Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am a sailor in the U.S. Navy, stationed in Sasebo, Japan. After serving 11 years of active duty and visiting several different countries as a single sailor, I finally tied the knot with a beautiful Filipino woman I met in Manila. She had been a high school teacher. I love her dearly. She was (and still is) everything I could possibly want in a wife.

Being in the Navy requires me to go out to sea quite often, which puts a hardship on our marriage because of the long separations. We're handling the situation pretty well, and we make up for lost time when I get home.

My problem is my wife. Being from the Philippines, she knows the reputations of sailors in foreign ports. American sailors bring American dollars ashore, and most of them are looking for entertaining ways to spend them. (Most foreign ports have "ladies for hire.") However, I do not, and would never in a million years, cheat on my wife, especially with a lady who just wanted my money.

When I must go to foreign ports, my wife drives me crazy with her suspicions. I have tried my best to convince her that I'm not like the American sailors who have a "sweetheart" in every port.

Abby, can you please advise me on how to put my wife's suspicions to rest? -- SASEBO SAILOR

DEAR SAILOR: If your wife doesn't trust you out of her sight even though you have done nothing to justify her suspicions, your marriage is too fragile to endure.

Arrange for her to see the base chaplain for counseling. She needs to fill her time with activities that she will find rewarding. Since she is a qualified high school teacher, if she's not currently working, perhaps she could do some substitute teaching during your absence.

Keep her busy, or she'll drive you dizzy!

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, I wrote you about losing my brother. You answered my letter and also enclosed a poem called, "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep."

I was so moved by that poem, I shared it with my nephew and niece knowing that it would help to heal their grief over the loss of their parents.

Abby, I'm asking you to print it again to help others in the same situation. -- DAVID F. GIBONEY, PHOENIX

DEAR DAVID: "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep" is one of the most frequently requested poems I have ever printed. I regret that I have never been able to locate the author. Although many people have claimed to have written it, I have never been able to confirm any of the claims. Read on:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,

"I am not there, I do not sleep.

"I am a thousand winds that blow;

"I am the diamond glints on the snow.

"I am the sunlight on ripened grain;

"I am the gentle autumn's rain.

"When you awaken in the morning's hush,

"I am the swift uplifting rush

"Of quiet birds in circled flight.

"I am the soft star that shines at night.

"Do not stand at my grave and cry.

"I am not there; I did not die."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We hear so much about "the other woman" and how slim her chances are for getting her lover to leave his wife. But I have never seen my problem in your column. My son is the "other man." Abby, what do you think the chances are that a beautiful girl will leave a very wealthy husband, even though they fight and she professes to truly love my son?

He makes very little money compared to his girlfriend's husband.

I'd like to know if many men out there have ever been in this situation and how they resolved it.

Please don't sign my name or mention the name of my city. My son would "kill" me if he knew he was being discussed in "Dear Abby." But I hate seeing him constantly depressed because he can't marry the girl of his dreams. -- CONCERNED MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: I have no reliable figures on the number of women who have left rich husbands to pursue true love. One thing is certain, however. If a woman leaves the comforts of wealth for a man of modest means, she must truly love him.

If your son had asked me, I would have given him the same advice that I give to all "other women": "Get on with your life and find an available person to love; the cards are stacked against you." Waiting for a married lover to leave his (or her) spouse, can be the longest wait in the world.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, I married a nice man who had been married before. (This is my first marriage.)

I am a professional woman with a demanding career and plenty of money of my own. My husband recently told me that his mother had her other son (who is in law enforcement) run my name through the FBI computer. Of course, they turned up nothing. I am furious! He said his mother did it as a "joke."

I am offended and hurt and no longer want to spend time with his family. Fortunately, he is not very close to them.

The problem I foresee is we would like to have a child. If we do, I'd like to know how I can keep this nasty woman out of our lives. Though my husband knows how I feel about his mother's behavior, she would be the child's only grandparent. And I'm afraid he'd give in and let her run our lives.

Please help me, and do not use my name since this is a small city. -- WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE

DEAR WORRIED: Your mother-in-law was a mile out of line, and owes you an apology. I don't blame you for keeping your distance. Since you are concerned about what her role will be should you have children, the best time to come to a meeting of the minds with your husband is now, before the problems presents itself. Reach an agreement now so that you can stand united when the time comes.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have just read the article from Mr. and Mrs. Ellington Mills, of Hot Springs, Ark.,regarding the background music on TV programs that causes the dialogue to be drowned out.

I'm also perturbed by this same annoyance, but have found a solution. May I suggest that they run, not walk, to their TV store and purchase a new television set? I was not aware that approximately three years ago, manufacturers were required to put closed captioning on TV sets to assist the hearing impaired. Not only does this help the hearing impaired, but it also helps the viewer who does not have a hearing problem keep up with the dialogue. It's fabulous! It also helps when the phone rings and the TV must be put on mute, because the closed captioning is still on screen.

While I'm on my soapbox, may I please praise the producers of TV programs and advertisers who use closed captioning. I have made a point to purchase items that are advertised that way.

My wish is that the older films have closed captioning added. It would be appreciated by the millions who use the service. -- WANDA A. FOSTER, FORT SMITH, ARK.

DEAR WANDA FOSTER: I'm sure many readers will appreciate your helpful suggestion. As of July 1, 1993, all television sets 13 inches or larger made or sold in the United States have closed-caption decoders built inside -- a tremendous boon to the more than 20 million people in the United States who suffer from some degree of hearing loss.

But closed captioning can also serve a wider population than the hearing impaired. It's an excellent teaching tool for recent immigrants who are struggling to learn English. The National Captioning Institute claims that a large percentage of caption decoders (which were sold separately before 1993) were purchased by Hispanic and Asian Americans who find it easier to understand new idioms and expressions when they can read and hear them at the same time. It can also be a valuable teaching tool when used regularly in homes where there are children who are reading at or below fourth-grade levels.

Anyone who is interested in learning more about closed caption technology should contact the National Captioning Institute Inc., 1900 Gallows Road, Vienna, Va. 22182. NCI has two toll-free numbers: 1-800-533-9673 for hearing people, and 1-800-950-0958 for deaf and speech-impaired people.

I wouldn't be doing my job, however, if I didn't point out that anyone who's experiencing difficulty hearing their favorite TV programs (or the dialogue in movie theaters) should schedule an appointment with his or her physician for a hearing examination. Special earphones are available for use in homes, theaters and concert halls that clarify sound and greatly reduce this annoying problem.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter you printed from a secretary who said she frequently sees "20's," "50's," "80's," etc. written in error, it's not necessarily a mistake. Although such expressions are not possessive or contractions, as she correctly stated, some publications -- most prominently The New York Times -- have adopted the apostrophe as a matter of style.

Some publications choose to spell out the words. The Asbury Park Press, which has published your column for decades, follows the guidelines in "The Associated Press Stylebook," which call for an apostrophe at the beginning of the numerals, as you said '96 necessitates. We write '20s, '50s, '80s and '96. -- WALLY PATRICK, COPY EDITOR, THE ASBURY PARK PRESS, NEPTUNE, N.J.

DEAR WALLY: I received an avalanche of critical letters for my statement concerning apostrophes. Thank you for restoring my self-confidence.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)