DEAR ABBY: Four months ago, I divorced my husband after I discovered he was having an affair. We had been married for many years. Since that time, my life has changed considerably, but there is one thing for which I was totally unprepared. I have been abandoned by my husband's family and our so-called friends.

I'm in a divorce-support group and have learned that abandonment is a common experience for divorced women. For some reason, this rarely happens to divorced men. Their social life flourishes.

Women in the process of divorce are often avoided for a variety of reasons: Friends may feel awkward because they don't know what to say; they may be embarrassed by the circumstances of the divorce, or may have known about the events which led to it and sided with the husband.

The point I want to make is this: If you know someone, especially a woman, who is going through a divorce, please don't avoid her. Even if you can't rush to her aid, a phone call, a note or a visit can make an enormous difference in her life. Sympathy can be conveyed without taking sides or becoming a party to mudslinging.

Please print my letter. If it helps even one person avoid some of the pain I have suffered, you will have performed a great service. -- RECENT DIVORCEE, NAUVOO, ALA.

DEAR DIVORCEE: With a large percentage of marriages ending in divorce in this country, men are also forced to make major social adjustments when a split occurs. Not all breakups are caused by infidelity.

Yours is a common problem; however, there are ways of turning the heartbreak from negative to positive. You now have the opportunity to make new friends and to begin building a new life for yourself. I wish you good luck and all the best.

DEAR ABBY: It wasn't my fault that I didn't get to serve on a jury panel. We were in the box waiting for the final question.

The lawyer asked me if there was any question he should have asked the other members of the panel or myself.

I said, "Yes, there is."

And he asked, "What's that?"

I replied, "You didn't ask if anyone could read lips."

His reply was rather curt, "And I suppose YOU can?"

My answer was equally brief: "Shall I repeat the conversation you just had with your client?"

His response was to say, "We respectfully ask that Juror No. 6 be excused." And excused I was. No one else knew what he had said to his client, and I wouldn't tell anyone because I was afraid I might cause a mistrial. Sign me ... WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD JUROR, CARSON, CALIF.

DEAR WOULD HAVE BEEN: Your integrity is commendable. I'll wager the lawyer includes that question in future jury selections.

DEAR ABBY: Those letters about cigarettes being thrown from moving vehicles gave me a good laugh recalling other objects thrown from moving cars -- such as a soda can that hit the helmet of a motorcycle cop. It was my head inside that helmet.

Although the incident was unintentional and the young man involved was very apologetic, the citation was easy for me to write.

Feel free to use my name. -- OFFICER J.A. CHESTER, PITTSBURG, KAN.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I sent my wedding invitations several weeks ago. This is the policy I followed: If a guest was married, engaged or living with someone, I invited the couple. If the guest was single but had dated someone for a long time, I invited both. About one-quarter of my guest list was made up of single, unattached adults who received invitations for themselves alone. I consulted several etiquette books, and not one said I was required to provide "and guest" invitations for singles. (Some authors clearly stated that it's presumptuous for a single guest to expect to bring a date.)

I've been planning this wedding for over a year, and my friends seemed enthusiastic about attending. Yesterday, however, I received "regrets" from three women who had previously accepted. "Alice" had only recently started seeing someone. "Betty" had just ended a relationship, and "Carla" is married, but a close friend of both Alice and Betty. I can only surmise that Alice was offended because she couldn't bring a date, and decided not to come -- so Betty and Carla declined also.

If they had a problem with the invitations, they should have spoken to me. I feel they have ended their relationships with me. Am I overreacting? -- HURT IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR HURT: I don't think so. Evidently Betty and Carla feel closer to Alice than they do to you. Be happy that you didn't invest more time and energy in cultivating these three insensitive women. A friend you can't count on is no friend at all. Celebrate without them.

