DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been following you for a while now, and to be honest, I’ve learned a lot, you’ve answered most of my questions in your previous posts, but there are still some aspects your answers hasn’t quite nail in the head when it comes to my dating life .
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I’m a 24 years old guy, still a virgin, currently at my final year at the uni. When it comes to dating, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life, I have no problem with approaching girl, I approach girls I find attractive, even though many times I ended up getting rejected, but I’m not bothered about that, I’ve come to learn it’s part of the game, I don’t usually do online dating, cuz realized for some reason it never works out for me, so I usually cold approach or meet a girl in event or through friends.
What I do always find confusing though, there are times when I’ve met girl who initially showed interest in me, and then as things developed, just when I thought we are about to get real, then they’d tell me “can we just be friends”. I asked why; most times I don’t get any reasonable explanation or reasons, maybe “I’m not just feeling it” or maybe “I dunno, I just think I don’t want to be in a relationship right now”. I’ve never had anything past 2-3 weeks with most girl I’ve met, I did manage to get a girl to date once, but we ended been on and off. I really wanted to hold on to her at that time, I really liked her, I think she knew this and she treats me any way she wanted cuz she knew I can’t leave, but at last I had my fill her I finally let her go. Now after her I’ve met few more girls but my old problem persist. Sometimes I get ghosted by someone I thought we were really getting along till now. I don’t understand why, I’ll even ask my friends, I’d show them the conversation between and some girls, trying to figure where I’ve gone wrong, but I always get same answer, “you did nothing wrong, maybe you just haven’t met the right one yet”.
But I wonder why it’s like that for me, most of my other friends has had fulfilling relationships with girls while at university, they get to kiss, have sex , and someone to call theirs, while I’m struggling to get even one relationship started, I’m writing this because I’m confused, and no one ever tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’m tired hearing “you just haven’t met the right one yet” my question is for a guy in my situation what can I do?
Clueless in College
DEAR CLUELESS IN COLLEGE: As evidenced by a lot of my letters of late, you’re hardly alone in not knowing what’s wrong or what’s going on, CIC. In fact, that’s part of why you’re getting unsatisfying answers from your friends. The hard truth is that nobody really knows what they’re doing. Most people, when you ask how or why they have their level of success in dating (for suitably variable definitions of “success” and “level”), couldn’t actually tell you how they’ve achieved it. They can make some guesses, sure… but more often than not, if they’re being honest, the answer is “dunno, but it seems to work for me.”
And that doesn’t mean that they’re clueless or that they have some inherent gift that you don’t. It just means that they haven’t really sat down and dug into what they’re doing, how they did it and why it works for them. From their perspective, it’s often as simple as “well, I tried X, X seems to have worked out and so I kept doing that.” It’s a little like asking someone with no background in musical composition or theory what makes their favorite song good or asking someone who never studied filmmaking what, specifically, makes their favorite movie a masterpiece. A lot of the time, they can make broad gestures and talk about how it makes them feel, but they couldn’t tell you much about how the chord progression fits a particular structure or why this shot choice or editing technique is why the movie hits a particular way.
But it feels almost “wrong” to admit to not knowing or not having any idea how to help, and our friends do want to help. So they default to generic, somewhat anodyne advice. That’s why when people say “you haven’t met the right person yet”, what they’re often saying is “f--ked if I know, man”.
The really frustrating thing is: they’re not entirely wrong either. Dating is about compatibility after all, and many – even most – people aren’t going to be compatible in the ways that you need to make a relationship work. That’s not anybody’s fault. That’s just bad luck. And it’s possible to have bad luck streaks that last years, through no fault of your own.
Now that having been said, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that you’re doing – or not doing, as the case may be – that can affect your chances of meeting the right person and staying with them.
Without following you around like a relationship Richard Attenborough, I couldn’t tell you precisely what you’re doing wrong. But I think I know at least one thing that’s messing you up: I think that you, like a lot of frustrated guys, have hit the point where you’re more focused on a particular achievement than a holistic relationship. If you’re a regular reader, I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about “trying to fill a hole labeled ‘girlfriend’”, where someone is just trying to have A Girlfriend, rather than a relationship with a specific person. I think you’re in a similar place – you want to get to the stage of a relationship where things get serious and/or physical, and you’re increasingly less concerned with who. And that’s a problem.
Now, there’re two parts of your letter that make me think I know where things are going wrong. The first is that “most times I don’t get any reasonable explanation or reasons, maybe ‘I’m not just feeling it’ or maybe ‘I dunno, I just think I don’t want to be in a relationship right now’.” That’s usually a sign that there’s no chemistry – either physical or emotional. Sometimes this is because you’re just a null match – there’s nothing there to cause a reaction and nothing either of you could do would change that. Which sucks, but that’s part of why dating is a numbers game. There’re folks you’ll just not spark with and that’s ok.
