DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m just gonna get right into it. My most recent ex and I broke up in October 2021. I’ve experienced a fling or two since then but nothing worthwhile. I’ve done some reflection as to why my love life is so bone dry and I think part of the problem may be flirting, in that I don’t.
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In my late teens and early 20s, I used to be a very flirtatious person. But the reason I don’t really flirt anymore is because, in a world that is post-#MeToo and Time’s Up and all these very necessary movements, I dread making people feel uncomfortable or, god forbid, unsafe around me. I guess my problem is that I don’t know where the line is. I don’t know when harmless flirting becomes harassment. And like I said, I never wanna be someone people feel like they should be on high alert around.
Maybe your advice can help me break out of this mindset.
Sincerely,
Not a Creep, Just a Weirdo
DEAR NOT A CREEP, JUST A WEIRDO: It’s good to be mindful of not wanting to make people uncomfortable or not wanting to cause people to feel unsafe. But the problem here is that you’ve taken it to an extreme, and to a point where you’ve basically made paralysis the seemingly only available choice.
This is something that comes up a lot, NACJAW. Like, a lot a lot, especially around here, and honestly… it kind of betrays how much the discourse around #MeToo and the rest has ended up giving folks the wrong impression. Not the movement itself, not the examination of behavior that it inspired, the discourse about it.
The biggest misunderstanding I’ve found that well-meaning people have is that #MeToo wasn’t about awkward dudes not knowing where the line is or someone getting upset because a guy she didn’t think was attractive asked her on a date. It was about the number of out and out predators and harassers who had been getting by without consequence. The idea that “#MeToo ruined dating and flirting” was very much a reaction to the movement – an attempt to minimize people’s very real, very understandable frustration by framing it as being too much or women being “unreasonable”.
It’s very much of a piece of when people complained that sexual harassment – especially in the wake of the Clarence Thomas hearings – were women “overreacting” or that they were too “sensitive” and this was making dating or working with women too hard because reasons. The attempts to dismiss or diminish what it was actually about began almost immediately. Some of this was, admittedly, deliberate on the part of f--kty people who latched onto #MeToo as the latest arm of the ongoing culture war, some of it was the result of algorithmic trends encouraging increasing vitriol in the discussions online, but some of it is because people didn’t (and in some cases, still haven’t) actually paid attention to what the actual problems were and let the conservative culture warriors dictate terms of the conversation.
The perpetrators who were the spark that kicked off the #MeToo movement weren’t folks making awkward passes or asking someone out to dinner one too many times. They weren’t simple misunderstandings or misinterpretations that people might make in good faith. They were serial harassers and predators. People like Bill Cosby, Matt Lauer and Harvey Weinstein were rapists who preyed on women in their orbit – using their influence and clout to lure in their targets while using their power in the industry to ensure silence and avoiding accountability for their actions.
(If you want to have a better understanding of why it all boiled over when it did, I would recommend checking out Maureen Ryan’s excellent book “Burn It Down”, which talks about the toxic culture behind the scenes in Hollywood).
Other folks like Louis CK and Vic Mignogna weren’t well-meaning but clueless bumblers, they engaged in consistent patterns of sexually aggressive behavior – behavior that was clearly unacceptable – with many many people. They, too, were insulated from consequences by their status and by people who didn’t take it seriously. The point of #MeToo was to bring to people’s attention just how wide spread this behavior was, how many people had experienced it and how it was at the very least tacitly accepted if not approved of by many. It’s not like there was a blurry line that got crossed when Louis CK would just drop trou and start jerking it in front of female comedians after all.
So right from the jump, you should understand that the bar you’re being expected to clear is very, very low. Low bars can be tripped over, sure, and people can still f--k up, but the thing that’s making you afraid was the result of the behavior of predators, not people making honest mistakes. The line is fairly simple: the difference between flirting and harassment is that harassment is unwanted and persistent. If you ask someone out on a date or flirt a little and they say “no thank you” or otherwise show they’re not interested and you stop? Not harassment. If you keep hitting on them every time you see them, argue their lack of interest or otherwise make it more about your desire for them rather than their desire to be left alone, especially when its making them uncomfortable? Harassment. The discomfort is an especially big part of what makes the difference, particularly when the discomfort is ignored or dismissed.
