DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m going to start with a quick rundown of my dating history for context. I never bothered dating in high school, thinking that those sorts of relationships wouldn’t last and weren’t worth it. Once I got to college though, I…didn’t get much further. I saw relationships everywhere that looked miserable and seemed to end over very petty things. It was all very dramatic. I saw demanding women and inattentive selfish guys getting together constantly and I envied them. I kept thinking that if I had the chance, I would definitely be a better boyfriend and also would probably be wiser at choosing a girlfriend than some of these guys. Instead, regrettably, I became a Nice Guy; a strategy that as you can imagine, didn’t work at all.

When I eventually started dating during my first year of grad school, I decided that the best way to avoid getting trapped in the kind of miserable relationships I’d seen was to design a sort of committed friends with benefits model that in practice ended up with me getting sex and armchair psychotherapy and with her getting… to be quite honest, bad sex and not much else. I got my heart smashed 4 months into this bad experiment and yeah, I royally screwed this up because I didn’t even know what a relationship was much less how to hack them to avoid the problems I saw.

Still I was optimistic that I could do better. I’m 28 now and over the past years I’ve dated a bit in short bursts which never ended up developing into anything you could call a relationship. It just became really clear early on that these arrangements wouldn’t work out which I honestly didn’t take too hard.

The thing that has put new terror into me around the prospect of a serious long term relationship is something that happened to my best friend. He’s a trans guy which obviously comes with its own snags, but he is one of the strongest, most resilient, most emotionally intelligent people I know. He spent 3 years in what ended up being a very verbally abusive relationship with his girlfriend and spent the following 3 years depressed and trying to mend himself from the aftermath. He’s doing great now, but if I were unlucky enough to end up in that kind of situation, I think I would be a lot worse at handling it. I don’t think I would have the insight to see it for what it is or the boundaries to stand up for myself/leave the way he did. He did everything right and still had to piece himself together after. This terrifies me.

Relationships on the whole seem dangerous for me to get into at my skill level even though I’m kinda old. I really would like to be in a healthy committed relationship but I don’t have enough faith in myself or humanity to risk getting hurt or hurting someone else because I don’t know what I’m doing.

How do I gain the skills I need when the world is this scary?

Signed 

Courage the Cowardly Man

DEAR COURAGE THE COWARDLY MAN: I understand your fears, CCM. It’s understandable to be a little gun-shy after what you’ve gone through and what you’ve seen. But what you’re actually asking me for is a way to date without taking any risks whatsoever. And unfortunately, there’s no such beast. Dating is a full-contact sport. You take the precautions you can to make it safer (emotionally and physically), but at the end of the day, you’re making yourself vulnerable. That means you’re going to run the risk of getting hurt. Sometimes you’ll get hurt because of the mistakes you make, other times you’ll get hurt because there’re assholes out there and assholes are gonna ass. Still other times, you’re going to get hurt and it’s not going to be anybody’s fault; sometimes things just don’t work out and while it’s a damn shame, it’s just the way things are.

So if you want to date, you have to do so with the knowledge that you’re at risk. But, risk doesn’t mean guarantee of injury. Skiing, for example, is potentially dangerous, but I’ve been skiing for years and I’ve never injured more than my pride. My friends, on the other hand, have broken bones and twisted ligaments. And you take precautions to minimize the chance of injury or trauma. Developing and maintaining strong boundaries, for example help keep toxic partners away and help keep your relationships healthy. Being sure to avoid emotionally over-investing in people early on in the relationship helps keep you from getting hurt needlessly and getting comfortable the potential of rejection makes sure that you don’t get stuck in The Friend Zone or start becoming a Nice Guy.

But none of this helps if you don’t actually, y’know. Put yourself out there. You can read all the books, watch all the videos and listen to all the podcasts you want, but none of them are going to do the work for you. The only way to build up the skills you need is to actually put those skills to use. You’re gonna have to grind out some experience if you want to level up, CCM.

You have to confront your fears dude. Otherwise, they’ll only grow and take even more control of your life. Avoiding the things you’re afraid of just makes you more afraid of them until you are avoiding even the potential of feeling fear. The longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to face them and overcome them.

