DEAR ABBY: I am the confused grandmother of a darling 7-year-old granddaughter I'll call Mary. Her father never married my daughter, but there is no question about who Mary's father is because she is the very image of him.

He has never paid child support because he refused to acknowledge paternity, but he drops off a birthday gift and another gift around Christmastime. Mary frequently wants to call him and constantly asks her mother and me why she can't see her daddy more often. He gave her his telephone number once when he was in a good mood and told her she could call him, but he rarely returns her telephone calls.

Abby, what can her mother and I tell this sweet child about her father without hurting her feelings? I need some answers to pass along to her mother. -- ILLINOIS GRANNY

DEAR GRANNY: Stick to the truth and don't try to spare Mary's feelings by making up excuses for her father's obvious lack of interest in her. While it may be painful for her, she's far better off dealing with reality than a well-intentioned fabrication.

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my only sister. I'll call her Anne. She left a husband, a son and a daughter I'll call Karen. Karen is 22.

Knowing she was dying, Anne asked me to do her a favor. Of course I agreed; how could I refuse? She wanted more than anything else to live to see Karen walk down the aisle. Karen's wedding date is March 6. We discussed the wedding at length, and I offered to buy a card for my sister to present to her daughter. I wrote in it exactly what Anne dictated and promised to give it to Karen on her wedding day if Anne wasn't able to do it herself.

Anne died two weeks ago.

I know my sister meant well and had only Karen's best interests in mind when she exacted this promise from me. But I don't want to make Karen sad on her wedding day. She and her mother had planned every detail together. On the other hand, the card and its message might mean the world to her. Abby, what would you do? -- TORN IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR TORN: I would give the card to Karen a few days before the wedding. That way she will walk down the aisle with her mother's message without the trauma of reading it on a day already fraught with emotion.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother passed away two weeks ago at the age of 100 plus 9 months. His father is still living at the age of 101 plus 5 months.

We observed their 75th wedding anniversary last September. We know of other couples who have been married as long as they have, but we don't find another couple who both attained the age of 100 years old.

Can you -- or your readers -- tell us how rare this is?

My husband thinks you make up these letters, so if he sees this in print, it may make a believer out of him. -- POLLY SCHROCK, CONGERVILLE, ILL.

DEAR POLLY: Your in-laws' longevity is unusual, but not unheard of. People are living longer, thanks to the wonders of medical science and knowledge about the benefits of sound nutrition and regular exercise.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Back in 1991, you ran an important letter suggesting that senior citizens "brown-bag" all their medications and have them reviewed by their physician or pharmacist. Please run it again. It is more important today then ever amidst all the confusion concerning medications. I've enclosed a copy as it appeared in the Syracuse Post-Standard in New York. -- CONCERNED LONGTIME READER

DEAR LONGTIME READER: I agree. It deserves to be repeated:

DEAR ABBY: With the increasing concern about the problems of the aging -- confusion, loss of memory, a tendency to fall, incontinence, etc. -- geriatric experts are finding substantial evidence that the elderly take so many prescription drugs that their bodies are becoming vulnerable to the side effects.

Peter Lamy, assistant dean of geriatrics at the University of Maryland School of Pharmacy, says that drug-induced illness is sometimes written off and attributed to the "aging process," which not only reduces the quality of lives, but can lead to senior citizens being prematurely sent to nursing homes.

According to Dr. Jerry Avon, professor of social medicine at Harvard Medical School: "The efficiency of the kidney and liver can decline with age, hampering their ability to excrete drugs, which in turn can lead to a drug buildup in the body." He also said that a drug dosage that was safe at age 50 can be dangerous at age 70. Many organs of the body, from the heart to the bladder to the brain, can undergo a change in their sensitivity to medication.

Abby, please suggest that older persons, or their caregivers, "brown-bag" all of their prescription and over-the-counter medications, and take them to their physician or pharmacist for analysis of their cumulative effect.

You would be doing your readers a great service. -- MILLIE HAWTHORN, HARRISBURG, PA.

DEAR MS. HAWTHORN: Thank you for some valuable suggestions that could improve the quality of life -- and possibly extend it. Dr. Robert N. Butler, renowned gerontologist and chairman of the department of geriatrics at Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, has suggested that older persons fill all of their prescriptions at one pharmacy, so there will be a complete record of their medications.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a shelter for the homeless. People who come here need many things. Sometimes they own little more than the clothes on their backs.