DEAR ABBY: Recently you recommended Toastmasters International for adults who are shy and afraid to speak in public. Have you never heard of International Training in Communication? We were founded as a women-only club 51 years ago under the name of International Toastmistresses Clubs. At that time, Toastmasters was for men only. Both clubs were later forced to become co-ed. When that happened, the women flocked to join the men, although both clubs offered the same benefits.

Sensing that men would not care to be called "mistresses," in 1985, we changed our name to International Training in Communication, retaining the initials ITC.

I have been a member of ITC for more than 25 years. It has worked wonders for me because I can now stand up and speak when necessary without shaking knees. We learn far more than speechmaking. We gain overall self-improvement skills. The benefits are too numerous to recite.

To locate an ITC club in your area, call the Chamber of Commerce. Our clubs are located in every free country in the world! Please mention us, along with Toastmasters. Thank you. -- MARIECE HERRING, FORT WALTON BEACH, FLA.

DEAR MARIECE: A toast to you for alerting readers to International Training in Communication.

DEAR ABBY: The lighthearted trick, "I remember your name, but I can't think of your face," which causes the forgotten one to blurt out his name -- then laugh -- reminds me of a faux pas I made during a trip to Hawaii.

While writing postcards to the folks back home, I wrote the usual, "The scenery is beautiful, wish you were here," but I inadvertently wrote to my secretary, "The scenery is here, wish you were beautiful."

Luckily, she forgave me. -- GORDON MARTEN, GRASS VALLEY, CALIF.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: For the last eight years, my widowed mother-in-law has been practically living with a man whose wife had been in a nursing home in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease. Recently his wife died. My mother-in-law, who is in her early 70s, would like to marry this man.

Since he has not broached the subject of marriage, she hesitates to mention it; however, she's impatient with the status quo of their relationship. As she puts it, "We aren't getting any younger."

Both are financially independent and own their own homes. She would like to combine their two households into one. The other day at lunch, she jokingly asked me, "OK, Dear Abby, what would you do?"

I did not tell her this, but if I were in her shoes, I would come right out and ask him if he wants to get married.

What would you suggest she do? I'm sure she would appreciate your advice. -- NO DEAR ABBY SUBSTITUTE

DEAR NO SUBSTITUTE: You have my permission to suggest that your mother-in-law come right out and ask the gentleman if he wants to get married.

If I were you, however, I'd remind her that although his wife had Alzheimer's, he will experience some grief over her death.

Your mother-in-law should not push for an immediate wedding date. She should allow him time to grieve. When he has worked through his grief, he will then be better able to devote himself to her.

DAR ABBY: I am 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. At the beginning of the school year, "Ben," a senior, asked me to go to the winter festival dance. I said yes. We began dating and soon we became girlfriend and boyfriend.

Two weeks before the dance, I bought a beautiful dress, and Ben came over to see it. He said liked it very much. The next day, I heard that Ben was seeing someone else. I still thought that he was taking me to the dance because he didn't say otherwise. I got all ready, but he never showed up.

Abby, that dress cost me over $60. I can't return it, because the receipt says that special-occasion dresses are not returnable. My question: Should I ask Ben to pay me back the money I spent on the dress? -- STOOD UP

DEAR STOOD UP: Ben is irresponsible and immature. He should have told you that he no longer intended to take you to the dance.

A young man who stands his girlfriend up isn't likely to reimburse her for the dress. So, put it away for another special occasion -- and a more special fellow. You won't have to look far!

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the recent lectures about fathers who don't pay child support: Please remember, that can go both ways.

My brother's wife was having an office affair for a year before he found out. She left him and their two children, and is now in an abusive relationship and is afraid to get out. Her life is one big lie after another. I've tried to help, but she refuses to talk to a counselor or a priest.

To make a long story short, my brother now has full custody of his kids, who are 4 and 5 years old, and their mother is suddenly living with another man. She sees the kids twice a week and pays my brother child support.

Abby, please don't label all divorced men "deadbeat dads." My brother is doing a wonderful job as a single parent. I even sent him a Mother's Day card! -- PROUD SISTER, MILWAUKEE

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)