Focus on the Family

Q: I thought Christmas was -- is -- supposed to be about "peace on Earth." But when I look at the world, all I see is conflict, hatred and suffering. Where's the peace?

Jim: I suppose it's easy to be somewhat discouraged when we look at our world and see all the pain and heartache. And I know that many people use that suffering as "proof" to reject the message of Christmas altogether.

But I see it differently. In my view, the purpose and meaning of Christmas is not to paste a fake smile over the ugliness of this world and pretend that everything's just fine. We can see that it isn't -- yet.

The promise of Christmas -- the reason we can sing about "peace on Earth, goodwill to men" -- is summed up in the word HOPE. The story of the baby in the manger is a glimpse into the reality that there's much more than just this world, and this present pain. Heaven came to Earth and actually entered into our pain and brokenness. And Christmas is just Act 1 -- it isn't complete without Easter.

Yes, our world is a mess. But I believe there's something beyond this world. If we're willing to dig into the meaning behind Christmas (and Easter), grasping the hope and peace that is offered through those historical events, we can rise above the pain and suffering. We can actually thrive amidst the hardships because we know there's hope for what's beyond this life. And with that hope filling our hearts and driving our actions, we can work to make this present broken world a better, more peaceful place.

For more about the hope of Christmas, visit the website below or call 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).

Q: When my husband and I have some tension, I tend to be less patient and more irritable with my children. How can I still connect with my kids even when my husband and I are having conflict?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Relationships lead to emotions -- sometimes positive, sometimes negative. So it only makes sense that when you're "off" emotionally toward your husband, you're more prone to being "off" toward your kids.

It sounds like it's time to seek some counseling help for your marriage so you and your husband can identify what hot buttons you each have that are being pushed -- and why those buttons exist. Meanwhile, here are four things you can do as a gift for your children:

-- Write down what you're upset about, then come back to those thoughts and emotions later as you work to resolve the issues with your husband. Kids can learn that writing things down can be a helpful way to shift their brain when they get stuck emotionally.

-- Take a personal time-out to regulate your brain. I recommend parents give themselves time-outs to model their value for the kids. Time-outs help you reach for the better thoughts and regroup your emotions.

-- Find your playful side. This may be difficult, but can help you feel connection with children -- which makes you more patient. Kids can learn that laughter and playfulness help them regain a positive point of view.

-- Take a quick walk or call a trustworthy and life-giving friend. Some fresh air or a conversation with a trusted listener may be what you need to regain perspective. This teaches kids a great skill as they learn to navigate conflict.

Research strongly shows that emotional regulation is a predictor of marital -- and parenting -- satisfaction. The best gift you and your spouse can give your kids, grandkids and great-grandkids is a loving, stable marriage.

We have resources to help your family thrive -- including referrals for counseling assistance -- at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: It's almost impossible to buy presents for my father. He has virtually everything he wants and insists we shouldn't get him anything for Christmas. But I want our kids to learn generosity -- and we all want to honor Grandpa somehow. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: It's been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But in many cases the way to a father's (and grandfather's) heart is through the nearly extinct art of hand-written notes.

Here's a "pro tip": Dads won't often admit it, but most of us love hand-written notes from our children. The messages don't need to be long or complicated; just a few quick lines that speak from the heart. Reference fond memories, something special he's done or the influence he's had in your life.

Grandpa is likely to throw away store-bought cards unless there's something meaningful written inside. Dads love to hear that they've made an impact in their kids' (and grandkids') lives and that you value that influence. Simply put, you can't buy a more meaningful gift. And unlike another tie, he won't discard or ignore this present.

For the dads reading, remember this: Your children will treasure the personal notes that you write to them. Connecting with your children is more than roughhousing or wrestling on the floor -- it's OK (in fact, vital) to express your love through tenderness, too. Write a few quick lines that highlight what your child does well and what you love about them.

Emails and texts are certainly useful, but they don't connect us at a human level. Hand-written notes, with their unique flourishes and scribbles, bond us with the person who wrote or reads them. Christmas is a great time to put pen, crayon, or pencil to paper and say, "I love you."

Q: My hopes and dreams for marriage were derailed this past year with the end of a long-term relationship. Now -- once AGAIN -- I'll be single and alone at Christmas. I'm trying to keep a good perspective. Do you have any advice?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: It's natural to grieve the loss of that particular dream, and there are obviously a lot of moving pieces to a situation like yours. Still, you can move on and thrive. I would suggest that you work on maximizing your "now" while you anticipate your "later." Here are three keys to doing that.

First, use this season to better prepare yourself. If you want to marry a mature, wise person with good character -- be a mature, wise person with good character.

Second, remember that community is critically important. "Single" should not mean "isolated." Stay connected to your family and friends, while plugging in to your local church and social groups at work. Great relationships have to be cultivated through effort and time. For example, rather than just being alone at Christmas, seek others who are "solo" (for whatever reason) and organize a celebration.

Finally -- whatever you do, don't just sit around and wait for life to begin. Get involved wherever you can. As a single you have opportunities that you wouldn't have if you were married with children. Reach out to others.

Here's the bottom line: If you're single, you don't have to feel like you're alone in the bleachers watching real life happen on the field without you. Work on living a rich, full and meaningful life while you wait for that certain someone you want to build a future with. You do that by maximizing your "now" while you anticipate your "later."

Along those lines, Focus on the Family has a great outreach addressing single life from a faith-based perspective; see Boundless.org.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: My marriage fell apart this past year. It's been a bitter divorce and very painful for my two children. They're angry. All three of us are dreading the possibility that their dad might ask at the last minute that they spend part of their Christmas break with him. What can I do?

Jim: I grew up in a broken home myself before being orphaned. So, I can attest that divorce doesn't just tear couples apart. It can drive a wedge between parents and children as well. And there's often plenty of anger to go around, which impacts all concerned.

Let me share a few ideas from our counselors. First, give your children space and encouragement to express their hurt. Don't try to correct them -- just provide a listening ear. If they're not comfortable speaking to you, help them find other outlets for their emotions, like art, journaling or music.

The second idea could be the most important: Try to model genuine forgiveness toward your ex-spouse. I know -- easier said than done. But if you're communicating anger, your behavior could be reinforcing every negative thought in your children's minds. So, try to articulate a tone about the absent parent that will smooth the waters between your kids and ex-spouse -- especially if they have to see him at Christmas -- instead of stirring things up even more. If you must voice negative feelings about the divorce, express them to someone else, not the children -- for their sake.

Finally, it might be advisable to find a third party -- preferably a qualified therapist or pastor -- who can help your kids work through their feelings. Our staff counselors can offer specific insight in this area; call them at 855-771-HELP (855-771-4357) for a free consultation. Or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com to find a vetted therapist in your area.

Q: My children are addicted to screens. We've tried "tech resets" that always deteriorate into fits and the kids fighting with each other. How can I bring peace to our home and get my kids to do other things besides staring at screens?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a common and frustrating issue. Modern tech is designed to bring us back repeatedly for more; Dr. Peter Whybrow, Director of Neuroscience at UCLA, describes video games and screens as "electronic cocaine." In that light, you can see why kids will show withdrawal behaviors similar to a person coming off drugs.

I recommend four quick (but admittedly challenging) steps to help your kids break free from the grip of screens and bring peace back into your home:

-- Go cold turkey for a couple of weeks. Kids may throw tantrums and act like dysregulated drug addicts for a few days, but power through it. It might take a week or two to get past that very difficult "freaking out" stage -- but well worth it.

-- Establish clear and consistent boundaries. With no set limits, kids will likely keep pushing until you give up again out of exhaustion. Utilize parental control settings to regulate screen time.

-- Have screen-free times in your household -- like riding in the car, eating meals together, spending time with friends, a set cutoff before bedtime or even one full evening a week.

-- Find alternatives. Have the kids help develop a menu of possible activities to do instead of using screens. Celebrate successful milestones together as a family.

When it comes to screens, developing a home that is relational and balanced takes planning and work ... and you won't always get it perfect. Have patience and grace as you work toward freedom. Remember, your goal is not your kids' happiness -- it's their healthy growth and development.

For helpful content specific to your children's life stage, visit MyKidsAge.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.