DEAR NATALIE: I appreciate reading your great advice. Now I need some. My husband "Lou" died last month. He left behind a wife (me) and two college-aged kids. He also has a 32-year-old son "Colin" from a brief marriage long before we met. I developed a good and friendly rapport with his ex, "Lydia.” She is a little bit of a hippie. It seemed like she would listen to me when I would present Lou's ideas for their son's care — like taking him to the doctor for an ear infection or not blaming the teacher for his bad grade. Colin has been in and out of trouble for years. Think crashing on couches because his "crazy" roommate spent the rent or getting arrested because his ex "set him up." Lou was a self-made guy and refused to bail Colin out. Lydia has blown through a medium- sized inheritance on Colin's follies. It has been clear to everyone but Lydia that Colin has a substance abuse problem. Colin visited two years ago when my oldest turned 21. They went out to celebrate "his first legal drink." My son came home in an Uber around 10 p.m., saying that Colin was trying to bully him into alcohol poisoning.  Colin came home around 4 a.m. that night and slept on the porch. I was nervous about Colin visiting this year, but Lou said it would be good to have the family together. Plus, we just wouldn't keep booze in the house. Well, that didn't work. He was drunk at our house for three long days until Lou blew up at him and Colin called Lydia to come and get him. Lydia and I got into an argument when she arrived. I told her she was an enabler and if she spent any more money on Colin, then it should be on rehab. Colin called Lou later that night, drunk. The stress of the call gave Lou a heart attack. He died at the hospital. I don't want to have anything to do with Colin or Lydia. I'd feel this way if Lou was alive. Now, Lydia is claiming that Colin is no longer drinking and wants to plan a "family Christmas." This is nuts! I do not believe for one minute that Colin magically cured himself of the demons that have plagued him for over a decade. Lydia is texting me about family unity. Colin is texting me, saying I have turned his siblings against him. I want to give my kids and myself space to grieve without the drama. Do I just quit responding to them?  — I NEED PEACE

DEAR I NEED PEACE: Let me first start by offering my condolences. This sounds like it has been an incredibly difficult time for you and your family. You are allowed to have boundaries. You do not owe Colin or Lydia anything. If Colin wants to have a relationship with his siblings, then he has to earn back their trust and respect. He needs to take inventory of the choices that he has made to this point. I recognize the disease of addiction. I recognize that he is also hurting. The best thing Colin can do in hopes to have a future relationship with you and his siblings is take care of himself in a meaningful way. And you are right — that won’t happen overnight. This is going to be a lifelong battle for your stepson. He clearly has shown no remorse for what has happened and saying that you have “lured” his grown siblings away is ridiculous. They are old enough to see what is going on and have experienced it for themselves. I am so sorry that he is going through this, but setting boundaries is healthier for everyone. If he wants to be in your life, then certain expectations need to be set. You are allowed to sit with your anger. You are allowed to grieve your husband without Lydia and Colin around. You are allowed to block them on your phone. You are allowed to take as much time as you need to rebuild and see where you are down the road. Colin may want to be in your life but that doesn’t mean you are obligated to accommodate him. I recommend that you reach out for support, too, so that you can better understand this disease and how to be of help should you someday choose to be. Let him walk his own path for a while, and maybe in the future if and when he is in a healthier place, you can come back together again. 

DEAR NATALIE: My mom and dad have been divorced for years and can’t even be in the same room together. My dad often cheated on my mom when we were kids. Finally she had enough and left him. Well, she left us behind, too. Dad did the best he could, but he had four daughters and it wasn’t easy for him. I was 15 at the time — the oldest — and took care of my sisters like a mother. Fast forward: I’m 31 now and engaged to be married. My sisters are my best friends and are all going to be in my wedding party. I’m also having my dad walk me down the aisle. My mom is very angry about this. She said he doesn’t “deserve to do that” and that “she should be the one to walk me.” She is lucky to be invited. I didn’t tell her that, but leaving us caused real strain on our relationship. I love my mom, but how do I get her to understand that I am choosing to have him walk me down the aisle because I love him, too? She is threatening not to come to the wedding if he is there. I’m sad and at a loss. I want both my parents there during this very special time in my life, but she is making it all about her.

