DEAR NATALIE: I have a lovely 28-year-old child who is transgender. My child is open about their transition to those who are likely to be supportive, but they’ve asked me to not say anything to those who would start a fight with them, or even worse, a prayer meeting. This means that we have not told their grandparents whom we see only a few times a year. My question is how to refer to them when talking to people who do not know. Using their/them pronouns has been a challenge for me, not because I’m not supportive, but because I’ve used she/her for over 20 years. But, I’m almost at the point where using the correct pronouns is coming naturally. There are a lot of people in my life who know that I have a “daughter” and will ask how “she” is doing. I don’t want to disrespect my kid by using the wrong gender, but I don’t want to out them either. So far, I’ve been using she/her when talking to people, partially to protect my kid and partially because some people are just jerks and I’m not in the mood to put up with the pushback. But, I’m weary from going back and forth between the two pronouns. I suppose a small part of me cares what other people think. I’ve come a long way though, and I’m caring less and less about others’ opinions. Simultaneously, I’m getting more bold about defending the marginalized. With addressing them to others, what is the right thing to do? -SHE/HER MOM of THEY/THEM KID 

DEAR -SHE/HER MOM of THEY/THEM KID: First, I want to applaud you for standing by your child and supporting them during their transition. Coming out as transgender can be challenging for people personally, but it is also politically and physically unsafe in the times we live in. You have a very brave child. When it comes to pronouns and how to address your child to others, follow their lead. Have you asked them how they want to be addressed in casual situations when you are talking with friends? Whatever boundaries they are setting for themselves right now – and those lines may change over time as they feel more comfortable in their identity – ride those waves with them. I have found with the transgender friends I have in my life, just asking them what they want usually clears up a lot of confusion. I had a friend who was not out at work, so I respected that by using the pronouns/name they wanted me to use inside that setting. When they left that job, they told me to please use their preferred pronouns and their new name. Ask your child what they prefer, just like you asked me here. Then, with others, let the chips fall where they may.

DEAR NATALIE: About five years ago, my sister was diagnosed with a variety of health conditions, including a chronic condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Many of these genetic, autoimmune conditions are “invisible” to the average person. Since then, she has lost friendships and coped with those that have ebbed and flowed as her needs have evolved. It pains me to see her being treated differently because she is requesting new accommodations or considerations. Aren’t good friends supposed to love you unconditionally? How do you know which ones are worth fighting for? – SAD FOR SIS

DEAR SAD FOR SIS: Good friends are supposed to love you unconditionally – in theory. But the reality is, people can be selfish. They are busy. They are tired. They don’t always move in the ways we want them to. As your sister adjusts to what she needs from friendships in this new phase of life, not everyone is going to adjust with her. Unfortunately, I have seen this with COVID, as well. Some people who no longer take precautions against this debilitating and deadly virus aren’t always going to vibe with people who still are. I would recommend that your sister lean into the people who are pouring into her and back away from those who can’t meet her where she is. If they are actually her friends, then they need to start acting like it. As her sister, you can help to keep her company whenever you can and invite her to hang with you and your friends when you feel she would be able. Chronic illness is a lonely road and not spoken about enough. I hope your sister can find a support group either in person or online to help her connect in new ways and find new communities to engage with.

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DEAR NATALIE: This is kind of a strange situation and I realize that it sounds incredibly fussy, but it is bothering me nonetheless. About eight years ago, my

ex-fiancé left and it was not an amicable breakup. In a nutshell, he had yelled at me for the preceding 4 months, telling me that I was ungrateful, did not care about his career, etc. Later, I realized that he was a full blown narcissist. After therapy and support from my friends and family, I am doing much better. Here is the strange part: While cleaning out some old papers, I found a children’s story about aliens that l had started and never finished.   I would like to finish it, but I feel weird about it because he proofread what was there and made suggestions. Ironically, he did like it. I just have this odd feeling about concluding it, as if he put his mark on it or something. If I finish it, I would want it to be totally my vision, which it is, but I still feel conflicted. Should I finish it or just tear it up? – MARKED HIS TERRITORY

DEAR MARKED HIS TERRITORY: If this is something that matters to you, then finish it. You are giving this man too much power. This is your vision and your story. So what if he made some suggestions or liked it? Don’t let what happened between you while you were together deter you from completing this post-breakup. He no longer has control over your decisions, so stop giving away your agency to someone who treated you poorly. Reclaim your narrative – both with this book and in your life.

