DEAR ABBY: When I read the column about the warning signs of an abuser in your archives, I was scared to realize that my older brother is one. He has most of the qualities you pointed out except for the sex stuff.

He just turned 14, and he has just started dating. That got me thinking. If one day he moves in with someone or gets married, how am I going to warn the girl to watch out? I'm being hit, and I have things thrown at me all the time, and I don't want anyone else to experience that. My parents have tried to get him professional help, but it hasn't worked. Please help. -- BRUISED SISTER IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SISTER: I'm glad you wrote. You should not have to tolerate being your brother's punching bag, and your parents should not allow you to be abused. Because your parents are unable to control him and get him the help he clearly needs to control his emotions, tell a counselor at school about the violence you are experiencing. Because he has left bruises, have a friend photograph them. The counselor can inform the proper authorities so he gets the help he apparently needs.

DEAR ABBY: There is a woman in our group who complains constantly about her weight and keeps asking for our reassurance that she's not overweight. She's actually an appropriate size for her height and maybe even a little too thin, but she thinks she is fat.

The rest of us are somewhat overweight and struggle trying to lose, so you can imagine how we feel when she goes on about this. She doesn't hang around with women her size, and she's competitive and insecure in many ways. We all care for her a lot because, other than this, she's a caring and supportive friend. She reads your column, so I'm hoping she'll read this and realize how much it bothers us. -- CHUBBY FRIEND IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CHUBBY: Dream on! Very few people see a letter in my column and realize it is aimed at them. Because your friend's constant need for reassurance makes the rest of you uncomfortable, the person closest to her needs to tell her the subject of weight is now off-limits and why.

The woman may suffer from body dysmorphia, a condition in which the sufferer doesn't perceive her body as it actually is. People with body dysmorphia will see a fat person reflected in the mirror even if they are anorexic. It should also be suggested that the person with whom to discuss her concerns about being too heavy is her doctor.

DEAR ABBY: I faked a secret admirer. It's getting me a lot of attention, but I did it because I wanted to make my crush jealous. He thinks I'm faking, and I'm pretty sure he also thinks I'm needy and selfish. Now I don't know what to do. Can you help? -- SECRETLY LYING IN TEXAS

DEAR SECRETLY LYING: I'll try. When a technique doesn't work, it's time to change course. Quit talking about a secret admirer. If you are asked about him, just say, "It's over" -- which is less embarrassing than, "The jig is up." Why your crush would call you selfish, I can't guess. But if he asks you what happened, my advice is to say, "I like you better." That's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 28-year-old male who has never had a girlfriend or a meaningful relationship. I'm well-educated, nice-looking and have a good sense of humor. But I get shy and nervous around the opposite sex. Compounding that, I seem to have a serious "resting face." People assume I'm frustrated or angry/grumpy when it's just my normal expression. I'm worried it makes me unapproachable or appear to be unpleasant.

I have overcome addiction, attend daily support meetings and have almost a year of sobriety. I avoid bar/club scenes where a lot of people my age socialize. I'm beginning to feel very alone and empty. I asked out a temp at my job, but she had a boyfriend and offered to set me up with a friend of hers. I declined because I was embarrassed.

My friends tell me it's a game of numbers, but it hurts being rejected all the time. I see beautiful, nice women with men who treat them badly, and I obsess over what's wrong with me. My experience with women is limited. I'm not looking for a commitment, just some friends to share good times and laughter with. I'd love to have someone to spend time with before loneliness awakens previous bad habits. -- ABOUT TO GIVE UP IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR ABOUT TO GIVE UP: I doubt your "resting face" is what keeps women away. It's more likely the fact that you are afraid to interact with them.

Start by talking to some of the women in your support meetings. They already know something about you and the strides you have made in overcoming your addiction. And involve yourself in activities you enjoy that are more social. It may help you to develop your "people skills" so you will feel less anxious in other social situations. But do not allow yourself to use the fact that you are lonely to destroy your sobriety because it would be a poor excuse.

DEAR ABBY: I hate eating with my spouse because his table manners are awful. He sits with both elbows on the table, leans close to the dinner plate and uses his fingers to push his food onto his fork. He mashes everything on his plate together before he starts eating, smashes crackers in his soup, scrapes his spoon on the bottom of the bowl and slurps his liquids. He also licks his fingers.

He thinks he can modify these behaviors when he's with others, but he lapses into them even when he's with friends in a restaurant. Please help me. How can I get him to change? Must I tolerate it? I have tried constructive suggestions and gentle prodding with no success. Please respond in your column because he reads it daily -- while he eats. -- DISTRAUGHT SPOUSE IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR DISTRAUGHT SPOUSE: Your husband must have many wonderful qualities if you married him knowing this is the way he consumes his food. Among them is an awareness that he should modify his eating habits when he's with friends. Let him know that you are his best friend and you would like him to practice his "party manners" when he eats with you. If he's reluctant, point out that he "lapses" when he's socializing with others, and it isn't pretty. It may motivate him to try harder.

DEAR ABBY: I gave birth a month ago to a wonderful baby boy. My husband and I originally planned to put him in day care when I go back to work. I carefully researched and eventually found one I was comfortable with. When my mom found out, she said she had assumed she would be watching him, so I eventually told her she could.

My parents watch my sister's young children seven days a week. The children are very ill-behaved due to an absent, immature mother and absent father. I do not want my son subjected to their tantrums and violent behavior, nor do I want him to think that their behavior is acceptable. I love my mom very much, and I feel she deserves time away from children, but more than that, I don't want my baby in that environment. How do I kindly tell her that I've changed my mind? I'm afraid it will hurt her feelings. -- AT A LOSS FOR WORDS

DEAR AT A LOSS: Your mother has been watching those children seven days a week for how long? If she hasn't been able to get them to behave, you are right in thinking things would not be any different with your child. Tell your mother -- firmly -- that you do not want your son to be around his cousins on a daily basis because these are his formative years, and you don't want him to think their behavior is normal. Your thinking is correct, so hold your ground and don't let her talk you out of it.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine, "Gladys," was looking for a home for an old dog. "Breezy" was 12, and his owner had died. Gladys was fostering Breezy until a new home could be found. I told her I'd take him if she couldn't find another good home. She ended up finding one.

Breezy was living with his new owners for about a month when they called to tell Gladys the dog "wasn't feeling well." When she went to check on it, she decided the placement wasn't working out and asked if I would take him. I agreed and told her I would give him a good home.

A couple days later, Gladys called saying the previous owners had taken Breezy to a veterinarian and expected her to pay the vet bill because she had taken the dog back. Now she's expecting me to reimburse her for the $319 vet bill because I have him! I don't think I should be responsible for the bill but offered to pay half. Gladys doesn't agree, and it has turned into a huge fight between friends. Am I responsible for that bill? Please help. -- DOG LOVER

DEAR DOG LOVER: No, you are not responsible. You did your friend a favor by agreeing to take the dog off her hands. The folks who adopted Breezy should be paying the vet bill because they are the ones who incurred it. Further, it was very generous of you to offer to pay half so your "friend" wouldn't be stuck paying the whole thing.

You adopted an old dog. It's likely that there will be more veterinary expenses in the future. I hope you have pet insurance because you may need it.