DEAR ABBY: I have been married 14 years and have two children. The first three years of marriage were great. We both cared for and respected each other. As our children grew older and our jobs have become more demanding, my husband has changed about how he views our sex life.

After our third year of marriage, my husband started raping me. No one knows this except an ex-sister-in-law.

At first, I didn't understand what was really happening. He was forceful and wouldn't take no for an answer. I went along with it at first, thinking I wasn't giving him enough attention and was doing the "wifely duty." But over the years it has become worse -- ripping my clothing off and holding me down.

I have told him it's not OK, but if I speak up, it leads to a fight. He says I don't show him I care for him and we don't have sex enough, so this is his way of getting it.

Abby, I have lost respect for the man I married. I no longer want to be intimate with him, because he doesn't respect me or my body. The only reason I have stayed this long is for my children. Is there hope in him changing? -- SLEEPING ON THE COUCH

DEAR SLEEPING ON THE COUCH: Ripping a spouse's clothing off and holding her (or him) down is not foreplay; it is spousal rape and a form of domestic abuse. It is a crime in all 50 states. The level of hostility in your home isn't healthy for you or your children, who may grow up thinking it is normal.

Because your husband may become violent if you tell him the marriage is over, contact RAINN -- (800) 656-4673; rainn.org -- and let them help you form a safe escape plan. It is not normal for a man to treat a woman the way your husband has. He is unlikely to change, and you need to look out for yourself and the children.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is in her 30s. She's a beautiful woman and a wonderful mother to our three children, and my soul mate. We've been married 10 years. She has many qualities I love and admire, but also one that causes me serious concern: her slouchy posture. She slouched a little when we married, but her posture has worsened dramatically since then.

We have spent thousands of dollars on personal trainers, massage and chiropractic. When we (infrequently) quarrel, she unconsciously slouches more, which drives me crazy. She's willing to see professional medical practitioners, but is unwilling to accept any responsibility for it. I can't bring it up without her getting bristly and defensive, but it's getting worse every year. It's also taking a toll on our relationship. I'd appreciate any advice you could share. -- DESPERATE FOR STRAIGHT TALK

DEAR DESPERATE: If your wife's posture is the only thing about her that causes you "serious concern," you are a lucky man. Believe me when I tell you I have been told far worse.

Correcting one's posture takes constant vigilance and determination. It's not easy, and not everyone is able to manage it. Slouching is a defensive posture, and if she slouches even more when you raise the subject, it may have something to do with the way you're doing it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman who has finally met a kind, decent man after many abusive relationships. I honor our bond and have been open about my past, which has been colorful, to say the least.

I was an addict. It was a long addiction that left me homeless and almost killed me many times. I have kept this part of my life a secret from everyone out of shame and fear of judgment. I would love to be open about it with him and let him know how much drugs affected me, but I don't want to drive him away. Any advice is appreciated. -- EX-ADDICT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR EX-ADDICT: In one sentence you say you have been open about your past; in the next you say you are keeping your addiction and what it cost you a secret. You don't say how long you have known this man, or whether you plan to make this relationship permanent. If you do, you should tell him about your entire past because, if he finds out some other way, that is what could cause him to end the relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my family. I am a woman in my 60s who does not and never has driven a car or any other vehicle. My older sister and brother think I have leprosy because I don't drive. How can I, or anyone in the same position as I am, get through to them that not everyone drives, and that those of us who don't or can't are like anyone else on this planet? -- NOT BEHIND THE WHEEL

DEAR NOT BEHIND THE WHEEL: Please clip this and share it with your sister and brother. Not everyone drives or aspires to. Some people are phobic about getting behind the wheel. Others recognize they are not good at it, while still others can't afford a car. Unless you have been imposing upon your relatives for transportation, they should not be critical of your choice.

My late mother was a nondriver. She quit after skidding into the back of a coal truck during a Wisconsin winter. I'll never forget it because it left me with a scar on my knee when it hit the air-conditioning vent. Viewed from my perspective, she made the right choice, and so have you. It's a wise person who knows their limitations.

DEAR ABBY: This may seem minor in the scheme of things, but it's driving me crazy. Occasionally we have a potluck day at work. The problem is, while there are always people who eat, others never bring food to share. It's usually the men in our office -- those who hold higher positions and make far more money than the rest of us. They are also the ones who eat the most. They go back for seconds before the rest of us have eaten. If they do occasionally bring anything, it's usually a bag of chips.

I'm tired of paying for their lunches when they are more than capable of providing something -- takeout from a deli or even asking their wives to help. I'm also tired of going to get my lunch and discovering most of the food is already gone. I would welcome your advice or any tips your readers may have. -- FED UP IN DES MOINES

DEAR FED UP: Try this: Assign a list of what people need to bring to the potluck so there won't be duplication. And when you do, specify that only those who participate can eat the food.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a disabled middle-aged woman, married for 15 years. From the beginning, there was never much passion between my husband and me, but we're friends. I'm now becoming less able to go out and do things, and I will eventually be wheelchair-bound. I want to leave him so he can find someone who is able to do things with him.

I actually did it at one point. I moved into a cheap mobile home, but he sold the house and followed me. He's a loving husband, but he is messy. I exhaust myself picking up after him, and two months after moving into another house, the entire garage and basement cannot be walked through.

I really think what I want is to live alone in a simple, clean apartment. He -- and others -- tell me I need him and I'm nuts to live alone on Social Security when I could stay in this nice house. I'm just so tired all the time, and cleaning up after him is torture physically. Should I stay or should I go? -- EXHAUSTED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR EXHAUSTED: Although you didn't say it directly, your messy husband may be a hoarder. If that's the case, whether you stay or live elsewhere may depend upon his getting help for it -- not to mention getting the garage and basement cleared out.

Obviously, your husband loves you or he wouldn't have followed you when you moved into the mobile home. Do not divorce him because you feel guilty about not being well. He may need you as much as you need him. If picking up after him is too tiring, then it may be time to get someone in periodically to clean.

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away last year after a six-year struggle with Alzheimer's. It was a long and heartbreaking time for me. I have two sons, but they don't live close. I see them and their families only a few times a year. I have pretty much been alone since my husband's diagnosis. I have friends -- all couples -- but going out with them isn't comfortable. It's a very lonely life.

I recently met a nice man who is divorced with no children. He has asked me to dinner. My problem is that he is 20 years younger. He says age doesn't matter to him, but I don't want to look like an old fool. (I'm 84.) We communicate by phone or email. I have not told anyone about this.

We have so much in common -- we like the same foods, same kind of music and other things. I have always taken care of myself, and no one can believe my age. I'm not looking for marriage, but it would be nice to have someone to have dinner with, and good conversation. I love to play golf, and so does he. Am I being foolish? -- LONG TIME LONELY

DEAR LONG TIME LONELY: No. Unless you have a "sell by" date stamped on your forehead, you should not preoccupy yourself with the difference in your ages. You say you aren't looking for marriage, so why not have an enjoyable time and see if a relationship evolves? You will have a happier life once you stop worrying about what other people may -- or may not -- think. It's called living your life.