DEAR ABBY: In response to "Illinois Reader," whose husband has an incurable illness and wants people to refrain from asking about him when she's out in public, as she'd like a break from her heavy responsibilities:

My daughter was also diagnosed with a rare, incurable disease, and it's hard for me to understand "Illinois Reader" not wanting her friends to ask about her husband.

At the time of my daughter's diagnosis, she was expected to live only a few weeks. Well, that was nearly a year ago, and she is doing much, much better. However, many of our so-called "friends" did not visit and have also stopped asking about her. Although my daughter hasn't stopped living, caring or loving, it seems that our friends have!

Right now, we need all the love, support and prayers we can get. So I say: "Please ask me how my daughter is doing. It lets me know that you care and still think about us. It is not an invasion of privacy, nor is it an intrusion into our lives."

I'm sorry that "Illinois Reader" feels so burdened that she needs a break from it all. However, it is even more unfortunate that many people will not ask other caregivers about their loved ones. You may print my name. -- JACQUI TAPTTO, LAWTON, OKLA.

DEAR JACQUI: It's possible your friends do not mean to be selfish or inconsiderate. Many people don't know what to say when someone they know is experiencing a crisis. They feel awkward and react by avoiding the subject. As illustrated by you and "Illinois Reader," each caregiver has different needs, and no one is a mind reader. It is up to you (and all caregivers) to offer guidance by expressing your needs to friends and relatives. Your honesty will be appreciated, and you will appreciate the results.

DEAR ABBY: I am a professional counselor, and I counsel many teen-aged girls. Often they tell me things like, "I went out with this guy and I got pregnant" -- as if "going out" somehow caused the pregnancy.

I've come to realize over the years that many girls have never been told how to diplomatically say "no" to sex. It appears they frequently say "yes" just so they won't seem rude.

You would be doing your readers a great service if you asked young girls to write and answer the question, "How did you 'just say no'?" -- CONCERNED COUNSELOR, PASADENA, CALIF.

DEAR CONCERNED COUNSELOR: You have made an excellent suggestion. While teen-aged girls may have the most difficulty with this issue, they are not alone. People of all ages (and both sexes) also struggle with it. Readers, what works for you? How do you "just say no" to a sexual encounter you do not wish to have, or do not feel ready for?

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from "New Jersey Reader" who attended a wedding where the bride's grandmother pushed the younger women out of the way so she could catch the bouquet.

At my wedding seven years ago, my grandmother also made sure she caught the bouquet. But unlike "New Jersey Reader," I was delighted -- and proud! (My grandparents' marriage lasted more than 40 years before Grandpa passed away.) Everyone had a great time at our reception, and the "bouquet incident" (as it has become known) made the event even more memorable.

My grandmother still has the bouquet, and I know that it's very special to her. She always had a beautiful flower garden, and she was the one who supplied most of the flowers for our wedding.

I don't remember who caught the garter, but I'll always remember who caught the bouquet! -- DEBRA STALNAKER, HELENA, MONT.

DEAR DEBRA: Your grandmother sounds like a special lady. Thanks for sharing a lovely memory.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I recently got jobs at the two biggest competitors in town. We always have confided in each other about everything important, including work-related problems. However, our two businesses are so cutthroat and competitive, we're not even supposed to associate with people who are employed by the competition.

I don't want anything to affect our closeness. How can we maintain our friendship and also our jobs? -- TROUBLED IN TEXAS

DEAR TROUBLED: You will be doing a bit of a balancing act to stay friends in a competitive job situation, but it can be done. Look at Mary Matalin, who worked on the Republican campaign of former President Bush, while dating James Carville of President Clinton's campaign. They later married. Or United Press International's White House correspondent Helen Thomas, who worked in competition with her late husband, Doug Cornell of The Associated Press.

The secret is to keep your business and personal lives separate, agree to avoid discussing work-related problems or situations outside the office, and don't spread office gossip.

