DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Why do I tend to feel resentful and jealous of other people’s relationships? It’s a part of me I’ve tried not to acknowledge because its s--tty to feel this way but it has cost me. Even though I’m ace and on the spectrum, I think feeling like I’m graduating by 30 and not being in a relationship means that something is missing. I also often just feel that my autism can be a detractor to my dating life, up until I see other people on the spectrum have relationships. I get worried that I’m one of those people who’s inherently isolated and it’s my own fault.
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How do I get past these feelings or even just bring them up in counseling. I try to avoid them because I feel like an incel for having them but at the same time you have to accept that shadow ya know. It also doesn’t help that I find people exhausting at the best of time despite everything.
Please help.
You Blew It Up Damn You
DEAR YOU BLEW IT UP DAMN YOU: There’s nothing wrong with being envious of people who are in relationships, YBIUDY. We’re social animals; we tend to thrive in communities and when we have people in our lives who love us, care for us and support us. Wanting that isn’t wrong and feeling sad for the lack or wishing that you could have what other people have isn’t inherently bad.
Having these doesn’t feelings make you an incel, nor do you need to try to avoid feeling them. Not only does it not work – you can’t force yourself to not feel things – but trying not to feel them just means denying that you have a need that’s going unmet. At best, the need continues to go unmet. At worst… well, that’s when it starts curdling into bitterness and resentment.
The difference between wanting a relationship when you don’t have one and being an incel is pretty significant. When we talk about incels as a group, we’re talking about people who’ve defined themselves as much by their anger and resentment as their relationship status. People can be lonely without being incels. People can crave and miss love and affection when they don’t have it, and still not be incels. They can even want love and affection and feel frustrated that they don’t know how to find those things. It’s when those frustrations turn to anger and hate – whether directed inward or outward – They can even want love and affection and feel frustrated that they don’t know how to find those things
I would also point out that you’re not “inherently” isolated. You’re lonely and alone and from the sounds of it, you’re something of an introvert. That’s not the same as being “inherently” isolated. For it to be “inherent”, it would have to be an immutable, unavoidable aspect of who you are, some thing about you that makes it literally impossible for you to ever change. And that’s not true. You’re not flawed, you’re not unloveable and you’re not doomed to being isolated.
I think the first thing you should do is stop trying to avoid the topic in counseling. In fact, I think it would likely do you some good to bring it up straight away. Part of the point of talking to a counselor is to talk about the things that’re bothering you; you don’t need to wait for an opening or for an organic opportunity to slide it across the table as a dialogue option. You can just say “I’ve really been feeling lonely and envious of the people I see in relationships lately and I don’t like how it’s been making me feel. I’d really like to work on that.”
Starting that conversation is the start of dealing with those feelings. Your counselor can help you unpack the complicated and messy feels you have over being ace and autistic while also wanting a relationship, how to deal with people being exhausting and what steps you can take to manage everything.
I will say, however, that being asexual doesn’t mean that you don’t want a relationship. Being ace is about sex and libido, not intimacy and love. Ace people can and do have romantic relationships. Sex may not be a cornerstone of that relationship or a key part of your connection with your partner, but that’s fine. The great thing about relationships is that the only people who get to define them are you and your partner. If you love someone, they love you and your intimacy doesn’t involve sex? Cool: you’re in a loving, romantic relationship. You’re also allowed to decide how much you two see each other, whether you live together or not, share the same bedroom or not or any of a thousand other little details. None of them are prerequisites for calling what you have “a relationship”; the only prereq is that you both agree.
At the same time: not being in a relationship doesn’t mean anything about you as a person except that you’re not currently in one. It doesn’t matter how old you are or whether this is your first or fiftieth; those are just data points, not definitions. The same with being autistic; it’s just a fact about you, something inherently neutral. Some people may not vibe with you because of it. For others, it’ll be part of what makes you uniquely you. And this is true about all aspects of life. There’ll be people who don’t dig the color of your hair; that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with it. It just means that person doesn’t dig it. That’s it.
Don’t define yourself by what you perceive (rightly or wrongly) to be your flaws; all this does is limit you and put up unnecessary obstacles in your life. Instead, define yourself by your potential, your goals, your ambitions, your drive and your actions. You’re capable of far more than you give yourself credit for; defining yourself by your perceived limitations only restricts you.
So hie thyself over to the counselor’s and get the conversation started. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be addressing these feelings and getting them to the point that they aren’t troubling you any longer.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com