DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a man in my mid-thirties whose dating life is in a coma. I know what I want: a long-term relationship with a woman who will eventually (after 2-3 years maybe) want to start a family with me, but I’m open to less long-term stuff before that happens. Anything to get the ball rolling. I haven’t gone out on a date in 6 months and I’m not meeting anyone new.

There are reasons why that is: main reason is that dating hasn’t been my focus at all for the past three years. I’ve had a bout with mental illness and depression. (All my life I had been suffering from extreme downs, melancholia, OCD and I was increasingly delusional. It grew out of hand three years ago and that was when I was hospitalized and diagnosed.) I therefore felt the need to move back to my home city to be closer to my family. It took quite some time but I can say now that, thanks to the proper medication and the support of my loved ones, I’m finally functioning normally and in fact feeling “better than ever”. So I’m at least glad to have won that battle.

But things are different: I still don’t put a lot of effort in dressing well, having a nice and neat apartment, or even having a healthy lifestyle (cooking for myself, exercising. I mostly just eat out – and am now somewhat overweight, to my dismay.) When I’m not “falling off the wagon”, I take baby steps and try to improve those areas. I was and am still working on myself, and since my illness try to have a simple routine to tackle life. I’m content with my steady, yet interesting job, and my healthy and close (I think) relationship with my immediate family. 

And now, I want to resurrect my dating life. I know less people here than in the city I lived in previously (for over a decade), therefore I need to work on my networking. I enjoy dancing, so I’m taking some lessons and hoping to make friends there. Also, I’ve just subscribed to an online dating site. So I’m expecting things to pick up, provided of course I do my share of the work, overcoming approach anxiety… etc. And I do have a certain amount of self-limiting beliefs that I need to change. 

I think I have a deeper problem though – forming healthy long-lasting relationships with women. Throughout my life, I’ve only had two girlfriends that I wanted to keep long-term. The others, I just didn’t think were “good enough” for me. In retrospect, I wish I had given some of these other women a chance, but at least I can say life has taught me a lesson or two there. I was reading what you wrote about learning from the movie Don Jon, and I suppose I have been very superficial in my romantic “targets” over the years and quite the ego-centric. Throughout my life, I have felt incredibly lonely, and have (except for a 4-year relationship) practically always been single. The fact that I had undiagnosed mental problems probably didn’t help my love-life either.

I have in the past undergone therapy, for years even… I don’t think it did much good, except with the last person. Right now, for financial reasons and also because I am feeling better, I’m not consulting anyone. Yet I do continue to feel lonely, and that leads me to think I am a co-dependent person.

I think that pretty much sums it up. I would really love to have your advice: whether I’m on the right path, or am I overlooking something completely?

Thank you so much for your help.

Ill Communicator

DEAR ILL COMMUNICATOR: Hey Ill C, there’s not really much I can say here except congratulations on the progress you’ve made and that you should be incredibly proud of yourself. Hell, I’m proud of you.

You’re doing everything right. You’ve faced down your mental illnesses and got help – I can tell you from experience that it can be incredibly difficult just to admit that you need help, never mind actually getting it. You’ve fought your way through the worst of it and now you’re on the mend and putting your life back together. That takes a lot of courage and mental fortitude and it says a lot about your strength that you were able to accomplish all of this. You’re also playing it smart when it comes to trying to bring your dating life back on line and by the sounds of it, you’ve got the right mental outlook on life. Just be sure to take things slow and easy; jumping in with both feet is good way for anyone to end up demoralizing themselves, even if they hadn’t had to put everything on hold.

I will say – again, speaking from experience – that working on your lifestyle, especially healthy eating and exercise will do wonders for your outlook and mental health. Exercise increases blood-flow to the brain and releases endorphins and neurotransmitters like serotonin (a natural mood-lifter) into the bloodstream; this will increase your energy and improve your mood, and it’ll work well in concert with your medications to help with your depression. The simple act of doing something to improve your health will also improve your sense of self-worth. Keeping your apartment clean and neat can also help – I’ve found that the clutter and mess in my place can throw my mood off drastically if I’m not careful about it. Plus, c’mon: eventually you’re going to have some folks you’re going to want to bring back to your place. You don’t want to worry that you’re about to lead them into a pig-sty, right?