The other hint, however, is this: “I really wanted to hold on to her at that time, […] I think she knew this and she treats me any way she wanted cuz she knew I can’t leave”. In and of itself, this is wrong: you absolutely could leave. In fact, you should have, especially if “she was treating you any way she wanted”. You didn’t, because you wanted to get to this end result of making a relationship happen, and you were afraid to let go of what you assumed was your best (and only) shot. And therein lies the problem.
When someone gets so laser focused on the end goal, especially when they’ve convinced yourself that this is the latest in a dwindling number of opportunities, they tend to end up in a “do anything to make this happen/not f--k this up” mentality. This often means doing things like giving up their boundaries, being afraid to rock the boat or to express themselves or any needs they may have. The fear is that this opportunity is like a soap bubble, so fragile and ephemeral that anything might make it pop out of existence. Going along with whatever they throw your way, without complaint, becomes the “only” hope of making it work.
The problem is that this isn’t how things work. In fact, this often works against you. Under the best of circumstances, when you’re with someone who likes you and who’s trying to connect with you in good faith, this often means an unwillingness to flirt, express desire or otherwise move things forward, lest they offend or break the spell. But under bad circumstances, you end up in a relationship with someone who will trade on your weak boundaries – someone who knows that you’ll put up with s--tty behavior and mistreatment because where else are you gonna go? Seriously, “nobody else will put up with you/ care for you/ let you stay around” is a very common refrain in toxic and abusive relationships.
Trust me: I have been there and done that and let me tell you: it was absolutely not worth it. All putting up with mistreatment got me was more misery. Not advocating for my own needs left me with emotional and physical problems that took years to unpack and undo. The “rewards” were bad sex and a relationship that that drained the life out of me. When your relationship sounds like lyrics to The Offspring’s “Self Esteem”, that’s a sign that it’s time to love yourself enough to get the hell out.
Here’s the thing: having strong boundaries doesn’t ruin the possibility of a relationship. What strong boundaries do is ensure that you don’t waste your time with people who aren’t right for you or who won’t treat you well. You want to exclude people who want to treat you however they please with no regard for you. You want to push away toxic people or people who want pets, not partners. Being willing to leave a bad scene and to stand up for yourself both make you much more attractive to others, because they’re signs of confidence and self-worth. Having the confidence to say “I would rather be alone for the right reasons than together in a bad relationship” is confidence that comes out in all the other areas of your life as well.
Nobody worth dating is going to want a pushover or a doormat. They don’t want to date someone who folds like paper, nor do they want someone who they have to prop up and constantly reassure every five minutes.
By the same token, having the confidence to advocate for your needs and to make your interest known – by flirting, touching, even outright stating them – with the people you’re dating is important. Your dates aren’t mind-readers. If you don’t act like you’re interested in being more than friends, they’re going to assume that you’re not. If you don’t work on building chemistry with someone, they’re not going to feel that spark. Yes, there can be a delicate balance between flirting and trying to build chemistry and being overbearing or pushy… but part of how you find that balance is by being willing to make mistakes and to learn from them. If you become so afraid of ‘risking’ things that you don’t make any move towards advancing the relationship, you’ll never make any progress.
And here’s the thing about rejection and taking risks: rejection isn’t inherently bad. A lot of folks are afraid to narrow their options or to filter people out. I understand wanting the widest possible pool of candidates in hopes of finding more potential partners. But that’s actually a mistake. You’re going to spend a lot more time with bad matches when you cast your net as widely as possible. Part of the goal of dating is that you want to waste as little time as possible with people who aren’t right for you; that’s time you no longer have to spend with the people who are. You want people who aren’t right for you to reject you, or to reject them. It saves you time and energy and it helps you zero in on the people who are right for you.
The same goes for trying to move things forward: if you don’t take chances, you’ll never learn what doesn’t work and why, nor will you figure out what does. Yes, it can be maddening when it seems like you’re in the last lap only to get a red flag before you get to the finish line… but the whole point of making mistakes is to learn why those are mistakes, so you don’t make them the next time. Otherwise you end up in a White Queen’s Race, running as fast as you can to stay in the same place.
So going forward: be willing to put yourself out there more, but be discerning on who you try to date. Be willing to show interest and take chances on moving the relationship forward, but also don’t be afraid to pump the brakes or even bail when necessary. You’re still going to have some false starts and sputtering stops. That’s ok. Do your best to examine them dispassionately, figure out where things went wrong and try to adjust for the next time. And remember: progress and improvement tend to look like series of mistakes… it’s just that each mistake has moves you a little closer to your ultimate goal.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com