DEAR ABBY: For the last eight years, my widowed mother-in-law has been practically living with a man whose wife had been in a nursing home in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease. Recently his wife died. My mother-in-law, who is in her early 70s, would like to marry this man.

Since he has not broached the subject of marriage, she hesitates to mention it; however, she's impatient with the status quo of their relationship. As she puts it, "We aren't getting any younger."

Both are financially independent and own their own homes. She would like to combine their two households into one. The other day at lunch, she jokingly asked me, "OK, Dear Abby, what would you do?"

I did not tell her this, but if I were in her shoes, I would come right out and ask him if he wants to get married.

What would you suggest she do? I'm sure she would appreciate your advice. -- NO DEAR ABBY SUBSTITUTE

DEAR NO SUBSTITUTE: You have my permission to suggest that your mother-in-law come right out and ask the gentleman if he wants to get married.

If I were you, however, I'd remind her that although his wife had Alzheimer's, he will experience some grief over her death.

Your mother-in-law should not push for an immediate wedding date. She should allow him time to grieve. When he has worked through his grief, he will then be better able to devote himself to her.

DAR ABBY: I am 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. At the beginning of the school year, "Ben," a senior, asked me to go to the winter festival dance. I said yes. We began dating and soon we became girlfriend and boyfriend.

Two weeks before the dance, I bought a beautiful dress, and Ben came over to see it. He said liked it very much. The next day, I heard that Ben was seeing someone else. I still thought that he was taking me to the dance because he didn't say otherwise. I got all ready, but he never showed up.

Abby, that dress cost me over $60. I can't return it, because the receipt says that special-occasion dresses are not returnable. My question: Should I ask Ben to pay me back the money I spent on the dress? -- STOOD UP

DEAR STOOD UP: Ben is irresponsible and immature. He should have told you that he no longer intended to take you to the dance.

A young man who stands his girlfriend up isn't likely to reimburse her for the dress. So, put it away for another special occasion -- and a more special fellow. You won't have to look far!

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the recent lectures about fathers who don't pay child support: Please remember, that can go both ways.

My brother's wife was having an office affair for a year before he found out. She left him and their two children, and is now in an abusive relationship and is afraid to get out. Her life is one big lie after another. I've tried to help, but she refuses to talk to a counselor or a priest.

To make a long story short, my brother now has full custody of his kids, who are 4 and 5 years old, and their mother is suddenly living with another man. She sees the kids twice a week and pays my brother child support.

Abby, please don't label all divorced men "deadbeat dads." My brother is doing a wonderful job as a single parent. I even sent him a Mother's Day card! -- PROUD SISTER, MILWAUKEE

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired executive of a nationally known insurance company. I was with it for 31 years. I'm now 62. My wife died two years ago, and after her death I sold my house, returned to my hometown, bought a condo, joined AARP and settled in to being a "golden-ager."

Every morning I have breakfast at my favorite restaurant and read the newspaper while I eat. I'm very anti-smoking, and the restaurant has a section for nonsmokers.

A few months ago, a nice-looking woman began coming into the restaurant about the same time (mid-morning) as I did. She'd sit in the smoking section, have a couple of cigarettes, several cups of coffee and read the newspaper. She appears to be about my age, well-dressed and very attractive. I have never spoken to her. I don't even know her name.

One morning we were the only two customers in the place, and a waitress, while pouring my refill, said, "Why don't you go over there and speak to that lady and get acquainted? She lost her husband last year, and she's a very nice person."

I replied, "Thank you, but I avoid being around smokers."

This morning, the manager of the restaurant said to me, "You insulted one of my customers by saying you wanted nothing to do with her, so now she's having her coffee up the street."

Abby, that's not true -- all I said was, "I avoid being around smokers."

Should I get the lady's name and address and write her a note of apology? -- UNSURE

DEAR UNSURE: You don't owe the lady an apology; a note from you would indicate a special interest in her.

The waitress showed poor judgment in repeating your remark. She should have kept her mouth shut -- and so should the manager, who will be lucky if he doesn't lose a second customer for putting you on the spot.

DEAR ABBY: I'm Asian, and my name is Jose. This confuses many of the people I meet, who frequently ask me where I'm from. Most people are probably just making conversation, but I find the question impolite.

I grew up in Kansas; I have no accent, and my English is better than most Americans. Is asking about someone's race acceptable in polite conversation?

I'm not ashamed of my heritage; if it's relevant to the conversation, I'll bring it up. I have finally come up with standard responses to the questions I'm asked.

When people ask me where I'm from, I smile and reply: "Kansas"; where my parents are from: "Canada"; how I got a name like Jose: "My parents gave it to me"; my nationality: "American."

My friends think my answers are too flippant. What do you think? -- JOSE FIDELINO, KANSAS

DEAR JOSE: I think your answers are honest and serve as a polite reminder that some questions are too personal to be asked by a stranger.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your column on the danger of food allergies.

I have had a lifelong allergy to peanuts, but only in recent years have I seen anything in print about this problem. Well-meaning but ignorant people have told me I am "spoiled" and "fussy," and it's only my imagination! Adults and children alike have tried to persuade me to eat peanuts, or even worse, have tricked me into eating them.

My allergy has become much more acute as I've grown older. At one point, I suffered a full-blown anaphylactic reaction. Your readers might find a chronology of the symptoms of an allergic reaction educational.

Here's what happens (usually within minutes). It is a true medical emergency, and every second counts: Your mouth starts to feel "funny" inside, then your wrists and hands begin to itch, followed by your armpits, then your crotch. That's just the beginning.

Your eyes and lips begin to itch and swell, then hives start to puff up and itch over your entire body and -- the really dangerous part -- you begin to wheeze because your mucus membranes are also affected, and your lungs begin to fill up. Then, your blood pressure begins to fall, and your body attempts to compensate for the drop in pressure by increasing the heart rate to 200 beats a minute (65 to 80 is normal).

At this point, you are close to cashing in your chips unless you can get a shot or two of epinephrine. And, even if your blood pressure doesn't dive, if your throat swells shut, you're in serious trouble because only an emergency tracheotomy (a hole in your windpipe so air can reach your lungs) can save you.

You will probably hear from other readers about the danger of food allergies. Thank you for making people aware. -- ELIZABETH A. CURRAN

DEAR ELIZABETH: Almost every year there is some mention in the media about an allergy-related tragedy or a close call experienced by someone who was not as fortunate as you. Food allergies are not the only problem. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm one of the many people who are highly allergic to perfumes. We seem to be an expanding circle, because I know nine other people with the same affliction.

I avoid crowds, do my shopping in the early morning hours, and try to sit away from others at funerals and weddings. One exposure leaves my nose congested and my lungs filled with fluid. I cough for days.

Why do people insist on drenching themselves in perfume? I was taught that restraint is important: A tiny drop on the wrist or neck is sufficient. No one is supposed to bathe in the stuff.

I recently attended a funeral, sitting well to the back and off to the side with my nonscented friends. Halfway through the service, the door opened and a wave of perfume wafted across the church. I was ill the remainder of the day.

Some advertisers place perfume samples in magazines, scenting the entire mail system. If this were my kingdom, perfume offenders would be relegated to isolated sections in public, and perfume bottles would require a warning label: "This product may be hazardous to the health of others."

Those who use perfume should have an honest friend check them out. The user's ability to judge the amount that should be used may be dulled from sensory overload. -- DORIS VOSS, TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR DORIS: Thank you for reminding my readers that an allergy is nothing to sneeze at.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)