The next thing to realize is flirting isn’t inherently harmful, unwelcome or otherwise makes people uncomfortable. What is harmful and unwelcome are folks who a) don’t bother to read the room, b) aren’t mindful of other people’s comfort and interest and c) don’t take “no, thank you” for an answer. If you can pay attention to how someone’s feeling and can hear “no” or “I’d prefer if you didn’t” and respect their no without making it a problem? You’re going to be ok.
Now that having been said, there’re some things you can do that will help make sure that you’re able to go out and meet, mingle and flirt without making things awkward or uncomfortable.
To start with, you want to flirt with people who want to flirt with you. Of course, finding out who does want to flirt can feel like a bit of a challenge. However, people don’t expect you to be mind-readers; they just expect you to be able to read the moment. One of the easiest ways to gauge someone’s interest is simply to use a low-level flirt like a ping on the sonar – and one ping only, Mr. Vassily. You make a small, non-sexual compliment, you make a mild tease, whatever works with your flirting style – and see what comes back. Do they respond in kind? Do they match your energy or even escalate it? Great! They want to flirt with you. Do they seem to miss the flirting or just not respond? OK, they probably aren’t interested in flirting.
You can use the ping as a way of gauging levels of interest as well. If someone is meeting your energy but only to a certain point – you make a more overtly ribald comment or a more direct expression of interest and they don’t match it – then you know where the upper limits are and you can stay there. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t like you or aren’t interested, but not everyone needs or wants to go full Pepe Le Pew or the fruit scene from Tom Jones.
Another way to help make sure people feel comfortable – and to ensure that you know if you and they are on the same page – is to use your words. Even something simple as a “may I…?” before taking their hand to lead them to another part of the room or touching them on the arm or back or what-have-you makes a big, welcome difference.
Sure, sometimes it can feel awkward, especially when you’re getting used to incorporating asking directly into your flirtatious lexicon, but that’s the awkwardness of inexperience and unfamiliarity, not anything inherent to asking. For all the jokes and f--k-talking people do about asking for a kiss or saying “is it ok if I…” or “would you like me to…”, it’s far less awkward to tell someone that you want to kiss them (and give them room to say “yes” or “no”) than to go for a kiss and get the cheek or even a “wait what’re you doing?” Done well, asking for consent during flirting – “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now…” – can be sexy as hell.
Another thing you can do to make sure that people feel more secure about you is almost absurdly simple: you make it clear to them that it’s ok to say no. Literally saying “hey, it’s totally ok to tell me you’re not interested” or “I’m safe to reject” can make a huge difference. Acknowledging the unspoken but understood worry that women have about a guy, making it overt and saying “I get this, it’s fine, let me address it now” is a very small thing, but it sends the message that you’re aware, that you’re mindful of how people feel and that you want to make sure this is something you’re both into. A reel from Instagram user dinosaur.arms has a great example of this dynamic in action.
And the last thing you can do that will make the difference is equally simple: if you make a mistake or misread things, you apologize. People know mistakes happen, signals can be misread and sometimes folks just miss things. Recognizing when it happens, apologizing for it and stopping the unwanted behavior is part of what makes it clear that this really was just a mistake. A sincere, simple apology – “oh, I got that wrong, I’m sorry” – is all that’s needed 90% of the time. You’re acknowledging that you made a mistake, you recognize it and you’re taking responsibility by apologizing and then letting the matter drop.
Like I said: it’s good to be mindful about people’s comfort and safety, and it’s good to want to make sure that the folks you want to flirt with want to beflirted with. Just don’t over-correct so hard that you end up afraid to do anything. Nobody’s asking for that, nobody’s expecting it. All anyone expects is for you to pay attention, learn and to do your best.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com