DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am back again yet a third time (Back in the Saddle/Still on the Horse). Thank you for taking the time to answer my previous letters, but I have yet another quandary that I am unsure on what to do.
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After reading my second letter, you will remember that I met a girl who lived in Germany. For this letter, let’s call her Anna. Things were going really well between Anna and I when we were together and we were determined to make it work. Anna intends to move back to the States with or without me in nine months, so that gives me a definite end which is why I agreed.
When Anna went back to Germany, things changed. Anna’s father died a couple months ago, and they were really close. She later called to tell me that she feels that she still wants to be with me and she doesn’t want to see anyone else, but she is going through a lot emotionally and needs space. Because of this, we have not talked for several days.
Now that I have been back home for a bit, I ran into one of my other friends. Let’s call her Bella. After interacting a bit with Bella, I think she may be interested in something more from me than just friendship. I think Bella is a sweet girl and pretty cute as well, but I am not sure if that is a good idea.
When I talked to Anna last before she told me she needed space, I told her that I could not make her any promises. The truth is though, I really like Anna and I would welcome her back with open arms if she came back. But I also realize that I don’t know when, or even if, she will be back. A part of me also feels like I would be abandoning Anna in her time of need. I also wonder if it is fair to Bella if I go out with her while I still obviously have feelings for Anna. I feel like a piece of s--t, because Anna always told me she was worried I would leave her for a prettier girl. But I also feel like I tried my best, and ultimately Anna is the one who is shutting me out.
What would I do in this type of situation? What are the ethics behind this?
Rock and Hard Place
DEAR ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: OK, new rule: three letters like this in a row and it’s Chair Leg of Truth time.
You are about to profoundly f--k up your relationship for no good reason, and you’re going to end up with nothing to show for it. So let me give you the blunt truth here: this is entirely down to “if you can’t be with the one you want, bang the one you’re with”.
You’re frustrated with Anna, you’re horny, and Bella’s there. It’s easier to bail on a relationship if you know where you’re going to land, and you’re hoping that Bella is going to be your crash pad.
Here’s what’s going on: long-distance relationships are hard. International long-distance relationships are extremely hard. When they start long distance with minimal indication of when they will stop being long-distance, then you’ve added an entirely new level of difficulty to the mix, especially when you’ve already had your previous struggles with feeling wanted. This relationship was always going to be a high-effort affair for the both of you.
And now not only do you have a long-distance relationship with someone with no real way of knowing when you’re actually live in the same time zone, you’re feeling like you’re being shut out.
Except you’re not. This isn’t about you. This is entirely about the fact that Anna just had her world end and is trying to process some serious s--t.
Now. My guy. I have been around this block a lot. Not only have I dealt with relationships that were derailed by the death of family members, but I’ve lost family members myself and I can tell you from extensive personal experience that nothing will change your perspective on life than when someone you’re close to dies. This is especially true when it’s a family member. And when the person who died is a parent? Congratulations, you are now going to have your bell rung and your entire world wrecked.
Losing a parent is one of the single biggest agents of change in a young person’s life; you are now confronted not just with the loss of someone important to you, someone who – quite literally – was there for your entire existence, but you also have to figure out who you are now that they’re gone. One of the biggest load-bearing pillars of your universe has collapsed, so what does this mean for you? This is precisely the sort of thing that makes someone want to hole up and cry for hours and try to figure out what the f--k they’re going to do now. And that’s very hard to do when you’re, say, balancing a brand new relationship.
I’m not surprised she needs time apart. Her available bandwidth is very, very limited right now and it’s going to be hard for her to deal with everything – not just her grief, but with her family, the practical arrangements, all of it – as it is. There’s nothing left for anyone or anything that isn’t the highest of priorities. And at the risk of sounding cold-blooded… your relationship is too new to really be that high of a priority.
It’s sucks, I know, and it’s hard not to take it personally. But it’s not about her not caring or not wanting to date you. It’s about time. You don’t have the sort of shared history and mutual investment that can only come over time.
She’s doing her best here, but she simply doesn’t have the time, spoons or anything left over for you. She’s going to be doing her best to keep treading water. And, as I said: this was always going to be a high-effort relationship from the start. This is why she said that she wants some space.
While I understand that you’re feeling left out right now, the fact is that you’re not really thinking about just how hard this is for her. Trust me: she would much rather be having virtual hangouts with you than dealing with any of this. I think you need to take a moment and be honest – if not with me, than at least yourself. You need to ask whether you honestly think that Bella’s an option, or is this because you’re feeling hurt.
Honestly? I think it’s because you’re feeling hurt. If Anna wasn’t in the picture, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
The main reasons why Bella is feels like an option is that the one you want is out of reach. It’s bird-in-the-hand vs. bird-across-the-ocean and oh look, isn’t it amazing how the person who’s actually there is more appealing? And also hasn’t recently made you feel rejected? And wouldn’t it be great if you could just bounce from one to the other without any real pause in between? It’s almost too good to be true.
Which should be enough for you to want to pump the brakes a bit and try to get some clarity. At the very least, you want to know what you’re actually doing and what you can reasonably expect as a result.
Part of it is going to involve being honest about whether you want to be with Anna or not. And right now, it seems like you’re trying to work your way up to actually breaking up with her and you don’t want to admit it.
Now, if you don’t want to wait on Anna, that’s entirely legitimate. Yeah, you feel like you’d be an asshole for doing this but – and I mean this sincerely – how long are you going to sit around being upset and sad in the name of Not Being An Asshole? There are no good times to break up with someone, and break ups always sting. But sticking around when you truly want out, just because you don’t want to be The Bad Guy is a mistake. Even under the best of circumstances, that’s a recipe for things going septic. If you don’t want to wait – and again, that’s a legitimate choice – then it’s better to end things quickly and cleanly than to let it drag out and for her to realize that you’ve been feeling this way the entire time she’s been mourning her father. Discovering that you have been just counting down the days until it was “ok” for you to say “I want to break up” is just going to retroactively make that mourning period even worse. So if you truly want out? Then do it as quickly as you can with as little unnecessary pain as you can. The clean break heals the fastest.
But if you are going to end it, don’t end it because you think you have a shot with Bella. End it because you wanted this relationship to be over.
If you realize that no, you actually want to try to make things work? Then let go of the idea that Bella is anything other than someone who gets your heart pumping and your gonads jumping. What you’re currently thinking about requires a more deft hand and a lot more experience than you have to navigate successfully. Getting hornt up over her is only going to lead to poor choices.
How long will it take before Anna comes back? F--ked if I know. Grief is different for everyone. But if you trust her and trust your relationship, then you should give her a chance to prove that this trust is warranted. And while Bella is tempting now, she’ll hardly be the last person in the world that you’re tempted by or who seems to be into you. This is just what’s right in front of you right now, not the last opportunity you’ll ever have.
While there may still come a time when you’ll decide that you’ve waited long enough, it doesn’t sound like that day is today. So don’t make serious decisions based on momentary temptation.
You’re the only one who can make this call. But you have to make it, one way or the other.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com