Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 28, male, and don’t need dating advice. I need life advice.

Since I was a child, I’ve felt perpetual depressive sadness for what seemed to be no apparent reason. I’ve been on my healing journey for a long time and had a breakthrough earlier in the month with a combo of meds and therapy. I really don’t feel sadness as my baseline feeling anymore, I feel neutral now. I’ve broken free from the lifelong prison in my mind, but now I don’t know what to do with this freedom. For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling like a blank slate as my entire identity, which was centered around emotional pain avoidance, is dead.

I formerly drowned myself in video games replaying single-player campaigns ad nauseum for comfort, I daydreamed maladaptively, I binge rewatched TV and movies, all so I could escape the pain. I did cringey stuff like writing and trying to draw but they were hollow pursuits, I would just end up back online. The last 5 years have been work, distract, sleep, repeat on autopilot. But now, video games bore me senseless, I find no comfort in rewatching the same episodes of Always Sunny, and even my “creativity” is stifled since I’m not daydreaming. So, what now?

Now when I finish work, I don’t immediately boot up Steam when I get home, I do more home exercise, study for career certifications, and go to bed earlier. I thought that video games, TV/Film, and all that junk were my passions, but they weren’t, they were self-medications. I have no idea what my passions are. I have no clue what I actually want to do with my free time now. S--t, I don’t know what to do with my life now. Even the thought of having a family and kids (something I deeply wanted) is just kind of meh. I’ve browsed meetups and things happening in my area and none of them interest me in the slightest. Religion, volunteering, classes; no interest. It’s like I’m institutionalized from the prison within.

Maybe I need more time to process all of this and get used to not feeling sad all of the time. While I hope this newfound state of being lasts, I know things can change. My psychiatrist has discussed titration from my meds which could change how I feel (I still felt sad while on them just way less than usual). 

My therapist hasn’t offered any helpful advice other than “get out there” which seems odd to me; would I just be a happy wanderer drifting into whatever I happen onto? Should I make myself sample everything there is to offer and see what I like? Is my lack of interest a residual effect of my avoidant personality? I have no actual cogent strategy and was hoping you could help with that and just give your input overall into what’s happening. Perhaps I do need dating advice, but not for dating women, for effectively dating myself so I can get to know who I actually am.

Thanks,

-Lost Freeman

DEAR LOST FREEMAN: First of all, LF, I’m glad that your journey towards healing has been so helpful. That being said: I don’t think you actually cured your depression, the way you think you have. I think your psychiatrist is correct: you should look into adjusting your meds. The “meh” feeling you describe, where everything is gray, dull, lifeless and uninteresting is just as much of a symptom of depression as always being sad or feeling constant despair and doom. While your current course of meds may have eased the misery, that doesn’t mean that you’re not still dealing with depression.

I also think your therapist is right: you should put yourself out there and see what strikes your fancy. Part of the problem you’re having is that I think you aren’t seeing how the inherent nature of your condition is affecting you. You say that none of the choices you sought out interested you, but nothing is interesting you right now – including the things you used to be into. Of course everything is going to seem uninteresting. Which means that you shouldn’t be relying on inspiration to decide what to try; you’re just going to be stuck in the same cycle.

But if nothing is interesting, then everything has the potential to be interesting. You’re stuck in the loop from Groundhog’s Day… but I’d point out that nothing in Groundhog’s Day changed until Phil Conners starts making things change.

That is what you need to do: exert your will to make changes and see what happens because of it.

Here’s the thing: if we assume that your lack of interest isn’t a symptom of depression (it is, but work with me here), then the issue isn’t really one of a lack of interest so much as ignorance. You said it yourself: you’ve been living your life on repeat for decades now. The only difference has been whether you’ve been trying to distract yourself from your feelings or not. You hadn’t been living a life full of novelty and discovery or being exposed to new and different opportunities or paths to explore; you basically played the same games and watched the same shows. And since those don’t seem to be things you were actually enjoying, you don’t have much of a baseline to decide what to try next.