—MOMZILLA

DEAR MOMZILLA: Congratulations on your engagement! You are right, this should be a fun and exciting time in your life. I am sorry to hear that your mom is centering herself in this situation. Sounds as though she has never actually dealt with her relationship with your father and is now trying to take it out on you. While we hope that our parents take care of us, sometimes we are forced into the role of parenting them. Your mother needs to understand that this is your special day. If she can’t accept that your father is walking you down the aisle, then she can either come for the reception or not at all. Not sure what game she is trying to play here, but I wouldn’t indulge it. Now, having said that, it’s important to have empathy for her, as well. She clearly hasn’t been able to grieve her marriage or work on her own issues around it. I feel for her, but this is not your fault. Set up boundaries so that you can enjoy your wedding day. Do what makes you feel joyful in this moment, and hopefully she will realize that this is one experience she doesn’t want to miss.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend recently had an affair with a co-worker that lasted for maybe a year. I'm not sure of the details because he won't be totally honest with me. I'm hoping that he will eventually provide those details in therapy, as I need transparency in order to possibly move towards forgiveness. The infidelity was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm struggling severely in dealing with his infidelity and have considered leaving the relationship more times than I can count. I feel a pain that I cannot quell. The betrayal has broken my spirit, hardened my heart and produced insecurities that I didn't even know I had. My anxiety is through the roof! Every time he leaves the house, I'm wondering if he's cheating. Every phone call or text message he gets, I'm wondering who's on the other line. I hate who I've become because of his betrayal. In fact, I don't think I know who I am anymore. The old me would never have even considered being with a man who cheated. I'm violating my own boundaries and it really upsets me. I'm disgusted by his touch and I don't know how I'm going to be able to have sex with him again. Our bond has been broken and I know that it will never be the same. If we are to move forward, I think that professional help is needed. We stopped having sex about a year ago, which I think was part of the reason why he cheated. But that doesn't by any means excuse his behavior. Our communication is one-sided, meaning that I do all of the talking. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, probably due to growing up in an abusive household and in a religious cult. He's also a chronic liar. It's actually quite amazing. I had no idea that people like him even existed. I would actually classify him as a total narcissist. He lies about everything big and small. Even when presented with evidence of his guilt, he'll continue to lie and try to gaslight me. He also has several addictions from soda to cigarettes to porn to gambling. He spent thousands of dollars just in the last 2 months on gambling, which just adds more stress to the relationship. The ONLY reason why I've stayed up to this point is because of some lingering hope. Don't get me wrong, I'm very skeptical about the ability to salvage this relationship. But I'm committed to the process and I think he is too. Through everything, I do love this man. I've invested almost 4 years into this relationship and at the end of the day, we're great friends. I guess what I'm really wondering is should I put any more energy into making this relationship work? I'm beyond tired. I'm overweight (I have put on 50 pounds over the last 2 years), I'm stressed and I'm more depressed than I've ever been. We are scheduled to start couples therapy later this week and we both have individual therapy as well. Should I even go through with the couples therapy? Or is this relationship already at the point of no return?  — EMOTIONALLY DEPLETED

DEAR EMOTIONALLY DEPLETED: Get rid of him. I wouldn’t waste another minute, another thought, another breath on this person. He not only cheated on you, but worse — he lied and treated you terribly. How can you be “great friends” with someone who causes you so much harm? From what you have shared, I don’t see what is worth salvaging. I would bet that once you lose this relationship, you will lose weight, too. Not because you should, but because shedding an unhealthy emotional state will physically manifest itself. You may be surprised how you feel like a new person without him in your life. It can be very scary to let go of the familiar. We may often feel as though we will never find someone ever again. It can be overwhelming to think that you could be alone. But — what if you flipped that idea on its head. What if it is a blessing to stand on your own two feet? What if it is a joy to come home at night to a peaceful space? To embrace yourself and learn about who you are and who you want to be without someone causing trauma and fear? What if you like feeling free? Run towards that curiosity as fast as you can and run away from this toxic man. 

