DEAR ABBY: If you give a birthday gift to a friend, isn't it proper for the friend to remember you with a gift on your birthday? I thought that was how it worked.

I always try to give my friends gifts for their birthdays. However, my birthday was a week ago and not one of the six good friends to whom I gave gifts gave me one. One gave me a card, another made cupcakes to share with everyone at lunch, and another friend decorated my locker. (I'm a high school student.) The other three did nothing.

Perhaps this is just my opinion, but I don't consider a card a gift. To me a gift is something material that someone has put some effort into making or buying -- not something that was put together at the last minute. The cupcakes and decorated locker were very nice and I appreciated them, but after having given them real gifts for their birthdays, I was disappointed not to receive any. I'm sure it wasn't a matter of money for any of them.

I don't intend to say anything to them about it, but when their birthdays come around again, should I still give them gifts, or should I just wish them happy birthday with a card?

I love to give gifts, but I find it offensive when people don't treat me the same way I treat them. -- DISAPPOINTED BIRTHDAY GIRL

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: A real gift (in my opinion) is something given from the heart in the spirit of generosity, with no thought of receiving anything in return.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old widow with four grown children who are not financially well-off. My deceased husband left me fairly well-fixed financially. I have several bank accounts that I share jointly with my 28-year-old son. The house is in my name alone.

I met a very attractive man. He recently moved in with me and we're talking marriage. He is twice-divorced and claims he doesn't have much -- just an old car and some furniture he has in storage. We have a small joint bank account.

Abby, do you think it would be wise for me to get a prenuptial agreement? -- UNCERTAIN IN UTAH

DEAR UNCERTAIN: A prenuptial agreement is a sound idea. And you would be wise to have a lawyer draw it up. Put everything in writing before you tie the knot. Good luck and best wishes.

DEAR ABBY: Count me among those who are disturbed when I pull back the covers on a motel or hotel bed and it becomes completely unmade.

I'm a traveling technician who's often on the road several nights a week. It seems to me that managers and owners should occasionally spend the night in randomly chosen rooms at their own inns. If they did, perhaps we travelers wouldn't have to suffer with lightbulbs so dim we have to turn on every light in the room. (One good bulb would have done the trick.) And perhaps we wouldn't have to endure heating and air-conditioning systems that swing back and forth between too hot and too cold. If they slept on some of those hard beds, they would know how uncomfortable a poor mattress can be.

These irritations occur in luxury hotels as well as budget accommodations.

Please tell Ruth Anne Young, who complained about the way beds are made in hotels, that she isn't "daft" for being irritated. I, too, am irritated. -- BILL EHRKE, SERVICE MANAGER, DALLAS

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old independent young woman with problems up to my eyeballs. I am eight months pregnant with a child I do not want and cannot provide for. I have gotten absolutely no support from family or friends.

The father refuses to believe that the baby is his, and I have made arrangements for adoption. I'm not emotionally or financially able to take care of a child. I can barely make ends meet supporting myself, let alone a child. The father claims that after the baby is born he will help support it, if in fact it is his. But I would still be the caregiver on a day-to-day basis.

Abby, I have dreams, goals and a lot of ambition. I'd like to return to school and accomplish all that I can in life, but having an unwanted baby by an unwanted man would really throw a monkey wrench into my plans.

The baby's father says he does not agree with the adoption, but the only other choice is for him to take full custody, which he refuses to do. (In other words, I have the child and I struggle with it.)

Well, I'm tired of struggling and I don't need the added responsibilities, especially since I have the option of adoption. I am scared, confused, and not quite certain I am doing the right thing. What do you think? -- VERY UNHAPPY

DEAR VERY UNHAPPY: I think you have made the correct choice. You have intelligent and compelling reasons to give your child to a couple who would love it and are better able than you are to provide for its future.

DEAR ABBY: I am among that growing segment of our population known as "the graying of America." Many of us require couches and chairs we can comfortably sit on and gracefully rise from without strain. Younger people with "athletic knee" or back problems are in similar situations.

I recently moved from my home of many years to a retirement village apartment. I willingly abandoned my sofa and chairs, knowing they would be difficult for me and my contemporaries to use.

In the Cincinnati hospital where I went for physical therapy, the waiting room was furnished with couches and chairs that were much too low to be practical. (I chose to sit on an end table.)

I fervently hope that designers will consider our need for couches and chairs from which we can comfortably rise. -- MRS. VIRGINIA HARRY, DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR MRS. HARRY: Thank you for a letter that I hope will inspire designers to come up with some useful furniture for a growing market of consumers.

DEAR ABBY: I just had to respond to "Abby Fan in Arizona," the 71-year-old widow who refused to become sexually involved with a man because of her "dropped stomach" or "apron," as she called it.

Years ago, there was a saying that went: Look but don't touch. A widow and widower in our town were getting to know each other, and when the situation began to get a little more intimate, the fellow said, "I know -- look but don't touch."

To which she responded, "Touch all you want -- just don't look!" -- A FLORIDA FAN

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had a copy of President James A. Garfield's "Rules for Living" but have been unable to locate it for several months.

It seems that one of President Garfield's friends gave him a list of rules for moral living, which Garfield carried in his wallet for the rest of his life. These rules have been published in various periodicals.

I would appreciate it if you could locate a copy of these "rules for living" and print them in your column. I'm sure that many people would benefit from reading them again, and possibly for the first time.

I'm signing my name, but if you print this, please omit my name and sign this ... A MOMENT IN HISTORY

DEAR MOMENT: I have not seen the rules for living that you mention, but I came across a profound piece of philosophy attributed to President James Garfield. It is from a book I own titled "Facts About the Presidents" by Joseph Nathan Kane:

GARFIELD JUDGES GARFIELD

"I do not care what others say and think about me. But there is one man's opinion which I very much value, and that is the opinion of James Garfield. Others I need not think about. I can get away from them, but I have to be with him all the time. He is with me when I rise up and when I lie down; when I eat and talk; when I go out and come in. It makes a great difference whether he thinks well of me or not."

DEAR ABBY: What is proper etiquette when video-recording in someone else's home? My mother frequently visits my brother and his wife in another city with her trusty videocamera in tow. My brother and their toddler are always shot in their best light, but somehow she always manages to catch and film my sister-in-law first thing in the morning as she makes her bleary-eyed way to the bathroom. Mom especially likes shooting the dirty dishes or piles of laundry.

I've asked Mom why she didn't put down the camera and help with the chores, or at least film the great feast that led to the dirty dishes, but it does no good.

My mother makes no secret of her dislike for my brother's wife and uses her electronic demon to exact some demented pleasure. Is there a noncombative way of saying, "Leave the damn thing at home"? -- NOT EVEN A STATE, PLEASE

DEAR NOT EVEN: The best way to deal with this is for your brother to firmly tell your mother that she is welcome to visit -- on the condition that she leave her camcorder at home.

DEAR READERS: Mark Twain was a silent participant at a dinner party in Hartford, Conn., one evening. When he was chided afterward for not saying anything, he replied that his host had talked so incessantly as to leave little opportunity for any conversation.

"It reminds me of the man who was reproached by a friend, who said, 'I think it's a shame that you have not spoken to your wife for 15 years. How do you justify it?'

"The husband replied, 'I didn't want to interrupt her.'"

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)