If you want to date, if you want to find a relationship, then you have to embrace that risk. You have to be comfortable with the possibility that things aren’t going to work out and you might get hurt. After all, every relationship ends eventually, until one doesn’t. But while pain may be somewhat inevitable, suffering is optional. Things may suck, but they won’t suck as bad as you think and not forever. You can get back up again..

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First of all, I would just like to say you are doing a tremendous service here. I’m in my early 40’s and frankly I really wish you would’ve been around when I was in high school. I get the basic premise of what your telling everyone – suck it up & be a ‘man’ while showing people of the opposite sex respect.

To keep this simple, I’m going to bullet point my story for you.

– Shy, awkward nerdy kid in high school that didn’t take any chances but was actually in the ‘cool group’ of people.

– When I was 19, my best friend whose friendship prevented me from committing suicide my junior year of high school died suddenly. Because of this I was messed up for a good 3 or 4 years and never really let anyone in.

– In my early 20’s I started dating – for the 1st time. After dates with only 5 women, I met a great girl, we hit it off, and within 6 months she moved in and a few months later she was wearing my ring. She was, and still is the only woman I was ever intimate with – heck, my only kiss.

– About 9 years after we were engaged – she said that she liked the relationship the way it was – the reason she didn’t want to be married was her dad was a jerk to her mom, and she never wanted to be “tied down that way”. I’ll admit, from a financial perspective I was a bit more conservative then she wanted to be – but I tried to work on that and give her the space she deserved. At that point, I decided that I loved her more than anything and if that’s what would make her happy then I would deal with it. I really wanted to be married to her though.

– It was around this point our sex life started to drop off dramatically. I made excuses to myself like ‘this is what happens to married couples’ and crap like that. Frankly I had put on some weight, was having some performance issue but I could tell she wasn’t enjoying it which frankly made me want it less. Since I didn’t yet know of your blog I didn’t know better to just open my mouth and talk to her about it like a man.

– So, fast forward to a few months ago when she suddenly dies of an unknown health issue. As I was getting into her e-mail and phone to get photos for her funeral service, just hours after she died I found out that she had been cheating on me for the past 5 years. Ironically starting exactly at the time she didn’t want to get married anymore. Her entire “second life” on Craigslist, work associates, random guys in hotels when she was traveling, etc. was documented. Six different e-mail accounts with well over 10,000 inbound and outbound messages. Thousands of text messages, naked photos of her, naked photos of other men. Graphic stuff about what they did to each other that I’m not sure I could ever do to a woman… but she never remotely asked for me to do anything like this with her. She never deleted her browsing history on Google – her porn habits were so appalling that I get sick just thinking about watching porn anymore. I stopped reading the messages when it got to over two dozen different guys she hooked up with.

My therapist considers it a textbook sex & porn addiction. It was about the secret for her – that’s what got her off. Pretty sure that I could have been endowed like a porn star and I couldn’t compete with that adrenaline rush she had from those encounters.

So it takes me to now. It’s been a few months, I’ve lost over 60 pounds (I have a goal of another 150) and I’m totally lost without her. Until I lose ½ that remaining weight I’m going to have a hard time finding anyone that will give me a shot. I get it – it may be shallow but I don’t want to date a slob that sits on the couch eating junk food either. I’m trying to find new hobbies and define ‘me’ but it’s really tough to meet new people in your 40’s. Literally everyone I know is married with kids, so it’s not nearly as easy to ‘get out’ on your own if you don’t want to sit at the end of a bar every night.

Yup you don’t need to tell me, all these things are excuses. I’m trying though, honest.

I know I’m not ready yet – but do I feel the desire to get back out there, just like any guy that broke up with his girlfriend or got divorced. I know I need to stop being the drinking buddy of Grimes and get my life together. How in the hell do I move on from this? Do I list my relationship status as ‘single’, ‘divorced’ or ‘widowed’ on my Match profile? Everyone has baggage, but how do you even bring this up – I know ‘handle thy own s

t’ – but some disclosure of this is probably necessary pretty early in a relationship – but when? My partner lived more in the last five years of her life and did more exciting things

– I will never cheat on someone (I had plenty of opportunities myself but never thought about it seriously) but how do I even “live” like she did? Should I try to pretend that I’m in my 20’s again before moving on? I’ve learned that life can be pretty damn short.

Sincerely, 

The Longest Story Writer Ever

DEAR LONGEST STORY WRITER EVER: I’m so sorry you went through all of this LSWE. Your relationship was hard enough without suddenly losing your wife (fiancee? your letter isn’t terribly clear about whether you actually got married)… and then discovering her secret life is like losing her a second time. Suddenly, you’re forced to reconsider literally everything about your marriage and what you knew about her. It’s like discovering that the person you thought you were with never even existed in the first place, and what does this say about you and your relationship. Was any of it real? Were there any signs? Were you just so blind?

The first thing to recognize is that this was never about you. This was all her damage, and would likely have happened whether she was with you, Brad Pitt or Studly Goodnight. You didn’t see the signs because you had no reason to; you had every reason to believe that she was being honest with you and acting in good faith when she said that she loved you or that she was happy. Could you have done things differently? Of course you could have; hindsight is 20/20 after all. But you were working with the information and the beliefs you had then; there’s no point in trying to relitigate the past with what you know now. The only thing you can do is try to heal and move forward.

But here’s the thing: there’s moving forward and then there’s forcing yourself out there when you’re not ready yet. My dude, you were with her for nearly a decade or longer. That’s not something you’re going to get over in a few months. Not after a sudden death and definitely not after everything you’ve just learned. The end of a long-term relationship always has a period of adjustment; you’ve built your life around being with that person and now they’re no longer there. In a very real way, it’s like you’ve lost a limb. Now you have to have to re-learn how to do everything again without them and that’s going to take time. You have to break the habits of years and get into a new and different groove. Trying to get back out there now isn’t just a mistake, it’s trying to run when you’re still working on crawling again. You’ll get there but right now you need to focus on you and your healing.

And that’s before we take your discovery into the equation. Even though this had nothing to do with you – again, this was all about her – it’s still going to take time to process this and recover from it. You’ve been hit with a serious one-two punch from a heavyweight, my dude. You don’t need to worry about what to do with your baggage in future relationships because you’re still trying to figure out what your baggage actually is. This isn’t baggage yet, this is still clothes and detritus spread all over what’s left of your life.

So stop worrying about how you’re going to disclose this to future partners; that’s for much later. Right now it’s just a distraction. Quit worrying about how you’re going to “live” like she did. You’re not in any competition. You don’t need to “match” her, nor is the way she conducted her sex life even right for you. You need to live in the way that’s right for you; if that means being a serial monogamist or being able to count the number of sexual partners you’ve had on the fingers of one hand then that’s what’s right for you.

You are still neck deep in the healing process. You are not anywhere near ready to date yet or to even think about it. What you need to do is focus on you right now. You’re in recovery and emotional rehab. You need to put all of your attention on your physical and emotional health and rebuilding your life.

The good news is that you’re doing everything right. You’re working out, you’re talking with a therapist and you’re processing the hell out of your feels. That’s good. You need to do that for a while. Once you’ve started to get back in good working order – not perfect shape but functional – then you’ll be in a much better place to know how to proceed. You’ll have a better grasp on what happened and what your story was and will be going forward. You’ll feel more comfortable in how to label yourself, in how much to share, when and with whom. That time is not now. But you’ll get there.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have long struggled to connect with others in a meaningful way. I do have plenty of friends and people who like me, but I’ve always longed for something else, and I never knew why. I am married, good job, etc, and I still have felt alone. I do indeed have issues with depression, but it’s more than that.

After a year of therapy, I finally realized, with the help of my doctor, that I’m on the very high functioning end of the autism spectrum, and everything makes sense now. I’ve always longed not to feel differently from everyone, I’ve become very anxious when emotionally overwhelmed, and I do a lot of the things that people say spectrum folks do, even down to the obsession with trains stereotype.

Anyway, not asking for help with depression really. And unlike many who write in, my life externally is fine.

The problem is that suddenly so much of my behavior makes sense and makes me upset when I think about it. (I should note, in 2018, I am not at all talking about abuse or anything of the sort, before speculation occurs.)

I spent so much time aping the people around me out of a desperate desire to be accepted. Everyone always told me not to care what others thought, but I always felt so alone that just not caring didn’t feel like an option. I know now that I did much of this because the utter inscrutability of subtle human emotions was just a genetic (or whatever) quirk rather than a character flaw like I always thought.

Because I always went to class, did my homework, did well on tests, no one ever really noticed I struggled internally, so no one, not even my family, picked up on it (or maybe my family has the same stuff going on so I seemed the same).I did a lot of little things that looking back made people uncomfortable (women, sure, but men too), like standing too close, talking a little too loud, not really being very good at the right level of eye contact. Whenever I was told I was annoying someone (which happened a lot), I was ashamed and apologized immediately. Eventually, I learned I can fake it. I do well in job interviews, and I’m actually a teacher (to adults), and a good one. I’m getting a terminal degree. I am loved

Yet I can’t stop thinking about how I spent decades thinking I was an annoying boy that a lot of people didn’t like because there was something wrong with me when I was just wired a little different and that that was okay.

I will continue to work this out in my sessions and my sessions will help me figure this out for the future. But how do I reframe my past, really my entire past since about second grade? With this new news, I think of it as a time when I could have known I was just a little different and come to terms with it but instead was teased and shunned by many, spent far too much time with people who didn’t treat me well because I wanted their acceptance, and have only just recently come to a point where I like myself.

I just sort of feel like I was robbed of the chance to grow up feeling happy. I’m not dead yet, I’ve got some decades left, but that’s a lot of time I wish I could get back. Any thoughts as to how I can reframe my past?

Wasted Years

DEAR WASTED YEARS: This is a topic that comes up a lot for folks, WY: you’ve had X many years where there was this important piece of the puzzle missing from your life. Now that you’ve found that missing piece, you’re looking back at your life and thinking “My God, look at all these missed opportunities! Look at these things I never got to do because I was missing this piece! Look at all these mysteries that now make sense! What I could’ve done if I’d just known this sooner!”

That missing piece is going to vary for everyone. For some people it’s a critical diagnosis of a chronic condition – they’re just now learning that they had a health issue that nobody recognized at first. For some, it’s a revelation: this relationship was toxic or abusive and it’s affected how they see themselves or interact with others. For still more people it’s learning how to socialize or meet people more effectively; now they’ve improved themselves, they’re finally able to date the way they always wanted to.

For me, one of my missing pieces was finally being diagnosed with depression. When I accepted that diagnosis – which took some time, because people still don’t always take mental health issues seriously – I was able to look back on so much my life with new eyes. Suddenly so much of how I lived, behaved and felt made sense. I’d pushed people away, isolated myself and limited myself because of a condition that I’d had. It wasn’t just that I wasn’t trying hard enough or that I didn’t have the mental fortitude to push through, it was that there was a neurological problem that needed medical intervention before I started getting things under control.

At first, it was liberating: Oh my God, for the first time in my life, I actually have self-worth! I don’t feel completely hopeless! The world isn’t just one giant gray haze that apparently only affects me. I can actually do things instead of wondering what the point of it was! But hard on the heels of that revelation was OH MY GOD, look at everything I missed out on because of this! Look at how many chances I had to do things, to meet people, to have friends, to have a life. I could have been happy. I could have enjoyed being alive.

And y’know, at first, I really resented it. I resented the fact that it took this long for me to get an answer as to why I was so different and why life sucked for me in ways that it didn’t seem to for other people. I resented the frustration of knowing that I was living a life of privilege and yet still felt like ten pounds of ass in a five pound bag. I was bitter about how long it took to get an answer, longer to get a treatment and even longer to get through it all.

So many wasted years. So many missed opportunities. So much wasted potential.

But here’s the thing: I can’t do anything about any of that. I don’t have a flux capacitor, I don’t have a TARDIS, a Time Turner or anything else. I can’t go back in time and change things, and even if I could… well, that would change who I am now, and I like who I am now. But what I can change is how I interpret my past. Yeah, it would have been great if I could’ve gotten this sorted out earlier, but you know what? I still got there. I got my missing piece. I got my answer. I got that x-factor that made so much of my life finally make sense to me. And in reframing it from “look at what I missed out on” to “hey, I finally got my answer”, I was able to find acceptance. Because I may not be able to change my past, but I can take that answer, that missing piece and change my present. I can change my future. 

