Focus on the Family

Q: Whether I'm just talking to other people, or especially watching social media, it seems like their families are perfect. The kids are happy and always behave, everybody's loving and nobody has any real problems. But MY family -- HAH! What am I missing?

Jim: I think most of us have looked at the social media feeds for friends, coworkers or folks at church and thought, "Wow, they have everything together." But here's the truth: They don't.

We're all prone to wearing a face publicly that ONLY shows us in our best and happiest times. Everything else we keep private. Jean and I didn't take pictures of our sons when they brought home a bad grade from school. We don't pose for selfies in the middle of arguing with each other. I expect you don't record -- much less post or share -- those less-than-perfect moments, either. Nor do your friends and family.

What we see -- and let others see -- are the carefully curated highlights. Many of those smiling children pictured on Instagram probably talk back to their parents. And I'm sure those moms and dads snap at their kids from time to time instead of patiently listening. That perfect recipe probably took several tries before the results were post-worthy. In fact, those folks might even have weeds in their lawn!

Perfect families simply don't exist. And even if they did, I'm certainly not the guy who could tell you how to become one. But you and I are both fortunate because the goal isn't perfection. The goal is a family that is progressing toward being strong and healthy. That means Dad, Mom and all the kids love each other and handle their problems with respect and patience. Anybody -- everybody -- can work toward that. And we have lots of resources to help you do it at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Bedtime is such a struggle for me and my kids. What can I do to make this nightly process easier?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Most experts agree on the various reasons why bedtime can be a struggle for young kids. They often resist going to bed because they want to spend time with their parents or siblings. Or, it's because they're anxious about separation from you during the night.

In some cases, bedtime is difficult because a child lacks self-control or has self-regulation issues. Sometimes their personality traits can present unique challenges.

Here are some pointers to help ease bedtime battles.

-- The Power of Routines.

Establishing a bedtime routine helps your child know what to expect as they get ready for bed. Having a routine they can trust -- which includes you -- can be reassuring. Since kids tend to have less self-control at bedtime, they can be impulsive or easily distracted. Routines and bedtime checklists can help keep them on track.

-- Practice Positivity.

In some cases, your child might struggle with negative thoughts as nighttime approaches. Positive activities can help, such as one I call "high fives". In high five, put your hand up as if you're going to wave. Then have your child pull each finger down as you tell them something fun you want to do with them. This can become something they look forward to -- perhaps even the best part of their day.

-- Use Their Imagination.

Get creative by using your child's imagination to your advantage. For example, set up their favorite stuffed animals as "watchers" near the closet or door to watch their room during the night. Giving your child a sense of control over the environment (their room) helps ease fears or worries about bedtime.

For more insights about making bedtime special and meaningful instead of a struggle, go to FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: How's a parent supposed to connect with teens when life is always crazy? My husband and I both work, while our kids have school, jobs, friends and all sorts of activities. Everybody in our house is constantly coming and going. Help!

Jim: My two sons are adults now, but I get it. Those teen years were nuts -- especially since I'm often on the road for work. Connecting can be challenging, but you'll never regret making the effort.

Start by resolving to make what little time you DO have together a positive experience. Go out of your way, every chance you get, to tell your teens how proud you are of them. While I'm sure there are areas where they could improve, affirm them for the things they're doing well. Unconditional love and encouragement are key ingredients in the recipe for connection.

Then, find ways to deliberately carve time out of all your busy schedules. I'm glad I made the decision some years back to reduce my work travel in summer so I can spend time with my wife and sons. Your teens may act like they don't "need" time with you, but I can attest that there's no greater gift you can give. It might be an early morning breakfast before school. It can be a few minutes after work or just before bedtime. Those one-on-one times with your daughter or son are priceless moments they'll always cherish -- and so will you. Time as an entire family is important, of course. But time alone with your teen can breathe new life into your relationship.

Most of all, don't let the bustling activity in your household discourage you. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the difference a few moments with your teen here and there can make in your relationship.

Q: Sometimes I try to give my wife "constructive feedback" about something around the house or in our marriage. But she usually doesn't respond well, and even gets snippy occasionally. Why can't I call it like I see it? I'm just trying to help.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: There's one guarantee in marriage: Sooner or later, your spouse will fail to measure up to your expectations (and vice versa, or course). The question is how you respond: In short, are you an encourager or a fault-finder?

Many marriages are sabotaged by what expert Dr. H. Norman Wright calls "fault-finders." This is a spouse who acts out of a critical spirit and is quick to point out their partner's shortcomings. That attitude basically communicates: "I don't accept you for who you are. You're not good enough for me." The irony is that while fault-finders dish out criticism, they often take offense when the discussion turns to how they are hurting the marriage. This unhealthy dynamic generally throws a couple's relationship into a downward spiral.

So, start by being honest with yourself. If you've been a fault-finder, and you recognize the damage it's doing to your relationship, why not try another approach? Learn how to become your mate's biggest cheerleader. Encourage her and praise her good qualities as well as her efforts. Highlight her potential while getting (and communicating) a vision for what your marriage can become -- not just what it is right now.

To say it another way: Work on replacing your critical spirit with a positive one. Then, when circumstances inevitably arise that require you to face your own faults, you'll be able to deal with them from a place of goodwill and trust -- and without the defensive attitude that makes a bad situation worse.

For more tips and resources, including helpful relationship assessment tools, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: I've tried every sort of diet -- and more than a few weight-loss gimmicks -- but I just can't seem to drop even a few pounds. I know I'm overweight. It's very discouraging and affects how I view myself. Do you have any ideas?

Jim: I hear you: The older I get, the further I stretch from the trim teenage athlete I once was.

There's a simple reason why most of us gain weight -- we take in more calories than our bodies can use. That's easier than ever to do in today's society, with larger meal portions, ultra-processed ingredients and fast food. And culturally, we're significantly less active than past generations.

So, obesity itself is fairly easy to understand. But so are the basics of balancing exercise and nutrition. Our activity levels need to increase, while we decrease our time sitting in front of screens. It can be as straightforward as just walking 30 minutes each day. Just get moving; exercise doesn't necessarily have to be strenuous to be helpful. Regarding nutrition, keep it simple and make food choices you can stick with over the long haul.

Still, all of this misses a bigger question: If good health is that basic, why is it so hard to lose weight? The answer is that changing bad habits is tough on your own. You need the support of other people. Research shows that those who have a strong community of support are more likely to lose weight and keep it off. Join an exercise class. Find a walking buddy. Enlist some friends to help you resist binging on unhealthy desserts.

The bottom line: My best suggestion for shedding those unwanted pounds is a recipe including a little bit of grit and a whole lot of encouragement from people you trust. Don't go it alone anymore.

Q: I've noticed my teen son's mood shifting this summer. What can I do to help him prepare for school this fall?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Having worked with teenagers for more than two decades, and now as a parent with teens, I know firsthand how often their moods and emotions can shift.

Summer's end and the beginning of a new school year present unique and challenging times for teens. As they return to school, they have to navigate and manage new demands, responsibilities and insecurities.

Here are some tips to help support your teen's mindset this school year:

1. Check in With Your Teen Regularly.

If you haven't already, establish a routine of checking in with your teen. This could be a weekly family meeting or conversation on walks, in the car or after dinner. Creating a non-judgmental and safe space can help them share their experiences and concerns without fear, criticism or rejection.

2. Look for Signs.

There are a few indicators to look for to see if your teen's mental health is off. For example, try to notice if there are unusual changes in their sleep, eating and/or interests. Take the time to listen and to ask questions. You can also say, "I'm worried about you. What's going on?" The key is noticing, being present and finding help if needed.

3. How to Share Feelings.

Some teens need coaching on how to share their feelings. Use open-ended questions like "How did that make you feel?", "Tell me more about ..." or "What I'm seeing tells me you may be struggling with something; tell me more." This especially applies for teens who generally use few words. Remember that all kids have unique communication styles, so it's important to be creative.

To learn more about building a mentally healthy home for your family, go to FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.