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend has a horrible habit of picking terrible men one after another. Our friend group has tried over and over again to help her get out of this cycle, but she always seems to gravitate towards men that treat her poorly. She is a wonderful person. She’s intelligent, has a great job and two beautiful children that she raised up into being thoughtful, loving adults. She’s funny and kind. I don’t understand why she can’t see that and why she continues to date men that cause her so much emotional harm. She just started dating someone new and nobody in our friend group likes him. Not only is he sleazy and treats her like an object, but there’s rumors about his finances, too. I think he is glomming onto her for financial security.  She says she’s “in love.” How do we tell her that he is no good for her? We are in our 50s now. Shouldn’t we be beyond all of this, anyway? –BEST FRIEND MAKES BAD DECISIONS

DEAR BEST FRIEND MAKES BAD DECISIONS: If you have shared this information with her in the past about her other boyfriends and she wasn’t receptive to it, then why would this situation be any different? If she asks you for your opinion about this man, then tell her. But if not, you are most likely going to upset her and strain your friendship. Hopefully, you can get to a place where you can share your feelings out of love and concern – but oftentimes it is the messenger who gets attacked and even iced out. For now, I would keep the peace by keeping your opinions to yourself.

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DEAR NATALIE: My best friend’s boyfriend is cheating on her. My friend and I saw him with another woman and we took a photo of them kissing without them knowing. We shared it with our friend in a group chat the next day. We thought she would be happy to know, as she had suspicions about him for a while. Well, she was angry. Not at him – but at us! She said we “faked the photo” because we wanted to “ruin her relationship.” She told us that her boyfriend said that we used some editing software to make us look bad. Look, we live in a small town and we know that the truth will come out eventually, but now she has blocked both of us. What can we do to get her to see that he is a total jerk and she would be better off without him?

– FRIEND LOST HER MIND

DEAR FRIEND LOST HER MIND: This is the moment where you realize that no matter what you do, she is going to pick this man over your friendships. Let her. Unfortunately, some people need to come to terms with what they are willing to sacrifice just to have a man in their lives. It’s sad, it’s pathetic and it doesn’t have to be this way. However, your delivery of this photo could have been done better. She may have felt embarrassed by you sending it to her in a group message. Give her a little grace for being defensive and also keep the door open for a potential reconciliation. But, until she learns that a man doesn’t validate her existence, then there isn’t much you can do. 

DEAR NATALIE: A friend of mine recently went through a breakup with her partner of four years. Although it was very obvious that it was best for them to split up, he initiated the break up, which crushed her. Since then, she has been nothing but needy and stuck in a deep, dark place of feeling sorry for herself. She moved out of their shared home into a new apartment. She refuses to hire anyone to help her with odd jobs and only begs for support from the other husbands in our female friend group. She only wants to vent and take up space in our group chat without receiving and internalizing thoughtful advice and support offered from others. Do I have a right to be frustrated or am I being too tough on my friend? – CAN’T DEAL WITH HER

DEAR CAN’T DEAL WITH HER: Breakups can be extremely painful and often bring out the worst in people. She is just spiraling right now and there isn’t much you can do for her in this state. You’ve tried advising her, consoling her and supporting her, so there isn’t much left that you can do other than standby. You are allowed to take a break from her. You don’t have to “ice” her out, but you don’t have to answer every time she calls if you catch my drift. Providing yourself some much needed distance from the situation is healthy. At the end of the day, she is the one that will have to pick herself up and decide how she wants to move forward in the world. Everyone is dealing with their own battles and if she can’t reciprocate to check on her friends and see how they are doing, then this isn’t a friendship, anyway. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga Subscribe to her new newsletter on Substack: Natalie Bencivenga at Facts Over Fear