Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I separated last year and reconciled several months later. When we decided to get back together, he broke it off with his girlfriend. A month later she contacted him to inform him that she's pregnant with his child. She's due in a few months.

My husband and I disagree about how things should be handled when the child arrives. She says I'm not allowed to come to the hospital with him and meet the baby. I say that going without me is absurd, and any child that belongs to my husband is a part of my life, too. However, he says she is in charge of the situation. I'm worried that when the baby is born I'll be at home alone with a broken heart. Where should I draw the line with my husband? -- WORRIED WIFE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WORRIED WIFE: Forgive me if this seems cynical, but is your husband absolutely sure that the baby is his? And, if it is, to what extent does he plan to be involved in the child's life? If he participates in raising him/her, then you are right, his child will become a part of your life. If he decides to do no more than write support checks, the impact on you will be much less.

Frankly, I don't blame you for feeling worried. If a paternity test hasn't proved he's the father of the baby, he should discuss this with a lawyer to insist there be one.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 19, I lost custody of my three children to the state. They were adopted out, and I have had no contact since. Over the years I tried to find them without success. Recently, I found their names and addresses using ancestry.com to search their birth records. My son, the oldest, is 18 now, but his sisters are only 15 and 16.

I want to write a letter to the adoptive mother, let her know my side of the story and offer to open a line of communication for her and the kids. Would that be selfish? What's the right thing to do here?

I was very young and stupid when I lost my children. I'm now in my 30s and much wiser. I have lived with this heartbreak for 15 years. I don't want to disrupt their lives, but I do want them to have my contact information if they would like to have it. I know this situation is delicate. I desperately want to avoid doing the wrong thing. Please advise. -- HEARTBROKEN IN FLORIDA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your instincts are on target. The best way to accomplish what you have in mind would be to write to the adoptive mother and allow her to decide what to do with the information you give her. Most adopted children at some point want to know who their birth parents were, if only so they can get a complete medical history.

DEAR ABBY: I love my mother, but our relationship has been awkward since I came out to her when I was 13. After I told her I was gay, she grew more and more distant. She went into full grandma mode for my sister and her sons and, in my eyes, neglected me.

She was seldom home, and when she was, we would argue about everything. It got so bad that I left and moved in with my aunt, who was like a mom to me. My sister told me she thinks Mom is in denial because every time my sister would want to talk about it, Mom would clam up.

Mom and I have NEVER talked about it. I clearly recall the day I came out. When I told Mom, she said she already knew. Then she added, "It's just a phase."

I'm sad that even after 12 years she still hasn't accepted that this is who I am and who I have always been. It upsets me that she doesn't know all of me. Should I have a sit-down talk with her like the adults we are? -- SAME SON AS ALWAYS

DEAR SAME SON: Only you can make the decision to have that important conversation with your mother. Before you do, I'm advising you to contact an organization called PFLAG. PFLAG helps to build bridges of understanding between families and their LGBTQ members. You can find it by going online to pflag.org. If your concern is that your mother's position may force you to end your relationship with her, prepare in advance by making sure you have a loving support system around you.

DEAR ABBY: I am the caregiver for my 88-year-old mom and 89-year-old dad. It has its challenges. It would help if doctors would provide written instructions, diagnoses and directions rather than rely on me to follow through. I take notes, but my parents hear what they want to hear. Without an actual note from the doctor, they tend to dismiss my notes as "that's not what he/she said." I'm sure I am not the only caregiver with this problem.

Recently, Mama's gynecologist advised her to see a urologist. It took me more than a month to convince her that it was what he said, and now we are looking at a urinary tract infection, which is not a good thing for an older woman.

My parents are not at the point where I can simply kidnap them. I realize doctors don't get paid enough for their time by Medicare, but it sure would help us keep our elders healthy. -- NOTE TAKER IN GEORGIA

DEAR NOTE TAKER: May I offer a suggestion that might prove helpful? When you take your parents for doctors' visits, record what you are told on your cellphone (in notes/memos). That way, you can replay the doctors' words verbatim regarding any diagnoses, instructions, etc. to your parents as necessary.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter and her husband eat in a restaurant, he insists they order the same thing. If he thinks her plate looks better, he switches them. This baffles me. Does this happen to anyone else? What do you think of this? -- BAFFLED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BAFFLED: I think your son-in-law has no consideration for your daughter's feelings, and that people who are greedy and inconsiderate about food are usually the same about other things. (He could also be controlling and/or have OCD.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of two young children.

I decided to have gastric bypass surgery several years ago. Nine months after the procedure, I began drinking alcohol. The drinking became progressively heavier, and within a few months I was a full-blown alcoholic. It's as if I gave up binge eating for binge drinking. It took a year of struggle to stop, with the help of my friends and family, who pushed me to seek inpatient treatment.

I am now almost three months sober. But with sobriety I have lost a lot of the kindness from my support system. Despite my many apologies, some have told me of their disgust for me, and others have cut ties to me completely.

I believe their efforts to encourage me to seek help were driven by the fact I was a drunk mom. They wanted help for me so I could be a fit parent. However, now that I am in recovery, they no longer want to be a part of my life. The shame is real, and so is the loneliness.

I am now at a point where I need to ask: Am I justified to feel insulted by their lack of support and happiness for me now that I'm healthy and being the best mom I can? Or should I accept that I really messed up and be grateful I had help at all? -- SOBER BUT SAD IN IOWA

DEAR SOBER BUT SAD: It would be healthier to keep your eye on the positive and be grateful for the help you were given. It would also be healthier for you to associate with people who make you feel good about yourself, which may not be your family and current friends. In the past I have advised that sometimes it's necessary to build a support network, or "family of choice." And this is what I'm recommending you do.

DEAR ABBY: I turned 17 last month. I have a boyfriend who is 20, but my parents don't know about him yet. He wants to get an apartment and have me move in with him on my 18th birthday. However, I promised my mother and father that I would take care of them. I want him to find an apartment nearby, with the promise that I'll move in with him when I'm ready. How can I do that without disappointing him or hurting my parents' feelings? -- UNDECIDED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNDECIDED: Stop hiding this man from your parents because what you're doing is immature and dishonest. If his feelings for you are sincere, he would want to meet them, and he wouldn't ask you to do anything you weren't ready to do.

While the idea of moving in with him may seem romantic, there are more important things you need to accomplish before you do. First among them is to become self-supporting so you can live independently on your own. That way, if things don't work out with him as you would like, you won't be out on the street with nowhere to go.

Children weren't put on this Earth to spend their adult lives taking care of their parents. Unless yours are the exception, both of them should be young and vigorous enough to take care of each other.