DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Frannie," and I are both professionals, married to men who are complete opposites. My husband, "Grady," is a blue-collar guy who never attended college. He has many wonderful qualities, but lacks self-esteem. He has a good, stable job and is more "street smart" than "book smart."

Frannie's husband, "Austin," has a graduate degree and a professional career. He is also a "know-it-all" who loves to flaunt his knowledge to everyone, especially to Grady. This makes my husband feel insecure and makes it difficult for us to be around Austin and Frannie.

I have told my sister how we feel. She says I need to talk to Austin about it. If I do, it will cause a huge argument. I just wish Austin could be a little less boastful and a bit more humble. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? -- FRANNIE'S KID SIS

DEAR KID SIS: Before I offer any, has it occurred to you that Austin may be even more insecure than your husband, and your sister is a wimp? It is not your "job" to teach her husband social behavior -- that's what a loving wife does when her husband does something obnoxious. And Austin's behavior falls into that category.

Perhaps, if you point this out to Grady, it will help him feel less insecure around his windbag of a brother-in-law. Educated people who feel good about themselves do not have to show others how smart they are. In fact, they are so adept at sharing their knowledge that they can converse with anyone on any level without the person feeling talked down to.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think of marriages where the husband and wife merely tolerate each other and have little emotional connection? In our situation, my wife seems to accept that our marriage "just is," but I feel that marriage should offer more.

I would press for a divorce except for the fear of making matters worse. In this case, no children are involved. It's doubtful that counseling would change a thing. Do we just stick it out after 25 years of marriage? -- LOVELESS IN GEORGIA

DEAR LOVELESS: Marriages in which the spouses "merely tolerate each other with little emotional connection" are called marriages of convenience. I'm sad to say they are not uncommon. Some couples who have drifted apart have been able to reconnect through a program called Retrouvaille, which began in 1977 in Canada. Although it is Catholic in origin and orientation, it is open to all married couples regardless of their religion.

I have mentioned Retrouvaille in my column before. It consists of a weekend, plus a series of 12 presentations that take place over the following three months. The program is run by three married couples and a priest. The "team couples," all of whom have experienced disillusionment, pain and anger in their own marriages, share their personal struggles, reconciliation and healing.

Before you decide whether to continue living in an emotional desert or chuck the marriage entirely, ask your wife to attend a Retrouvaille weekend with you. It might be the spark you need to get your relationship going again, and it has worked for many other couples. For information on programs in your area, call toll-free 1-800-470-2230 or visit www.retrouvaille.org.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with a hypochondriac? My brothers and I lost our dear mother to cancer when we were in our teens. Daddy has recently been diagnosed with a pernicious form of melanoma, which has a low survival rate.

Our father has been married to his second wife, "Doris," for 20 years. Doris is a textbook hypochondriac. She denies it, of course, and insists that her health is bad. So bad, in fact, that she didn't see the irony of telling my sister-in-law, who was undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma, that "no one understands what it's like to live with a chronic condition." Doris was referring to her allergies!

Now Daddy is battling cancer. He and Doris came to visit his three children and multiple grandchildren. Doris talked about her head cold the entire visit, and our time with Daddy was cut short because she needed to be driven back to the hotel. (No one else could detect her symptoms.)

I'm sure Doris loves my father, and after 20 years of marriage, they're certainly used to each other. But now that Daddy is facing death, I'm having trouble supporting Doris' emotional needs because her hypochondria is so irritating. Still, Dad wouldn't want us to abandon his second wife, despite her psychosomatic quirks. What do you suggest? -- NEEDS HELP UP NORTH

DEAR NEEDS HELP: You can try talking Doris out of her hypochondria until you're blue in the face, but it will only make her try harder to convince you that she's sick -- so stop trying. Instead, every time you see her, tell her she looks TERRIBLE; you've never seen her look worse. It's what she's "dying" to hear, and she'll love you for it!