It’s understandable that you’re lonely. I think more of us feel that way than people realize. But you are doing the right thing in going out and trying new activities. That’s the best way to find more people in your area. You might also check into local events that meet your interests; there might be an amateur sports league that sounds like fun or even just a book-club.

I would recommend that you continue to talk to somebody. I realize that money can be an option, but there are low-cost or even free options out there for getting help.

To start with, the local colleges in your area may have a free or low-cost clinic for the public. The therapists you would be talking to tend to be post-graduate students working with a trained and licensed mentor who supervises the sessions. Check your local college or university’s psychology department web page for more information; these clinics are more common than you might think. The American Psychological Association has a locator tool to find therapists and clinics in your area – you can reach out to a few of those to see what low-cost options they may have.

There are also online options like MoodGym which focuses on self-directed cognitive behavioral therapy. There are also sites like BetterHelp.com that may be of use; these are free-to-paid and can be useful if there are times when you just need to talk or get some constructive feedback without having them actively trying to problem-solve.

Regardless: you’ve made amazing progress and you’re on the right path. Keep up the good work and check back in to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m starting to believe I’m not actually capable of dating someone and I’m becoming afraid of dying alone.

I was bullied most of my school life, I probably didn’t help myself much at the time but now I realise the experience left me socially isolated/awkward, lacking in confidence and self-belief and believing I had little to offer in life. I’m now 24 and all in all I really cannot complain: I have my health, I’m financially stable and I have the career I always aspired to which offers a fantastic work/life balance. I’ve always been somewhat introverted but I have my friends I see (as and when work schedules allow) I do socialise more now and have become a bit more self-aware and hopefully less awkward. I’m certainly no party animal and I choose not to drink. I prefer to spend my time away from work with outdoor adventure activities, exploring different countries, keeping fit, generally seeking to learn and develop in and out of work and charity/volunteer work.

However, my dating/love life has not had the same success, in fact much the polar opposite. I think this stems from a bad dose of what you’d probably call oneitis I had in school: in hindsight we were opposing ends of the social spectrum so it was an impossibility really. She was perfectly polite and respectful in her rejection but unfortunately once word got around it all fed more ammunition to my childhood tormentors and as is the way in school the majority sided with the socially dominant bullies. This has left me with crippling approach anxiety for fear not so much of the polite ‘No, thank you’ but more the nuclear explosion of abuse and psychological torture that historically followed. So I’ve hit 25 and not managed a meaningful romantic relationship. Not one.

Of the odd, irregular night out I enjoy bars and pubs but clubs are really not my scene. I suppose this limits the number of women I meet but I also think it’s probably better to meet them doing what I enjoy. I have many female colleagues as well (I realise work isn’t necessarily the best or even appropriate time to approach anyone).

My trouble is, if I meet a girl who I find attractive (personality, physically etc) the fear starts brewing. I automatically assume they’re already spoken for, wouldn’t be interested or could do better and I get tongue tied: either I end up saying something stupid or blanking them. Even worse, sometimes I manage a pleasant but platonic conversation when it’s just one-on-one, but cross paths with her with other people present, I panic and blank them. Probably as creepy as it is offensive and I don’t mean to be that way.

I have friends and colleagues who really have made a great effort to help. I regularly hear: “You’re not exactly ugly, impressive physique, you have a great career which involves helping people and you really can say you’ve saved more than one life, you’re passionate about your job and hobbies, well-travelled ambitious, intelligent, honest, well-meaning, pretty funny when you want to be AND you can cook! That’s quite the package to offer”

I go away feeling better about things but as soon as I’m faced with the pretty girl it all crashes back: Nope. I’ve got nothing to offer her. She’s out my league.

