Focus on the Family

Q: Our daughter is in middle school. One of her classmates (although not a close friend) recently took her own life. The family is wracked with guilt, and all of us who know them are devastated. We're also concerned about how this will affect other kids. What can we do?

Jim: I feel for you all. Some years back there were five suicides at my sons' relatively small high school in less than two years. The scale of the tragedy was shocking. Parents, peers and school officials were left heartbroken and struggling with questions about what they may have missed.

Unfortunately, if we don't know what to look for, any parent can overlook important signs that their child is at risk for self-harm. Suicide is now the second-leading cause of death among teens. So it's critical that we all work to understand and address the causes of this epidemic.

Experts say that family and personal history, conflicts at home or school, social and emotional disconnection, illness and past trauma or abuse can all play a part. Not to mention the hormonal changes and lack of mature experience involved in adolescence. Simply put, in many cases suicide results from a "perfect storm" of interrelated psychological problems, some of which may not be under the victim's conscious control.

Depression is one of the most common conditions among teenagers contemplating suicide. They may lose interest in favorite activities or say they feel worthless. You might notice them telling people goodbye, giving away prized possessions or isolating from friends and family. They may exhibit reckless behaviors or get involved with substance abuse. Take note of romantic breakups, problems with bullies or humiliating situations at school. Those events can trigger or accelerate a downward spiral into suicidal behavior. And as happened at my boys' school, one suicide may initiate a chain of other teens following suit.

If you see ANY of these signs, talk to your teenager and find out what's happening. Your child might not immediately open up; keep reaching out and get to the truth. If there's a problem, seek professional assistance that will equip the teen to find positive solutions when life gets tough.

Many people view suicide as a taboo subject -- something we dare not mention, erroneously thinking that talking about suicide may actually encourage it. That's a dangerous misconception. In reality, honest discussion of suicide-related doubts, fears and tensions is one of the best ways of preventing self-destructive behavior among young people.

I know it isn't easy. But talk candidly about these issues with your teens. And encourage teachers, church and community leaders and your fellow parents to address the topic as well. If you're concerned about a loved one, intervene. Talk to a pastor or counselor. You can also call or text 988 to contact the national 988 Suicide and Crisis Hotline. Bringing the issue into the light can offer a lifeline to someone who may be in a very dark place without hope.

Here at Focus on the Family, we regularly hear from people dealing with all aspects of this issue. That's why we developed "Alive to Thrive" -- a faith-based program that explores the psychological, social and spiritual aspects of the epidemic.

This resource is written by clinical and pastoral experts with the goal of helping parents, teachers, youth workers and ministry leaders intervene before thoughts of suicide turn into action. You can find out more at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Alive-To-Thrive.

Meanwhile, if any reader would like some direct advice and assistance -- especially if you're seeking help combatting suicidal thoughts yourself, no matter your age -- I urge you to contact our staff counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357). There IS hope -- and reason to live.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I have two school-age sons. I'm looking forward to teaching them about the various sports and hobbies I enjoy; I think that will keep us close as they grow up. Do you have any advice?

Jim: It's natural for parents to want our children to follow in our footsteps. But I'd caution you against taking that idea too far.

Some years back, a study conducted in Canada suggested that parents who want their children to discover a particular passion -- say, for music or sports -- actually need to consider a hands-off approach. For example, say you're a fan of golf. There's nothing wrong with encouraging your son to take up the sport, just don't push him into it. Your motivation may well be the joy of the game. But he might be doing it only out of a sense of obligation or the fear of disappointing you.

The Canadian study also revealed another danger with forcing your children to pursue only the hobbies that you think they should. Some kids with high-pressure parents will embrace the hobbies mom and dad select for them, but they'll become obsessed ... that hobby will often consume them. The child's entire identity can become wrapped up in being a clarinet player or a quarterback. But when they play a wrong note or throw an interception, their self-esteem plummets.

Yes, we as parents need to be strategic about impressing morals and values -- the difference between right and wrong -- on our kids. But when it comes to sports, hobbies and other pastimes, we need to grant them some autonomy. I still want each of my now-adult sons to be a "chip off the old block," but I frequently remind myself to let (and help) Trent and Troy develop the specific gifts and talents God gave them. It's not about me.

