DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (F/41) had been dating a man around the same age as me. He has not totally left my life unlike every other man I met but he will not compromise for me, meaning he will not look at different apartments for or with me or assist me in gainful employment so I can help with rent.
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So it seems he wants to live the life he is living, yet have me in it? So I have to accept his way of life?
I was not raised that way per se. My mom got a lot of things like a house she liked and furniture and decorations and gardening, so maybe subconsciously I expect to “have a say” in the household, which to my knowledge is normal.
He does not have laundry and I suggested getting a nicer apartment with laundry or looking at houses since he is paying more in rent than he would in a mortgage. I also offered that he move in with me here even though I live with my parents. I thought that way we can save money for a house.
Whenever I mention a house he brings up his mother and that she wants a house. So I said how about she move here then with us. And he said no. She is 3 hours away.
I wish I got a job so I can pay rent but I realize I would choose a different apartment. I like the new apartments which have pools and exercise rooms and laundry. So does that mean we have different values?
I like having a home, but buying a house is a downpayment which obviously I don’t have.
So, I decided to not date him anymore since it seems he is not willing to compromise for me or make plans with me.
His apartment reminds me of a college dorm rec room. Or a shared space with board games and paints and video games and movies.
So if I move in with him then I learn to play board games and use a public laundry?
Which Way To Go?
DEAR WHICH WAY TO GO: Ok, WWTG, this is a pretty simple issue. If he wants to continue living his lifestyle as it currently stands and isn’t willing to compromise, then yeah, either you have to accept it or break up with him. That’s the same choice he has to make; if he wants to date you, then he either has to compromise or he doesn’t get to date you. That’s how dating works.
Now that having been said, there’s a lot in this letter that’s giving me pause. We’ll start with the fact that, well, the stuff you mention at the top isn’t actually a compromise. Looking at apartments for you to rent or offer you work isn’t a compromise; the way you’re phrasing it in your letter makes it seem more like these are demands. Yeah, as a general rule, both sides of a couple ‘have a say’ in the relationship – that’s how relationships work – but based on your letter, I am honestly unsure that you’re actually in a relationship with this guy or what point your relationship has reached.
You don’t mention how long you’ve been dating, so it’s also entirely possible that some of what you’re asking for is way too much for the current stage of your relationship. If you’ve been dating for three months, say, it’s really goddamn early to be talking about moving in together, never mind having a say in where or what amenities you should have. You’re not currently living together and it doesn’t seem like moving in together is imminent, so why in pluperfect hell are you making noises about his finding a new place?
Similarly, it sounds like you’re currently unemployed, which means that all of the costs – not just rent, but moving, furnishing, maintenance, etc. – are going to be on his shoulders. That’s a lot to ask from someone, especially if things aren’t at the “this is a serious, committed relationship” stage. And based on what you’ve written, y’all are nowhere near that stage. It honestly doesn’t sound like “serious commitment” was even a speck on the horizon… and if I’m being honest, I am entirely unsurprised.
I’m going to be blunt here: it doesn’t sound like you even like this guy. Your letter, taken in its entirety, sounds like you found a guy who said yes to a date and then you immediately started trying to change everything about him. Well, I’m here from the future to tell you that this approach isn’t going to work – not with him, not with anyone. All things considered, I can’t say that I’m terribly surprised that he’s resisting those requests. You date people, not amorphous blobs of Play-Doh that you shove into various contraptions until they’re molded into the shape you want. It sounds less like you actually want to date this person specifically and more that he’s the one who’s stuck around longer than others. That’s not a great reason to date someone and doubly so when it seems like you dislike most things about him and his lifestyle.
If you’re trying to find a warm body to shove into an empty hole marked “boyfriend” or “relationship”, you’re going to be spending a lot of time trying to force them to fit the way that they expect and very few people are going to put up with that. You’re going to do a lot better finding people who want the same things as you or who are at least more compatible in terms of interests, goals and lifestyles. This guy isn’t and for the life of me, I can’t see the point of trying to force it.
I think you may want to put dating on hold until you have more of your life in order, so that you’re not making these sorts of demands – especially since they don’t seem to be balanced by anything on your side of the equation. Ending things was the right choice for everybody, but unless you take some lessons from this, you’re going to be playing this particular song on repeat.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com