I’d love to follow the advice of just ask, nothing to lose, ask straight away before you’ve become over invested in the answer but, being a bit socially awkward, it takes a while for me to become comfortable talking with someone and by then I have overthought everything and convinced myself not to bother. On the incredibly rare occasion I’m seriously thinking of asking I don’t know how to, I can’t work out how to make the conversation more than just platonic chat or professional courtesy. On the even rarer occasion I’ve actually asked (unimpressively, timidly and stammering) it’s always a no. A polite and thoughtfully worded no (mostly) but still a no.

I’ve managed a few (we’re talking less than 5) dates in recent years. None successful. To be honest, none of them have even been enjoyable. She may be very beautiful with a great personality and I may have wanted to see her again but the pressure I seem to put on myself believing that I have to try and act like someone else because they clearly won’t like me just leaves me feeling deflated, defeated and exhausted. They never want to meet a second time. The reality is, I don’t enjoy the process of meeting someone or getting to know them (mainly due to my lack of self belief) but I don’t want to grow up and die alone. Unfortunately, in my work I see this happen scarily regularly and with every partially decomposed body that was only found cos the neighbour hasn’t seen them for a while it hits me every time that I’m possibly seeing my own future.

The internet is full of warped and contradictory “…treat em mean keep em keen…” advice filled with “infallible techniques and pick up mind tricks” and I’m buried under a belief that you need to be a psychological genius to work it out.

I guess my question is what do I do? Where do I start?

Feeling Like Failure

DEAR FEELING LIKE FAILURE: You have a classic issue, FLF, one that a lot of men have: you’re too busy fighting ghosts of the past to live in your present.

I see this a lot in my line of work. Hell, I’ve been through it myself. And it almost always happens the same way: there was some event in high-school – it’s always high-school – that’s convinced you that you’re an unf

kable homunculus, that you’ll never actually be good enough  to be worth someone’s interest and if people realized that you were interested in them, they’d run screaming like all of Hell and half of Hoboken were after them.

And honestly? It’s all bulls

t. It’s all bulls

t and it’s born from bulls

t.

Notice how I said that this always seems to revolve around an incident in high-school? That’s because high-school is when people are at their casually cruellest, for no good goddamn reason. Not out of malice – necessarily, most of the time – or out of a desire to destroy something, but because of the one big secret of high-school: nobody knows what the f

k they’re doing and everyone is terrified by this. High-school is the nadir of most people’s lives. Our bodies are in constant flux as our hormones are surging out of control. We’re dealing with desires and impulses that we don’t know how to handle, but we know they’re so much bigger than we imagined. We’re in this bizarre liminal state where we’re convinced we’re adults, and legally we often are. But we don’t have the knowledge or experience that comes with adulthood, and the actual adults around us alternate between expecting us to be grown up and treating us like children. Meanwhile we have no goddamn clue who we are or what we’re supposed to do and so we grab for anything we can that will serve as an identity or purpose. We strive for status and power because we’re terrified of not having it. And the people who do seem to have it often wield it like a club. Sometimes it’s because they think it’s what they’re supposed to do. Other times they lash out to cover up their own fear and insecurities, keeping everyone from questioning their position by drawing their attention to someone more vulnerable.

And if you’re not one of the people who’s at the top of the heap – or you’re so perpendicular to the social ladder that you don’t come in contact with it – then odds are you’re one of the people who gets s

t on. It’s always easier to throw attention at someone who’s weaker and less influential than you, especially when they don’t fit artificially determined standards or niches.

(Doubly so if you have some behavior that’s seen as “not normal”… which just happens to be defined as non-normative sexual orientations, non-conforming gender presentation, neuroatypicality and racial differences.)

So yeah if you’re not someone who peaked by 18, then high-school probably sucked and you probably went through some s

t.

