DEAR NATALIE: Is it wrong to meet up with a friend of the opposite sex for a drink ... and not tell my husband? My old friend from college is coming into town and we want to get together for a drink. I (think) he used to have a crush on me back in the day — and I always thought he was cute — but I am happily married. I would like to see him, but I don’t want to create any waves at home. I was thinking of just going and not mentioning it to my husband. My girlfriend told me this is a bad idea. I don’t know what to do. What do you think? —JUST A DRINK

DEAR JUST A DRINK: I guess the question you have to ask yourself is that if there is nothing between you, then what is the big deal in telling your husband that you are meeting for a casual get together? Maybe switch it to coffee — not a drink — while you’re at it. If you really just want to catch up and reminisce together, I would take it out of the shadows and into the light of day. If you really think your husband would be upset with you, then ask yourself why? Is he a jealous person?  Is this a deeper issue than just meeting a friend? Does he get like this with everyone? Or is this more about the fact that you don’t want to deal with any underlying feelings about your friend from college? Whatever is going on, you need to be honest with yourself. If this has nothing to do with your husband and has more to do with your own emotions, then look at that more closely. It’s OK to fantasize about old relationships or friendships from the past, but you just don’t want to get stuck there. Sometimes, it’s better to see these things for what they are and not through rose-colored glasses. After being cooped up with our spouses, the idea of seeing other people can be exciting post-Covid, but just make sure you aren’t putting expectations on this encounter. Keep it friendly and keep it sober. 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my father to Covid. While he and my mother had a challenging relationship at times, they were married for thirty-four years. Well, my mom has already started dating. When I told her that I thought it was kind of ridiculous that she would jump back into the dating pool so soon, she got angry with me and said that I should mind my own business. That was almost three weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since. Where do we go from here? —STRAINED LOYALTY

DEAR STRAINED LOYALTY: Grief is a very personal journey. I have read that when people who were in happy relationships lose their partner, they can be quick to move onto another to recreate that experience. Perhaps your mom is feeling this way. Perhaps she doesn’t like to be alone. Maybe dealing in silence with her grief is too much and she needs a distraction. Maybe she wasn’t as happy as you perceived her to be and she feels as though she has a new lease on life. Coupling all of that with the fact that Covid took so many lives this past year in the United States alone, it is no wonder that people are acting out. Our collective grief for so many things we have lost along with her personal grief may be making her feel out of sorts. Instead of judging her, why not ask her what she needs. In fact, what do you need? Your anger could be  misdirected at your mom when in fact you may be really angry over the death of your father. Anger is completely normal and reasonable to feel when grieving. You may want to consult with a therapist to help work through some of these difficult and layered emotions. In the meantime, call your mom. Tell her how you feel. Let her know that you love her and that you miss your dad. It is OK to feel two things at once. You can want your mom to be happy and also be sad that she is moving forward. It doesn’t mean she has forgotten your dad or loves him any less. She just may need different things than you need during this process. You can hold both in sacredness.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: I have been having an affair for about three years with a married man from my office and I am sick of the mind games he has been playing with me. He always talks to me about leaving his wife but he has yet to separate. I am tired of being “the other woman” and just want to be able to be together without all of the drama. I have threatened to tell his wife if he doesn’t do something. I am giving him two more weeks to let her know and then I am going to let her know what is going on. He is panicking. I don’t think he realizes that I am serious. What do you think I should do? I am sick of this and want to move forward with our life together. He promised me he would leave her. Any insight as to how I can get him to do something? —TIRED OF THE SECRETS

DEAR TIRED OF THE SECRETS: Isn’t this a tale as old as time? How many men really leave their wives — seriously? I want you to reevaluate why you are wasting your time dating a married man. Even if he left his wife, someone that is capable of being this duplicitous is going to behave like that with everyone in his life — yes, including you. Why would you want to build a life with someone who has so little regard for the people around him? Don’t make this worse than it needs to be. Just walk away. If he wants to live a life of lies, then let him find someone else to do that with. You won’t win in this scenario. If you did reach out to his wife, it would most likely make her turn on you. Who knows? He may then decide he wants to stay in his marriage, or they may divorce. Then he may be resentful that you blew up this perfect little world of having his cake and eating it, too. Find your own path. In fact, I would consider therapy to dig deep into understanding why you would put yourself in this kind of situation. What kind of partner do you want and what kind of partner do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be independent of a partner? You have some work to do. And he sounds like a lost cause. Let him go and move on. You cannot build a house on sand. 

