Focus on the Family

Q: How's a parent supposed to connect with teens when life is always crazy? My husband and I both work, while our kids have school, jobs, friends and all sorts of activities. Everybody in our house is constantly coming and going. Help!

Jim: My two sons are adults now, but I get it. Those teen years were nuts -- especially since I'm often on the road for work. Connecting can be challenging, but you'll never regret making the effort.

Start by resolving to make what little time you DO have together a positive experience. Go out of your way, every chance you get, to tell your teens how proud you are of them. While I'm sure there are areas where they could improve, affirm them for the things they're doing well. Unconditional love and encouragement are key ingredients in the recipe for connection.

Then, find ways to deliberately carve time out of all your busy schedules. I'm glad I made the decision some years back to reduce my work travel in summer so I can spend time with my wife and sons. Your teens may act like they don't "need" time with you, but I can attest that there's no greater gift you can give. It might be an early morning breakfast before school. It can be a few minutes after work or just before bedtime. Those one-on-one times with your daughter or son are priceless moments they'll always cherish -- and so will you. Time as an entire family is important, of course. But time alone with your teen can breathe new life into your relationship.

Most of all, don't let the bustling activity in your household discourage you. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the difference a few moments with your teen here and there can make in your relationship.

Q: Sometimes I try to give my wife "constructive feedback" about something around the house or in our marriage. But she usually doesn't respond well, and even gets snippy occasionally. Why can't I call it like I see it? I'm just trying to help.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: There's one guarantee in marriage: Sooner or later, your spouse will fail to measure up to your expectations (and vice versa, or course). The question is how you respond: In short, are you an encourager or a fault-finder?

Many marriages are sabotaged by what expert Dr. H. Norman Wright calls "fault-finders." This is a spouse who acts out of a critical spirit and is quick to point out their partner's shortcomings. That attitude basically communicates: "I don't accept you for who you are. You're not good enough for me." The irony is that while fault-finders dish out criticism, they often take offense when the discussion turns to how they are hurting the marriage. This unhealthy dynamic generally throws a couple's relationship into a downward spiral.

So, start by being honest with yourself. If you've been a fault-finder, and you recognize the damage it's doing to your relationship, why not try another approach? Learn how to become your mate's biggest cheerleader. Encourage her and praise her good qualities as well as her efforts. Highlight her potential while getting (and communicating) a vision for what your marriage can become -- not just what it is right now.

To say it another way: Work on replacing your critical spirit with a positive one. Then, when circumstances inevitably arise that require you to face your own faults, you'll be able to deal with them from a place of goodwill and trust -- and without the defensive attitude that makes a bad situation worse.

For more tips and resources, including helpful relationship assessment tools, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I've tried every sort of diet -- and more than a few weight-loss gimmicks -- but I just can't seem to drop even a few pounds. I know I'm overweight. It's very discouraging and affects how I view myself. Do you have any ideas?

Jim: I hear you: The older I get, the further I stretch from the trim teenage athlete I once was.

There's a simple reason why most of us gain weight -- we take in more calories than our bodies can use. That's easier than ever to do in today's society, with larger meal portions, ultra-processed ingredients and fast food. And culturally, we're significantly less active than past generations.

So, obesity itself is fairly easy to understand. But so are the basics of balancing exercise and nutrition. Our activity levels need to increase, while we decrease our time sitting in front of screens. It can be as straightforward as just walking 30 minutes each day. Just get moving; exercise doesn't necessarily have to be strenuous to be helpful. Regarding nutrition, keep it simple and make food choices you can stick with over the long haul.

Still, all of this misses a bigger question: If good health is that basic, why is it so hard to lose weight? The answer is that changing bad habits is tough on your own. You need the support of other people. Research shows that those who have a strong community of support are more likely to lose weight and keep it off. Join an exercise class. Find a walking buddy. Enlist some friends to help you resist binging on unhealthy desserts.

The bottom line: My best suggestion for shedding those unwanted pounds is a recipe including a little bit of grit and a whole lot of encouragement from people you trust. Don't go it alone anymore.