But as significant and momentous as it felt – and again, I’ve been there, done that, got the therapy bills to show for it – it’s all bulls

t. Somebody weaponized their own insecurities and shoved it into you. Problem is that instead of rejecting, it you’ve let it infect you and metastasize until it’s taken over your system like an emotional cancer.

And look, I get it. I’ve wrestled with this s

t myself. My high-school experience blew goats, and the only reason why things weren’t worse for me was because I was lucky enough to grow up before mainstream adoption of the Internet, before Columbine, before social media… before so many things really. It took me a long goddamn time to get over it, because I internalized all that s

t too. I made all of the s

t I went through part of my identity.

But I didn’t have to. And neither do you.

So much of what you’re dealing with are the after effects of this bulls

t. When you’re approaching people, you’re remembering everything about the woman you had a crush on. You’re remembering that “EWWWWW HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK IT?” moment from the folks who felt like they had to enforce their weird and arbitrary social borders. You’re still more than half-convinced that they were right, that you’re too awkward, too weird, too creepy to ever insult them by expressing interest.

You’re not. You’re just hearing ghosts. And you can shut them up.

And here’s the thing: you already have the skills you need. You don’t need those bulls

t “seduction secrets” people are peddling. You’ve got friends, co-workers who think you’re great, and a whole host of experiences and stories under your belt. Those are all you ultimately need to meet people, find dates and start relationships. If you can make friends, you can get dates; the skills are fundamentally the same. The only difference is how you direct them.

What you need, more than anything else, you need to learn to love yourself. Not think “you ok”, not “get comfortable with rejection”, but learn to love yourself. Not the self you are when you’re in a relationship or the self you think you need to be for people to like you. You need to be able to love yourself, right now, as you are. Maybe it’ll take talking to a therapist. Maybe it’ll take making lists of your great points and reading them regularly so you remember they’re there. Maybe, as stupid as it may sound, it’ll mean standing in front of a mirror and complimenting yourself and giving yourself regular affirmations.

It doesn’t matter how you get there, so long as you do.

You need to be able to recognize your awesome as YOUR awesome, not by how valuable other people find it. Because the more you can learn to love yourself and see the value inherent in you just being you, the less you feel like people are “too good” for you. You don’t feel like you have something to prove – not to your friends, not to the random strangers that you are attracted to, and certainly not to the ghosts of your past.

This is important because it means that you will stop being so afraid of other people. Not just the possibility that they’ll reject you, but the fear that they see something in you and have found you unworthy. Because that? Is alllll kindsa bulls

t.

The more you are able to recognize your worth, really believe in it, the less you’ll feel like you need to pretend to be some version of you that measures up to expectations you seem to think other people have.

And, straight talk my dude. High-school was seven years ago now; that’s damn near twice the length that you were actually there. It’s time to quit letting bulls

t from f

ked up teenagers – because we’re ALL f

ked up at that age – live rent-free in your head. You’re better than that and you deserve better than that.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Over the past five years I’ve had a very toxic relationship, which has now ended. In that time I’ve changed and grown as a woman and mother, now having a completely different attitude from five years ago. I’ve now made the right moves for a secure and stable future. I couldn’t have that with my ex. My ex-partner never changed or grew at all, even though he promised to try. I decided that enough was enough, I was never going to have a life I want if I stayed with that man. To put it in a nutshell: in our  five years together he’s spent 2-3 in prison, 1 year out with his friends and the rest in between my home and others.

Now I’ve had the space to think, I don’t believe I’ve let that rubbish be normality for so long. Don’t get me wrong we was very much in love at one point, but not going nowhere in life which I couldn’t stand. Neither of us had the strength to walk away and we were in a pattern of breaking up and getting back together. Now I’ve got myself together away from him, I feel absolutely fine. I Am proud I had the strength to get out of that rut. I genuinely have no bad feelings towards him I’ve let it all go so I can move on with my own life, wishing him the best of luck for his future.

I moved on and I met somebody else. I started to get feelings for him which I was very surprised at; I expected it would take me a long time to love again. He felt the same way- or  at least he made me believe that he did.

