throw an interception, their self-esteem plummets.

Yes, we as parents need to be strategic about impressing morals and values -- the difference between right and wrong -- on our kids. But when it comes to sports, hobbies and other pastimes, we need to grant them some autonomy. I still want each of my now-adult sons to be a "chip off the old block," but I frequently remind myself to let (and help) Trent and Troy develop the specific gifts and talents God gave them. It's not about me.

Q: My fiance and I are excited about getting married in a few months, but we're also intimidated. Sometimes the whole marriage thing seems rather overwhelming. Do you have any suggestions?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I like the analogy that marriage is somewhat like a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. The first step in building a puzzle is to empty the pieces out of the box and sift through the pile. You're looking for border pieces and matching colors. Then you put the whole border together (if you can) to get some sense of the space you're working with. Through the process, it's important to keep looking at the picture on the front of the box.

Obviously, the picture is your goal -- and point of reference. As you put more pieces in the right places, the puzzle starts to look how it should. But without the picture for comparison, you'll basically just be randomly experimenting. The colors will blend together, few if any of the pieces will seem connected, and the whole thing would be a big, frustrating mystery.

The first few years of marriage can sometimes be a frustrating mystery, too. You hardly know each other. The pieces to your marriage puzzle have been dumped onto the table and your differences are just starting to appear clearly. To create a happy and successful marriage, you have to sift through it all and line up the pieces. Admittedly, that can be a daunting task.

The solution is to keep looking at the reference picture. Develop a vision for your marriage and strategically pursue it together. Read a marriage book -- or several. Definitely get premarital counseling (and maybe even post-wedding counseling). Healthy marriages are easier to piece together when couples have a common vision and goal to pursue.

We have many resources to help your marriage thrive at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I have a good career going, which helps me provide the best for my wife and kids. I have been presented with a couple of potential opportunities that would involve relocating across the country. As I weigh my options, what sort of "family principles" would you suggest keeping in mind?

Jim: A career change can often be a great opportunity. OR it could be the worst thing possible for your family. It all hinges on how you handle the choices you're facing.

Many people (especially guys) tend to make career decisions based on one thing: their financial bottom line. But a better income isn't healthy if your family life is severely affected. You have the chance to relocate for a new job. Are the career benefits worth leaving behind your existing support system of friends, family and community? Are your children emotionally prepared to start over in a new school? How might the changes you're considering impact your relationships with each other within the household?

If the answers to all of those questions point to making a change, you've laid the foundation for success -- not just in your career, but in your home as well. But if any of the pieces don't fit well, you're just asking for trouble.

I know, we all want to get ahead financially. But I encourage you to emphasize protecting the most important relationships in your life. More money and responsibility are excellent achievements, but they generally come with a lot more stress. And that dynamic can put significant strain on everyone in the household.

Decisions about your career will inevitably impact far more than just your budget. Don't let your ambition for money and success come at the cost of your family. Use foresight and make good choices that will protect what really matters.

Q: My daughter is a sensitive child. Do I need to change how I discipline her or address her emotions?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Raising sensitive and emotional children can be challenging and frustrating -- even though these kids are incredible gifts. In fact, your sensitive child likely has a remarkable capacity for intuition, joy and love because her personality can be more tender. However, it also means she may be prone to overreacting, misreading situations, and getting her feelings hurt.

Here are a few ways to help your sensitive child with her perceptions and responses.

1. Validate

As you intersect with your sensitive child's emotions, do your best to look beyond the emotions and behaviors and into how she is seeing the situation. Usually, the emotions and behaviors match the child's perception. They think that if someone corrects them, they are unlovable or might not be enough for that person. If that is the perception, then intense fear, acting out and crying make sense.

2. Guide

Teach your child that there is more than one way to look at things. You could say, "That is one way to look at what's going on. Another way to look at it is ..." Help your sensitive child consider other possibilities and find new ways to receive approval, trust and loyalty.

3. Set Limits and Boundaries

If you skip discipline with your sensitive child out of fear of her emotional response or hurting her feelings, you miss out on an opportunity to teach her awareness or how to manage her fear of disappointing others. Boundaries and limits can be critical to helping your child learn to navigate difficult feelings.

To learn more practical tips for raising a sensitive child, and for other ways to implement intentional guidance in your parenting, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: My adult daughter is 35 years old; I haven't spoken with her since she was 17. I definitely wasn't the best father, but I've made positive changes in recent years. I long for our relationship to be restored. Should I reach out to her, or wait for her to hopefully show some interest in me?

Jim: I'm sure there have been many things over the years that led to this difficult situation, and my heart goes out to both of you. It's encouraging to hear that for your part, you've been able to make some positive improvements.

No matter how young or old we are, most of us naturally think of Dad and Mom as the "grownup" in the relationship. So unless there's some kind of significant extenuating circumstance, I suggest you take the lead. Initiate contact to reach out to your daughter. Show your interest in her. A little humility will go a long way.

Just as important, be patient and willing to persevere. Don't give up on inviting your daughter into your life at the first sign of adversity. Certainly, respect the fact that your history together may have left some sore spots. Grant her space for doubt or for old wounds that haven't been resolved yet.

Meanwhile, take heart. Daughter or son, 60 or 16 -- deep inside, every child longs to reconcile with their father or mother. Some children are always open and ready, while others may harbor anger or still distrust you in some way. Even those motivated to reconnect may need time for their hearts to soften. Just keep your heart open and keep taking the lead.

If you'd like to discuss this matter further, our staff counselors would be happy to help. I invite you to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357). And I wish you both the best.

Q: I'm battling feelings of attraction toward my husband's best friend. Neither man has any clue of my struggle, and I don't want to jeopardize their relationship. I've heard that such things should be shared between spouses for purposes of accountability, but I'm not sure that'd be wise. Should I tell my husband?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Accountability is certainly important, but it's something else to burden your spouse with every questionable thought and wayward impulse that passes through your mind. We all have to deal with our share of "internal garbage." That doesn't mean that we should dump it on the people around us.

Telling your spouse the truth isn't the same thing as revealing every feeling you've ever had. Now, of course couples should be frank and open with each other. But some people provide TMI (Too Much Information) about past and present actions and thoughts. Timing and level of detail are always crucial considerations. Silence isn't necessarily dishonest -- in fact, sometimes the loving thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

This is especially true in a case like yours. If your inappropriate emotions ever do find expression in inappropriate words or actions -- and I hope and pray this NEVER happens -- that will be the time for accountability, remorse and confession. Until then, you're better off keeping this matter between yourself and God.

That last thought -- the spiritual component -- is absolutely critical. Rather than dumping on your husband and jeopardizing your marriage, confess your illicit feelings to God and seek His help to remain faithful to your marriage vows. Meanwhile, say and do only what you believe will be in the best interests of your marriage. In short: Focus on the relationship you have.

If you'd like to talk to our staff counselors about this, please call the number given above.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.