DEAR ABBY: I hope my story gives "Ticked Off in Georgia" a good laugh. He and his wife had attended a party given by friends. Not many were in attendance, and only hot cider and nonalcoholic beverages were served. Later, when comparing notes with other friends, he learned that there had been two guest lists. Group A described the open bar, fine wines, etc., while group B was on the "dull and cheap" list.

Years ago, my aunt and her husband invited us over for a chicken dinner at the noon hour. When we were called to the table, my husband and I noticed at once that the meat plate held boiled wieners. We never batted an eye, and no explanation was offered to us about the missing chicken.

Right after we had eaten, my aunt and uncle went outside for some reason. I speedily peeked into their kitchen cupboards. Lo and behold -- there on the stack of remaining dinner plates sat a whole cooked chicken. I was miffed!

When my aunt and uncle returned, over coffee they commented that their preacher and his wife were dropping over for supper that evening. Then it all clicked! We felt better knowing we had been switched to the "B" list so the good preacher could have chicken for supper. Still chuckling ... JANETTE KAUFFMAN, BEAVERTON, ORE.

DEAR JANETTE: Thanks for pointing out that in some cases, there are extenuating circumstances.

DEAR ABBY: Last year my brother-in-law got married and less than two months later, the marriage was over. He moved out and all the wedding gifts were put in storage by the bride, as the groom wanted to give her everything.

Here's the question: Since the marriage lasted less than two months, shouldn't the wedding presents be returned to the people who gave them? -- RIPPED-OFF RELATIVE IN SANTA ANA

DEAR RIPPED-OFF: Most definitely, yes!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Wants Out in Westminster, Calif." She's the nurse with three children whose husband is self-centered and verbally abusive toward her and their children, and she is afraid that a messy divorce will scar her kids emotionally.

Abby, I, too, came from a house in which there was constant verbal abuse. Although my father physically abused my mother, his verbal abuse toward all of us did the most damage. I grew up in constant fear that I would be insulted, degraded or embarrassed. The unspoken family rule was: Don't get Dad mad -- which was virtually impossible because what would upset him changed on a daily basis.

Mom believed that a bad father was better than no father. She was wrong. I longed to be part of a "normal" loving family, and vividly remember fantasizing about what life would be like without Dad.

I grew up not trusting or liking myself, nor did I trust anyone else because those who were supposed to care for and love me let me down.

It took much time and effort in the Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-step recovery group for me to feel whole again. Abby, that program was a miracle for me.

My advice to "Wants Out" is to get out now! You are letting your children down by not providing them with a nurturing, peaceful happy home. By not leaving, you may be causing more emotional harm than you know. -- HAPPY NOW IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR HAPPY NOW: Excellent advice. This support group deserves high praise. If you don't find it in the Yellow Pages, write to: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, P.O. Box 3216, Torrance, Calif. 90510. Please enclose a business-size, stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a 61-year-old woman and a 39-year-old man to make a couple? We have a lot in common and can sit for three or four hours at a time just talking. We really have fun together.

We have known each other for a year and a half, and I feel as though I have known him all my life, but Abby, the future worries me. -- NEEDS TO KNOW

DEAR NEEDS: If you two have fun together just talking for three or four hours, you ARE a couple. Count your blessings, not your years, and enjoy your relationship. God bless and good luck.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, Laurie, and her husband, Ralph, have a little ritual they go through with their kids when one of their pet goldfish dies.

The whole family gathers in the bathroom and around the commode. Little Anthony, the 3-year-old, holds the "deceased" while my sister says a little prayer. Then Anthony drops the fish in the bowl and Lexy, the 5-year-old, flushes it to heaven.

One day, during one of these rituals, Lexy asked her dad if "Wito," her Grandpa who passed away a few years ago, was also in heaven. When Ralph said, 'Yes," the 3-year-old asked, "Who flushed him?"

No one could keep a straight face after that. -- KIM IN SATELLITE BEACH, FLA.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)