Functionally speaking, that short of finding someone who’s suffered complete retrograde amnesia, you’re as close to a blank slate as one can be. The world is your oyster, brimming with potential and options to try and experience and explore.

Of course, this has its drawbacks. The Paradox of Choice is a very real thing; when you have too many options, it can be harder to actually pick something or feel good with your choice. But the answer to that, in your case, anyway, is to take a more methodical approach to figuring out what you might like.

I would suggest using your previous distractions (I hesitate to use the word “interests”) as a starting point and work outwards from there. You mentioned writing and drawing; it may be worth your time to take a class or two and see if having a more structured approach sparks something in you. Don’t worry about not feeling inspired or not having your daydreams to work from; instead, focus on learning the technical aspects of creating. Learning the ins and outs of perspective and proportion, of pacing and narrative structure, color theory and anatomy and stylistic choices may help you reconnect with the expressive side of creating. I’ve often found that having walls to bounce off of inspires far more creativity than boundless possibility. In fact, there’re often few things quite as terrifying as a blank page or an empty canvas. Having to color within a particular set of lines often forces you to make choices that you wouldn’t otherwise, which then leads to other choices and other ideas.

Similarly, you might use gaming as another starting point. Before, you were playing games with a single-player narrative. Now it may be time to try one with multiple players… such as a tabletop RPG. It’d be easiest to find groups who play D&D, seeing as that’s the proverbial 500lb gorilla of the TTRPG scene, but you might find more interest in a system like Shadowrun, Starfinder, Blades in the Dark, Warhammer, MechWarrior or Cyberpunk. Or you might want to get even a little further afield and see if you can find a group who’s playing a system like Kids on Bikes/Brooms or even Never Stop Blowing Up.

But the other option really is: try literally anything and see what sticks. If you have no inherent interest or pre-existing preferences, you may as well try anything that has even the slightest potential to be diverting. But to keep yourself from getting caught up in the paradox of choice, what I would recommend is to add some structure to your exploration.

Here’s what I think you should try: next Friday, choose to devote your weekend to researching what’s coming up in the following week – classes, musical performances, shows, exhibitions, all of it. Divide it up by categories: movies and plays, bars and restaurants, classes and lectures, musical performances, etc. If you want to get extra fancy, mark which ones are recurring (bi-weekly cooking classes, weekly book clubs, etc.). Then, by Sunday, pick two options from the list, in two different categories. If you, say, choose a miniature painting class at your local game shop, then the other activity you pick might be seeing a band play. If you decide to go to a movie or a play, then your other activity might be a one-day volunteer opportunity. If you absolutely can’t decide, pick two options at random; assign numbers and roll a d20, throw darts, even just close your eyes and point.

The point is to give yourself as wide a range of experiences and possibilities and see what works and what doesn’t work. If nothing is inherently interesting, then all of them have potential to be something that sparks your passion, so you may as well give them a try.

Does this seem like a lot of work? Sure… but then again, you’re not exactly doing anything else, so it’s not like you don’t have the time. You certainly don’t have anything to lose by trying.

I will say that some of the options may require that you give it more than one opportunity to hook you. Sometimes it can take repeated exposure for the full spectrum of potential to really open up, like the way that a little water can open up the flavor profile of good whiskey.

But like I said: the lack of interest in anything is a symptom of depression and you and your psychiatrist should continue to talk about adjusting your medication. You may even need to look into options like ketamine infusion or ECT, which are incredibly effective for treatment-resistant depression. I think that should be a priority for you, even more than exploring potential options for new hobbies and passions. Get that under control, and I suspect that you’ll find that your interests and desires return… just in a much healthier and more fulfilling manner.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: What I want to ask can be best summed up as “Why are men so easy?”

Alright, let me back up. First off, I should clarify that I am a man. A straight man, in particular. Second, I’m referring to the dating dynamic of men being a lot less particular with who they want to date or hook up with than women. Don’t worry, I’m not doing the incel thing of complaining about women being too picky. I don’t believe anyone’s standards are a problem. But I am interested in why those standards differ so sharply between the sexes.

