DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in my early thirties and have trouble telling if someone is interested in me. Over the years, it has led to many awkward and embarrassing situations where I either come on too strong because I feel a guy is interested in me (and isn’t), or I am oblivious to any attraction and confused by feelings I didn’t know were there.
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I think a mutual acquaintance (he is my age) is interested in me, but I’m not sure, and I found myself in an embarrassing situation once again. He frequents my job during his lunch hour at least once a week. Although I find him attractive, I’ve never treated him more than just a customer as I didn’t think feelings would be reciprocated. I don’t try to talk with him, but I am friendly when he comes in my line to pay. Otherwise, I ignore him when I see him in the store.
But, within the last year, I started feeling he was interested in me. At first, he told me I looked lonely when he came through my line. As many customers say this, I just shrugged it off as if he was being a jerk. But then I noticed every time I’d see him in the store, he would smile at me. I thought he was just being friendly and didn’t acknowledge him, but it kept happening, and I started developing feelings for him.
I tried to test the waters and strike up a conversation by saying hi one time; he did say hi, but I got cold feet and walked away. He disappeared for a while after that, but when I saw him again, the smiling continued. I also noticed he would try to approach me a few times but walk away when I turned toward him. Just recently, he came through my line to pay but then went into the next line when asked by the cashier. However, as he was leaving, he smiled at me. I waved at him while he was leaving. I’m so embarrassed now and I haven’t seen him since. How do I handle this situation? Do you think he’s being friendly, or he is interested? A guy friend when I was younger told me that just because a guy talks to you doesn’t mean he’s interested, but why would he keep doing this if he isn’t interested? We have no other reason to talk to each other as we don’t hang out in the same social circle. He just knows he works with some people I know.
Here’s Your Sign
DEAR HERE’S YOUR SIGN: You know, I get a fair number of people who want to know how to flirt with women who’re working, whether behind the counter at various bars, stores or restaurants or what-have-you. It’s not very often that I get a letter from the women behind said counters wanting to know whether to try flirting with one of the customers.
This is one of those times when it’s a little hard to tell just what the guy is thinking. Your friend is right: just because someone’s being social doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily flirting. This is as true for men as it is for women, even if men are more likely to shoot their shot regardless of circumstance (or even obvious lack of interest). However, guys who’re determined to hit on someone are usually not quite as low key as the person you’re describing.
You don’t mention what sort of store you work in, so it’s hard to gauge whether his frequent visits are attempts to see you or a happy coincidence that he can snag things he needs and say hey at the same time. If this isn’t the sort of place where someone’s likely to just stop in on impulse or because they’re picking up bits and bobs, then those repeated visits might be a hint that he’s going out of his way to see you. And even if it is the kind of place where folks make regular stops, he could be picking your store because a friend of a friend works there and it’s always nice to see a friendly face.
I think there’s a good chance that he’s just trying to be nice, especially if you two have mutual friends. You know each other well enough to nod at when you see each other, and it’d be weird if he didn’t at least acknowledge that he saw you. But I think he’s likely feeling more than a little hesitant to do more than smile and wave seeing as you shot him down the first time and continued to ignore him when he’d greet you. Giving a guy the cold shoulder is going to send a pretty unmistakable “not interested” and there’s only so many times a person will reach out if they’re getting nothing back. Even if that reaching out is a friendly smile and a wave. If he was interested in flirting with you, I think you shut him down hard enough and repeated enough that he’s hesitant to do more than just smile. Even when you walked up to say “hi” and then just turned on your heel and walked off… that’s not exactly saying “I think you’re cute, give me your number.”
Yeah, you were feeling shy and awkward, but taken in combination with the other times you’ve basically ignored him, he would be forgiven for thinking that you’re not that interested. So if you are hoping that maybe there’s more behind that smile than “hey, friend of a friend!”, you’re going to do a pretty significant pivot in the way you’ve been behaving around him. As it is, you’ve been giving customer-service-only vibes and it sounds to me like that this is where he’s landed in terms of how to behave around you.
But that’s admittedly me making a guess. The only person who really knows what’s going on in his head is, frankly, him. So if you want to know what’s going on, you’d have to ask him. Though, quite frankly, the next time he comes in, I think you’d do better to smile and say “hey, haven’t seen you in a bit, how’s it going?” and see how he responds. Start making some polite small talk (as much as you can, when you’re on the clock, anyway) and see where things go. If you give a friendlier, more-interested-in-chatting vibe, I think you’d at least have a better chance of finding out whether he’s being friendly or if he’s interested in a little more.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com