DEAR NATALIE: Years ago, my father and I had a big blow out fight when I came out to him as trans. My mom died when I was small and it was always just my dad and me. He was a great dad to me. I think he always knew that I was “different,” but when I told him the truth when I was 24, he basically disowned me. Five years later, he has started to call me and send me letters, begging for my forgiveness. He is sick now, and I think he realizes how wrong he was to do what he did. My wife thinks that I should make amends with him, as we are expecting our first child together. I can't help but want him back in my life, but I have no idea how to begin the healing process. I am still so deeply hurt by him.  —MAKE IT RIGHT

DEAR MAKE IT RIGHT: If you want to make amends, this is the moment to do so. Your dad’s illness is a turning point for him in recognizing his own mortality. He most likely feels remorse, shame and regret for cutting you off. Often, when grief is not expressed constructively, it becomes anger. He may have just not understood what having a child who identifies as transgender meant. He may not have been ready to accept it. It doesn't condone his behavior or how he treated you. I am so sorry he couldn’t see beyond himself and center you in this. But I do believe in second chances. If he seems genuinely sorry and truly wants to embrace fully who you are, it may be a positive thing for you both. After losing your mother, it sounds as though you and your father had a close bond. Maybe you won’t have that relationship again, but perhaps you can build something even better now that there is a different level of honesty between you. If he is willing to educate himself, act with compassion towards you and your family, accept you for who you are and love you for who you are, then it might be worth exploring. Life is short and a chance you have to mend fences with your dad is a chance worth taking. You will know right away if he is genuine or not. It starts with a phone call, a letter, or a visit. Do whatever you feel comfortable doing. Involve a therapist if you think mediation will help. Your dad has to meet you where you are, on your terms. I applaud you for being willing to forgive him and take a step towards healing while you still have time. 

DEAR NATALIE: My brother and I were always close growing up. Over the years, he has become paranoid and invests too much time into reading QAnon theories and other conspiracies. This past week really showed his true colors because he sympathized with the people who stormed our Capitol. My family is beside themselves and my sister says we have to cut him off. I don't know what to do. There is no reasoning with him. I love him and I don’t want to cut him off. What should we do? —Q RIPPING US APART

DEAR Q RIPPING US APART: While you can’t control what your family members each individually decide to do, you can control how you engage with your brother. It isn’t easy to try and pull someone from the clutches of conspiracy theories. We all know that if they are down this rabbit hole, it can feel like your friend or relative is a lost cause.  You really can’t talk someone out of this stuff. Instead, try a different approach. Offer to switch “research” with them. They have to read something you bring to them and you offer to read something that they give to you. At least this way, you can open the door for dialogue and perhaps poke a few holes, weakening their arguments. It may plant a seed. In any case, my fear is that if your family cuts off your brother, he will only isolate further. Engage with your brother and help pull him away from those discussions by setting ground rules when you are together about what you will and will not discuss.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my 94-year-old grandfather to Covid-19 and I am really bitter about it. He was in good health and did not live in a nursing home. I say this because I am so sick of people acting like just because they were old that they were going to die anyway. I am hurt and horrified at how we treat the elderly in this country. Some of my family is also upsetting me about this because they are anti-maskers and do not want to admit that wearing a mask saves lives. Even after this. I have all of these feelings and I don’t know how to process them. I’m also seeing more and more of my friends losing family to Covid-19. It’s really starting to hit home for a lot of people. How can we handle not only our own grief but then be there for friends who are also suffering? —COVID-19 HITTING HOME

DEAR COVID-19 HITTING HOME: I have said it before and i’ll say it again: This whole country has been experiencing collective grief. And when we don’t acknowledge grief, it can take other forms, like anger or despair. The fact that your family is still in denial about the importance of wearing masks may seem mind boggling, but this denial is how they are protecting themselves because they refuse to acknowledge reality. They haven’t tapped into their grief. Now, with it hitting so close to home, they are even more defensive about their choices than before. All that you can do is to continue to protect yourself and your family as best you can by practicing social distancing, wearing a mask whenever you are in public or around people outside of your household, and washing your hands. In terms of your own experience with grieving the loss of your grandfather while also simultaneously feeling anger and bitterness towards the situation at large, just lean into it. You can hold two feelings at once. You can both honor him and feel frustration around the circumstances of his death. My one mentor used to say to me: “If you want to heal it, you have to feel it.” So allow yourself grace and space in this situation. Allow yourself room to grieve, room to feel all of it. You owe yourself that. There is no circumventing the intensity of all of this. None of this is normal. My fear is that everything related to Covid-19 will become normalized. We should never normalize this. We should never accept this as “just the way it is.” These deaths were preventable and your anger and bitterness are understandable. But my hope for you is that you find someone to talk to, like a therapist, where you can work through these feelings and not have to carry them around. The healing can start from there. Once you are in a better place, you can be present for your friends experiencing their own grief and loss, too. 