Like, the obvious answer seems to be that women have to be more skeptical of men due to many of them being possible threats. Therefore, being easy is a male privilege, like walking outside alone at night or not putting effort into how you dress. But unlike other privileges, it’s not one that women are interested in. I’ve heard many women say they wish they could walk home alone at night, but none that wish they could let more guys hit (Also none that want to put less effort into dressing, but that’s a question for a different columnist, I think). Having a refined taste in men is a point of pride for women that the reverse just isn’t. It’s why the word “slut” doesn’t hurt men.

So being an easy lay isn’t just something men can do, it’s something we want to do. And that I think makes it suspect, right? Because behavior exclusive to men is understandably placed under scrutiny in my circles. There’s a famous tweet that once said that anything only men like isn’t cool. If only men like being an easy lay, does that not mean it isn’t cool? (Granted, that tweet was a joke about Joe Rogan and not a serious social analysis, but still…)

So I want to defend the dynamic a little. At least through one of the most prominent examples that is something that I participated in, which is swiping right a lot in dating apps. Back when I was on the apps, I would very rarely swipe left on anybody. If they didn’t either look like a bot or had a really concerning profile, it was a right for me. The reason I did this was mainly practical. More swipes right mean more chances for matches. I wanted to get matches because to me, any real and decent woman willing to match with me was worth a conversation. Maybe it’s egotistical, but I find being desired, well, desirable. And so, without knowing much else, being interested in me made me more interested in them. I could just be justifying my desperation since I didn’t have any luck and still haven’t, but I don’t think this was the worst approach to dating. After all, it’s about finding a connection, and someone who likes you is a pretty good indicator of a connection. And even if they were just doing the same to me (Which as we’ve established, is a rare event for women), well, that’s also a connection.

As for their appearance, well, I just find most women, at least the ones I saw on the apps, to be attractive. I think the perception of men is they would f--k any woman regardless of attraction just for the power trip. Maybe there are a lot of guys who are like that, but I personally just think most women look like someone I’d enjoy being with. I’m not saying I don’t care about appearances; I just rarely find women so unattractive that I don’t see myself at least giving them the time of day.

So that’s why I did that, and why I think a lot of men do as well. I know I spoke in a lot of generalities and assumptions, but anything I’m wrong about, I’d be glad to be corrected. What I want to know is: is this refined palette that women have something we men can acquire and if so, should we? And if not, how do we reconcile with this barrier of relatability that causes so much tension in hetero dating and makes it hard to understand each other’s problems?

I’m Not A Player, I Just Swipe A Lot

DEAR I’M NOT A PLAYER, I JUST SWIPE A LOT: A lot of the answer to your question comes from not necessarily getting the actual issues, INPIJSL.

Let’s start with the whole Earth Men Are Easy thing. To start with, women do talk about how they would like to get laid more. The issue here is one of privilege, but not necessarily the way that you think. They don’t often talk about it in public spaces or around a lot of men, but women are people and they like sex in the same proportions that men do.

In fact, until the early 19th century, women in Western and Middle Eastern societies tended to be seen as the lustier of the sexes. Maenads – hordes of wild women in service to the Greek god Dionysius, were said to work themselves into drunken frenzies and rampage through the woods and fields, chasing down men and forcing them into sex, tearing them to shreds if they refused (or often even if they didn’t). In The Metamorphosis, Ovid wrote about how Tiresias was transformed into a woman the gods in order to determine who got more pleasure from sex, men or women. After several years, Tiresias reported back that women’s pleasure from sex was nearly nine times more intense than men’s, thus laying the groundwork for both a famous 4chan meme and various force-femme kinks.

