DEAR ABBY: For months I have searched your column for advice about a problem that has somehow taken over my life. This may seem nutty, but it's true. I am a 21-year-old female in college who is very much involved with a 37-year-old married man. I'll call him Frank.

I have been seeing him for a year now. Everything is wonderful between us and he says that he is in love with me, but he does not want to hurt his children -- ages 7 and 9. He promises that if the day ever comes, he will make up for all of our sneaking around and lying.

I am unable to date anyone else because my mind is always on him, therefore I remain faithful. I love him.

Please, any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated. -- WAITING FOR FRANK

DEAR WAITING FOR FRANK: You have already wasted a year with a married man who will not leave his children and has no qualms about cheating on his wife. Is that what you want for a husband?

Frank may be a good salesman, but unless you want to waste more time buying what he's selling, stop listening to his pitch. Make up your mind what you want and go after it. But forget about Frank. Frank is a time-waster. And nothing is more precious than time.

DEAR ABBY: Today I'm reading about how you differentiate between the terms "having sex" and "making love." You must get tired of people picking apart what you write, but I think I have a good point in suggesting an alternative.

I agree that "having sex" is demeaning and not above what the other animals do out of instinct; but why do we have to create affection as the term "making love" suggests? Shouldn't the love already be there and the sexual interaction be the ultimate expression of that love? Perhaps the term "sharing love" better expresses what we hope that individuals of all ages are experiencing, ideally, in the marriage relationship.

Thanks for your consideration of this suggestion. I don't read your column every day, but for many years I have been enlightened or stimulated to think by your words. Thanks for your efforts, Abby. -- PASTOR RICK EDMUND, GIRDLETREE, MD.

DEAR PASTOR EDMUND: I don't know whether you (or I) can change the vernacular -- but you make a good point.

DEAR ABBY: The complaint about careless smokers throwing cigarette butts out of car windows brought back a big laugh.

In the early '30s, my father bought everyone an ice cream cone as we were driving back home. With all the windows rolled down, he spit a mouthful of tobacco juice out of the driver's window. It came back into the car through the rear side window and landed on my uncle's ice cream cone. I learned more new words in the next few moments than I had heard in all my previous short time. -- RALPH IN ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR READERS: I recently ran across this witty quip by New York's former governor, Mario Cuomo:

"We lost our family business in the Wall Street crash of 1929. A stockbroker jumped out of the window and landed on my father's pushcart."

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from Judie Songer of Rogersville, Mo., about junk mail. Her letter prompts me to write.

Ms. Songer stated that "Americans receive almost 2 million tons of junk mail daily!" This information apparently was obtained through Ms. Songer's research for a class speech. Abby, 2 million tons equal 4 billion pounds. If we assume the population of the United States to be 250 million, that equates to 16 pounds of junk mail for each man, woman and child in the country. I doubt that even you receive that much mail.

Ms. Songer's point is well-taken. The volume of junk mail is annoying and represents unreasonable waste. This letter is not a criticism of Ms. Songer, but when one refers to information sources, too frequently our discernment is in the "off" position.

Does this really matter? Yes, I think so. As Americans, we are called upon daily to make decisions that affect every aspect of our lives. For example: Please note that this is a presidential election year. I submit that we will hear numerous preposterous claims from individuals running for office. If we accept all these candidates' claims as stated, without some level of discernment, we will deserve what we get.

Now that I have that off my chest, I must admit that I, too, use some of the methods Ms. Songer suggested to discourage junk mail. -- ROGER WHITE, VANCOUVER, WASH.

DEAR ROGER: The person whose "discernment" was switched off was me, for failing to question the figures. I heard from many readers who pointed out the numbers were incorrect. When I contacted Ms. Songer, she replied as follows:

DEAR ABBY: After you printed my letter about how to get rid of junk mail, I was amazed at the positive letters and phone calls I received; and from that feedback, I learned that this subject is important to others as well. However, one caller questioned the accuracy of my numbers, so to satisfy my curiosity, I rechecked my sources. I did misquote them. Two million tons of junk mail are sent per YEAR, not per day. My apologies to your readers. -- JUDIE SONGER, ROGERSVILLE, MO.

DEAR JUDIE: I appreciate the correction.

DEAR ABBY: I'm so scared. There are many students at my school with weapons, alcohol and even drugs. Yesterday, three kids were suspended because of their use of drugs. Earlier this year, someone brought a pocketknife on my bus.

I'm only in seventh grade, and I still have my whole high school to go through. One of my best friends even told me she wanted to get high just to see what it is like. (She also threatened one of my other friends she doesn't like -- not because of me, though.)

I feel so defenseless. What can I do to protect myself? Please publish this in your column so others in my situation will know what to do. Thank you so much. -- SCARED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SCARED: According to James T. Butts Jr., chief of the Santa Monica, Calif., Police Department, the best thing you can do to protect yourself is to report any unlawful or dangerous conduct you observe to a responsible adult as quickly as possible, and to be brave -- because things will change only when everybody stands up for what is right.

What we must do as a society to reduce crime is make sure that help is available to those who need it -- and assure that there are appropriate consequences for anyone who willfully endangers others.

CONFIDENTIAL TO YOU: Easter is nearly here, so if you plan to surprise a child with a live rabbit, a baby duck or a chick, please consider this: Living creatures need proper care, so unless you are certain that the rabbit, duck or chicken will receive the care it needs to survive, give a stuffed bird or animal instead. Living creatures are not "toys" to be mauled, abused or neglected.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I loved the recent letter from the woman who received a family history from her grandmother as a Christmas gift. You responded that a family history is a treasured gift. I agree with you completely. However, there is an aspect of having a family history that many people do not think is necessary. I am referring to the need for some adult adoptees to know about their birth family.

My husband is an adoptee in his late 40s. He was a teacher for more than 20 years and is now a middle school administrator. We raised a handicapped child who, for many years, was the top priority in our lives. She is now grown and is also a teacher.

My husband did not search for his birth family until he was well over 40 years old. We knew nothing about these people. What we found was a wonderful family genealogy of his birth family that revealed pioneer Virginia families, and birth grandparents who were educators. We worked hard to trace the birth family back to the 1700s.

When adoptees search for their heritage, it is an act of fulfillment, not necessarily to disrupt the birth families. We have had the pleasure of meeting most of my husband's birth relatives, but the discovery of his "roots" has really been the best of bonuses. My husband was raised an only child. Now he has two wonderful half-brothers who have been fascinated with their family history that we found, parts of which they were unaware of.

Abby, thank you for any support that you can give adult adoptees who want to know about their families of origin. It gives them courage when others see why all aspects of family are important to the adult adoptee. -- AN ADOPTEE'S WIFE IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR WIFE: My heart aches for the many "older" people who were adopted as infants, but because their families falsely regarded the circumstances of their birth (unwed mothers) as somehow disgraceful, they have been denied information concerning their parentage.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Hurting and Hoping, Fort Worth, Texas," whose son mysteriously disappeared five years ago, leaving his family to wonder if he was dead or alive: I had the same experience.

My son was staying at my sister's home when he went out one evening and never returned. At first we assumed it was a temporary disappearance, but as time went on, we realized it was for real.

For five years, I heard not one word, and I visualized everything from prison to death. The anxiety of not knowing is indescribable. Finally around the fifth year, I gave up and said to my Lord, "I am turning it over to you"; then I put it out of my mind.

In September of the fifth year, I received a letter, and the thrill of recognizing his handwriting on an envelope made my heart want to jump right out of my chest! His letter said that he was coming home and would be at the airport at a certain time on a specific day.

Of course I was there to meet him, and I have never questioned him as to where he had been or the reason for his silence. I felt that since the Lord had answered my prayers, who was I to question him?

He is now a respectable young man, holding a good job and sending me letters of appreciation constantly.

So to "Hurt and Hoping," don't give up. Keep praying. -- FAITHFUL FROM FRESNO

DEAR FAITHFUL: Thank you for writing. Your letter is a testament to the power of faith, hope and prayer.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)