DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I have lived together off and on for three years. We met at a lesbian bar in Los Angeles, and it was love at first sight for me.

I suspect she has been seeing another woman. She has changed her dress style and even her cologne. When I confront her, begging her to tell me if she's been cheating, she laughs it off. We don't communicate well anymore, and she's sleeping in another room now.

I have cared for her for so long. We were going to be married. Now I feel she doesn't love me anymore. I have tried following her, but she disappears and sometimes doesn't come home for days. I haven't slept or eaten in weeks.

I love her so much. If she doesn't come back to me, I've had thoughts of suicide. I can't afford a shrink. I hope you can help. -- FREAKED OUT & CLUELESS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FREAKED OUT: What's happening is painful, but you don't need a "shrink" to help you figure this out. People who love each other -- or even care about each other's feelings -- do not treat each other the way you are being treated. That your girlfriend has been seeing someone else is entirely possible. And whether she laughs it off or not, it isn't funny.

I know it's hard, but someone who acts the way she has isn't worth killing yourself over. It may be scary, but it's time for the two of you to separate. If you need emotional support, have friends with you when you tell her. And if you need more support than they can give, contact the nearest gay and lesbian center for counseling because they will be able to help you. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has gotten herself into more debt than she earns in a year. She finally confessed to me that she can make only the minimum payments on her credit cards.

She has asked me for help, but she refuses to allow me to monitor her progress paying off her debts. I have refused to help her get out of the hole she has dug for herself unless I have access to her credit card statements. She had the gall to be upset with my request. I no longer trust her to manage her spending. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- NEEDS ACCESS IN TEXAS

DEAR NEEDS ACCESS: No, you are not wrong. Your wife has a serious problem and is refusing to take the "medicine" that's required to fix it. I'm not sure what kind of help she expects from you, unless it's money to bail her out of her situation.

Some people shop for the "thrill"; others do it to cope with depression. I have mentioned an organization, Debtors Anonymous, in my column before. It's for individuals who are unable to control their spending. The website is debtorsanonymous.org, and you should look into it. However, if your wife continues to refuse to allow her spending to be monitored, for the sake of your own financial future, you should consult an attorney.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call Rose who likes to brag about how cheap she is. Sometimes when we're talking, she will interrupt me and ask, "How do you like my pants? I got them for a dollar at a yard sale." Or she'll say, "I got them for free."

Rose likes to draw attention to herself every time she wears something new by asking how I like it. Then she will tell me where she got it and how much it cost. I couldn't be less interested, and I'm tired of hearing about her tacky, cheap clothes.

We go to a water aerobics class together, and she will interrupt the class to ask how they like her "sexy" bathing suit. Abby, Rose is in her 70s and not sexy. I like her as a friend, but I am about ready to tell her to shut up! I don't want to be mean. How can I get across that I don't want to hear about her clothes? -- TIRED OF THE DISCOUNT FASHION SHOW

DEAR TIRED: If you say nothing, "Second Hand Rose" will continue her line of chatter. Try this: Say, "Rose, honey, you know how much I like you, but I wish you would stop talking about your wardrobe with me. You are interesting on so many other levels, and I'm just not into fashion." Then cross your fingers and hope your friend gets the message.

DEAR ABBY: Our friend's adult daughter has been dating a guy my friend does not approve of for about three years. The daughter moved in with him, and afterward one evening, told my husband and me. We are friends of her mom, but we agreed to say nothing because we didn't want to get in the middle, and it wasn't our news to tell.

The daughter recently told her mother (our friend) that she and the guy are living together and that we knew. Now her mom is no longer talking to us or to her daughter. Is there a way we could have handled it differently? Is there any way I can repair the situation? -- MISSING OUR BESTIE

DEAR MISSING: Your friend's daughter may be an adult chronologically, but she doesn't act like one. She should not have kept her living arrangement from her mother and shouldn't have asked you to keep the secret. Then she compounded it by betraying you.

In hindsight, you should have told the daughter immediately that the way to keep a secret is to tell no one, especially a close friend of her mother's, and encouraged her to level with her mom. And as to how to repair the breach -- all you can do is continue apologizing and hope that eventually your friend's fury will dissipate.

DEAR ABBY: I have a delicate problem with my boss at work. He seems to have a problem with constantly touching his crotch area (scratching, holding or laying a hand on it). I am not sure if it is a nervous thing or a problem. How should I address this without making matters worse for either myself or him? -- SARAH IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SARAH: I wish you had mentioned whether other employees also see him do this. If they do and any of them are male, it might be less embarrassing for your boss if that employee would mention to him that others are noticing. However, if you are the only employee who sees him, then the most tactful way to handle it would be to keep your gaze resolutely above his beltline.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl. I'm a fun person to be with, and I love spending time with my friends and family. But one thing sometimes ruins it. I have a bit of a temper and some anger problems. I'm wondering if you have anything that could help me control my temper and be nicer to people? I get into disagreements with people I care about because of my attitude. Can you give me some guidance? -- TESTY TEEN IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TEEN: If you think you are the only person with anger issues, you are mistaken. We are living in increasingly stressful times that have affected most of us in one way or another.

It takes self-control -- and maturity -- to react calmly instead of spouting off angrily. Before you can deal with your anger problem you need to be able to pinpoint what makes you lose control. The problem with a hair-trigger temper is that those who fly off the handle sometimes shoot themselves in the foot.

While anger is a normal emotion we all experience at one time or another, most people start learning to control it during childhood. Uncontrolled anger is destructive because it drives others away, making it impossible to maintain healthy, successful relationships. The trick is learning to express anger in constructive rather than destructive ways. My booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It" offers suggestions on how to recognize you are angry before you lose control and how to channel it appropriately. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. I hope it will be helpful for you. It takes maturity to identify and verbalize negative emotions rather than lash out at others. Being able to calmly say, "I'm having a bad day today," or, "When you say (or do) that, it makes me angry" will earn you the respect of others. And it is the key to defusing anger before you lose control.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished building my dream home. My dilemma is, now that I have a wonderful home gym, my in-laws want to use it. I feel selfish saying no. But I'm a very private and somewhat introverted person, and I really like my space. I'm afraid if I agree, it may become inconvenient for me when I want to use it. Where do I draw the line?

Am I being selfish? If not, how do I refuse without disrupting the family dynamics? I have a feeling it wouldn't sit well, and so far, I've been coming up with excuses to avoid the situation. Please help. -- RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES

DEAR RUNNING OUT: A tactful solution might be to "remind" your in-laws that you want the gym to be available for your private use when you need it, and suggest some hours or days when there wouldn't be a conflict. And hold a good thought. Interest in working out in gyms is notoriously short-lived, so your problem may disappear in quick time.