Medieval European writings about gender saw women as being far more interested in sex than men were, often to their own detriment. In fact, medical practice at the time placed great emphasis on how a woman’s orgasm was required for conception – a matter that was often brought up when trying to determine whether a woman was barren or not. Official Catholic lore of the Early Modern era held that witches not only held orgies in their sabbats, but would steal the semen (and often, the genitals) of sleeping men in order to satisfy themselves.

It wasn’t until the proto-feminist movement in the Victorian era that women were portrayed as the less lustful sex; instead, they were seen as being purer and less inclined to base or bestial desires and lusts, compared to men. In fact, the idea – eagerly adopted and spread by Protestant denominations – was that women’s role was to restrain men’s animalistic natures and encourage their more elevated pursuits instead. This was part of what played into things like the growing Temperance movement of the late 19th and early 20th century, and it’s still felt today, even in this post-Sex in the City, post-Euphoria era we live in today.

Which brings me to the issue about whether women have more refined tastes in men or why the term “slut” doesn’t hurt men the way it hurts women, and the answer is: practicalities and sexism. On the practical side of things, women face a disproportionate amount of risk from sex compared to men. Not just the risk of sexual violence, but the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Cisgendered men can’t get pregnant, and the anatomy of the vagina means that cis women have a higher chance of contracting an STI from a man than a man does from a woman.

But on the social side of things, women who show too much interest in sex are still seen as damaged, defective, masculine or otherwise bad, especially when their sexuality isn’t in service to a man’s pleasure. There’s a reason why the vast majority of attempts to criminalize reproductive rights focus on abortion, IUDs and hormonal birth control; far less attention and vitriol is directed towards men who get vasectomies. You may also notice that women have to fight to get various forms of long-term or permanent fertility control from their doctors, while erectile dysfunction medication gets handed out like candy.  

Similarly, you may notice how often men will castigate women for being sluts, while also noting how a man’s worth and status is tied to how much sex he has. You may also have noticed the push of “tradwife” accounts on social media, “modest is hottest” messaging and yelling at women for posting sexy selfies on Instagram, while nobody gives a damn about the number of shirtless pics men share.

It’s also worth noting that women only got the right to their own bank accounts, credit cards and general control over their finances within our lifetimes. Until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act, women could be denied credit or bank accounts without the approval of their father or husband. Much as how Griswold V. Connecticut gave unmarried people access to birth control, the ECOA put the stake in the heart of needing women needing to marry for their own financial security, which changed the dynamic of who women were choosing to date and have relationships with and why… something that many men have not stopped complaining about ever since.

It’s not about having a more “refined” taste being a matter of pride, as much as men having far fewer consequences for f--king as much as they want. As I’ve said before: women are told that their worth is contingent on the sex they don’t have, while men are celebrated for the sex they do.    

Now, when we’re talking about dating apps… you’re hardly the only person who swipes right on most people. This is, in fact, something that many, many men do, for the same reason: to maximize the number of matches. However, this actually works against you – both with the women you hope to match with and within the app itself. Under the best of circumstances, this behavior means that women get an overwhelming number of matches, which actually makes them less likely to match with people or go on many dates. This is known as the Paradox of Choice: too many options makes it harder to make a choice or to be happy when you do make one. At the same time, most of the men who engage in this behavior attempt to match with as many women as possible and then decide who they actually want to try to see; as a result, you get a lot of women who are matching in good faith, only to find out that the guy they thought was interested in them really just wanted to have as many options as possible and didn’t actually like them at all. If the men do message them, it tends to be incredibly low-effort affairs, with the average message being less than twelve characters.��Not words. Characters. Including punctuation and spaces.

This tends to annoy and frustrate women, who abandon the apps, and it frustrates the owners of the apps because this behavior costs them subscribers. So, swiping right on everyone tends to get your account deprioritized in the algorithm, if it doesn’t get suspended or canceled for bot-like behavior.