DEAR ABBY: My women friends have all known each other more than 25 years. One of our group, "Dottie," (age 76) was a very astute businesswoman when she worked with us years ago before we all retired.

About three years ago, Dottie began behaving oddly. She couldn't remember what she ordered at lunch in a restaurant and lied to us about bizarre things. (She claimed her doctor made a house call in the middle of the night and gave her an IV.) She also became argumentative. Recently she has withdrawn from our group dates.

Now she no longer answers her phone and, on the rare occasion that one of us has gotten hold of her and offered to come over, she refused to answer the door.

Dottie is quite wealthy. She likes to drink at her neighborhood bar every night, and once when one of us called, we heard a man in the background saying, "That's enough. Hang up now," which she did.

We're concerned because Dottie has no family, and there's no one to contact. We're worried about her. What options do we have? Is there anyone we can contact in order to help her? -- WORRIED IN NEW YORK

DEAR WORRIED: Because Dottie appears to have become not only forgetful and delusional but also reclusive, you have reason to be worried. While her entertaining a male guest -- or having a boyfriend -- is a good sign, when that person takes over her life and isolates her, that's another cause for concern.

Because Dottie has no family, contact your nearest Area Agency on Aging (it's listed in the phone directory) or the Department of Social Services, and tell them what's going on. A social worker should be able to determine if your friend is in trouble, and get her the help she needs if she is.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Hounded in British Columbia" (May 22) asked you how to discourage religious solicitors. What many people may not realize is that once you accept a piece of literature or have a long conversation with the person, that person will note your name and address so they can "return visit" you. Then not only will you be visited by others in their religion, but the person who gave you the literature will start calling on you regularly, hoping to engage you in future religious conversations and Bible study.

The most effective way to discourage these visits is to politely state you're not interested as quickly as possible. Do not take any literature or engage in any discussion if you don't want them to return. You should also tell them to note on their "territory card" that you want no more calls at your house in the future. This can be done kindly and with a smile. -- DOOR KNOCKER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DOOR KNOCKER: Thank you for the inside information. Requesting that you be placed on the "No Call" list seems simple enough and can be done politely. The solicitors are supposed to honor the request of those who ask not to be called on anymore. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was faithful going door-to-door representing my church. And I agree that people have to be firm with someone who is truly hounding them. These solicitors believe they are doing the will of God and are taught that they may be "persecuted" for their faith. Some are chastised for not doing enough "soul searching," as they call it.

I can no longer stand going door-to-door, but people who do it deserve respect and a straightforward answer. -- FORMER RELIGIOUS SOLICITOR

DEAR FORMER RELIGIOUS SOLICITOR: Then it's clear to you how offended some people become when some solicitors won't take "no" for an answer. Many readers offered solutions to handling the intrusion -- including humor. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I share my method? As soon as I heard the words "Jehovah's Witness," I simply said, "I'm sorry, but I didn't see the accident," and closed my door. -- AMY IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR ABBY: I told the solicitors I would gladly listen to everything they had to say for 50 minutes, and I charge only $40. Cash, please. As first they were confused, but I explained that this is what my time is worth. They not only went away, they never returned. -- JUDY IN NEVADA

DEAR ABBY: We hung this sign on our front door, "We love our vacuum, we've found God, and we gave at the office!" This worked for us. -- LESLIE IN THE WEST

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine had a unique solution to dissuade religious visitors from dropping by. She told them she was a practicing witch. She said they couldn't leave fast enough. -- CINDY IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I got those unwelcome visitors every few weeks. We told them politely we weren't interested, but they kept returning. One day, the bell rang as I was getting out of the shower. I answered the door wearing only a towel, stepped back, spread my arms and did my best imitation of Bob Barker, "COME ONNN INNN!"

They jumped back and beat a hasty retreat. When my wife came home she said it was an awful thing to do ... but we were never bothered again. -- UNREPENTANT IN RIDGECREST, CALIF.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)