DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just want to start out by saying that I’ve been reading your blog posts and watching your YouTube videos for a while now, and your advice has really helped me a lot. With that said, I have a couple of questions:
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The first question is if you think that I should keep going out to a casino near where I live to work on cold approaches. To clarify, I live in Las Vegas. I am currently leaning towards ending this practice. I don’t gamble. I avoid drinking when I can because of the health effects and the price (who wants to pay $20 for a cocktail?) I also don’t really like the noise, crowds, or staying up into the late evening hours (yes, I know I’m getting old). I mostly just make myself go on Friday or Saturday nights because I know getting out of the apartment will be good for me, there will usually be beautiful women present, and I can work on my cold approaches. In a way, I kind of think of it like a gym for social skills and game. On a side note, I think doing cold approaches works better when you are sober because you feel your fear more acutely. Anyways, I wanted to ask you if you thought it was worth continuing to go out to this place because I don’t particularly enjoy it and I am not exactly preselecting for a person who would be compatible with me.
The second question is about sex – specifically, when you should begin having sex when starting a relationship. I come from a pretty conservative background that taught me that sex before marriage was a grievous offense, but I’ve since come to believe that it’s just a fun recreational activity that you and your partner can both enjoy, provided there’s consent and mutual trust and respect involved.
The reason I ask this is that, well, I’m a typical guy, and I’d love to start having sex as soon as possible. However, I know a lot of women take time to develop trust, which it totally understandable. They also don’t want to be slut-shamed for being too quick to jump into the sack. The other part of this is commitment; a lot of people say that sex should require commitment, and I see their point: it’s the quite likely the most vulnerable position a person could possibly be in, especially for women. I’m just asking because I want to develop a good ethical position that rests upon solid principles. I also don’t know when it’s appropriate to broach the subject or express an interest in having sex, since asking for sex too early gives the impression that I “just want sex.”
The third question also pertains to sex. This may strike you as an odd question, but do you believe celibacy is a good motivational tool for making approaches? On the one hand, I feel like porn and masturbation just sap my motivation to approach women that I’m interested in. I’m concerned that porn hijacks a very powerful, ancient reward circuit and delivers nothing in return. To be honest, if I wanted to do only what felt easy or comfortable, I would never approach women I’m interested in, avoid going out, and just keep to myself. But I know that humans are deeply social and relational creatures, and that being in a relationship would be good for me, since it would help me grow in many ways. Also, staying in too much and not talking to anyone makes me go crazy. So, that’s why I ask if celibacy is a good motivational tool.
On the other hand, I am wondering if doing this would just make things more difficult. I fear that I could become rather, ahem, outcome dependent and reek of desperation. I also don’t want to be that guy who gets whiplash from every girl walking by and sees every interaction as a possible road to sex.
Anyways, thank you for reading my questions, and keep up the good work!
Stepping Up To The Plate
DEAR STEPPING UP TO THE PLATE: Alright, SUTP, let’s roll this from the top.
First: as a general rule, cold approaches are very inefficient as a way of meeting people. You are functionally trying to convince someone to be interested in starting a potentially romantic or sexual relationship with a complete stranger, often in the span of twenty minutes to an hour. That’s not really how most people meet their partners. While exceptions obviously exist, most folks tend to meet their partners either through shared activities, mutual friends or dating apps; very rarely do you find a “yeah, we were total strangers who bumped into each other at the airport bar” or whatnot.
Working on cold approaches can be good, especially since you can’t exactly count on having a social network in place when you’ve moved somewhere or when you’re traveling, and the skills have a lot of crossover in other areas of your social life. But as an overall strategy for meeting people, your ratio of effort to return is very, very unbalanced towards to the “effort” end of things.
That’s not made any easier by trying to do this in a noisy, chaotic environment like a casino. While yes, Vegas has long played up its “what happens in Vegas” marketing and implying that hook-ups and wild parties could happen at any moment… frankly a lot of that is just marketing hype and a whole lot of folks who are more into the fantasy of Vegas than the reality.
It also isn’t helped when it’s an environment you, specifically, don’t care for and people who likely aren’t as likely to be compatible with. Yes, there are likely to be beautiful women there… but they’re more likely to be into the very atmosphere and environment that you find noisy and chaotic. So you’re going to also be dealing with fundamental incompatibilities. If you want to work on being able to deal with the environment and just get comfortable with approaching and talking to complete strangers, that’s fine… but I think the skills you’re trying to develop would be better served in practicing them in something closer to a situation where you’d meet people you actually want to date.
Think of it as the difference between practicing swinging a baseball bat because you want to get better at kendo or HEMA; yes, technically the mechanical movements are similar, but you’re training for the wrong things.
As for your second question: much of this is going to be based around vibes, chemistry and your connection with the person you’re dating. Sex “should” begin when everyone’s ready, willing and able. Sometimes those things don’t line up at the same time; sometimes they slot into place immediately. One person you meet may like to take their time to feel comfortable and secure before they have sex with someone. Another might be ready to bone down on the first date. It’s going to depend on each individual person and each relationship.
Unless things have been otherwise stated (for example: you or they are somewhere on the asexuality spectrum), it’s safe to assume that the women you’d be interested in dating will know that you’re interested in sex in general. Most dates tend to work with an understanding that sexual attraction is involved to some degree and that a sexual connection is an expected component – if not now, at some point in the future. But just as every woman is different, every relationship is going to be different, and you are going to conduct yourself accordingly.
In terms of bringing it up… well, again, that’s going to vary. If there’s physical chemistry – you and they like kissing or making out, asking if they want to take this to the bedroom is entirely reasonable. If there’s no physical affection or sense of sexual attraction, that might be something to actually ask about. Same with asking a partner you have been intimate with if things have been off; it’s not unreasonable to say “hey, is everything ok? It’s been a while since we’ve had sex and I want to check in with you if anything’s going on…”
But as a general rule, if you’re unsure, use your words. It’s better to ask and risk things being momentarily awkward than to make an unwanted move and guarantee that things will be very awkward. It’s hard to go wrong with “I really want to kiss you right now”, especially during an emotionally exciting point during the date.
Now it’s important to note: you’re entirely allowed to prioritize sex in what you’re looking for when you’re dating. There’s nothing wrong with “just wanting sex”, or making sex a priority in your relationship. People are sexual beings; we have sex for many reasons, including “sometimes we just want to f--k”. It’s far more important to be dating someone who wants the same things as you – or similar enough things, anyway – than to try to subsume your actual desires because you think it’s “inappropriate” or bad. It’s actually worse to try to shove that down and de-prioritize it (again, assuming it’s a high priority for you) in the name of wanting to seem “better” somehow. It’s far worse to find out the person you’ve been seeing has been dating you just to get you in bed and has no other interest than it is for them to say “we want different things, so I don’t think we’re a good fit. Best of luck to you.”
Similarly, you’re allowed to end relationships if the sex isn’t working or if they’re on an entirely different schedule than you in terms of intimacy. Some people will think it’s s--tty, but honestly, it’s far better to end it sooner than later. This way neither of you wastes the other’s time – time that could be used to find someone who is more compatible with you.
If someone wants to wait past a point that you’re willing to, or for conditions that you don’t want or agree to, then you’re well within your rights to end the relationship and move on. It’s far better to find someone who’s on the same page as you in terms of priorities than to either wait it out longer than you’d prefer or try to change their mind.
As for your last question: look, I’m of the opinion of “it ain’t dumb if it works.” But whether it works… that’s another question. The idea that porn somehow hijacks the brain is both unscientific and ahistorical; it both misunderstands how the brain works and pretends that until we invented motion pictures, sex was an entirely private activity conducted behind closed doors. In reality, for much of human history, sex wasn’t nearly as private or hidden away; even once we started settling in place instead of being nomadic hunter/gatherers, there was very little in the way of privacy when everyone lived in one room huts and homes.
Similarly, as soon as humanity reached the stage of abstract reasoning and representation, we started scrawling dicks and boobs and making representations of naked people and people f--king. Those Renaissance paintings of the various gods and goddesses, nymphs and satyrs? The various famous nude portraits and paintings of odalisques, reclining nudes weren’t seen as “acceptable, classy artistic nudes”, they were porn – paintings to be hidden away in someone’s private rooms, not prominently on display. Hell, Manet’s Le Déjeuner Sur l’Herbe was a scandal when it was debuted and was rejected from the famous Paris Salon.
The point I’m making here is that if you find it helpful to refrain from masturbating or watching porn before you go out to meet people, then great. Other folks find that they don’t feel as pressured or desperate if they rub one out before they go out and about and are able to be a little more clear-headed.
By all means, refrain if you feel like it gives you a bit of an edge or some motivation. But keep in mind that the desire to do things “the easy way” and never take risks isn’t about how much you have or haven’t cranked it. But porn or masturbation isn’t so detrimental as that it would make everyone hermit up if it was strictly controlled, no matter what the no-fap folks say. Having to wrestle with the desire to do things the easy way, to stay in and not take the risks of rejection has more to do with your own psychology, unfamiliarity and a discomfort with being uncomfortable than anything inherent to porn “hijacking” parts of your brain for no reward.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com