Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am a 57-year-old married man. I share a house with my wife and daughter. After dinner last month, my wife and I had a big fight. I can't believe the things we said. In 30 years, it has never gone that far.

I left the house and went to a bar. A slightly older man sat down next to me, and we talked for a long time, about the Beatles, hockey, science, evolution and the universe. Conversation just flowed.

I decided to tell him about the fight with my wife. He told me he lived in the building and had a vintage vinyl collection. If I wanted, we could go up and listen to some records. I said yes. We had a few drinks, listened to some great music and talked some more. He was so smart and so cool.

Then I caught myself looking at him with more than just admiration for his intellect, if you know what I mean. It scared me. I didn't know what to do, so I apologized and excused myself, hastily and rudely, I'm sure.

I don't know if he had any intentions other than listening to old records. He didn't say, and I didn't stick around long enough to find out. But I remember that feeling. All day long I remember it.

My wife and I have made up. We both regret the fight. But, Abby, I think about him every day. I've considered going back and knocking on his door, but I can't. I never imagined I'd feel this way at my age. What can I do? -- TWISTED UP IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TWISTED UP: I'll be frank. Sexuality is not necessarily black and white; there are shades of gray. You met this person at a time when you were emotionally vulnerable. The best thing you can do for your marriage would be to talk about this with a licensed mental health professional. The most destructive thing you could do for your marriage would be to knock on that person's door at this time.

DEAR ABBY: My father has always been very careful with money, paying credit cards in full and living within his means. He recently retired with his house paid off and enough savings to maintain a middle-class life for him and my stepmother.

Last month, my sister confided to me that my stepmother, "Lynda," has racked up $100,000 in credit card debt, mostly from online shopping. She hasn't worked for many years due to health reasons, so she has no way to pay the bills on her own. Everyone in the family knows about this and is hiding it from my father.

I feel Dad has a right to know, as interest charges over time will only make the situation worse. If he finds out sooner rather than later, he will be in a better position to pay the debt. If necessary, he could return to work, at least part time.

However, I'm afraid that both my and my father's relationship with my stepmother will be jeopardized if I tell him the truth. He has a history of not being able to control his temper. While it caused marital problems in the past, he currently has a loving relationship with Lynda.

They recently returned from a cruise, and all I could think about was whether they should have been spending money on a vacation. I'm afraid they could eventually lose their house and the means to support themselves if I don't speak up. What should I do? -- NERVOUS IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR NERVOUS: Rather than aid and abet your father's wife by hiding her (shopping) addiction, your family should have informed your father before the debt reached such large proportions. What you should do is speak up! Let him know you are worried because it doesn't take a crystal ball to see there is serious trouble on the horizon that will only grow worse if something isn't done immediately.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than a decade. We're nearly 30 now. We are happy not being married, and we both agreed early in our relationship that we would not have kids.

All of a sudden, my boyfriend has decided he wants children. I said maybe in the future, but he feels we're running out of time. I still don't want kids, and it's for selfish reasons. I enjoy traveling, having time to myself and just the two of us, peace and quiet, being able to do what I want when I want without having to worry about kids. Is that so wrong? Where do we go from here? -- AT ODDS IN MONTANA

DEAR AT ODDS: After 10-plus years, "the future" has arrived. It appears you and your boyfriend have reached a large fork in the road. From here you either go your separate ways or agree to relationship counseling to see if there may be a way to bridge this gap.

DEAR ABBY: For the last 25 years, we have gone on several weekend getaways with another couple. They are now suggesting a one-week vacation together. The issue is, they constantly either talk to or text their children while we are with them. They call to tell them the weather, where we're eating, get updates on their various sporting events, etc.

We also have children and grandchildren, but we wait until we return home to reconnect and hear about their weekend and tell about ours. We love our kids, but we don't need to be constantly connected.

Except for us, this couple's entire social life appears to revolve around their children's lives, and it is pretty much all they talk about. We're not sure we can tolerate this for an entire week. We don't want to lose these friends, but don't know how to decline a week of this. Please advise. -- VACATION FROM THE VACATION

DEAR VACATION: Constantly texting and calling in the presence of others is rude. Because you are hesitant to call them on it, try this: Unless they know you take weeklong vacations with other friends, tell them you prefer shorter visits with other couples. In their case, it's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received an email from the grade school-aged son of a close friend, which included a link requesting funding to support his school sports program. My friend told me to expect such an email.

I'm not certain how to respond, as I always encouraged my children to communicate face-to-face when soliciting funds for their school programs, but that was years ago, and I realize this is a new era. It just seems so impersonal to ask for money electronically, especially when I barely know the young man. Are my expectations wrong? How would you handle this? -- CHECK'S IN THE E-MAIL

DEAR CHECK'S IN: Despite how the request was made, if you want to support the program, do so. If not, then don't. Personally, I would ignore the email, and if I was asked about it, I would politely decline.

DEAR ABBY: My son is engaged to a young woman I'll call Carla. They are currently living with my husband and me to save money and pay off bills. They fight often. Because of this, my husband and I were not excited when they flippantly announced their engagement and also flippantly announced their wedding date recently. I just said, "That's nice" or "congratulations."

I know this is not my relationship, and they are adults, but should I explain why we cannot get excited about it? I don't dislike Carla, and I would be truly OK if they could make each other happy most of the time. But because of their arguing and unresolved issues, I do not have confidence in their relationship.

I think they may ask us for money to help with wedding expenses, and unfortunately, I feel it would be throwing money away. How awful is that? I don't want to create hard feelings if they can make this work. Advice? --- UNENTHUSED MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MOM: If you are asked to chip in for the wedding expenses, consider making it conditional. Tell your son and Carla that you are deeply concerned because of the amount of fighting you see they do, and if they will agree to premarital counseling, you will be glad to help them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 60s and have two grown sons. We work full time and are financially secure.

The conundrum: We have one grandchild who will soon turn 1. I asked my daughter-in-law for gift ideas because I know she already has more than enough clothes and toys. My daughter-in-law promptly responded that they will soon be needing a new car seat, and that she'd also like a nice running stroller.

They both have good jobs. They can easily afford such items. Now I feel that if we don't produce one of these as a gift, she'll think we're cheap, but honestly, I don't consider such things to be gifts for the baby, simply items parents should be responsible for if they can afford them. I really would like to get our grandbaby something unique that will withstand the test of time. Now I wish I hadn't asked! -- REGRETFUL INQUIRING GRANDMA

DEAR REGRETFUL: You may wish you hadn't asked, but you did. While you're not obligated to give the gifts your daughter-in-law asked for, in the interest of family harmony, it would be a good idea to give her one of the necessities she requested. And in the future, don't ask!

DEAR ABBY: In my work, the department I'm responsible for has employees working in various locations throughout the U.S. I want to have an annual picnic at my home to show appreciation to my team. The problem is, I do not have the budget to pay for travel for employees who work in remote offices. Should I not invite these remote employees? Should I invite them but inform them that their travel won't be reimbursed, or just not have the picnic at all? -- NOT ENOUGH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR NOT ENOUGH: Rather than invite workers from all over the country to a celebration you know they won't be able to attend, consider having a small gathering at your home for the locals. Send gift cards for the favorite restaurants of the employees in distant locations. It would be thoughtful and generous and would cost far less than subsidizing travel expenses.