DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are totally incompatible in the bedroom. I am not talking about sex; I'm talking about our sleep habits.

Tom likes the windows open with the room air cool, the radio playing, and the curtains open so the morning light streams in.

I like to be warm, so I object to the cool air as well as the street noise. I prefer the room to be dark and quiet, and I can't fall asleep to music playing or sleep through bright lights in the morning.

I've tried earplugs to block out the sound, but they don't always work -- and besides I want to be able to hear my kids. We do have an electric blanket with dual controls, but aside from regulating it, there are other issues we can't agree on.

Please help! Don't suggest sleeping in different rooms. We don't have a spare bedroom. -- SLEEPLESS AND SUFFERING

DEAR SLEEPLESS: You and your husband should compromise in the bedroom. Tell him if he'll agree to turn off the music or use a headset, you'll agree to leaving the windows open. Then, wear warmer nightclothes and buy a sleep mask at the drugstore to block the morning light. You both need to "give" a little.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my 20-year-old marriage was destroyed by my husband's obsession with another woman. My childhood was anything but secure, so my marriage meant the world to me -- so much so that I swallowed my pride and tried everything to save the marriage.

We went to marriage counseling and I changed jobs so I would have more time for my husband. Well, he left me anyway. He wasn't the only one with zero respect for me -- I had none for myself.

For weeks I slept with a knife under my pillow hoping I would wake up with enough courage to end my miserable life. However, by what I believe was divine intervention, I was asked to volunteer at the Humane Society, and it saved my life. Those homeless animals needed me.

After I had regained some of my self-esteem, I moved to Hawaii and found a studio on several acres of land where I could operate a facility to rescue abused animals. Never had I known such peace and fulfillment.

When I was married, I was afraid of displeasing my husband or his family. Now, I please myself, and I can't imagine living that other life again.

I wrote this to encourage all those who are devastated at the breakup of a marriage and think there's no life after divorce. There is, and it can be a better life. Mahalo. -- RECOVERED DIVORCEE

DEAR DIVORCEE: Thank you for an inspiring letter. It seems to be true that when one door closes, another opens -- usually for the better.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Within the next year I will be getting married to a man who has recently ended a 12-year marriage that was troubled from day one. He and his ex-wife had purchased and lived in a home not far from the one I now own. He has improved his home over the years and the balance on his mortgage is less than half of what I owe on my home.

Since we are both approaching 50, we are seeking to establish ourselves financially after his divorce. He wants us to sell my home and move into his, although my home has greater potential for appreciation because of its location.

A number of friends have said that I should be reluctant to move into the same house he had occupied with his first wife. I have discussed this with him, and he said if selling his home and moving into mine will make me happy, we will do it. He also says there are no good memories of his marriage in that house, so "ghosts" will not be a problem. He promises we will make our own good memories and says it's not the house but what goes on inside it that matters. I'm free to redecorate however I want, and we will make it our home.

Abby, I'm confused. My practical nature tells me that the economics of moving into his home are better for us; my emotional side tells me that we should either move into my house (which has never been shared with anyone) or sell both homes and buy another one. What are your thoughts on this? -- UNDECIDED

DEAR UNDECIDED: If you can swing it financially, I vote for buying a new home.

DEAR ABBY: I read with great interest the letter from the American sailor with the Filipina wife. The lady is jealous of her husband's absences.

I was in the same situation when I was in the Navy and married my wife, also a Filipina. "Sasebo Sailor" needs to get into the local group of Filipinos in our Navy. (Our Navy recruited Filipinos in the Philippines until 1992.) If "Sailor" and his wife became socially involved in this group, she would no longer be anxious when her husband deploys.

The "bamboo pipeline" (Asian gossip) has more connections than any phone company and it's far more efficient. The Filipina (woman) will be assured that her husband is not availing himself of any other women, plus she will have a support network of people from her homeland.

My wife and I have been married for 11 years, are still very much in love, and have learned to live with our cultural differences. There are reasons why many Asian women prefer American men, and there are many American men who are crazy about their Oriental wives. -- JOE CHASSE, SAGINAW, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: As I left the mall yesterday, I saw three boys no more than 14 years old sitting on the curb smoking!

I don't know why, but I stopped and said: "It makes me sad to see your young lungs being ruined by smoking. If only you could see the people in my condo complex with holes in their chests because they ruined their lungs by smoking, you would never light another cigarette as long as you live."

To my surprise, the three of them put out their cigarettes without saying a word.

I walked away feeling so good. -- PEGGY BERRY, MARGATE, FLA.

DEAR PEGGY: You deserve to feel good. You had the courage to speak up -- and you possibly saved three lives.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your suggestion on how to handle inquisitive people when they ask a personal question is, of course, right on. ("If you will forgive me for not answering, I will forgive you for asking," said with a smile, of course.) However, I feel as rude as the person who asked the question when I use that response.

I finally devised a lighthearted game -- and it always works. For example, here's how I answer the following questions:

Q: How much do you weigh?

A: A little more than I wish I did.

Q: How much did you pay for your house (dress, shoes, etc.)?

A: More than I intended to (or less than I thought I would).

Q: How much is your income (pension, salary, etc.)?

A: Well, so far it's kept me out of the poorhouse (off welfare, whatever).

Abby, of course they would still prefer an answer, but I use such responses in a friendly, playful manner with a smile as often as I'm asked.

Eventually, they stop asking such personal questions and, following a brief miffed silence, we go on as before. (Or at least I do.) If they are my friends, it turns out OK for me and them. Meanwhile, I've retained my privacy without having gotten huffy or rude. -- N.C.B. IN VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR N.C.B.: Thanks for some clever responses to people who ask questions that are none of their business.

DEAR ABBY: I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend of mine. She and her boyfriend have been living together for several months.

The wedding is two months away. She just admitted that she is bored and they don't communicate. She said he is rarely interested in sex; they fight; she bosses him around; yet she continues to plan her wedding.

They just bought a house in her name because of his past bankruptcy. I suggested postponing the wedding and getting some counseling. She agreed that she thinks that's what they should do, but then she rationalizes that "no relationship is perfect, and counseling is too expensive." Our friends think she is making a big mistake in going through with the wedding.

As a bridesmaid, I think I should support her, but I really don't. I feel she is taking advantage of all of us, and it's made me question our friendship. Should I continue as if everything is fine, or confront her and withdraw as a bridesmaid?

Please rush your answer. -- TROUBLED BRIDESMAID

DEAR TROUBLED: Your friend may think counseling is expensive, but investing in a marriage that has so little chance of enduring would be far more expensive.

If I were you, I would do everything in my power to convince her to get professional help before the couple marries. The clergyperson who would officiate at the wedding should gladly counsel her and the groom.

DEAR ABBY: "Ohio Photographer" should handle the situation with his friends this way: Draw up an official-looking bill. List his cost for materials (the rolls of film), the standard fee for labor and the cost of subcontracted work (namely the processing fee). Then subtract the cost of subcontracted work as costs assumed by customer. Subtotal the bill, add local sales tax, then total it. Then at the bottom, write "Amount due ... $0.00. My gift to the two of you and my blessings for a long and fruitful marriage."

If that doesn't stop them from looking this gift horse in the mouth, nothing will. Friends who expect more from you than you are willing to give are not friends -- they are liabilities. -- KEVIN R., BAD KREUZNACH, GERMANY

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)