DEAR NATALIE: My daughter and my husband are not speaking right now. She was offered a full ride at a prestigious university and has instead decided to “pursue music.” She wants to move out of state and see if she can “make it” in the industry. My husband and I have always supported her musical talents. She is a gifted songwriter and guitarist. She also sings beautifully. But the idea of throwing away an education at a top university makes no sense to either of us. We are refusing to support her financially if she does this and so she isn’t speaking to my husband at this point and barely speaking to me. How do we convince her that she can get a degree and continue to pursue music in her free time? This opportunity won’t come around again and I’m afraid she’s too young to see that. Any advice? – OUT OF TUNE
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DEAR OUT OF TUNE: As someone who grew up in a household where education was valued and prioritized, I can understand your concerns and frustrations with your daughter wanting to throw away a free ride to college – especially knowing how expensive it is in this country to attend a university. It’s great that she feels so passionately about her music. And while I agree with you that these opportunities may not come around again, she has to make her own choices. You are allowed to set financial boundaries with her, as well. This may be enough to deter her from giving up on a full ride to college completely once she sits with the fact that you both aren’t budging. She could major in music if she wanted. She’d gain valuable insights into her craft and strengthen her resolve to commit to her work. Look at award-winning musician John Legend, for example. He attended the University of Pennsylvania and went on to have a huge career in music. These two things do not have to be mutually exclusive. Hopefully, she will come around to understand that. And if she doesn't’? Wish her the very best and all the success in the world…but you don’t have to financially float her along the way.
DEAR NATALIE: My brother and sister have not been on good terms for a few years and my sister recently died. He’s in total denial about what happened and is blaming me for not telling him that she was so ill. The reality is, I have told him. I’ve told his wife and his kids, too. But anytime I would bring up her name, he would shut me down. How is this my fault? I told him to call our sister. This whole situation was a misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion between them. How do I convince him that I only wanted them to make peace? It’s his guilt that is causing him to lash out, but don’t I deserve time to mourn our sister, too? – MAKE PEACE
DEAR MAKE PEACE: Familial relationships can be difficult to navigate, but your brother made his choices and now he has to live with them. Maybe that sounds cold, but you have your own grief to deal with. He has to come to terms with how things ended. I hope he goes to therapy to unpack why he let this wound between your sister and himself fester for so long. Perhaps this will be a wake up call to not make the same mistake with you. But in any case, he has no right to lash out at you and if he does, cut him off and walk away. You don’t have to take any abusive behavior from anyone – even your brother. If he can’t share how he feels in a constructive way, then take a break from him. Work on your own sense of peace. I am sorry for your loss.
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