That’s where you are now, WY. Yeah, there was a long, long time where you felt like an alien or an outsider. You had so much in your life that didn’t make sense and you didn’t know why. You felt like you were always doing something wrong, like you were just screwing up something that came so naturally to everyone else. But now you know: it was just this quirk of who you are. Nobody realized it, nobody knew about it but it was always there. And now that you know: it all makes sense. You know more about yourself than you did before. You understand yourself in ways you never could before. Like wizards of old, you have discovered it’s True Name and now you have power over it.

And it sucks that you can’t go and give yourself that knowledge when you were younger. But you have that answer now. That knowledge and understanding can scratch that itch of “why was I so different, why was everything so difficult.” It’s like getting the last bit of music that finally gets that song out of your head. And you’re able to take that knowledge and reshape your life now and in the future. You have the power to take control of things more fully and more completely and direct your life in the ways you want it to go. You may have missed chances to be happy when you were younger, but you can have it now.

Your past isn’t what you wish it could be. But your present and future can be. Reframe your past: you were working from incomplete information. Now you’ve got that information. You got that missing piece of the puzzle. And now you can move forward the way you always wish you could have.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First of all I’d like to thank you for the amazing job you do, it’s certainly helped me a great deal in the past. I used to struggle to make any meaningful friends (sorta kinda got through high-school and most of uni with a lot of acquaintances and one very good friend). Now though, thanks in no small part to you, people keep telling me they feel like they’ve known me for years when in fact it’s been weeks or months. I guess that’s a good thing – or it means I’m so catastrophically boring that time spent with me seem reeeeeeeeaaally long. I’ve convinced myself of the former, and I’m pretty happy with where I’m at, and constantly working to improve.

On to the question – I moved to a new city recently (from one side of the world to the other), and was facing the scariest thing anyone with nerd(ish) tendencies can face: rebuild a social life from scratch, without knowing a soul in the place you’re going to. I got lucky and am working with an astonishing group of people. It really feels like I am going to see friends every day I go to work. Even after almost a year, I can’t believe my luck. However, work is still work and I really wanted to build up something not connected to work. So I did the second most scariest thing that someone with my disposition can do: signed up for dance classes, and then forced myself to go.

The dance I chose was Swing, and I’m ever so glad that I did because it’s been amazing. The thing is, I signed up to meet people and make friends. I most certainly didn’t want to be the dude who hits on everyone at dance class. However, as it turns out there are quite a few amazing women in class and at workshops and at socials. And once you’ve gotten to the point of being able to ask them for a dance, talking to them really isn’t a big deal so dancing has been a huge help in that regard.

On one hand maybe one day I’d like to date someone I meet at a social, workshop, class etc. On the other, I still don’t want to be that guy… Rejection doesn’t bother me much beyond a slight twinge of disappointment, but I go dancing three or four times a week and I’d really rather not have every potential dance partner in the room go “oh great, wonder who he’s gonna hit on this time?” whenever I show up to the social. When I ask someone to dance, it’s because I’d like to dance and not because I have some ulterior motive. I worry a bit that if I get a reputation like that, it’ll make everyone who dances with me uncomfortable, and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

So… advice? Is it socially acceptable to ask someone whom you’ve met dancing a few times and clicked with on a date? Or ist it a big no no?

Thanks for your help, and keep up the amazing work! 

To Date or Not to Date

DEAR TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE: First of all TDoNtD: congratulations on the work you’ve put in and the life you’ve built for yourself. That takes a lot of courage and dedication, and you should be proud of what you’ve achieved.

So let’s talk about how to meet women within your social circle without being a creep. Now the good news is that you’ve already taken the correct first step: you’re going to swing class to learn how to dance, not just to get laid. You’re meeting people, learning some interesting new skills and becoming a cooler, more social person in the process. That’s great… and that’s also what makes you different from someone who’s just there to try to bang his way through the attendance record.

See, the thing that people dread at events like these isn’t someone who joins the group and maybe asks somebody out if there happens to be some chemistry. They’re worried about the guy who treats swing class like a “target rich environment” and who’s going to hit on people relentlessly. The guy who’s been around and integrated himself into the scene, gotten to know the social “rules” of that particular group and generally merged in seamlessly is going to be seen differently than the guy who cruises around like a horny shark that tries to take a bite out of anyone who looks vaguely tasty.

Let’s say that you’re dancing with someone. They make you laugh, you think they’re pretty alright themselves and you two get along like a house on fire. You’re interested in seeing if maybe there’s a bit more there, so you ask them out on a date. Maybe they say yes and hey, awesome. Maybe they say no and you say “OK, no problem” and continue treating them like you had before. That’s not going to get you a reputation for hitting on people relentlessly.

But let’s say you’re there on your first day and you hit on someone you’re dancing with. They turn you down and now you’re trying your luck again with another person that same night. Or even the next night. Every time you show up, you’re asking somebody out for drinks, for dinner, for ten minutes of squishy noises in the back seat of your car. That is going to get you a reputation as someone who’s just there to get laid and you’ll run out of dance partners very quickly.

So relax, TDoNtD. You’re going about this the right way. If you’ve got chemistry with someone then feel free to ask them out and take any potential rejection with grace. Otherwise, just enjoy dancing and meeting people. Don’t treat it like a sex ATM and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I started dating in my early twenties and in that time I learned a lot about who I gel with and who to stay the hell away from. However one thing that I noticed was a common theme:

I kept dating people I wasn’t really attracted to.

I felt that I had to “learn and practice” dating with people I didn’t have much interest and that I had to be “good” at it before going for who I really wanted to date. Mostly because whenever I meet someone I’m really attracted to, I always screw it up, get oneitis, self-sabotage, and don’t know how to fix it. It feels like the universe conspires to make sure I don’t get what I want and that I don’t deserve it (which is confusing because it’s not like I’m asking for much or anyways. Just someone who is into books, deep conversations, and is on the nerdier and curvier side of physical looks. I really don’t care if someone is “hot” or “smokin” in the looks department). I think those are fair standards right?

I see my types all over the place so “scarcity” shouldn’t be an issue. If I mess up I can just try again. But the problem is that everything feels out of reach for me and that I have to settle for people I am not attracted to (despite having interests in common for friendship which is nice, but I am looking for something more than just friends.) I never have these problems with people I’m not attracted to, but I’ll have sex with them anyways to get my sexual needs met, and then I feel bad for not giving them my full undivided interest and attention when it comes to dating and then I eventually just fade things off.

Is finding sexual partners I want really just a never ending mirage?

Lowered Expectations

DEAR LOWERED EXPECTATIONS: I love it when people ask me questions that can be answered in one word: No.

Wait, you probably want more than that, huh?

Here’s your issue in a nutshell, LE: you don’t believe you deserve to date someone you’re attracted to. All of the setbacks you describe: self-sabotage, Oneitis, etc? That’s not the universe conspiring against you, LE, that’s you kneecapping yourself. You believe at some level that because you aren’t worthy of dating someone you’re actually attracted to, that you’re going to inevitably get hurt, so instead you blow your chances before they even start; after all, can’t get hurt if you never have a shot in the first place, right?

This also leads to the people you are dating. You feel as though you’re unworthy of the people you’re actually interested in, so you pursue folks who are “safe”; you know that you don’t care about them that much, so there’s no real emotional risk for you. You get your itch scratched with minimal investment on your end; thus, when things fall apart, it’s no great loss to you.

But, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, there a few problems with this outlook. The first is simple: you may be getting laid, but it sure as hell ain’t satisfying. In fact, I suspect that sex with your recent parters feels more like masturbation. Hell, it’s possibly not actually as worthwhile as masturbation; at least that’s sex with someone you love. And I imagine you have noticed that being with these partners – the ones you’re not attracted to – feels almost lonelier than actually being by yourself.

And then there’s the fact that this is pretty damn cruel to the people who have emotionally invested in you. After all, they deserve to have a partner who’s actually into them, just as much as they’re into you, no?

You need to start believing in your own worth, LE. You said it yourself: it’s not as though the people you’re into are an especially rare resource or thin on the ground.  You’re well aware that, should things not work out, there will be other chances for you out there. The thing isn’t that these people are out of your reach, it’s that you won’t let yourself try. It’s not even that you’re making the attempt and failing; you’ve already decided that you’ve failed before you’ve even started.

If you want to actually start dating people you’re into, then you need to take them off the pedestal and – more importantly – stop letting your fears and self-limiting beliefs hold you back.

To quote Oscar Wilde: shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you’ll still be among the stars.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My question my seem silly – a few people I’ve talked to certainly told me as much — but I really need some advice here and I figured you may be more objective than friends and family.

A few background info – I am a 30 years-old man that has never been in a relationship before. However, a little more than a year ago, after putting in practice a lot of your tips, I met an amazing woman (let’s call her V) and we’ve immediately clicked. We’ve been dating seriously for a year now and things have been going swimmingly – except for one big problem.

See, V has recently started talking about moving in with me. This make sense, since I’m was planning to moving to a larger apartment anyway next year. However, I have a cat, and V is allergic. In light of this, I was willing to live separately for a while until I don’t have a cat anymore (a terrible prospect I don’t want to think about, but know is inevitable). However, my cat is 10 years old and healthy, and thus he could easily live another decade (fingers crossed). V has made it clear that she isn’t willing to wait that long, and that she wasn’t interested in having a “local long-distance relationship,” as she calls it. She also made it clear that, while she puts up with allergy medication when she visits me, she would not take pills everyday just to live in her own home. So, while she hasn’t outright said it (yet), I’m getting the feeling that what she is telling me is: it’s her or the cat.

The thing is, and I know that makes me a bad boyfriend, if I had to choose right now, I’d choose the cat. I love V, a lot, she is smart and fearless, she makes me laugh, and makes me feel more confident in myself than I’ve ever been. But not only do I also love my cat a lot, I am also responsible for him – when I adopted him as a kitten, I signed up for the long haul. Abandoning him now, after a decade, for someone I met a year ago just makes me feel like a pile of human garbage, no matter how amazing V is. I know he is “just a cat,” as some of my friends and family members have put it, but he is in many ways my baby. (I should also probably note that I’ve lived with cats all my life, but this is the first one I have raised all by myself.)

So what should I do, Doctor? I don’t want to have to choose between my cat and my girlfriend, because each option makes me sick with guilt. Is there a way I can have my cake and eat it too? And if there isn’t, then what should I do?

Sincerely,

Crazy Cat Guy

DEAR CRAZY CAT GUY: This is an easy choice, CCG: pick your cat. This doesn’t make you a bad boyfriend, it makes you a good and responsible pet owner.

Here’s the thing: when you chose your cat – and he chose you – you didn’t buy a toy. You didn’t get some electronic gewgaw that can be tossed aside once you get bored of it. You made a commitment to a living breathing creature who loves you. You are, quite literally, his whole life. And to be perfectly blunt: F

K those people who think “it’s just a cat”. He’s not “just” a cat, he’s family and someone who loves and trusts you. Throwing that aside isn’t just irresponsible, it’s cruel.

Here’s another thing: V knew you had a cat when you started dating. This isn’t something you suddenly sprung on her, nor is it a change you made in the middle of dating her. Your cat has been there for as long as she’s known you. She went into this relationship, allergies and all, knowing that you had a beloved pet. If she went into this relationship thinking that your having a cat was just going to be a temporary thing or something that she could change… well, that’s on her. And if she is the kind of person who’s going to make you choose between your cat and her, then well, you’ll sure miss her.

Because let’s be real here, CCG: anyone who’s worth moving in with would NOT ask you to make that choice in the first place. Someone who’d ask a partner to get rid of a beloved member of their family for him or her is someone who needs to be kicked to the curb alongside this week’s garbage and good goddamn riddance.

(Also: “local long distance relationship”? Or, as the rest of us call it: dating?)

And frankly? Your cat was there first.

I’m sure V’s great, CCG… but it’s pretty clear she’s not right for you. You’re a cat parent. That’s part of who you are. You want someone who loves all of you, not just part of you and thinks the rest is something that can be callously discarded.

Pick the cat, CCG. He’s part of your life… and you’re all of his.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)