Q: My fiance and I are excited about getting married in a few months, but we're also intimidated. Sometimes the whole marriage thing seems rather overwhelming. Do you have any suggestions?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I like the analogy that marriage is somewhat like a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. The first step in building a puzzle is to empty the pieces out of the box and sift through the pile. You're looking for border pieces and matching colors. Then you put the whole border together (if you can) to get some sense of the space you're working with. Through the process, it's important to keep looking at the picture on the front of the box.

Obviously, the picture is your goal -- and point of reference. As you put more pieces in the right places, the puzzle starts to look how it should. But without the picture for comparison, you'll basically just be randomly experimenting. The colors will blend together, few if any of the pieces will seem connected, and the whole thing would be a big, frustrating mystery.

The first few years of marriage can sometimes be a frustrating mystery, too. You hardly know each other. The pieces to your marriage puzzle have been dumped onto the table and your differences are just starting to appear clearly. To create a happy and successful marriage, you have to sift through it all and line up the pieces. Admittedly, that can be a daunting task.

The solution is to keep looking at the reference picture. Develop a vision for your marriage and strategically pursue it together. Read a marriage book -- or several. Definitely get premarital counseling (and maybe even post-wedding counseling). Healthy marriages are easier to piece together when couples have a common vision and goal to pursue.

We have many resources to help your marriage thrive at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I have a good career going, which helps me provide the best for my wife and kids. I have been presented with a couple of potential opportunities that would involve relocating across the country. As I weigh my options, what sort of "family principles" would you suggest keeping in mind?

Jim: A career change can often be a great opportunity. OR it could be the worst thing possible for your family. It all hinges on how you handle the choices you're facing.

Many people (especially guys) tend to make career decisions based on one thing: their financial bottom line. But a better income isn't healthy if your family life is severely affected. You have the chance to relocate for a new job. Are the career benefits worth leaving behind your existing support system of friends, family and community? Are your children emotionally prepared to start over in a new school? How might the changes you're considering impact your relationships with each other within the household?

If the answers to all of those questions point to making a change, you've laid the foundation for success -- not just in your career, but in your home as well. But if any of the pieces don't fit well, you're just asking for trouble.

I know, we all want to get ahead financially. But I encourage you to emphasize protecting the most important relationships in your life. More money and responsibility are excellent achievements, but they generally come with a lot more stress. And that dynamic can put significant strain on everyone in the household.

Decisions about your career will inevitably impact far more than just your budget. Don't let your ambition for money and success come at the cost of your family. Use foresight and make good choices that will protect what really matters.

Q: My daughter is a sensitive child. Do I need to change how I discipline her or address her emotions?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Raising sensitive and emotional children can be challenging and frustrating -- even though these kids are incredible gifts. In fact, your sensitive child likely has a remarkable capacity for intuition, joy and love because her personality can be more tender. However, it also means she may be prone to overreacting, misreading situations, and getting her feelings hurt.

Here are a few ways to help your sensitive child with her perceptions and responses.

1. Validate

As you intersect with your sensitive child's emotions, do your best to look beyond the emotions and behaviors and into how she is seeing the situation. Usually, the emotions and behaviors match the child's perception. They think that if someone corrects them, they are unlovable or might not be enough for that person. If that is the perception, then intense fear, acting out and crying make sense.

2. Guide

Teach your child that there is more than one way to look at things. You could say, "That is one way to look at what's going on. Another way to look at it is ..." Help your sensitive child consider other possibilities and find new ways to receive approval, trust and loyalty.

3. Set Limits and Boundaries

If you skip discipline with your sensitive child out of fear of her emotional response or hurting her feelings, you miss out on an opportunity to teach her awareness or how to manage her fear of disappointing others. Boundaries and limits can be critical to helping your child learn to navigate difficult feelings.

To learn more practical tips for raising a sensitive child, and for other ways to implement intentional guidance in your parenting, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.