DEAR ABBY: My son (I'll call him Earl) was married in Palm Beach to a girl he has lived with for some time. Her family is quite wealthy. The wedding was elaborate and must have cost more than $75,000. Earl's mother, my ex-wife who is also quite wealthy, and I hosted the rehearsal dinner for 80 guests and shared the nearly $4,000 in expenses. My present wife, our daughter who is a junior in college on scholarship and full financial aid, and I flew in from our home in Los Angeles for the ceremony. We sacrificed to attend and give the newlyweds a cash wedding gift. Our total cost for the occasion was more than $5,000.

My home and business were destroyed in the earthquake in 1994 and my wife and I have been struggling ever since.

My problem: Earl is a talented rock musician. His dream is to have a career in music, and he has asked me to give him money for expensive equipment for a studio he intends to build in his home. His 30th birthday is in late November.

I don't know how to handle this. I want to help him. Don't tell me to co-sign with him for a loan because when I did that before, I ended up paying the whole amount. Part of me says, why didn't they spend our wedding gift for the studio or opt for a smaller wedding and use some of that money for their future?

As a divorced father, all I was ever asked to provide for my son was money, and this seems to be the ongoing scenario. What should I do? -- EMBARRASSED IN L.A.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: If you are considering going into debt to come through with the birthday gift your son is soliciting, I urge you to reconsider.

You are overdue for a loving but frank talk with Earl about the financial facts of life. At 30, he's old enough to arrange other financing to advance his career.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the 19-year-old bride-to-be who resented being asked her age: The insensitive comments made to her by others had nothing to do with how old she looked. They were meant to suggest that she was making a big mistake because she was too young to be contemplating marriage. While statistics support the increased fragility of early marriages, those insensitive people should have trusted that "Irritated" and her fiancé had discussed the pros and cons and made a mutual decision to marry.

If some people believe that 19- and 20-year-olds are too young to take this important step, my advice to them is to keep their doubts to themselves, and wish the engaged couple the best of luck.

In the meantime, "Irritated" could just smile and respond, "Yes, we are young, but that means we'll have more happy years together." -- ROBIN CAUSEBECK, ROCKFORD, ILL.

DEAR READERS: I would like to pass along a lesson in life that is well worth remembering:

An old philosophical fable tells us there once lived a lion who was so self-confident and ferocious that he devoured a bull. Having succeeded in this incredible feat gave him such confidence that he roared.

A hunter heard the lion's roar and promptly shot him. The moral of that fable is abundantly clear: "If you are full of bull -- keep your mouth shut."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a very nice gentleman named "Brad" for three years. This is a second marriage for both of us. He is kind and thoughtful and enjoys playing with my grandchildren, who love him very much. However, he has one quirk: He will not allow the children to call him "Grandpa."

He has instructed them to call him "Brad." He says the reason is that the grandchildren are not his grandchildren -- they are mine. He says when his children have children, they will be his grandchildren.

Abby, this hurts me very much. I never knew my grandparents. As a child, I envied my friends who had grandparents to visit. I was so happy when I married someone who would be a good grandfather. I am shocked at his attitude. I don't want us to be a family of "his" and "hers." I want it to be ours. When he has grandchildren, I'd be delighted to have them call me "Grandma," "Nana" or whatever.

Why does he feel this way? I'm hurt when I hear my adorable grandson call him "Brad." In the case of my other grandchildren, he is the only grandfather they will ever have, so they'll never have anyone to call Grandpa.

Is there anything I can do? I never say anything about it, but I so wish my grandchildren could have the grandfather I never had. -- DESPERATELY SEEKING GRANDPA

DEAR DESPERATELY SEEKING GRANDPA: Your husband probably thinks that being called "Grandpa" is an old man's label -- which he is not ready to accept.

Although you may not be pleased that he prefers that the grandchildren call him "Brad," it is his preference. Accept it and don't give him a hard time. Brad's relationship with the children is what counts, not the title.

DEAR ABBY: After 40 years of a happy marriage and seven children, I became a widower. I have always been close to the children.