Now another factor that you didn’t bring up in your letter, but is very present, is that men do have more “refined” palates, like women do. The difference is that they often reserve those for women who “count”, rather than when they just want to f--k. There’re are a lot of men who will happily have sex with a wide variety of women, but who get incredibly picky when they want someone to have a relationship with. You may notice how men will differentiate between people who’re good enough to f--k and who are good enough to date – a dichotomy involving the “pure” and the “debased”. A Madonna/whore complex, if you will, that affects how they behave with these women.

In fact, one of the biggest factors that affects why women don’t have as much sex as they might want is that, quite frankly, a lot of the sex on offer isn’t worth it. The guys who want those casual hook-ups are very pointedly not bringing their a-game because why should they? Men are all but guaranteed to enjoy sexual encounters they have, with 98% of them achieving orgasm during sex. Women, on the other hand, tend to only achieve orgasm around 60% of the time with hetero men. The men are more than happy to hit it and quit it, and don’t feel the need to give more than a token effort because why should they? They’re not planning on a repeat engagement. So, for many women, casual sex is a losing proposition; the sex isn’t enjoyable, they’re at risk of pregnancy and infection and the guys offering it are just as likely to turn around and call them sluts and whores before the afterglow’s started to dim. However, when presented with an option who’s discrete, safe and skilled? Women are far more likely to go for it.

Then there’s the Somebody, Anybody, Everybody issue: when you’re not that discriminating in your tastes, people that you’re showing interest in often don’t feel special or unique. While yes, folks like feeling desired, there’s being desired because you’re uniquely you and then there’s “well, you’re warm and available”, which tends to make people feel like ambulatory Fleshlights. When someone feels like they’re just a number instead of a person, even someone who’s down to clown is more likely to hope the Nope Train to F--k That S--tville.

Don’t get me wrong, the desire to feel desired or being turned on by reciprocal desire is all well and good. So is wanting to have a large number of partners; having a desire or need for variety or novelty isn’t a bad thing, whatever your gender. Nor, for that matter, does having a broad taste in partners mean something negative. Part of the appeal of a character like Jack Harkness is his omnisexuality; if they’re sentient, consenting and physically compatible, he’s willing to hit it. However, the important part of that equation is that he’s attracted to the individual person, specifically, not just “any hole is a goal”. His concept of “hotness” may encompass the known universe, and he may have put up numbers that Wolfram Alpha would be hard-pressed to calculate, but every time it was about that specific person and making sure they knew that.

Quantity does not have a quality of its own, and women tend to not appreciate feeling like one potential option in a batch of dozens.

So, it’s not a case of whether men can have more refined tastes, it’s just a matter of when those tastes come into play. Being more discerning is a good thing, because it increases the odds of not just finding someone you like, but someone you like also returning your interest. It’s a lot easier to win someone over when they know that you want them because they’re them and you’re willing to show it, rather than taking a shotgun approach and hoping that throwing enough lead in the air will net you something.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Many years ago, I was very unexperienced in the ways of dating. I found your column and your advice helped me through when a guy at work asked me out. You helped me getting used to dating, advice on having sexy times for the first time, and generally working on making a stable relationship, especially when he came out as bi early on and I supported him. We worked on what I thought was a strong loving relationship, which has been going on now for 11 years and married 5 of them, and we have a toddler together.��He recently had his second bout of depression and has started counselling. Through this, he has realised that he is not in fact bi but fully gay but repressed. I am in turmoil right now. He still claims to still love me and always has, and I do still love him, but everything is now a mess. I’m not sure how we proceed.��He mentioned at first that we have 3 options, break up, friendship but still living together or some sort of polycule. He wants to keep in a relationship, but he doesn’t feel like we can have a full physical relationship now and I am not sure how I even go about the future. I don’t really know what I need to be doing, asking or even how we can have a relationship together. We are still communicating and basically just talking through everything, but this last chat about a relationship broke me.��Please help me. I am not even sure what questions I need to ask. Could you please help advise me on just how maybe how I can process this.��I’m struggling so hard right now.