DEAR NATALIE: My family is (mostly) vaccinated but my uncle and aunt refuse to get the shot. I have been going through some major health issues this year and while I want to be with my family, unless they are vaccinated, my doctors don’t want me to take any unnecessary risks. I would still wear a mask around everyone and keep my distance. My brother told them this and they said, “Well, she can just stay home.” Why should I have to stay home? They are the ones putting me in danger. Why can’t they stay home? My brother doesn’t know what to do. He is hosting this year and doesn’t want to cause waves. My mother thinks I should call my uncle and tell him how I feel, but I’m also afraid of causing a war in our family. What do you think I should do? Why should I be the one isolated when they are the ones exhibiting bad behavior? My brother agrees with me, by the way. He just doesn’t want to stand up to them. Thoughts? —NOT A HAPPY HOLIDAY

DEAR NOT A HAPPY HOLIDAY: The holidays can be challenging for some families. I am so sorry that your family is behaving so selfishly. If they don’t want to be vaccinated, that is their choice. But it is your brother’s house. It is his choice to only entertain vaccinated people during the holiday knowing that his sister is immunocompromised. If he is uncomfortable “uninviting” them, what he could do is just invite them for dessert. You could leave at that point and then you wouldn’t have to expose yourself to them and their recklessness. If your brother won’t compromise at all, then unfortunately you will have to decide whether or not you want to see them and sit in another room away from them or not. I don’t know if I would trust them to be respectful of your situation since they don’t seem to care about anyone else but themselves. While I can’t make that decision for you, I would first try to convince your brother to talk with them. It is their decision to remain unvaccinated, but actions have consequences and it is time your brother stands up and draws a line in the sand.  

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her new web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.

DEAR NATALIE: My friend’s wife hit on me the other night. It was just the four of us. My wife loves to cook and she was in the kitchen most of the evening. My friend’s wife drove separately — she was coming from work — and arrived before her husband. When she arrived, she smelled like she had been drinking. I offered her some water and she got really close to me and said, “What else are you offering?” She then started to tell me how her husband — my friend — doesn’t satisfy her. Luckily my wife came into the room with appetizers. Then her husband arrived and she acted like nothing happened. I don’t know if I should tell my wife. I don’t know if I should tell her husband. I don’t know what to do. It was extremely uncomfortable. I told my friend at work and he thought it was funny. I don’t think it’s funny. What do you think I should do? --NO LAUGHING MATTER

DEAR NO LAUGHING MATTER: This is an awkward situation to say the least. Considering she may have been drinking, she may or may not remember saying those things to you. So, if you confront her, she may just turn it around and say that you are lying or that you are trying to come onto her. If she does remember what she said to you, she may just want to forget the whole thing ever happened or blame it on alcohol. I don’t know what kind of dynamic you and your wife have, but you may want to tell her what happened. If she finds out another way, she may be upset that you didn’t say anything. You can preface it by saying: “This happened the other night and I’ve just been trying to process it myself which is why I didn’t tell you sooner…” Then let her now what happened. She may have some insights. Do I think it’s worth telling her husband and blowing up her marriage? No. Not this time. But if it happens again, you may need to pull her aside at that point — when she’s sober! — and find out what is really going on here. No one wants to be in the middle of a marital meltdown, and you shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable. You are allowed to set a boundary.

DEAR NATALIE: Living with my partner during the pandemic brought us to the brink of divorce. We are working through our issues in couples’ therapy, but I don’t think it is really working. Recently, my ex has been reaching out to me, and we went to dinner the other night together. He had dumped me many years ago for his now ex-husband. It was really nice to be back together again. We are in different places than we were when we were younger and the chemistry was still there. He kissed me goodnight and now I feel terrible. I don’t want to cheat on my husband, but I also don’t want to close the door on this new potential chapter. What do you think I should do? —IN LIMBO

DEAR IN LIMBO: You have to be honest with yourself first about what you want. If you don’t want to cheat on your husband, then pump the brakes on seeing your ex until you figure out what it is that you want — or don’t want — from your marriage. If you aren’t interested in staying married, then work through that before you dive headfirst into a new relationship. Even though it was a long time ago, your ex did break your heart once before. Make sure you are looking at this through a lens of clarity and not through rose-colored glasses or nostalgia about what was and what could have been.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Check out her new web series:

“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.