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I live together and things haven’t been great between us. I broke things off before Covid-19 but she threatened to harm herself. We got back together and now live with each other. I lost a parent recently and have experienced other personal setbacks. I find myself using them as reasons as to why we can’t go to the next level. She would like to marry, but I am reluctant to do that because of her past. I am not even sure that I love her, but I feel obligated to take care of her right now. I am not sure what to do, but I am truly unhappy and don’t want to live like this forever. —PROLONGED MISERY

DEAR PROLONGED MISERY: You have to honor what you want and need from a life partner. The longer you ignore your feelings, the more resentment, hostility and frustration will build up around this. If you bottle all of this, you may just explode at some point and say things that you’ll regret. You have to be honest with yourself and with her. I’m not saying to drop her immediately, but I think both of you should go to counseling together and discuss what has happened. It clearly weighs on you and is preventing you from moving forward in your life. Being duty bound may seem noble, but really it means you are constantly putting someone’s needs ahead of your own and that isn’t sustainable. Own your feelings. Own where you are. Let the chips fall where they may. You both deserve to find partners that bring out the best in you. It’s not always enough to just survive; you are allowed to thrive.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I have been seeing this new guy for about a month now and he has already told me that he isn’t seeing anyone else. He wanted to know if I am seeing anyone else. We haven’t even met in person yet because of Covid-19. We mostly just talk over FaceTime and text throughout the day. He’s nice. I like him, but I am talking to other people. I told him the truth, and now he is mad at me. Was I wrong? What do I do now? —FREE BIRD

DEAR FREE BIRD: If he’s acting this possessive now, what would he be like in person? I give this one a hard pass. No thanks. You told him the truth, which was the right thing to do. He had no right to be angry with you, and the fact that he was is a big red flag to me. I would lose his number. Who wants to see where that road leads? Trust me, it won’t lead anywhere good. If you decide to give him one more chance, however, I would tell him that his reaction was alarming, unnecessary and made you feel uncomfortable. If he doesn’t apologize or show you that he won’t act that way again, lose his number. If he realizes that he was out of bounds and starts treating you like a person and not an object to possess, that’s great. Just remember, love is not control.

DEAR NATALIE: Normally I am very excited around the new year approaching. I have made vision boards in the past, I have thrown parties to celebrate the new year, and I have always focused on my goals, picking up new hobbies to try. But, this year, I want to do nothing. I don’t want to celebrate, I don’t want to plan, I don’t want to do anything. My friends are worried about me, they say that I’ve been acting depressed. They are right. I am depressed. I’m scared for the future and scared for what’s next. If I don’t make any plans, then I can be disappointed. That’s what I keep telling myself. But my husband is encouraging me to have a (very small) dinner with a few of our close friends on New Year’s Eve. I have no energy. How do I get out of this funk? I don’t want to be like this but I feel very down about the world. —NO NEW YEAR

DEAR NO NEW YEAR: The idea that everyone should just pretend that nothing has changed and carry on like they would any other year is delusional, insensitive and irresponsible. It is completely fine for you to decide to sit this one out. There is no law that says you have to participate in any of these festivities, even if you have in the past. It is fine if you don’t feel like planning for the future right now. For a lot of people, just surviving the present moment is enough. Give yourself some grace, some space and some time to digest everything that is happening. If you find that months from now you still feel exactly the same way and it is inhibiting you from your living, then reach out to a therapist for support. But in this moment, in the right here right now; curl up on your couch with a good book or a movie and take this time to heal, to grieve and to reflect. It is OK to just be. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci