DEAR ABBY: I have a message that desperately needs to be publicized, and I am praying that you will spread the word. It concerns obesity, a far more serious problem than people realize. It can cause death. I know, because my 32-year-old son died in his sleep last January from morbid obesity. At the time of his death, he weighed 400 pounds.

Actually, my son had an addiction to food. The last year of his life he had gained over 100 pounds. He never exercised; he just sat and ate constantly. He had a good job, but it was one where he just sat. He was warned by a physician in 1993 that if he didn't lose weight he wouldn't live two more years. His autopsy showed that he had only 50 percent use of his lungs, and his heart was badly damaged. Every organ in his body was enlarged and congested.

Everyone in our family had tried to get him to lose weight. We would have helped him all the way, but he had to help himself first, which he refused to do. I hope you will think this is important enough to print. -- BROKENHEARTED MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: I offer my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your beloved son. Thank you for telling your sad story in the hope that others may learn from it. How tragic that no one was able to persuade your son to go to an eating disorder clinic.

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the letters in your column about patients being referred to as "the boy in the wheelchair" or "the liver." Often physicians refer to symptoms and diagnoses so they won't have to disclose patients' names. (A breach of patient confidentiality can have serious legal and moral consequences.) In this way, doctors can discuss symptoms or treatment approaches with colleagues without disclosing confidential information.

I have worked for many years in medical records, and we often refer to patient files by the person's name. Some references that I have heard include: "Has anyone seen Mary Smith?" "Yes, I think I saw her lying on the doctor's desk."

"Who left Bob Jones on the copier?"

"I'm looking for May Fong." "Well, she isn't in my basket. Let me check my drawers."

"Can you bring Mike Williams to me? I have to put him in this envelope."

Of course, we're talking about the patient's file, but if someone were listening, I'm sure it wouldn't sound like that. -- A NURSE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law lives with me part of the year. We do not get along and can't stand each other. I can't afford to send her to a nursing home, so I'm stuck with her part of the year.

My problem is whenever she comes back to live with me, she'll ask, "Did you miss me?" I am tempted to reply, "Not one bit!" but this would only cause more friction in our already strained relationship.

How can I tactfully answer this question without sounding too impolite? -- SPEECHLESS

DEAR SPEECHLESS: You can avoid the question, "Did you miss me?" by greeting her with, "Hello ... would you believe, I really missed you?" (If her answer is, "No," she'll be right on target.)

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 years old and heartbroken. A 15-year-old friend of mine died recently. His name was Cliff and he had been "huffing" (inhaling) propane.

Although Cliff had been huffing for a long time, he told me that he had stopped. Foolishly, I believed him. Friday night he decided to do it again. He was with a friend who tried to stop him, but Cliff was determined. He said he knew what he was doing -- that he had done it a hundred times before. Cliff huffed for about five minutes that night before he died.

All of us are traumatized -- his church, his family, his friends. We never thought this would happen to us or to him. After all, he was only 15 and had his whole life ahead of him.

I know teens have seen and heard all the "Just Say No" ads, but they seem to think nothing bad could ever happen to them. That's what Cliff thought.

I hope to make two points by writing this letter. The first is: DON'T DO DRUGS! Just because propane and some other inhalants are not illegal, doesn't make them safe. They can still kill just as quickly as an illegal drug, and either way you're just as dead.

The second point I want to make is this: If you know somebody who is huffing, or doing any kind of drugs, BE A RAT! Tell their parents, or another adult you can trust who will help you do the right thing. I didn't do it -- and look what happened.

Don't wait until you have the guilt and shame that I have for not telling someone. I could have told his parents, or my mom, or someone else -- and they would have helped Cliff. But I didn't do it, and now he's dead.

Abby, I want everyone to know about this. I know this won't bring Cliff back, but maybe it will make somebody stop and think. Please don't print my name. Just sign me ... HEARTBROKEN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Thank you for wanting to alert other teens about the danger that inhalants and illegal drugs pose. It's too bad that you will never know how many people will read your letter and re-think their attitude about "huffing." But bear in mind that there is only so much a person can do to save others. At some point, they must help themselves.

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the letter from Edith concerning women who don't drive and are constantly bumming rides.

Edith is obviously ignorant about that situation. I am a 52-year-old woman who does not drive. Not only do I not relish bumming rides off people, I despise it!

I suffer from panic disorder. Very few people understand this condition. All my life people have told me, "You'd be so much better off if you would learn to drive."

The truth of the matter is, if I didn't kill myself behind the wheel, I'd probably kill someone else. (Maybe Edith!) -- NO NAME, NO TOWN

DEAR NO NAME: Driving is not for everyone; at least you recognize your limitations. However, panic disorder is treatable. Your physician can refer you to a mental health professional who can help you find ways of managing this not-uncommon condition, and advise you about national support groups.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a football fanatic. He watches football on Monday nights, Thursday nights and all day Sundays. And it's more than just watching the games. He belongs to two football leagues, one of which he runs.

Leagues mean a draft party, weekly mailings, daily phone calls, faxes and computer entry time. Pepper that with a tri-monthly night out with the boys and miscellaneous sports events, and there is very little time left for us!

We are newlyweds, and this is not what I expected from a husband. He doesn't see this as a problem, and has made it clear that things will not change. He believes that it is I who makes this a problem.

Abby, I don't even want to bring it up (again) because undoubtedly it will mean a fight. I do not expect him to give up football, but I would like him to at least compromise. Am I being unreasonable?

It appears to me that my options are:

1. Let him do his thing and get busy with my own. (I feel like I'm single again.)

2. Complain about it, which is no fun for either of us.

3. Leave him.

What do you think? -- MATELESS IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR MATELESS: If football is taking the lion's share of your husband's time to the point where you feel you're single again, and he refuses to compromise, perhaps immaturity is the problem. If that's the case, and both of you are willing to work at it -- marriage counseling is in order.

If, however, your husband is having trouble deciding which is more important -- you or the football league -- then forgive me an old Abby-ism: Ask yourself, "Would I be better off with him, or without him?" This is not a cop-out. It's the solution to a problem that only you can solve.

DEAR ABBY: I am a dental hygienist with a question that continues to plague me. Why don't patients brush their teeth before they go to the dentist?

I routinely ask patients when they arrive if they need to brush, and often receive replies such as, "That's what I pay you for," or, "I only ate a little something since I brushed -- it won't bother you."

This attitude constantly amazes me because I consider brushing one's teeth prior to a dental appointment the same as taking a bath before seeing one's doctor for a physical.

Abby, this is not unusual. I frequently encounter this situation, and am perplexed as to why patients don't brush. -- TICKED OFF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR TICKED OFF: They practice poor oral hygiene because they are in a hurry, or they don't enjoy brushing their teeth. It doesn't take a leap of logic to conclude that patients who don't bother to brush their teeth before visiting the dentist's office probably lapse in cleaning their teeth between appointments, too. When you're faced with this problem, I see no reason why you shouldn't ask offenders to please rinse their mouths before you begin.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOVES PEOPLE" IN LOUISVILLE: Mae West once said, "I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign." You're in good company!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)