Q: I've noticed my teen son's mood shifting this summer. What can I do to help him prepare for school this fall?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Having worked with teenagers for more than two decades, and now as a parent with teens, I know firsthand how often their moods and emotions can shift.

Summer's end and the beginning of a new school year present unique and challenging times for teens. As they return to school, they have to navigate and manage new demands, responsibilities and insecurities.

Here are some tips to help support your teen's mindset this school year:

1. Check in With Your Teen Regularly.

If you haven't already, establish a routine of checking in with your teen. This could be a weekly family meeting or conversation on walks, in the car or after dinner. Creating a non-judgmental and safe space can help them share their experiences and concerns without fear, criticism or rejection.

2. Look for Signs.

There are a few indicators to look for to see if your teen's mental health is off. For example, try to notice if there are unusual changes in their sleep, eating and/or interests. Take the time to listen and to ask questions. You can also say, "I'm worried about you. What's going on?" The key is noticing, being present and finding help if needed.

3. How to Share Feelings.

Some teens need coaching on how to share their feelings. Use open-ended questions like "How did that make you feel?", "Tell me more about ..." or "What I'm seeing tells me you may be struggling with something; tell me more." This especially applies for teens who generally use few words. Remember that all kids have unique communication styles, so it's important to be creative.

To learn more about building a mentally healthy home for your family, go to FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: Our daughter is in middle school. One of her classmates (although not a close friend) recently took her own life. The family is wracked with guilt, and all of us who know them are devastated. We're also concerned about how this will affect other kids. What can we do?

Jim: I feel for you all. Some years back there were five suicides at my sons' relatively small high school in less than two years. The scale of the tragedy was shocking. Parents, peers and school officials were left heartbroken and struggling with questions about what they may have missed.

Unfortunately, if we don't know what to look for, any parent can overlook important signs that their child is at risk for self-harm. Suicide is now the second-leading cause of death among teens. So it's critical that we all work to understand and address the causes of this epidemic.

Experts say that family and personal history, conflicts at home or school, social and emotional disconnection, illness and past trauma or abuse can all play a part. Not to mention the hormonal changes and lack of mature experience involved in adolescence. Simply put, in many cases suicide results from a "perfect storm" of interrelated psychological problems, some of which may not be under the victim's conscious control.

Depression is one of the most common conditions among teenagers contemplating suicide. They may lose interest in favorite activities or say they feel worthless. You might notice them telling people goodbye, giving away prized possessions or isolating from friends and family. They may exhibit reckless behaviors or get involved with substance abuse. Take note of romantic breakups, problems with bullies or humiliating situations at school. Those events can trigger or accelerate a downward spiral into suicidal behavior. And as happened at my boys' school, one suicide may initiate a chain of other teens following suit.

If you see ANY of these signs, talk to your teenager and find out what's happening. Your child might not immediately open up; keep reaching out and get to the truth. If there's a problem, seek professional assistance that will equip the teen to find positive solutions when life gets tough.

Many people view suicide as a taboo subject -- something we dare not mention, erroneously thinking that talking about suicide may actually encourage it. That's a dangerous misconception. In reality, honest discussion of suicide-related doubts, fears and tensions is one of the best ways of preventing self-destructive behavior among young people.

I know it isn't easy. But talk candidly about these issues with your teens. And encourage teachers, church and community leaders and your fellow parents to address the topic as well. If you're concerned about a loved one, intervene. Talk to a pastor or counselor. You can also call or text 988 to contact the national 988 Suicide and Crisis Hotline. Bringing the issue into the light can offer a lifeline to someone who may be in a very dark place without hope.

Here at Focus on the Family, we regularly hear from people dealing with all aspects of this issue. That's why we developed "Alive to Thrive" -- a faith-based program that explores the psychological, social and spiritual aspects of the epidemic.

This resource is written by clinical and pastoral experts with the goal of helping parents, teachers, youth workers and ministry leaders intervene before thoughts of suicide turn into action. You can find out more at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Alive-To-Thrive.

Meanwhile, if any reader would like some direct advice and assistance -- especially if you're seeking help combatting suicidal thoughts yourself, no matter your age -- I urge you to contact our staff counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357). There IS hope -- and reason to live.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.