DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently 22 years old and have just gone through a break up. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me claiming that she fell out of love.
Advertisement
I took it quite badly and tried several conversations with her to understand why. She said I was good and perfect to her. I always felt like I tried my best I even went up twice to see her when she was spending 4 months to study abroad. I gave her time and attention and care.
Sometimes I think maybe I was too perfect? Maybe me being too nice and giving her what she always wanted pushed her back? I really loved her with all my heart and was willing to give up anything for her.
It’s been very hard for me to move on, she even told me to so I don’t have false hope. I was her first boyfriend and her first love she always wanted to wait for someone special.
What happened and what do I do?
Loved And Lost
DEAR LOVED AND LOST: I’m sorry you’re dealing with this LaL; no break up is pleasant and a break up that feels like it came screaming out of the clear blue sky can be nightmarish. It can feel even worse in some ways when you have no idea what happened or why outside of the nebulous and nagging notion that it’s your fault… somehow.
Which is why what I’m about to say is going to be frustrating but I want you to listen anyway: trying to figure out what happened isn’t going to help you. What you should be doing is working on accepting that it happened and moving forward with your life.
Here’s the thing: you’re not going to get answers about why she’s fallen out of love or what you could’ve done differently, nor will they help you. Your ex isn’t going to be able to tell you why things shook out the way they did. Whatever she tells you now would likely either be a guess, or what she assumes you would want to hear, not what actually happened. The odds are very good that she doesn’t know, herself and won’t fully know until much later, if at all.
There could be a thousand reasons or no reasons whatsoever. Maybe you were too giving – as weird as that may sound. Maybe she was afraid of losing herself in the relationship and pulled back. Or maybe it’s just the case that – seeing as this is her first relationship – she didn’t know about things like New Relationship Energy and the way the honeymoon period ends. Or maybe it’s just a relationship that ran its course and reached its natural conclusion… even though you wish it could’ve gone on longer.
The truth is that right now, the odds are good that she doesn’t have all the answers or the distance and perspective to draw a meaningful conclusion. Even if she did, that doesn’t mean that there was anything that you could’ve done differently. And even if there were things that you could’ve done differently, that doesn’t mean that there’s anything you can do about it now. Getting hung up on what happened or why is often as much about trying to get a second chance or at least some validation and closure as it is about knowing what to do in the future. But closure is ultimately something you give yourself; you have to decide that it’s time to draw the curtain on this and get comfortable with the idea that you may never know the whole story… just as you may never know the whole story of many things in your life.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on recovery and moving forward. A lot of that is going to be some effective self-care. Part of why break ups feel so painful – literally painful – is because you’re going through withdrawal. While you were with her, you were having regular doses of oxytocin and dopamine shooting into the pleasure centers of your brain. Now that she’s gone, you no longer get those happy-drugs; you’ve been cut off by your dealer.
So now, part of your recovery will be finding new and different sources for dopamine and oxytocin. This includes things like physical touch – getting a massage, for example – or spending time with the people who love and care for you. Laughter is a great source of dopamine and oxytocin. So too is exercise, fresh air and sunshine. Taking time to take care of yourself and do positive things – deep cleaning your apartment, going for long walks in nature, taking time to reconnect with friends and engage your support network – go a long way to blunting the pain of that loss and reminding you that as much as it sucks right now, life does go on.
You’re going to be sad. That’s ok; let yourself be sad. Just don’t wallow in that sadness and let things fall apart. Let the sadness be cleansing, washing out the wound so that it can heal cleanly. Recognize that as much as it feels bad right now, that feeling is temporary. The pain and sense of loss will diminish; slowly at first, but faster than you realize, if you let it. Before long, you’ll realize that you haven’t been feeling that pain for a while and it’ll be significant for its absence. But even then, that sensation will fade and despite how it feels in this moment, you’ll be back to normal.
As the bard said, you loved not wisely but too well. It’s a shame that it ended this way, but it won’t be the last relationship you ever have. There will be love in the future. But for now, focus on healing and moving on. The pain will fade. I promise.
All will be well.
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com