We rely on people who are more fortunate to donate these items. While we appreciate all donations, some of the things we receive are in such bad shape they cannot be used. I ask only that people who give things to charities think about what they give. Quantity is not as important as quality.

A neat, fresh-looking outfit can boost the confidence of a child who is going off to a new school after facing a family trauma. No one wants to rummage through a pile of ragged clothes trying to find something presentable to wear. The poor cannot use old, stained clothes that need repairs. They often lack the means to remove spots or make the repairs.

Used items that are in good condition can make a big difference to those who have little and need so much. Abby, please encourage your readers to give the things that they would be happy to receive were their situations reversed. -- GAILYN RYAN, ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR GAILYN: Your suggestions are sensible and compassionate. Attractive, usable items in good repair would certainly boost the morale of those who suffer the trauma of poverty. Items of clothing that don't pass muster should be recycled in another manner.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for bringing the SPAY/USA program to the attention of your readers. Almost 12,000 calls were received in the first three weeks after the column was published. We hired a 24-hour answering service to take the calls, and our most experienced staff people worked seven-day weeks to keep up with the referrals. The number of calls is down to about 250 a day now.

Many of the inquiries were for more than one animal -- often three or more cats, and sometimes up to 30! As of Nov. 17, there were 3,019 cat spays, 5,459 cat neuters, 3,085 feral cat (sex unknown) alters, 3,084 dog spays, 2,279 dog neuters and 882 dog (sex unknown) alters.

The biggest problem we have now is cats. Taking into account that a male cat can be responsible for many litters per year, and a female can have three litters per year, we are being conservative when we take the total number of cat surgeries (11,563) and estimate that each of them could have produced 10 kittens in one year -- or 115,630 cats. A year later, if each of those had been responsible for 10 more kittens, there would be well over a million. The dog numbers are not quite as dramatic, but nonetheless, we will see the difference at shelters next spring.

I wish we could persuade people to keep cats indoors, to put IDs on them in case they slip outside, to adopt them with the understanding that they live 15 to 20 years, and to spay or neuter them.

At this time, there are literally tens of millions of homeless cats. People get cats because they are "easy to take care of," then leave them outside with no identification, unaltered, where they multiply like rabbits. The cat crisis today is what the dog crisis was 20 years ago.

Thank you, Abby, for all of the good you have accomplished with a single column. -- ESTHER R. MECHLER, DIRECTOR, SPAY/USA

DEAR ESTHER: No need to thank me -- that's what I'm here for. I'm delighted to know that your program, which resolves the problem of homeless, unwanted pets without destroying them, is making a difference.

For those readers who missed the original letter back in October, SPAY/USA is a program that provides referrals to veterinarians who offer low-cost neutering and spaying. The SPAY/USA phone number is 1-800-248-SPAY (7729).

DEAR ABBY: From time to time, you've published letters from people who had found money. One woman bought a pair of jeans at a yard sale and found $5 in one of the pockets. A high school student found a wallet on the pavement. When I read those letters, the correct behavior was evident. Then something similar happened to me, and I wasn't so sure anymore.

I had finished shopping in a drugstore that is owned by a local family. When I got outside, I discovered I had been given $10 too much in change, so I went back in and said, "You've made a mistake in my change." Assuming I meant I had been shortchanged, the owner angrily interrupted with: "Once you're outside the door, we don't do anything about it!" and he walked away. I replied, "You gave me $10 too much, and I was going to return it."

I turned around and walked out with the $10. Abby, what would you have done had that happened to you? -- OVERCHANGED

DEAR OVERCHANGED: I would have insisted that the owner accept the money -- and in the future, I would take my business to another drugstore.

DEAR ABBY: One more for "Annoyed in Minnesota," who was offended by people who responded to questions by saying, "I don't care":

My mother tells the story about my grandfather who was driving his buggy down the road and came across a man who was walking.

Grandpa asked the fellow if he wanted a ride, and the fellow replied, "I don't care."

Grandpa said, "I don't care either. Giddyup!" -- LYNN BARTEAU, ST. CHARLES, MO.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)