DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 28 & ready to start dating, but have never had a date… like, ever. Reason: Self-esteem issues caused by childhood trauma. I’m over it & ready to start dating.��I have a quite a few great prospects in my life, but I’m really scared as to the way I’ll look to these women when they find out that I haven’t started dating until recently. How should I approach this?��Thanks,
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First Time For Everything
DEAR FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING: Your situation really isn’t that weird, FTFE. It’s a lot more common than you’d think. Hell, it doesn’t really hit the top ten of the weirdest situations that ever came up in this column.
In fairness, you haven’t really been on dates, so it’s understandable that you wouldn’t know this but… honestly the odds of your dating experience (or lack thereof) coming up at all are pretty remote. You’re more likely to be attacked by a shark, really.
I have gone on more dates than you’ve had hot meals and I can tell you that nobody has ever asked me about my dating experience, how many relationships I’d had or even when I started dating. The only times it’s ever come up have been with people I already knew or were in a relationship with, and even then it was in the context of either trading war-stories or sharing experiences, not “wait, you’re too under-leveled for this adventure”.
Once you’re out of high-school or college, most people aren’t going to be that concerned about your numbers; they’re mostly going to be focused on “are you compatible”, “do you like each other” and “are you looking for the same things”.
It’s possible to find people (mostly, but not exclusively men dating women) who’ll be concerned about so-called “body counts”, but that’s far less about experience and more about sexist bulls--t and madonna-whore complexes. Even the “I don’t want to teach someone how to chew their food” complaints that people occasionally toss about in online discourse are outliers at best and ultimately are just disqualifying themselves from dating you, not the other way around. After all the hell would you want to share a plate of cheese sticks, never mind a bed, with someone that unempathetic and judgmental?
Now that doesn’t mean that you’re not going to find people who might be a little concerned about your lack of experience… but not because it means that there’s something wrong with you. They’re much more likely to be worried that this means that you’re not going to be in it for the long-term, that you’re not sure what you want, or that they’re afraid that you’re going to wake up one day and decide that you missed out on not sleeping with more people before settling down and you’ll leave them on an adventure of lube, awkward Tinder dates and self-discovery.
But, honestly? That’s not just putting the cart before the horse, that’s dropping the cart off in the next county and wondering why the horse isn’t pulling it.
So how do you handle all of this? Well, first of all, you don’t treat your lack of experience as a negative. It’s not bad, it’s not good, it just is. It’s a singular data point about you, and all it says about you is that you didn’t start dating before now. That’s it. Frame it that way to yourself and it’ll be how you frame it to others if it comes up. It likely won’t if you don’t bring it up first.
If it does, then remember that people are going to respond to how you roll it out. How do you explain it to others? The same way you explain a gap in your resume: short, simple and matter-of-factly. “I had other priorities”, “I had a lot going on in my life that I wanted to address first”, “it wasn’t the right time in my life,” or even my favorite: “just never met someone I wanted to go on a date with.”
If someone presses you for details – they won’t, but if they do – then you tell them what you told me: “had some stuff in my childhood that I had to deal with”. They don’t need to know the nitty-gritty or dirty details unless it’s immediately relevant, such as if you have triggers that they’re likely to run into. If you don’t… well, that’s all they need to know. If you do end up in a relationship with them, then they’ll have earned the privilege of knowing more. But only until then – and only if they’ve proven themselves to be empathetic and caring and worthy of your opening up to them about it.
Now, as for the potential concern about your not being in it for the long-term or the worry that you’re going to regret not having more notches in your belt? Well, there’re a couple of ways to deal with this. The first is, simply, to focus on short-term dating, not the long-term. You can tell folks “I’ve had some major changes/upheavals in my life, so I’m not looking to settle down or make long-term plans.”
(Addressing your trauma and healing your wounds is a pretty significant change and upheaval after all…)
If you’re cool with commitment or monogamy (make sure you are, first), you can be committed or monogamous, but understanding that you’re not looking for forever is going to be important.
The same goes for the number of partners; tell them “if I were looking to make up for lost time, that’s what I’d be doing now. I’m looking for people I really like and connect with, not numbers.”
But again: these are hypothetical scenarios. The more likely scenario is that you’re going to go on dates. Some will be one-offs. Some might see more than once. You might hook up with a couple, you might not. And, over time, you’re going to meet someone who you click with and who clicks with you and they’re going to be pretty special. Maybe they’ll be the last person you’ll ever date. Maybe they won’t. But if you focus on the now, the past won’t be as much of an issue and the future will take care of itself.
Just relax and let yourself enjoy the journey. It’ll be a hell of an adventure for you.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com