DEAR ABBY: One would think that after 34 years of pastoral experience, I would have been prepared, but when asked by a professional adult, whose father's funeral I had just conducted, "What do you charge?" I answered, "Nothing"! The reply I received was, "If you will give me the name and address of your church, I will send a check in your honor."

I should have said, "Nothing, but I am accustomed to receiving an honorarium -- especially from non-church members." And I could have added, "Today is my third trip to this city, totaling 240 miles. At a mere 20 cents per mile, that would be almost $50 for expenses alone -- not including the six to eight hours spent in travel and preparation."

Last month I was asked to conduct a funeral service for a non-church member who lived in our community. I received an honorarium of $100, which was greatly appreciated and set aside for a future vacation.

The majority of pastors are underpaid and taken for granted. My wife reminded me of the time I was paid $10 for a wedding with the suggestion that I split it with the pianist! -- ANOTHER GEORGIA PASTOR

DEAR PASTOR: Perhaps your letter will remind readers who require the services of a clergyperson for happy occasions (weddings, christenings,) as well as sad ones (funerals, last rites, etc.) that Hoover is no longer in the White House, and the clergyperson should be appropriately compensated for his/her automobile use, gasoline, dry cleaning, haircut -- not to mention the effort and the time spent in preparing and delivering the service.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and her husband are separated. Their children -- an 8-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son -- spend one weekend with their father and the next with their mom.

When they are at their father's, both children sleep in the same double bed with him. I think this is a bad idea and I told him so. His reaction to my protestations was, "Well, it's not as though I sleep in the nude -- I always wear shorts!"

Abby, both children are developing rapidly and our whole family is concerned about their sleeping arrangements when they're at their dad's. Are we overreacting? Or do you think our concerns are valid? -- GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: Your concerns are valid. Not only should your grandson and granddaughter not be sleeping with their father -- they should not be sleeping with each other.

DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from "A Lusting Guy in Indy" who roamed the malls lusting after slim maidens in tight jeans.

After 23 years of marriage, like a lot of other women, I've put on a few extra pounds. Try as I may, I can't get them off.

One day, my hubby asked me -- with a sad expression, "Whatever happened to that little 24-inch waist I married?"

I replied -- with an equally sad expression, "Well, Dear, I left it in the '50s with your hair!" (He's bald!) -- NOBODY'S PERFECT

"How to Be Popular" is an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work with my brother-in-law. While routinely going over his telephone bill, I noticed there were recurring calls to the same telephone number made only on weekends and after work hours -- all charged to my brother-in-law's private office line. Being suspicious, I called the number myself, and a woman answered!

I confronted my brother-in-law and told him either to tell my sister about this woman he has been calling -- or I would. Well, he acted like I was crazy for even suggesting there was any impropriety.

I figured if I was really wrong in my suspicions, then he would tell my sister what I had accused him of, but so far she hasn't mentioned anything about it, and he has been overly nice to me.

Should I sit and watch this go on, or tell my sister of my suspicions? Or should I just keep checking the telephone bills? Meanwhile, I can barely stand the sight of my brother-in-law, and I can hardly look my sister in the eye. -- KEEPING COOL

DEAR KEEPING COOL: Keep your mouth shut and your nose out of your brother-in-law's business. As an employee, you may be privy to bills and confidential information, but until you KNOW something, you are only guessing.

DEAR ABBY: Re a recent letter in your column concerning a convicted felon's right to vote: While it is true (as you said) that a felon may not vote while he is serving time, ex-felons can vote -- at least they can in California. Being an ex-felon myself, I know how embarrassing it can be to reveal that one is an ex-felon. Thus, many ex-felons do not ask if they may register to vote after their sentences are up. Many believe that they have forever lost their right to vote, which is not true.

Ex-felons can vote, take out loans, and even become lawyers in many places. Please make this clear. -- A LOYAL READER, SACRAMENTO

DEAR READER: Thank you for making it clear that after convicted felons have served their time, they regain their right to vote in California.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print letters about some small act of human kindness. I submit the following:

A little over a year ago, my husband, a staff sergeant in the Marine Corps, was leaving to spend a year away from his family. This was a very difficult time for us. His flight left from San Francisco, so my brother (who lives in the Bay area), met my husband at the airport and took him out for a real nice dinner before putting him on the plane.

While they were enjoying their dinner, the waitress came up to them and informed them that a gentleman a few tables away had already paid for their meals! Neither my brother nor my husband knew this man. When the anonymous benefactor stood up to leave, my husband stood up, walked over to him, shook his hand and thanked him.

The man replied, "Thank YOU, Marine!" -- SANDRA GALLAGHER, MATHER A.F.B., CALIF.

WORTH REMEMBERING: "'It is the nature of man,' Machiavelli wrote five centuries ago, 'to feel as much bound by the favors they do as by those they receive.' While people are eternally forgetful of favors done for them, they rarely forget the favors they have done others." -- Christopher Matthews (from Forbes magazine)

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband's parents will soon be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. My husband has two brothers and two sisters. His sisters decided, without consulting us, that all the children would chip in and send their parents to Hawaii as their anniversary gift. They have already told their parents, who are thrilled about it.

The problem is, the sister whose idea it was is the only one who can afford such an expensive gift. The rest of us are barely making it from paycheck to paycheck.

My siblings and I bought our parents a set of dishes for their 50th. We would have loved to send them to Hawaii, but we knew they wouldn't enjoy it knowing we would have to take out a loan to pay for it.

I am more than a little resentful that my parents got dishes while my in-laws will get a trip to Hawaii. (My parents are no less deserving.)

I have polled my friends and co-workers from all levels of income, and they agree that a trip to Hawaii isn't a typical anniversary gift -- it is excessive. -- BURNED UP AND BROKE

DEAR BURNED UP: A trip to Hawaii is not an excessive anniversary gift for people who can afford it. However, one or two members of a family have no right to decide on any gift "from all the children" without having consulted all of them. And to have told the parents before discussing it with all the siblings was inexcusable.

DEAR ABBY: My father sent for your booklet "What Every Teen Should Know," and asked me to look it over to see if it would be helpful to my 12-year-old daughter. (She is his granddaughter.)

I read the booklet and thought that the way you approached all of the subjects was just great. I decided not just to hand her the booklet, but to read it with her so we could discuss it. Now she feels very comfortable talking with me about all the subjects that young girls wonder about, but are afraid to bring up. It broke the ice.

Now my daughter will always come to me with questions because she knows I will always be there to listen to her and guide her. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about our young people. -- GRATEFUL MOM IN LYNN, MASS.

DEAR GRATEFUL: I, too, am grateful. Thanks, Mom; your letter made my day.

DEAR ABBY: To those who are in the habit of putting on their glasses when they answer the telephone, the following true story may shed some light:

At the University of Illinois Medical School, our ear-nose-and-throat professor demonstrated a simple hearing test. He asked for a volunteer; Aaron Hilkevitch responded.

Hilkevitch sat down facing the class in the amphitheater and his glasses were taken away. The professor approached him from the side and whispered, "One, two, three." Hilkevitch couldn't hear. So the professor approached him again and whispered, "One, two, three" a bit louder. Again, Hilkevitch couldn't hear. Then he blurted out, "Give me my glasses so I can hear you better!" This brought down the house; the class roared with laughter.

Later, of course, we learned that improving one sense organ enhances the perception of other sense organs. The opposite is also true -- that on the loss of a sense organ, other sensibilities become more acute, as a person with impaired vision develops other compensatory skills. -- SELIG J. KAVKA, M.D., CHICAGO

What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with their peers and parents is now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)