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend is being so shady and I think she is cheating on her partner but I am not sure. She doesn’t talk about her relationship very much, but her wife is a really decent person that everyone gets along with. My friend has been taking all of these “solo trips” recently. She said it’s because Covid had her going crazy in the house and she needed time alone, but I talked with our mutual friend and they think she is cheating with random people that she is meeting online. I love her so much and just want her to be happy, and I’m really annoyed that she hasn’t clued me in with what is going on. Should I confront her about this? Not sure what to do? Any advice would be helpful. —SHADY LADY

DEAR SHADY LADY: Regardless of what your bestie is doing, I have one question to ask: Why are you so concerned? This sounds like an issue between herself and her wife. The worst thing you can do is meddle and get caught in the middle. Your best friend will be angry that you are inquiring into something that she clearly wants to keep private, and you could end up ruining your friendship. It sounds as though you are annoyed that she hasn’t clued you in because there is this level of entitlement into her private life that you feel as though you are owed. I hate to break it to you, but people have secrets. Sometimes a lot of them. Now whether or not this disappoints you is one thing, but you can’t force her to explain herself or force her into sharing something that she isn’t interested or willing to divulge. The other thing to take into consideration is the fact that this is all hearsay. You have no idea if any of this is actually true or if it is just gossip. Instead, just try to be there for your friend. When and if she is ready to share, keep an open heart and mind until you find out exactly what is going on.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: I recently got engaged after waiting a long time for my boyfriend to propose. We went to look at rings the other day and I found one that I really liked. It was a bit out of his price range. I told him I wanted that specific ring. He turned to me and said, “If you want that ring, you need to buy it yourself.” It turned into a big argument in the store. I was mortified that he would say that to me. I should not have to buy my own ring, and he never should have said that to me. What should I do? He has shown me options of what he can afford and I don’t want them. So now what? —BRING ME THE BLING

DEAR BRING ME THE BLING: It is concerning that there seems to be a disconnect for you between the ring and the future marriage. This isn’t about the size of a gemstone. This is about a promise made between two people to stand by each other through thick and through thin. The ring is a symbol of that promise. If you’re already starting out with conditions on the ring, then it follows that there will be conditions on that promise, as well. I would take a step back and look at the bigger picture here. Do you want to start your marriage with this level of financial stress? Recognize that starting a new phase of a relationship where someone may be in debt may set you up for unrealistic expectations moving forward. He may also feel resentful, as well. Instead, I would suggest that you approach this collaboratively. If there is a ring that you want that is out of his price range, offer to chip in to make up the difference. If you aren’t willing or able to do that, then you may need to decide what is more important: This specific ring or your relationship. If you can’t find a way to compromise now, how do you expect to do so when life throws you real curveballs? And spoiler alert: It will.

DEAR NATALIE: Because of the pandemic, my husband and I experienced some major financial turmoil this year. We are both now working multiple jobs to make ends meet -- and some months they still don’t -- which leaves us very little time to see each other. There is just one day a week where we do find a little time together, but the household chores pile up. We just need a break and there isn’t one. What can we do to connect with one another? This is really taking a toll on our relationship. —PANDEMIC SPIRAL

DEAR PANDEMIC SPIRAL: I appreciate you reaching out to me and being so honest and candid about your experience during the pandemic. Many of our friends and neighbors continue to struggle to put food on the table during this challenging time with little to no support. Stagnating wages have also contributed to systemic issues including poverty that could be remedied but haven’t been to this point. I say all of this because so often people are told to “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” or to “work harder.” It is not always so easy or so simple. I see you and acknowledge your struggle. Having to work multiple jobs is exhausting and then to not see your partner on top of that would be depressing. As for the household chores — let them pile up. If it is a choice between dishes in this sink or taking a few hours to unwind and watch a movie together, choose that instead. Any moment you can cherish, take it. I would also try to sit down and look at your schedules together. Is there a chance that you could get someone to change shifts with you so that you can open up a window of time to rest or be together? If you think someone at work might be able to, it could be worth asking. Also, while so many jobs are paid hourly and therefore don’t include vacation, personal or sick days, if there is an opportunity to take a paid day off, see if you can coordinate it with your partner. If you can’t afford to take a day off or that isn’t an option, then look for those pockets of time where you can be together until you can figure out your next steps.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci