Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My ex-fiance decided to leave our relationship and our 10-month-old son, "Nicky," about a month ago. He sees Nicky regularly and is a good father. I know our relationship is over and that it's not going to be fixed. To be honest, when he left, I was relieved.

The other day, I suggested to my ex that maybe once a month we take our son out together to do something, like go to the park or the zoo. My reasoning is that Nicky needs to know that even though his mom and dad are no longer together, we can still get along. His response was he didn't think it was a good idea. He doesn't want our son to get the wrong impression. I just said "OK" and left it alone.

Is he right? Would it confuse our son, or is he being selfish? It seems unrealistic to me that we will never do anything together. My son is my No. 1 priority, and I just want to handle it the best that I can for him. Please help me. -- CONFUSED IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.

DEAR CONFUSED: Your ex may have said what he did because he doesn't understand that you have accepted that the romance is really over. Don't accuse him of being selfish. Be patient. In the future, Nicky will understand that, although Mom and Dad are not together, they get along, if you truly DO get along. As Nicky grows older, there will be events such as birthdays, sporting events, graduations, etc., you will probably wind up enjoying together -- or eventually with significant others or spouses included.

DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old granddaughter has lived for the past several years in an environment with adults who have done drugs, can't or won't keep a job and are in and out of jail. I want her to have a better life, and I try to explain what a responsible adult life looks like. But when I do, she accuses me of being judgmental and nonaccepting because these people are "nice." How can I get her to understand that the lifestyle she's exposed to isn't good without coming off as judgmental? -- AT A LOSS FOR WORDS

DEAR AT A LOSS: The lessons we teach others don't always have to be verbal. One way would be to expose your granddaughter -- as often as possible -- to people who have chosen a different way of life and are reaping the rewards for it. Perhaps then she will begin to draw her own conclusions and realize that she can have a different life if she's willing to work toward it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old dancer, and I recently had a recital. The mothers came backstage to help their children change in the dressing rooms.

A girl my age who has two lesbian mothers was near me while I changed. It made me feel self-conscious. I'm normally not like this, but it felt awkward, to say the least. I'm not against same-sex couples, but it felt weird. Am I overreacting? -- MIDWEST DANCER

DEAR MIDWEST DANCER: I think so. Those two mothers were more interested in what was going on with their daughter than with you. If you plan to become a professional dancer -- or part of any branch of the performing arts -- you will be changing costumes under all kinds of conditions. This means you will be around straight males and females, gay people of both genders and, occasionally, trans people. It's a fact of life because separate dressing rooms may not be available.

DEAR ABBY: My niece on my husband's side was engaged to be married two years ago. There was a bridal shower, and everyone gave gifts or gift cards. Two weeks after the shower, the wedding was canceled because of the groom-to-be's infidelities. The shower gifts and gift cards were never returned nor was anyone reimbursed.

The same niece is getting married to someone else now. Another shower is being given for her. Everyone on her side of the family is invited. Are we required to give gifts again? Can we attend the shower and not give a gift? Should we all just not attend? Please help. -- ALREADY GAVE ONCE

DEAR ALREADY GAVE: Any unopened gifts from the first shower should have been returned to the givers. Because they weren't, you are not "obligated" to give the bride another gift. However, if you plan to attend this shower, in my opinion, you should not go empty-handed.

DEAR ABBY: Last week, I was in my college's cafe, minding my own business and studying for a test. I looked toward a group of guys that hang out there and made eye contact with a guy friend I've known since preschool. He made his way to my table, sat down and we started talking about classes and whatnot. Suddenly, he changed the subject and asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no, and he blurted out that he's in love with me! He said he has loved me for a very long time, that I am perfect in his eyes, and that I'm too harsh and doubt myself. Then he said he wants me to give him a chance.

The thing is, I don't like him that way and never have. He's not the type of guy I'm attracted to. How do I go about rejecting him without losing him as a friend? -- FRIEND ZONE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR FRIEND ZONE: Tell him the truth -- that you like him, too, but only as a friend, and hope he will find someone soon who can reciprocate his romantic feelings. He may not like the message, but he will respect you for your honesty and for not wasting his time.

DEAR ABBY: I have many older friends, and when we go out for lunch or dinner, all they talk about is their aches and pains and other medical stuff. I will always be their friend and support them, but sometimes it's such a downer, they even get depressed listening to each other.

What's the best way to change the conversation to happy subjects while being sensitive at the same time? -- HAPPY SUBJECTS ONLY

DEAR HAPPY: Older people sometimes dwell on their aches, pains and other medical stuff because they have little else to occupy their minds. If you are sensitive, you will listen sympathetically for a period of time, then propose you all change the subject to something more upbeat -- and suggest something.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to a wonderful, beautiful woman when we were much younger. We got married because of an unplanned pregnancy. After some years, we both had grown in different directions, and we divorced. We remained friends even after I remarried.

I'm now in the early stages of my second divorce because I am lonely in a marriage where there's no communication or intimacy. I have tried working things out; my wife isn't interested, so I have given up trying. We no longer have a physical bond, but I refuse to lower myself to cheat to fulfill my needs.

I find myself drawn to my first wife, and I know she feels the same. While I'd like to see how life as a single guy of 55-plus would be, I also want to date my ex. We have a child together, and we have more in common now than before. Can a second time around really work? Or should I first play the field once I am divorced? -- WORKING BACKWARD IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR WORKING BACKWARD: Because you didn't mention whether your first wife also remarried, I will assume that she didn't.

If you wish to date her -- and the feelings are mutual -- there should be nothing stopping you. However, your idea of playing the field before committing again is wise. I have said before, and I'll repeat it for you: If you and your first wife decide to remarry, it would be a good idea to get premarital counseling together to ensure that all the issues that drove you apart the first time have been resolved.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 20 years. He is now on vacation in Thailand with his best buddy (without me again) for the third time in as many years.

After doing some research, I have discovered that this place is a major sex tourism destination also known as "Sodom on the Sea." My husband says he stays away from all the hanky-panky and goes there only for the beach, the food, the culture and "guy time" with his best friend. My girlfriends all tell me I am foolish and naive. Am I? -- SUSPICIOUS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I have my opinion, but not knowing your husband, I'm hesitant to accuse him of being an adulterer. However, you know him pretty well by now. (I assume that having researched your husband's chosen vacation spot, you have seen your doctor to be checked for STDs.) My questions to you would be -- in your heart of hearts -- what do you think? And if you agree with your girlfriends, what are you prepared to do about it?

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, my wife and I decided we would help each other write our obituaries. I know this may seem macabre, but when she died a few years ago, after 48 years of marriage, it was less stressful to just fill in the date and age. What do you think? -- PRACTICAL UPSTATE NEW YORKER

DEAR PRACTICAL: I think that if it worked for you, other readers might consider it. Many people wonder what will be said of them after they're gone. This way, they can add or delete as they wish.