Broken Heartache

DEAR BROKIEN HEARTACHE: Oh, this is rough, SS, and I’m sorry. I’m glad your husband has found his truth, but I’m sorry for the bomb that it dropped right in the middle of your entire world.

So, first things first. I’m sure you know this intellectually, but I want to say it because I think you need to hear it anyway: your husband realizing that he’s gay has nothing to do with you, nor does it have anything to do with your relationship.

Just as importantly: none of it changes your history together. Your relationship wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t built on a lie, his feelings for you weren’t a lie. All of that is still real, all of that still happened, the memories are still real, this wasn’t a hoax or a fraud or a mistake. All that’s happened is that your husband realized something about himself and who he is now, versus who he was then or thought he was. He’s been having to come to terms with himself and accept a part of himself that he has a very complicated and complex relationship with, and that’s a hard thing to do. 

This is also not that uncommon. Even today, there’re a lot of queer people across the gender spectrum who identified as bisexual or pansexual before realizing (or accepting) that they’re gay. Sometimes it’s a matter of sexuality being a spectrum, and what was true for them at one stage of their lives is not true for them at a later stage. Other times, it’s a matter of not being able to accept their sexuality or be honest with themselves or others about it – especially if they come from conservative backgrounds, cultures or families. Sexuality is complex, often confusing and rarely moves in straight lines. 

But the important part is that none of this changes your life together. It may add context or nuance, but the important things, like your love, affection, respect and the life you made together are all very, very much there.

It’s entirely understandable that you are feeling confused and stunned and more than a bit scared. That’s all valid and it’s completely understandable. I’m really not kidding when I said you had a bomb dropped into the middle of everything. But here’s the thing I want you to understand: this wasn’t a hand grenade, this was a flashbang; it’s a sudden burst of light, like a sun suddenly exploded in front of you, a boom so loud that you didn’t hear it so much as feel the shockwave go through you. You’re stunned, disoriented, blinded. You can’t hear anything but the high-pitched ringing in your ears; everything else sounds like you’re under water or buried in layers of cotton, muffled and garbled, barely intelligible but still somehow recognizable as words.

But that’s not the same as damaged. This wasn’t destruction; what you’re feeling is shock, followed by a massive realignment of the world around you. It looks familiar but different – enough to make you question everything, but not so much that you don’t recognize it any longer. And that’s understandably terrifying. You’ve had over a decade with your husband when the world was one way. Now, suddenly, the world’s shifted another way and you’re still trying to make sense of it all. This is entirely understandable and reasonable. Your confusion is ok. Your feeling unmoored is valid. It doesn’t make you a bad person to have your world rocked by this, any more than it means that your husband’s love for you wasn’t real or that the life you built together wasn’t real. Things have changed, yes. But that’s not the same as “destroyed”.

The best thing you can do right now – and I mean right now – is take a beat. Like I said, you just got your bell seriously rung by all of this, and you’re still staggering. You do not need to make any decisions right this instant, nor should you. You are not in the right headspace to make major decisions about your relationship, because you’re still coming to terms with all of this. You can and should press pause on any talk of what your relationship is going to be. This isn’t a conversation that has to be had right this instant, and whatever would come from it isn’t going to be what’s best for you, your husband or your child.

It is important that give yourself some time to process that this happened, to let the ringing in your ears and the spots and afterimages in your eyes fade. Giving yourself that moment to pause, gather yourself and just feel is going to be important. You’re going to feel a lot of things, and I’m sure some of them aren’t going to be pretty or fair – to you, your husband, to the Universe, whatever. That’s ok. That’s just the sudden shock of it all disorienting you as you try to make sense of it and your brain and your heart are scrambling about trying to make sense of it all in the chaos. Don’t worry about what you’re feeling, just let yourself feel it without judgement, and let it flow through you and past you. And this initial maelstrom will pass, if you let it. You don’t need to dwell; you don’t need to focus on anything except giving yourself a moment to get your legs under you and your head to clear.

