DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Heidi," is 39. She is successful, owns her own business and lives with her boyfriend of five years. I'll call him Rick. They have two beautiful boys, 3 and 18 months. She has decided to tie the knot with Rick with a nice, somewhat big wedding.

As Heidi has gotten older, she has been changing into a different person. She has become self-centered and controlling, and she puts Rick down cruelly at times. I think he's a good guy, but maybe just not for her. I really don't know because I stay out of their lives.

What's making me uncomfortable is, my daughter has told only me that she's doing all this wedding stuff without getting an actual marriage license. I don't even know if Rick is aware. I looked this up and saw that some people are now having what's called "commitment ceremonies." When I tried to talk to her about it, she became defensive, cut me off, and then sent me a long, nasty email. So now I just step back.

When I think of the guests (100 to 150), I feel she should be honest and call it what it is. We are presently not communicating because I won't respond to that kind of email. I won't argue with her. But I don't know where to go at this point. I'm worried about her state of mind. She is supposedly seeing a therapist, and a few weeks back I suggested she and Rick get marriage counseling. I would love to hear your thoughts. -- TRADITIONAL MOM IN THE EAST

DEAR TRADITIONAL MOM: Your daughter is an adult, and if you refuse to have anything to do with this charade, I would understand. When guests are invited to a "wedding," gifts are expected. If it's a production that's only for show, the couple is committing fraud and taking advantage of the generosity of their guests.

When couples marry, they must first take out a marriage license, which BOTH must sign. No license, no marriage. Unless your daughter's boyfriend is completely clueless, she won't be able to slip this by him. Although people do have commitment ceremonies these days, guests should be told that is what they will be witnessing, and both partners should agree on it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 years. It has been a pretty good marriage. I have tolerated a few of his family members' rudeness to me, although I have no problem speaking up when I need to, and my husband always defends me as well.

My father-in-law recently passed, and I adored him. For his wake, my two sisters-in-law made a slide show of his life with hundreds of family photos. There was not one single photo of my father-in-law and me. I feel it was the final straw. I have no more room in my heart and life for them. Am I being too sensitive? My husband hasn't spoken to them since the funeral. I really need your advice on this. -- PICTURING IT OVER IN TEXAS

DEAR PICTURING IT: I'm glad you asked. Please accept my sympathy for the loss of someone so close to your heart. But as close as you felt to him, your sisters-in-law had just lost their father. I'm sure they were (and are) grieving and didn't use his death as an opportunity to slight you. I sincerely hope you and your husband won't allow their oversight to cause a permanent rift in the family.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a friend, "George," who rents our upstairs. Our home is large, and the second floor has all the amenities of a 2,500-square-foot house. He has his separate entrance and never has to come through our living space.

In the beginning, I agreed to the arrangement because he was going through a divorce and needed a place to live. Now, for the past several months, his ex has been spending nights upstairs. We just celebrated the holidays, and his family was here together.

I'm feeling very confused and uncomfortable having them both up there. Now that George seems to have worked through his marital problems, I feel it's time he moves out. My husband doesn't understand why I feel this way and can't understand why I want my house back! Please give me some insight on how to handle this. Or am I overreacting? Please tell me I'm not being selfish. -- BEING USED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR BEING USED: You are not selfish, and you're not overreacting. Refresh your husband's memory about how the arrangement began. It was a safe refuge for a friend going through a traumatic life change. Those circumstances no longer apply, and if you are not comfortable with George entertaining his ex under your roof, it is understandable. Communal living is not for everyone.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my husband booked me and our infant son on a trip to visit some of his family in California. I didn't want to go in the first place because I was, and still am, struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety and stress in our relationship.

I had one request: Do not put me and our infant son in the head-of-the-household's car. My husband's father drives recklessly and shows no regard for human life. Well, of course my husband didn't speak up about it, and we ended up in Mr. Reckless' car. Now I look like "the difficult wife" because I'd rather catch a rideshare or fly back home. Am I being dramatic or overly concerned with safety? -- SAFE OR SORRY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR SAFE OR SORRY: Overly concerned? It's your job to be concerned with safety. Because your husband failed to speak up didn't mean that you shouldn't have.

As a mother, you are responsible for your baby's safety. You should have expressed that if you and your little one -- in a child seat, I presume -- couldn't travel in someone else's vehicle, you would be taking other transportation. In the future, when visiting your in-laws, this is what you should do.

DEAR ABBY: Today was warm, so my friend and I went for a walk with my dog at a neighborhood park. We decided to rest on a park bench that was shaded by trees. A man was sitting there, and I asked if he would mind if we shared the bench with him. The man said he was waiting for a personal call. I told him we wouldn't listen and sat down. The man stood up and said angrily that we should have respected the fact he was there first and stalked off! Were we wrong to sit down? -- BAFFLED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BAFFLED: No, you were not wrong. It's a public park. If the man was uncomfortable talking in front of you, he should have taken his phone and talked elsewhere -- which he did.

DEAR ABBY: I have been communicating with this woman that I work with. She is currently seeing a guy she's been with for about four years. We have a clear connection and primal attraction, and have both discussed our feelings with each other. We communicate by texting. There is no communication through phone calls, for obvious reasons. Her man works for the same company but in a different building than we do. It's clear to me that he isn't good enough for her and doesn't know how to elevate himself to her level.

I let her know that if they were to break up, I would want to give it a try, and she said the same. She contacts me when she wants and flirts, but it's always at her convenience and not mine. We have "known" each other for about a year and a half now, and she claims she cares for me. My question to you is, how should I move this situation forward? -- THREE'S A CROWD IN NEW YORK

DEAR CROWD: Try to control your libido and allow me to offer a flash of insight. This woman likes things just the way they are. You may not think her boyfriend is good enough for her and can't "elevate himself to her level," but the woman you have placed on this pedestal is someone who enjoys sneaking behind the back of someone she's been involved with for four years and discusses an exit strategy with a co-worker. Open your eyes. She's not seriously interested in you. She's enjoying a flirtation on her own terms, period. What makes you think you are the only one she does this with?

DEAR ABBY: I have been overweight for half of my life. After many diets, exercises, weight loss and eventually gaining it all back, I'm planning to have gastric sleeve surgery within the next two months, or when my surgeon can place me on his schedule.

I have gone through all of the required office visits with my doctor, but haven't yet made a final decision because I'm so nervous about it. I have not mentioned this to my adult children or my parents. My parents are elderly and probably would hate it and worry, so I don't want them to know. As for my children, they probably won't like it either.

The surgery will mean I'll lose 60 to 70 pounds. Should I say something or wait until it becomes obvious? I'm a private person, and I absolutely don't want any negative or snarky remarks from neighbors or my church family.

Am I being ridiculous, selfish or silly? If I don't tell, how will I explain how I lost the weight without spilling my secret? I may tell everyone later on, but not right now. -- GOT A SECRET IN THE SOUTH

DEAR GOT A SECRET: Wanting to be your best and healthiest self isn't ridiculous, selfish or silly. If you need surgical intervention to conquer your weight issues and your doctors agree, there is no reason to be defensive about it. Attempting to hide a 70-pound weight loss would be like trying to smuggle dawn past a rooster.

As you pointed out, your weight loss will become obvious. When you are asked about it, all you need to say is that now that your weight problem is in the past, you prefer not discussing it, so please don't bring it up again. You may encounter fewer raised eyebrows if, once your doctors allow it, you start doing some walking so you can be seen by others adopting a healthier lifestyle. If you do, people may assume it's the reason you are thinner.