(My ex always drummed into my head that no one would love me, so it was strange at first for me)

I thought the new relationship was going to be great. We had the same expectations and goals in life,. I decided to keep it quiet as I know what my ex-boyfriend is like and 100% would cause trouble. The only person who knew is my best friend at the time. However, my ex began to see her. Unfortunately for her I could see the bigger picture and knew that he was using her to hurt me. Which he did. I was very disappointed in her but I didn’t expect any different from him and got over it pretty quickly. I even wished them luck. I didn’t see why I should hold on to feelings that didn’t matter anymore to me.

When my ex found out about my new partner, he then began to start so much trouble. Other people started spreading rumors. It’s really frustrating because I can see the bigger picture that he and I were not good together and I would rather him be happy with somebody else. I wouldn’t even get involved in his life. He just can’t seem to feel the same for me. All the trouble made my new boyfriend back right off. I wouldn’t even say he was my boyfriend anymore; I’ve barely had any contact with him for 2-3 week. He has given me mixed signals. I’ve stepped back and left him to deal with his own thoughts. It did make me feel like my new relationship rushed. Like we had to prove something to others, I don’t know. It’s quite annoying; it made all the fun go away. I’m feeling very confused. Should I just forgot about my current boyfriend now?

Back In The Saddle Again

DEAR BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN: Damn, BITSA, it’s a damned good thing that you and your ex broke up. He sounds like an incredibly toxic person and you’re far better off without him. Sadly, he seems to disagree, judging by the fact he went out of his way to make trouble for your current relationship.

Considering how all the s

t went down, you need to do is start taking steps to excise your ex from your life and insulate yourself from his future attempts at manipulation. You don’t need to keep your dating on the down-low but you do need to make sure that the people in your life who are privy to your relationship status changes know about your dirtbag ex-boyfriend. Doing things like dating your best friend in order to mine information about you isn’t just creepy, it’s potentially dangerous. That’s some serious stalker behavior in and of itself. Starting a whisper campaign to sabotage your current relationship is equally disturbing.

(Also: Christ, high-school never ends for some people, does it?)

The first thing you should do is start putting your information on lockdown. Tighten up all of your privacy settings on your social media and let your friends know what he’s doing. Some stalkers and abusers will try to insinuate themselves into the lives of their victim’s friends in order to gain access to the victim; they may even start relationships with friends in order to use those friends as catspaws. I’ve seen plenty of vengeful exes (see also: GamerGate) try to pour poison into people’s social circles as a means of getting their revenge and “punishing” their victims. As cold-blooded as it may be, if any of your friends continue to let him into their lives, you may need to consider cutting them out of yours. This includes friends who were willing vectors for the gossip he was spreading. The less access he has to you – either directly or by proxy – the less damage he can do. If he continues to interfere with your life, you may want to consider talking to a lawyer and see what your options are with regards to getting a restraining order filed against him. Even high-school grade bulls

t can have a toxic effect on your life.

Once you’ve cleaned house and sealed this guy off from you… then it’s time to reconsider your current relationship. Right now, all that drama has made your current boyfriend take a few steps back. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do about that; very few people want to date a drama bomb, even when that drama is being inflicted by other people. It’s not fair to you, but it’s the current state of play. It takes a special kind of relationship to last when the shit hits the fan like it has here.

Did you and your current beau rush into things? I can’t say. You don’t mention how long it’d been since you and your ex broke up when you got together or how quickly things progressed. This is made even more complicated by the fact that your ex has done a serious number on you and your self-esteem. It may be best to let things with your current boyfriend go for now and take time to recover – not just from this bulls

t, but from your relationship with your ex. Getting away from him was the first step. The next is to let the wounds heal and excise the poison he’s left in you. It may be worth your time to talk to a counselor, just to process things.

TL;DR – lock your ex and his proxies out of your life and then take some time to recover from the damage he’s done. Surround yourself with Team You and take care of yourself until you’re sure you’re ready for a new relationship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)