Then, once the initial shock of it all has worn off, you and your husband should go to a couple’s counselor, one who is LGBTQ friendly and ideally experienced in issues like this. You two have a lot to talk about, and it’s all going to be a lot easier to do this when you have a trained third party who can help moderate and mediate the discussion, guide you down paths that will be helpful to you both and to help give you the vocabulary to express yourselves to one another.

The thing about couple’s counselors is that they’re not just for fixing things that’ve gone wrong in relationships; sometimes they’re there to help you have the hard discussions, guide you through the thorns and brambles of these sudden changes and help you decide what your relationship is going to be going forward… including how you two might – for lack of a better term – consciously uncouple, if that’s what you decide is necessary.

You should also see a counselor by yourself. Even after the initial shock has passed, you’re going to be dealing with a lot of very large, very loud, very complicated feelings and a lot of them probably aren’t going to make a lot of sense. They’re going to be tangled together like the world’s worst knot, tied by the most malicious Boy Scout possible, and it’s going to sit like lead in your heart and your mind and you’re going to feel like you’re on an emotional roller-coaster designed by someone who thought that Kingda Ka or Steel Vengence just didn’t have enough sudden drops, spirals or hard turns. Talking to someone, in a space where you can just rage or cry or vent or say whatever comes out will be important, knowing that it stays there. And when you’re ready, your counselor can help you pick apart that knot and tease it all out, so you can deal with those feelings as needed.

I also want you to understand is that the proposal for the future that your husband’s put before you – break up, live together as friends, polyamory – aren’t the only options. They’re the ones he sees as being the most viable paths forward, but that doesn’t mean that they’re the only choices you have. I’m not saying that you should reject them out of hand or that they’re bad or selfish; I’m just saying that you haven’t had a chance for you to think over how you want to move forward. You’re still dealing with the initial shock of it all, while he’s had more time to get used to it. You also have a right to propose what you think would be best for you, for him, for your relationship and for your child.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m sure your husband is trying to put forward what he thinks is best for everyone, but I think he’s a little blindsided by this as well. I think he’s dealing with his own shock, his own sudden change in his world view. He’s had a bit more time than you and the realization was far more gradual for him than it was for you… but it’s still a truly massive shift for him too. It’s very easy to get tunnel vision when you’ve had such a profound and life-changing realization. But just because those are the only paths he sees, that doesn’t mean that those are the only ones there are.

If I’m being honest, I don’t think he was thinking of you very much in that moment. It’s entirely forgivable; I doubt you’re thinking much about him right now. But this is why you need to hit pause on future plans until you’ve had that beat and that time with a counselor: so that neither of you get so locked up in your own view that you can’t see how this would affect each other. Because as much as your s--t has been rocked by all of this, you’re still on the same team. You still love each other, you still care for one another, you’ve built a life together and have a child. None of you want to destroy that. You all want what’s best for everyone involved.

That might mean deciding that you’re going to live separately but co-parent together. It might mean that you decide to live in the same building or neighborhood, so that it’s easy for you two to share responsibilities. It might mean divorce, or a companionate marriage. Maybe you’ll decide that yes, a big polycule will be the best option for everyone, or maybe you’ll decide that the best option is to have separate and distinct households and relationships, and shared custody. But the important thing is that you don’t have to decide this now. All of that is for the future. Right now, what you need to do is take time to recover from the shock and get ready for the next steps.

But here’s what you need to know, more than anything else: it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. What you feel right now is temporary and it will pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

Oh, and one more thing: allow yourself to grieve. Grieve the marriage that you had, grieve the relationship that you had, grieve the future that you thought you were going to have. It’s ok to be sad about those; the world you knew has changed and this is a loss. It doesn’t make you bad or selfish to mourn what you had. It was there and now it’s different and it’s appropriate to mourn the loss of it. Grief and mourning don’t mean that what has happened is bad, just that it’s different. Allowing yourself to grieve is saying goodbye to what was, and what allows you to move forward and see what this new world, this new future, is going to bring, with clear eyes and an open heart and soul.

He’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com