Two years after my wife died I met "Bernice," a lovely widow. We were married a year later, and my children were happy for us.

Bernice and I travel extensively. We love each other and life is good. We have lived in Florida for the last five years. We both feel that Florida is our home, and we wish to remain here for eternity. With that in mind, we purchased adjoining funeral plots in a nearby cemetery.

My children are very upset about this and feel that I have slighted their mother. I understand their feelings, but what does one do? My present wife has cared for me, and she will until my demise, or hers. Our lives together are meaningful. I don't want my children to think that I didn't love their mother. I did, but I have a new life now. Am I wrong? -- A FLORIDIAN

DEAR FLORIDIAN: No. The decision about where your final resting place will be should be up to you and your present wife. Since you wish to be buried next to each other in Florida, that is what you should do. Your children are adults and should respect your decision.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your column about Operation Dear Abby in 1994 inspired the students at Palisades High School in Kintnersville, Pa., to adopt a new tradition. The Palisades "Kids for Kindness" baked and shipped more than 1,200 DOZEN (that's more than 14,000 cookies!) chocolate chip cookies to U.S. servicemen and women who were stationed overseas during the holiday season. Greeting cards, letters and gifts were also sent by students and adults within the school district. Our "Kindness Cargo" has been delivered to Kuwait, Bosnia, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Central America, and Sigonella, a naval air station in the Mediterranean. Many who received these gifts from the heart continue to write letters of appreciation.

"Operation Flour Power '96" begins this year on Saturday, Oct. 26. Almost 200 students and adults pledged their time that day to bake the first batches of the 700 dozen cookies that will be sent worldwide this year.

We are committed to making the holidays brighter for those who are serving our country in distant lands. The project, from purchasing the ingredients, supplies and gifts, to transporting the "Kindness Cargo," is made possible entirely through donations from individuals, businesses and organizations. We would like to especially acknowledge the Naval Air Station Joint Reserve Base, Willow Grove, Pa., and Dover Air Force Base in Delaware for their support and contribution to this project each year.

Because of Operation Dear Abby, we have been motivated to develop a project that has become an enormously rewarding educational, humanitarian and patriotic experience for everyone involved.

I hope you'll print this letter so the Palisades Kids for Kindness may inspire others as you have inspired us. -- LESLIE A. PATIENCE, ART TEACHER AND ADVISER

DEAR MS. PATIENCE: Thank you, not only for a terrific letter, but also for the opportunity to remind readers everywhere that it's time for Operation Dear Abby XII. On behalf of the countless thousands of men and women in the military whose holiday blues were lessened by our outpouring of cards and letters last year, I want to thank my generous readers and invite you once again to participate in this patriotic effort.

Schoolteachers in the United States and Canada have created classroom projects by asking their students to write to men and women serving their country in distant lands. Many clubs and senior centers have made this a group project, and men, women and children who enjoy baking have sent cookies, brownies, fruitcakes (and more!) around the world to brighten the holidays of those in the military.

The following addresses will be good ONLY from Nov. 15, 1996, through Jan. 15, 1997. (After that, the APO/FPO will close.) If you have difficulty at your local post office, ask the clerk to check the postal bulletins -- the Operation Dear Abby addresses are not always entered into the postal computers, and clerks may assume the addresses are invalid.

1. For Europe and Southwest Asia:

America Remembers

OPERATION DEAR ABBY XII

APO AE 09135

2. For the Mediterranean Basin (including Bosnia):

America Remembers

OPERATION DEAR ABBY XII

FPO AE 09646

3. For South and Central America:

America Remembers

OPERATION DEAR ABBY XII

APO AA 34085

4. For the Far East:

America Remembers

OPERATION DEAR ABBY XII

APO AP 96285

5. For the Pacific Basin:

America Remembers

OPERATION DEAR ABBY XII

FPO AP 96385

P.S. Cookies -- sugar cookies, oatmeal cookies, molasses cookies -- gum, hard candy and boxed containers of juice are always welcome. But the No. 1 treat is "food for the soul," and that's mail, mail, and more mail!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)