DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend told me that she doesn’t want to exchange gifts this year. She lost her job due to Covid-19 and I think she is feeling really down. I really want to cheer her up and get her something really special, but I know her. I know she will be upset with me because she will feel bad that she couldn’t get me anything. How can I make it so she enjoys the holiday? —SECRET SANTA

DEAR SECRET SANTA: While I admire your intentions, buying her something after she specifically asked you not to may only make her feel worse about her financial situation. Instead, why not enjoy an activity together? If it’s safe to do so, maybe a couples’ massage? Or you could do something that is free, like baking cookies and watching a classic holiday movie together. Find what she loves and then turn it into something you can enjoy together. The quality time means more than any object ever could, and a heartfelt letter or card could be the perfect bow tying it all together. (I had to find a way to put a holiday pun in there somehow!) 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently started dating this guy and everything seemed to be going great until we got on the touchy subject of homosexuality and gay marriage. I support marriage equality. What worried me was the way he explained his position...basically by using “f--” in every other sentence and degrading the gay community. It disgusted me. He said some pretty awful things. I started yelling and he started yelling…it didn’t end well. We are supposed to have dinner this weekend. But, how can I date someone that is homophobic? I really liked this one! Ugh! Any advice? —ONE LOVE

DEAR ONE LOVE: Walk away. The idea that he would be against marriage equality in 2020 only makes me wonder what other phobias and -isms he is hiding. Using homophobic slurs so openly also makes me think that this isn’t someone who could be reasoned with easily. People can say what they want, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences to actions. You are allowed to have boundaries. It just comes down to how much effort you want to put into having someone recognize that people unlike himself have a right to exist without being harassed or degraded. You can disagree about a lot of things—but when it comes to human rights, there’s no right or left—just right or wrong. Find someone who respects people and uplifts them. Not only will he make for a better partner, but you won’t be embarrassed to bring him around your friends and family, someday, either.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My fiancé’s ex-wife has their kids for Thanksgiving and we are supposed to get them the day after, but now I don’t know if we should. She is having a big Thanksgiving party, and we have told her that we don’t want the kids around all of those people with COVID-19 raging on. She doesn’t seem to care. We are concerned that either one of the kids will get sick or--at the very least--be carriers and then infect someone else. How do we deal with this without causing World War Three? —HOLIDAY MESS

DEAR HOLIDAY MESS: This is a really tough one because of the delicate dynamics of blended families. On the one hand, you could ask to switch days with her and have the kids at your house for the holiday. You could then send them over to her house a day or two after Thanksgiving. But if the ex-wife was exposed to COVID at the party, it won’t make much of a difference if she’s around her children one or two days after. You could also ask her to self-quarantine with her children for two weeks after Thanksgiving. But, considering how she doesn’t seem to care about COVID, why would she be willing to do something that she’ll most likely perceive as extreme? The other option is to tell her that you are willing to have the kids stay with you on Thanksgiving and for a few weeks after to make sure she doesn’t have any symptoms. This isn’t full proof, either. Really, the only safe choice is to cancel Thanksgiving gatherings and just have Thanksgiving with the immediate family. This really speaks to the larger narrative of people not being willing to think outside themselves. The seeds of self-centeredness have been sown from the top down. All that you can do is protect your family as best you can. If that means talking with your fiancé about trying to have the kids out of that environment for the holiday, then do it. This is a public safety issue. She risks her kids not being able to be around their father for at least two weeks after this holiday because of her irresponsible decision. Is that what she really wants?   

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have recently separated. We were together almost 10 years and married for six when I discovered he has been having an affair. I am devastated. He told me he cheated because I had “let myself go” after we had our baby two years ago. He is right. I found myself overwhelmed and put myself last. What’s worse, we were trying to have a second child when I found out about his affair. So, I feel hopeless, helpless and defeated. He’s now trying to win me back, but I feel terrible about what happened between us. Do you think I should work on our marriage knowing that we have a small child or should I give up? And on top of it all, we are in the middle of the holiday season and a pandemic. I’m not exactly sure about how I feel about leaving right now. —OVERWHELMED MOM

DEAR OVERWHELMED MOM: I am so sorry you that are experiencing such pain and heartache right now. I’m sure you are not alone in feeling trapped in a relationship that you are unsure of continuing during this challenging time. What concerns me about your husband’s affair is the flippant attitude he displayed when you confronted him. “You let yourself go,” is a mean-spirited and cruel thing to say to a vulnerable new mom. Writing that “you agree” only reinforces the idea that he has said hurtful things before. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing verbal abuse and that you have a husband who has disrespected the sanctity of your marriage. Knowing all of that, it is hard for me to suggest that you try and work things out with him. But if you believe that he would really be open to going to therapy with you and on his own, then there could be a sliver of hope for your marriage. I suggest that you go to therapy on your own, regardless, as well. It would be an opportunity for you to work through some of the things that he has done and said to you. Once you have a better sense of self, you might be able to make a decision that honors and uplifts you.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My husband is a big holiday person. He is already getting the tree out of the attic and wants the whole family together for Thanksgiving. I am not comfortable having 25 people over this year, especially because a lot of his family leans right and some of them aren’t taking Covid-19 seriously at all. I tried to explain to him that this is not the year for a big gathering, and that we need to think about this sensibly. We got into a big argument and he told me that the holidays are actually more important than ever. How do I get him to understand the risks? We both have elderly parents (in their 80s) and I don’t want to put anyone in harm’s way. Thoughts? —NO THANKS

DEAR NO THANKS: I’m with you on this one. I know people are disappointed. But as a nation, we haven’t laid the groundwork all year to have a safe holiday season with one another. The rational and responsible thing to do is to keep our holiday gatherings small this year and Zoom with our loved ones, instead. I appreciate your husband wanting to cheer everyone up. No one is stopping him from decorating, playing holiday music or movies, or baking cookies to send to family and friends. But, gathering is the wrong move right now. If you look at data from other countries like Canada--who recently celebrated their Thanksgiving--the Covid-19 numbers spiked shortly thereafter. Share that information with him. Remind him of your elderly parents and his parents. Remind him that there is no vaccine available to the masses yet. Remind him that the numbers of Covid-19 are not just high, but spiraling out of control in the United States. Share your thoughts on alternatives that are safe and still inclusive. You can now play games via Zoom, too, so encourage everyone to join in on some virtual fun. He would feel absolutely terrible if this holiday gathering led to someone getting sick or worse. Until there is a safe and free vaccine available and the number of infections decline significantly because people start taking this seriously, our holidays won’t be the same. Put your foot down. This is about something bigger than ourselves. 

DEAR NATALIE: My family dynamics are complicated and I am particularly not looking forward to the holiday season this year. I really have no interest in seeing either of my parents. We don’t see eye to eye on anything and I don’t want tension. I also started seeing someone this past year and we are getting serious. She is really upset that I don’t want to introduce her to my parents over the holidays and is assuming it’s because she thinks that I’m not ready to commit. That’s not the case. In fact, I’m worried that if she meets them and sees how terrible they are, she won’t want to be with me. How can I convince her that skipping the holidays with my family is the best thing to do? —NO FAMILY TIME IS THE BEST TIME

DEAR NO FAMILY TIME IS THE BEST TIME: You need to just tell her what you told me. Just be completely honest, transparent and vulnerable with her about this. You don’t have to reveal all of the details of why you are estranged from your family, but tell her something so that she understands and empathizes with you. People seem to assume that everyone gets along with their parents--but not everyone does. Family dynamics can be incredibly tricky during the holiday season. You are allowed to take a break and this is the year to do it. No one should really be gathering this holiday season, as I said in the above question, so use that as a reason to sit this one out. In the meantime, take this opportunity to get to know your girlfriend better by sharing with her whatever you feel comfortable disclosing about your family. As an adult, you have the ability now to choose who you want to spend time with. You are no longer beholden to people who are hurtful or cause harm in any way. Give yourself the gift of peace this season. If your girlfriend is in tune with you, she then can be free to support you in the ways in which you need.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci